I know the policy here is not to bring up past issues and mistakes but I�m curious as to what the person with questions is supposed to do? If they can�t get closure do they just have to choose not to care anymore or does the need to know disappear once the marriage is at its best?

Bingo!

When we are happy in the present, the past fades.

I also want to reiterate Melody Lane's point that living in the past is dangerous (I wonder why your feelings for an ex were revived? Does it have anything to do with your husband's iknowyouloveyourexiknowyouloveyourexiknowyouloveyourexletstalkaboutyourex constant mantra?). It's especially dangerous to listen to anyone who wants 'closure'. Closure is a codeword used by people who want to open can after can of worms. Your husband doesn't have *a* question; he has an obsession. The minute you give him one answer he'll have ten more questions.

It would never end.

So you've not doing been doing radical honesty with him anyway. Neither of you have any clue what it is. Radical honesty is respectful and brief. He's regurgitating hateful and invented ideas which are deliberately whipped up out of air. It's basically a massive lovebusting fest. .

Exhibit A;

There are just so many lovebusters and punishments present. Lovebusters are marriage killers. You will never resolve anything, or move on to anything when lovebusters are present.



For ten years. For the crime of being a young woman who looked at more than one man before choosing a lifetime mate.

I'm sure you have lovebusted back as well. Eliminate the lovebusters.

You don't have a chance for present happiness for as long as you lovebust over the past.

Oh!

It's just struck me that all his words and theories sound an awful lot like incel dogma. (Women are only attracted to Alphas but have to settle down with Omegas or Betas for 'long term prospects' (of a sexless marriage and being berated by their husbands) because women suck).

Do you know what kind of stuff he does online? If he fell in with the celibate brotherhood, during his spare room stay, it would keep him in just this sort of negative loop.

Those guys can nurture each other's past grudges for eternity, so make sure he's not on incel websites.

Wow I�ve never heard of that term before but definitely defines what he thinks. That the man before him was my �alpha� and he is my �long term good guy choice�. Funny thing is I was actually a virgin when we got married and he had 12 partners before me and was very sexually driven and active. He is the only man I�ve ever been with. This was a huge area of insecurity for me and in our early marriage instead of talking about it I assumed his lack of interest in me had to do with what I lacked that all those other women had. Pathetic hey?

He believes he was an alpha for other woman but not for me. I believe he is the right man to be my �alpha� but we have had issues since month 2/3 of our relationship so barely got to the chance to have those sparks and magic. Even with all that I knew he was what I wanted. He just thinks I learnt to love him over time and so was happy to stay.

I don�t think it�s too late for us. Hopefully I can fix everything!

mrs_d, the remedy for this stuff he has been listening to is Marriage Builders - it's going to be very much up to HIM to fix a lot of things, not just up to you. So please watch how you word what you say. Don't say it's all up to you because it is not. A wife can't fix everything in her marriage. It just can't be done - if you don't believe me, please email Dr. Harley and ask him personally.

Have you gotten the Marriage Builders app and started listening to Dr. Harley's daily radio show? How about your husband? He needs to be listening. He needs to get taught about how good marriages actually work from an expert who actually knows instead of a bunch of loser resentful men on the internet. If he doesn't, there is literally nothing you can do, so be insistent about this.

The person with the questions is supposed to stop talking about it. "Closure" means to close, not open. The more he speaks about it, the more he is triggered and the more unhappy your marriage. It should never be brought up again.

I would strongly urge you to follow Markos' advice and email Dr. Harley on his radio show. Download the free app and you can listen to his radio show. You can email him by following the instructions on this page: https://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html

MrsD, are you happy living in an environment where you are punished for the past; where it is brought up endlessly? This type of treatment can only lead to a very unhappy marriage which makes you high risk for divorce. Going along with these destructive practices makes you an accessory to the destruction of your marriage. You have put up with this for a very long time and there will come a time where you either give up completely or you put a stop to it.

Does your husband suffer from anxiety?

I have a daughter with anxiety and this type of circular thought process and obsession over something is so familiar.
I do not allow this or engage in it, as much as she would like me too. Yes the anxiety is real, but the way to overcome it is NOT to obsess over it and talk about it over and over.

The MB program can help him change his behavior and start to focus on the present. YOU can learn to stop engaging in this. I am surprised you have engaged in it for so long when it obviously has no resolution and will only continue to damage your marriage.

Thanks again everyone. I have downloaded the app and will start listening to the radio segments today. I have also sent in an email to Dr Harley, basically what I already wrote here but with a bit more detail. I am mulling over the next steps.

I haven�t yet approached my husband with your advice or told him I want to follow MB but I plan to soon, I just want to make sure I have things straight in my mind. My biggest fear is that he will never be able to be open with me, trust me, or give his heart to me if he is not able to figure out the past. Me asking him to stop talking about it will not stop him from thinking about it and I think he will start to feel like I don�t care about him and drift further from me. His main thing is that he doesn�t want to be a fool.

Can MB principles work when one partner doesn�t trust the other? I mean if I am meeting his emotional needs he will probably think I�m forcing myself or acting and it won�t have the desired effect.

If I can only teach my kids one thing it will be never to lie. What a mess it makes!!

Mrs D, you are twisting yourself into knots and walking on eggshells in order to avoid your husband making up nonsense about you. It is his job to stop doing that.

This is exactly what Markos was talking about. Insist he pulls his finger out. This is an easy program for him to follow.


Then he should stop doing that. His behaviour is unbelievably foolish.



HE GOT THE GIRL .

If he still has not 'figured that out' he needs to get caught up and stop pouting.


1) You can't tell him what to think but he should stop saying this nonsense out loud where it is hurting you.
2) Insist he stop nurturing his disrespect towards you with anyone else too (friends or online)
3) I would make it clear that if he 'drifts away' or puts you under a regime of deliberate neglect, such as sleeping apart and no dates, that you will consider that to be marriage ending behaviour.

Do you have much practice in standing up for yourself?

I wouldn't go in snarling, but I would just tell him you want to get serious about a romantic marriage because it hurts you too much to be hurt by the person you love. I would say that you can't remain married to someone who neglects you and fights with you.

Try emailing Dr H first. He is wonderful at giving you confidence.

Let us know what Dr. Harley says.

Thanks I will let you know if I hear back from Dr H - hopefully I do! I�m also thinking maybe I can get my husband to email him from his perspective as I may view things differently to him and perhaps a response to him would be of more value.

I�ve seen that his son does phone marriage coaching so if all else fails I�ll go down that avenue. I don�t live in the US though but I�m sure we can work something out! You guys have helped me keep it together in the midst of a very hard time so thank you so much!!!

I�ve been trying to listen to the radio broadcast today but have not had much luck it just seems to hang. Is the app the only way to access it? It�s not only available to US listeners is it? Thanks

Got the radio working, yay!

This would be great! Dr Harley will be interested in giving you his perspective and coaching you both to abandon bad marriage habits.

My question was answered by Dr H on the show on Friday 14th for those interested. I�m about to listen to it will post a summary later.

Your segment starts around 41:00. Dr Harley said:

his taker is in charge and is ruining your marriage

he is abusive

he is badgering her

She is to tell him: what you are doing is hurting me and I will not participate anymore. I would strongly encourage her to never bring this up again. When he brings this up, refuse to discuss it.

what he is doing is abusive. She is to tell him: If you have questions about the past you have to keep them to yourself.

She is having fantasies about these men because he is forcing her to revisit her feelings about them. A dumb strategy. If you want her to love you then stop withdrawing love units. Her passion for him can be great for him if he starts treating her well. If he is hurting her then the reminder of these past relationships look better than her marriage.

The overall advice is to STOP talking about it and to stop tolerating the abuse. Your husband is not to bring it up again. He needs to get on anti-depressants. Stop fighting and eliminate lovebusters. Make sure your conversation is mutually enjoyable. Are you dating? Stop all this discussion about past relationships!

Her husband should be insecure because he is making his wife miserable and making himself REPULSIVE. He is making it likely you will leave.

Here is your question
mrs_desperate's question
Segment 2

Hi everyone I'd like to post an update on my situation. This year has been busy with a new baby in the house. My husband and I have not had a chance to follow the program yet due to the new baby. I spoke to Dr H soon after the birth and he said nothing was urgent just to continue on as is and then look at a separation in a few months if nothing had improved.

Well some things have come to light over the last few months and I am torn as to what to do.

You will remember from my first post that about 18 months ago my husband and i started talking about the beginning of our dating relationship in which i was not a very serious, honest and committed girlfriend. It created huge conflict. The advice was to leave the past in the past and move forward with falling in love.

We have never been able to let it go though and over the months both my husband and myself have remembered more and more of my awful behaviour.

In particular I was seeing another man behind his back for at least 8 months. Someone I was obsessed with at the time. I eventually told my husband about it before we became engaged but said we were just friends and had shared some emotional moments but nothing physical had happened.

I now remember very little of that time and find it very concerning that I have blocked out a whole unfaithful relationship from my memory.  This man I was seeing was very worldly and our previous relationship from before I met my husband ended because he did not want to be in a relationship without sex and I was waiting for marriage. So I cannot understand why he would want to be my "friend". It seems like we were seeing each other very regularly and I kept it all a secret. To me it does not sound friendly and innocent at all.

My husband and I waited till marriage to have sex and I told him I was a virgin. However there are many red flags suggesting that I was not in fact a virgin and that I slept with this other man during our so called 8 month emotional affair. I cannot remember ever sleeping with anyone other than my husband. I have many memories which align with me having been a virgin when we got married. However there are many red flags which I cannot answer and they seem very convincing. Also because I do not remember what I did with this other man for those 8 months its plausible that I was in fact sleeping with him and have made myself forget.

It sounds ridiculous. If anyone else told me any of the above I would say it's insane and that the person would remember having a sexual relationship and is just lying. My husband rightfully thinks the same of me. That I am just lying about it and will never own up to it. I want to open up to it if its true, I don't want to live my life with a deep dark secret but I honestly cannot remember sleeping with him or anyone else and I remember being a virgin on our wedding night. He says my memory of being a virgin is just self denial.

I am considering seeing a psychologist to help with memory retrieval. I've obviously suppressed memories due to guilt around the time. I saw him for many months behind my husband's back and now don't remember any of it. Also my husband remembers me sending this man a message about 6 months into our marriage and I only told him because I was scared someone had seen it by accident and may tell him. I don't remember that happening either and am disgusted that I even did that.

I want to give my husband everything he deserves. Honesty, faithfulness, commitment, love, sex. But he is very sure that he is not my only sexual partner and i am struggling to agree. I've tried for many months to remember. He thinks I'm just wasting time, gaslighting, lying etc and i don't blame him for a second. Anyone would tell him he is a fool to trust me.

I know we cannot move forward with this huge elephant in the foundation of our marriage. I've tried to convince myself that I had a sexual affair but I can never fully believe it.

I wonder if we should split up as we just do not connect at all. But I'm worried he is right and then I am throwing away a potentially incredible marriage and my family. I am open to remembering, as hurtful as it will be to both of us. But no matter how hard I have tried I do not seem to be able to remember.

He calls it my trump card... "I cant remember". It feels so pathetic and lame.

We now talk as if this sexual relationship happened. Its part of our daily communication and just assumed as fact. I don't even know what sex with this man would be like.

I don't know why I'm posting here but I guess I feel less alone. I cant believe what I have become and the life i am living and don't have much hope for anything ever being good again.

On a side note, besides the issues from our dating relationship I have my fair share of poor behaviour in our marriage. I had a bit of a snob attitude and have been very disrespectful to my husband in the past. I did come to recognize this and made efforts to change. Neither of us have ever made an effort to make the other feel special though, we've just lived together as parents and business partners. We are both extremely bad spouses in that regard. I recognize my faults and mistakes.