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Joined: Feb 2019
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After about 14 years together, 7 1/2 years married, no kids (age 56 /47). We loved each other very much, but worked consistently to deplete our romantic bank accounts along the years. My wife moved out of the house 6 weeks ago, after an online affair was exposed. The affair started 6 months prior, but my suspicions were another 3-4 months older. Our mariage was in trouble for at least 3 years, and earlier last year her secrecy and withdrawl was increasing. I asked her about my suspicions, but she denied it, even though I had some dubious proof (saw annonymous chat apps in her phone, and one thread that she looked for a BDSM mentor). It turns out that she found one and got attached to a man from out of state. She said the BDSM involved no sex, was annonymous, and was focus on power exchange and masturbation. It appears that it ended before New Years, but she then left our house to her mom's. I have been devastated as the woman I trusted with my life betrayed me, and left me. She said she loves me but not in love with me. All very textbook in Dr. Harley's teachings, articles, video and radio archives. Yet, she is distancing herself from me, and is now self-diagnosed with deep codependance issues (I know, I read Dr. Harley's article about it). I do not know how to approach her to start the program with her. At the end, she wants distance and is not sure if she wants to therapy or to continue our marriage (or divorce at this point in time).
I love her in spite of our problems, and I want to give our marriage the chance it never had to survive and thrive. I also have my values regarding my vows to love and support her for better or for worse. She shares the same values and aside from her unfaithfullness, she shares all my values in life. I know I want to save my marriage and to build a better relationship than we ever had, and yet I'm not sure how I'll deal with the affair aspect, as it is what makes me more sad and hurt than anything I ever felt in my life. I want to forgive her and all, but I am sure that would will be forever with me.
The biggest problem and reason I ask for guidance here is that I don't know what to do next, or how to approach my wife to attemp to save our marriage.
Please help,
I appreciate your sincere advice.
Thank you
Leo

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Welcome to MB and sorry for what has brought you here. Do you know if the affair is over? Did you expose the affair to anyone? Do you know who the OM is?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Thank you.
No, I do not know for sure that this is over. I broke into her phone at the time and saw a text exchange where he let her go, as she was talking about leaving me (probably the man was scared that she’d knock at his door one day). I do not know who the person is, but she said it was someone 62years old, that she picked not to be attracted to, and that was out of state (TX vs. MI where we live). I have no means to check anything since she left our house. But yeah, the thoughts cross my mind every so often.

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Originally Posted by LeoNrochesterMI
Thank you.
No, I do not know for sure that this is over. I broke into her phone at the time and saw a text exchange where he let her go, as she was talking about leaving me (probably the man was scared that she’d knock at his door one day). I do not know who the person is, but she said it was someone 62years old, that she picked not to be attracted to, and that was out of state (TX vs. MI where we live). I have no means to check anything since she left our house. But yeah, the thoughts cross my mind every so often.


She is probably still having an affair and it is with someone who lives there. Can you hire a PI?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I don’t want to be naive or in denial anymore. I was so for the past year and it got me into this. But I check and I verify all the time. I hate to admit it, but I hover. I check to see how f her car is poked at her mom’s, and talk to her mom if she goes out (her mom likes me and knows of her online impropriety). But all indicates that she goes to work everyday (she’s a dr and has her own office), goes to gym once a week and errands on weekends. I check as I drive by and keep a log of her pictures, phone contacts, and notes in her phone (it’s complicated). I know I shouldn’t do that and it is one of the push behaviors, but I must know if she’s involved with someone. Online it’s different. I don’t know, and I don’t think a PI would know that.

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I again ask your help to see how can I touch my wife and awaken her to our MB program. How do I act when we talk and meet to make sure that I present a safe harbor for her, so she can trust what I say, and awakens to the possibility to save our 14year marriage?
Please show me the way. I read so much in the website, and here in the forum but didn’t find something quite related.

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Originally Posted by LeoNrochesterMI
I don’t want to be naive or in denial anymore. I was so for the past year and it got me into this. But I check and I verify all the time. I hate to admit it, but I hover. I check to see how f her car is poked at her mom’s, and talk to her mom if she goes out (her mom likes me and knows of her online impropriety). But all indicates that she goes to work everyday (she’s a dr and has her own office), goes to gym once a week and errands on weekends. I check as I drive by and keep a log of her pictures, phone contacts, and notes in her phone (it’s complicated). I know I shouldn’t do that and it is one of the push behaviors, but I must know if she’s involved with someone. Online it’s different. I don’t know, and I don’t think a PI would know that.

There are so many holes in this I hardly know where to start. Without even knowing your wife I can see a hundred ways she could be meeting up with someone. Women don't just leave a husband of 14 years unless someone else is lined up. You don't know where she is going and neither does your MIL.

Quote
I check as I drive by and keep a log of her pictures, phone contacts, and notes in her phone (it’s complicated).

Which is all meaningless. You don't have access to her phone and don't know who she speaks to or texts. You posted this on another forum:

Quote
"Can one install any of these spyware systems in a iPhone that we have no physical access to ?

I am telling you right now, there is an affair and you have to uncover it. You don't know what she is doing in her life so she has every opportunity to conceal an affair. The affair has to be exposed and in order to do that you need to find out who and what.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by LeoNrochesterMI
I again ask your help to see how can I touch my wife and awaken her to our MB program. How do I act when we talk and meet to make sure that I present a safe harbor for her, so she can trust what I say, and awakens to the possibility to save our 14year marriage?
Please show me the way. I read so much in the website, and here in the forum but didn’t find something quite related.

You should read on the Surviving an Affair forum. The key is to uncover the affair and expose it. You cannot reach her until you kill her affair. As long as she is checked into an affair, she will be checked out of your marriage. Please read the link in my signature about exposure. But you need to find out the FACTS before you do anything. You don't know what is going on in her life. You can't fix a problem unless you know what is going on. Don't ASK HER, just quietly snoop.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Leo, you have received great advice here from Mel who is the best. It is obvious to all of us that your wife is having a bog standard affair. You need to get the goods. People having affairs are incredibly sneaky. There is no 'on line relationship with a man in another state', this man is right under your nose.

One suggestion for you is to look back at the early days when things in your marriage started to go sour and think about whether there was anyone she was spending time with then or talked about a lot. People do not 'go underground' until the affair is established which this now is. Their plan is always to get divorced and then present the affair partner as a new relationship. It is your job to disrupt their plan. We will help you.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)

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