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Does anyone have any encouragement or advice on dating at home? Can the program still work? I know the standard advice is to go out for dates but that is incredibly difficult for my H and I. We have three young children and we have zero family around to help look after our kids. My idea is to spend every evening together once the kids are in bed, say 3 hours a night and then maybe once a month work on a date outside the home (will have to budget for babysitting etc) Has anyone done something like this and had success? Thanks 
Last edited by mrs_desperate; 10/15/18 10:15 AM.
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Hi mrs_d,
In what way would your "dates", spending every evening together once the kids are in bed, be any different from just...staying in, as you probably do now?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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How would that even be a change from what you do now?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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No not really, I tend to watch a fair bit of tv at night. Sometimes we spend time together but definitely not 15 hours focussed a week. If we do we often spend it talking about kids or work etc not really having fun. So you�re both saying it�s not really possible? That�s bad news  Are there any couples who had children under the age of 6 on this forum who may have advice? I�ve tried to search but haven�t found many relevant past posts. The other option would be to wait til we can afford to go out maybe once or twice a week but I feel like the longer we wait to start the program the more time we waste that we could be in love and happy!
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My idea was focusing on the evenings together and planning the time to be like dates. Eg. making the mood and environment more romantic, maybe having some dessert/wine together. Being affectionate, talking about things that make us happy. No housework etc to distract us. Making sure the tv is off and the kids are in bed and asleep early (they currently go to bed way too late as it is!) maybe sometimes having a bath together with candles and bubbles. I dunno just green lighting haha
Last edited by mrs_desperate; 10/15/18 08:39 PM.
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Mrs when our kids were young we traded off Friday night sleepovers with another family. So that�s 4 hours Friday night and 4 hours Saturday morning. We also got a neighbor kid to babysit when the kids got older. Other folks go on gym dates and leave their kids in the babysitting. Our church did parents� night out too. And we did lunch dates on our lunch breaks when the kids were at preschool.
Getting the kids in the habit of earlier bedtime and smoothing our the evenings is a great idea too, just don�t let it take the place of true getaway time together.
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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Mrs when our kids were young we traded off Friday night sleepovers with another family. So that�s 4 hours Friday night and 4 hours Saturday morning. We also got a neighbor kid to babysit when the kids got older. Other folks go on gym dates and leave their kids in the babysitting. Our church did parents� night out too. And we did lunch dates on our lunch breaks when the kids were at preschool.
Getting the kids in the habit of earlier bedtime and smoothing our the evenings is a great idea too, just don�t let it take the place of true getaway time together. Thank you for the reply, I appreciate it. I did think of the idea of swapping time with another family. We have just moved to a new city for work and I don�t know anyone yet so it will take a while before we can do that but definitely an idea to work towards. We are a challenging case time wise as one of our kids is special needs so that complicates things as well. I am so inspired by this program though, I have a lot of faith that it will change our lives so I really want to make it work for us.
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I think it�s dangerous to keep waiting, without that time together away from stress, contempt grows really rapidly. How about emailing Dr. H? I think he�ll give you ideas how other couples with kids made it work and help you believe it�s possible today.
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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I relistened to your previous call, no wonder this all seems extra daunting. Have you eliminated the love busters? Dr. H recommended that part first so your UA time would be enjoyable. Here�s how a couple with a 3 year old found the time. https://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8123_dating4.html
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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My idea was focusing on the evenings together and planning the time to be like dates. Eg. making the mood and environment more romantic, maybe having some dessert/wine together. Being affectionate, talking about things that make us happy. No housework etc to distract us. Making sure the tv is off and the kids are in bed and asleep early (they currently go to bed way too late as it is!) maybe sometimes having a bath together with candles and bubbles. I dunno just green lighting haha Mrsdesperate, I would encourage you to move mountains to get out on dates. Spending time at home like this will be pretty miserable when you are not in love and enjoy almost everything more than being together. Even healthy marriages don't find this enjoyable. Dr Harley and Joyce don't count their time at home alone because there are so many distractions. [and yes, they are in love] The problem with cutting corners is that too little or poor quality UA time has a poor outcome and pretty soon you will stop trying. You will conclude it doesn't work, because cutting corners does not work. I would encourage you to find a way to go all in.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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We have made massive amounts of progress in the month since I emailed Dr H. Things are so much better already and I think we are both very positive about the future. Thank you I will have a read through the link.
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My idea was focusing on the evenings together and planning the time to be like dates. Eg. making the mood and environment more romantic, maybe having some dessert/wine together. Being affectionate, talking about things that make us happy. No housework etc to distract us. Making sure the tv is off and the kids are in bed and asleep early (they currently go to bed way too late as it is!) maybe sometimes having a bath together with candles and bubbles. I dunno just green lighting haha Mrsdesperate, I would encourage you to move mountains to get out on dates. Spending time at home like this will be pretty miserable when you are not in love and enjoy almost everything more than being together. Even healthy marriages don't find this enjoyable. Dr Harley and Joyce don't count their time at home alone because there are so many distractions. [and yes, they are in love] The problem with cutting corners is that too little or poor quality UA time has a poor outcome and pretty soon you will stop trying. You will conclude it doesn't work, because cutting corners does not work. I would encourage you to find a way to go all in. Thanks for your feedback Melody. I really appreciate it. I can assure you I have no intention or desire to cut corners. I would desperately love to have four evenings away from kids but at this stage it is definitely impossible which I why I�m looking to be creative! I am an extremely motivated person and will do absolutely anything to make this work. I have read so many posts of people who make excuses or try to cut out parts of the MB program to fit their own agendas and argue with any advice given. That is not me. I am 100% committed to this program and can�t wait to see the results. Already we have had such good results and we have barely even started! I will spend more time thinking how we can work this out. Man, I envy people who have family and friends close haha I�ll update when I come up with a plan!
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I can definitely empathize with Mrs. We moved to a new area with no family and barely knew anybody. It is not a time to just "let some stranger" watch children without developing a rapport first.
My wife and I watched conspiracy movies that drew us closer because we would stop and talk for hours related to it. We both found it enjoyable. To this day we still do it. Obviously, I don't think a movie theater would work because we wouldn't be able to talk (Dr. H says communication needs to happen with recreation).
After some time in the community we found a couple that we could trust with our children.
As long as you make stepping stones of progress you'll be alright. Marriages aren't fixed in a day.
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As long as you make stepping stones of progress you'll be alright. Marriages aren't fixed in a day. The problem with this approach is that taking small steps achieves nothing. Getting 15+ hours does, though. When couples come to us the last thing they want to do is spend time together on dates. There are many other things they would rather be doing. So when they just do one date or have poor quality UA time at home, nothing changes. Since nothing changes, they quickly become discouraged and just stop trying. This is why it is so important for them to find the time. Unless a radical change in habits is made, nothing changes. The example you gave of watching movies and discussing them can work, but only if there are not children around.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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