June 15 this year my doctor called me and told me I had the STD called trich. I knew right then and there he cheated. I had some bad feelings that he was doing something. He would hide his phone and delete things. His iphone was always set on private browser. That day he came home and I confronted him. We had a huge row and he finally broke down and confessed it was a woman named "H" (30 years younger) he met off casual encounters on craigslist. Well craiglist CE was shut down back in March so he must have been communicating since then. I went over the phone records and believe he started communicating with her around February this year. He told me he did not know her last name just that her first name. He told me a bit about her financial troubles and some death in her family she was going through. I finally figured out her full name with my own detective work using this information and found out she was arrested twice for prostitution. The way I found out was I typed in her name and obituaries in that city. It popped right up. He claimed he did not know she was a prostitute that he thought it was a woman looking for help to pay bills. I called this number and she did talk to me. She said he would text her trying to meet her but she never met up with him in person. So someone is lying to me. This is why I am having my doubt who this person really is! Is it a coworker? I can't see anything on the records but if they have a iphone it does not show up on our phone records as it goes on imessages on between iphones. We have changed his phone numbers and I can see everything going on now on the iphones including locations. But something is still nagging me. Maybe he has another phone or email he can use at work. He refuses to get a polygraph. He said it was just "H" only twice. Once after work and another time after a business trip where he stopped by her city on the way home 36 miles from our house. I feel like a fool because he acted totally normal during it all. But now that I think about it he was meticulous about dying his hair and refused to wear underwear saying they made him uncomfortable. This is after 11 years of wearing underwear that I have known him. He is now back to wearing underwear so it must not be that uncomfortable. I can't find any evidence of any communications at this time. He claims it was just for a hookup and sex. And has no feelings. Then why is he playing love songs on you tube? He certainly is not forwarding it to me. Also this may be nothing but the passenger seat in the car has moved a few times. It makes me think that someone at work is sitting at lunch break as I adjust the seats before he leaves. I just don't know and I feel like a fool. He says he wants to work it out but how can I when I don't know the whole story even if he claims he has told me. I still feel like there is more. I can't prove it. Is this a 2 night stand or an affair? Is it really over? Is the reason I can't catch anything is because he has quit or getting smarter and lying low? I don't know because I don't trust him anymore and he lies so much. I bought Dr. Harleys book HNHN. I would like your opinion and how to go about this and find out the truth. Thank you.

Hi Moonrain, welcome to Marriage Builders. Are you married? And if so, how long? Any children? How did you meet him? Have either of you ever had an affair before?

Yes we have been married for 11 years. Yes we have children. The youngest is very small. I don't know if he has an affair before at all on me. None that I know of. I do know that his wife divorced him for stepping out on her with a woman named " L" He claimed there marriage failed because she refused financial responsibilities. We met at work 18 years ago but did not date or talk except hello bye as I only saw him briefly in passing the first 6 or so years. .

Did he leave his Xwife to be with you?

The basic problem in your situation is that your husband is not the typical affairee who "falls into" an affair because of poor boundaries, but is someone who is actively seeking affair partners. Marriage Builders can help in the former situation but not in the latter. In other words, you could meet his needs 100% but he would still have affairs because he is out looking for them. That is an especially dangerous situation because he is exposing you to terrible diseases.


So "just a hookup and sex" is not an issue in his eyes? I wonder about his philosophy of marriage. Does he feel entitled to have sex with other people? It does seem that way.

In order to fix this marriage, you will have to radically change your lifestyles so he would not have the opportunity to carry on a secret second life. That would mean being together 24/7 and having access to all his electronics. Otherwise, this will be your future.

This sounds like a horrible life to live...

I agree your life is horrible. Having a husband who trolls for action on craigslist and gives you an STD must be a nightmare. I have great empathy for you.

No his wife divorce him over "L" then another named "T". I came years later. BUT he was dating T when he started dating me. The thing of it is he told me he was broken off with T and then one night he said T called. He went back and forth between us once. Then came back to me when he said he made a terrible mistake for deciding to date "T" again. So I guess it did not work out. I should have never dated him again when that happened. Talk about of what was to come in my future...

What is he then? An addict or selfish lying jerK? I will never be safe? So I am right. There is more to the story and it will continue if not already still going. I found an old ad of his in his email saying he was looking on the casual encounters saying he was looking for a real live woman to experiment. Just friends with benefits and not to change their situations. I am so upset. This ad was over a year old back in February 2017. Is this why he does not want to take the polygraph. I am afraid of aids. It sounds like Marriage builders can't help me. Nobody can be with someone 24/7 and take all the electronics this day and age. Thank you for your kind replies.

I agree it will keep going; it has never stopped. He does it because he a) feels entitled and b) has the kind of lifestyle that affords OPPORTUNITY. That is why I said you would need to create a lifestyle where you are together 24/7 in order to make this work. It is not as hard as you think, but it is the only way. I doubt he would give up his secret life anyway.

He will just get smarter. He fooled me for awhile. I'll see what I can do. If he won't stop then why bother to try to be with him 24/7?

I fully agree. However he will never stop unless the OPPORTUNITY is removed. He has already shown you he can�t be trusted alone. It was too much trust that has destroyed your marriage. If this is to have any hope at all you must start by removing the opportunity.

Yes, you are right. We must be accountable of our whereabouts 24/7 with a cheater like this. I think you all call it serial cheater? I was reading about this and Dr. Harley says to divorce those that won't follow the program because they feel they are entitled to have flings with others. He seems to have lost interest in relations with me somewhat. I thought it was age but perhaps because he was busy elsewhere. It has been 2 months since I discovered this. I need to calm down and go forward with a plan of some kind. He works the night (graveyard) shift. I feel that this is part of the problem and creates opportunity as he told me he met this woman after work in the early morning while I was asleep at home! He refuses to take a polygraph. This bothers me a very great deal. Because I think he has something to hide and it was not a 2 night stand as he claims. Perhaps there is more. As you can see my mind is very troubled. I'm beating myself up because I was so trusting that I must be a stupid fool. The only way I found out was getting a dreadful disease (the trichomoniasis). Did he do it so many times til he caught something or was it just his luck he caught it the first time? I'm thinking so many times til he got it because he had a free life of going where he wanted. I need the truth and can't go forward until then. I can't seem to get this truth. He hollers at me I am truthful! No he is not. He lied to me about everything. My whole life has been a lie with him. Very sad. I've been reading the stories here on this board and learning. I am not the only one.

Here are some good radio clips in here Serial Cheaters

He will probably not give you the truth unless you make passing a polygraph a condition of staying with you.

He does this because he's trying to make you back down instead of getting the truth.

Hollering at you is abusive. Don't stand for it.

If I hollered at my wife she'd change the locks and dump my stuff in the rain!

Have you seen this Please Explain Gaslighting

I did read it gaslighting. I think I am being gaslighted big time. I have heard some forms of all these that were posted - You must be preoccupied with an affair, yourself!, If you keep thinking I'm having an affair, I might as well have one.,Aren't I allowed to have FRIENDS?, Why do you always think the worst of me?
His favorite one to say to "Are you on drugs?" Or "give me some of what you are on".
Thank for sending me the link on gaslighting, I would have never really thought of that!

Well here I am back almost a year of DD. He has been going to counseling once a week. But does not want to be intimate with me unless I approach first. This was not the way it was before the prostitute ( or if that who it really was. I called this woman and she denied she was with him). So I decided to back off to see what happens. Nothing for 2 months. Makes me wonder if there is someone still out there. Nothing wrong with him physically either. I have tried to be a better person and quit complaining so much. I don't trust him really. Sad. Any opinions?

What spyware do you have in place? Can you hire a PI?

I have the apple phones merged together so I can see everything but nothing really there. I did see that he looked up the Art of Seduction by Greene and watched a video how do you know if she likes you. Makes me wonder if there is a hidden phone. Do you think I need to hire a PI? I suppose I could but it would cost. Am what I telling you all about the intimacy thing a red flag? He comes home an hour late every Sunday saying he is shopping but answers the Facetime but has disabled the location service on his phone. I would have to turn it back on again. I work days and he works the night graveyard shift. If he would be doing anything it would be directly after work at 8 am in the morning while I am at work.