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#3007762 02/25/19 06:26 PM
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EmDee Offline OP
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I've been relying on Open DNS to block porn sites. It works great ... as long as no one pushes the RESET button on your router. This returns the router to factory settings, at which time the entire Internet once again becomes your network's oyster.

As far as I can tell, there is no hardware/firmware/software solution to this problem for any router. If anyone knows of one, please speak up! Otherwise I am reduced to considering supergluing the reset button or sticking the entire router in a locked case.

The alternative, of course, is open communication about this. Last time it resulted in something like, "I am not treating you like a child. I am treating you like an adult who has the proven capacity and willingness to hurt me." It was not pleasant, and I wish I were not facing the need to go there and beyond again.

Just another road bump, eh?

EmDee #3007763 02/25/19 06:50 PM
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I am curious why your router would be reset unless your husband is doing it? I would suggest you DEMAND he stay off porn sites and install some software that not only blocks it but prevents him from turning it off. We have some other forum members who have used such software so hopefully, they will see this.

The biggest problem I see here is that you are not addressing it directly. A problem can't be solved if you won't address it.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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EmDee Offline OP
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Well, exactly. Obviously someone has reset our router, and obviously that someone is my husband. Unfortunately, I have discovered via many calls to individual ISPs, router manufacturers, and independent tech support providers, that there is NO WAY, short of physically blocking access to the router RESET button (superglue the button, lock the router in a cabinet, etc.), to prevent the RESET button being pressed, thereby restoring the equipment's factory settings, which wipe out any filters, DNS re-routing instructions, etc., that a person has put in place. Again, if anyone reading this has a technical solution, I would be delighted to hear it. This appears to me to be an insoluble technical problem, and I think people should be aware of it when they pay such services as OpenDNS in the hope of definitively and permanently blocking access to objectionable material. Ain't no such thing.

That is the technical problem. The other problem is a social/relationship problem, which I own as mine. I have no trouble whatever putting a halt to objectionable behavior in the moment. Meaning I have no trouble with saying, loudly and in the presence of others, such things as "Get your hand off my butt." I have a bit more trouble addressing less immediate issues, particularly those that must be raised with people with whom I wish to maintain reasonably good relationships. My husband for example.

You're right, though. I have to speak up directly to him, and I plan to do exactly that, earliest. I'll let you all know how it goes if anything seems worth reporting.

ETA: Basically, this means that I am going to have to tell him to keep his mitts off the router, and explain exactly why. I will certainly do this, albeit with some hesitation because it's just uncomfortable.

Last edited by EmDee; 02/25/19 10:30 PM.
EmDee #3007765 02/26/19 07:36 AM
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Just know that conflict avoidance only leads to more conflict.

Quote
I have a bit more trouble addressing less immediate issues, particularly those that must be raised with people with whom I wish to maintain reasonably good relationships. My husband for example.


But you don't have a good relationship. You have a false peace that is being sustained by conflict avoidance. Avoiding conflict in a bad relationship does not mean it is a good relationship, it just means it is dysfunctional. .

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.


Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
Complaints are an irritation in a bad marriage but an opportunity for improvement in a good marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


EmDee #3007772 02/27/19 01:23 PM
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I recommend you scrap the OpenDNS and just tell him to stop using porn. There is no technical solution that he cannot work around if he tries hard enough. All you are doing is turning this into a game for him. Instead you need to negotiate a solution. The default should be no internet access at all for anyone. So that might encourage him to get going. Have you read up on the Policy of Joint Agreement?

Of course, once you have his agreement, without his knowledge, you will check that he is keeping to the agreement. You can quietly set your router to log the websites he visits, that is the simplest and easiest although it will not stop him using his phone or apps to chat. Better to put spyware on his computer. Don't forget to put it on his phone too. But if he knows you are doing this it will become a game again so be absolutely sure he cannot detect it. Test it by running anti virus software after it is installed.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
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Originally Posted by living_well
I recommend you scrap the OpenDNS and just tell him to stop using porn. There is no technical solution that he cannot work around if he tries hard enough. All you are doing is turning this into a game for him. Instead you need to negotiate a solution. The default should be no internet access at all for anyone. So that might encourage him to get going. Have you read up on the Policy of Joint Agreement?

Of course, once you have his agreement, without his knowledge, you will check that he is keeping to the agreement. You can quietly set your router to log the websites he visits, that is the simplest and easiest although it will not stop him using his phone or apps to chat. Better to put spyware on his computer. Don't forget to put it on his phone too. But if he knows you are doing this it will become a game again so be absolutely sure he cannot detect it. Test it by running anti virus software after it is installed.


Bingo!!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101



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