Hi again, I'm back for some more advice.

Unfortunately there has been no progress in my marriage since I joined last year. In part that has to do with finances and the fact that I was pregnant, but also in part to do with my husband just not giving himself to the program. Well, not no progress. We do not fight anymore and have had a lot of good moments together but no romantic/connection progress if that makes sense.

He says he believes in MB and that he knows if we follow the principles then we can be in love, he just doesn't know if that is enough and he is not at all motivated to do anything about it. I've spent hours talking to him about it and how I believe being in love is the foundation to every other aspect of a sexual/romantic relationship. But I don't think he is convinced. Either that or he doesn't believe I am worth the effort. He says he does and that is why it is so hard for him because of how much I am worth it, it's just hard to feel that right now.

I am feeling so lonely. Have spent the evening crying alone in my bedroom while he has been on the couch, earphones in listening to music and blocking me out. It doesn't help that I have just had a baby 2 weeks ago and my emotions are all at the surface. I am desperate for connection and some physical touch. I hug, a smile, something. I'm sorry for the drab post but I have noone else to talk to. I don't have any family around and none of my friends know what is going on in our lives - and frankly I want to keep it that way. I've never enjoyed being personal with family or friends, my husband is the only one I like to share myself with, but at this stage he can't support me through my torment and I have noone else who can either.

I have asked him many times to post on the forum or email Dr H, but he won't. I have done both and have been so encouraged by the advice and feedback we received from both. How can I get him onboard? Has anyone else been in this position and had success?

If I give him my best and apply all the principles myself maybe he will soften towards me and be swayed to apply the program as well. But how do I cope emotionally in the meantime? How do I handle the hurt and rejection from him every day as I open up my heart and give him all of me?

Please go easy on me, I'm feeling quite vulnerable at the moment.

Thanks so much for your time and patience.

I'm so sorry that you are going through such a tough time. The birth of a baby should be a time of joy but it is always also a huge stress on your relationship with your spouse because you are pouring all your emotional energy into the new arrival. If there are not enough units in the love bank to draw from during that time, it is very easy for both parents to feel isolated, especially the father who is shut out of that intimacy.

MB does not require both of you to read the books or post on the forum. In fact, trying to force your spouse to do that would be disrespectful. Instead you can use the MB principles to gently guide him. For example, you say that you want a hug and smile but your husband has blocked you out. Have you tried telling him how you feel? Chose a good moment; maybe when you first wake up or maybe at the end of a meal and quietly tell him. Men often need very specific guidance so perhaps ask him to hold your hand or rub your feet. Be sure to praise and thank him and ask what you can do for him. Perhaps he would like your help on ways to interact with the baby?

It is much easier to preserve a romantic link than create one but you can do this. Just be patient. Congratulations on the new arrival!

Does he say you are not worth it? Or you feel he treats you like this?


I was there, found the program in 2015 and my husband treated me as less than worthy and the more I tried to get him involved, the more I gave from me, the less he seemed to see me as worth it. I was convinced he saw me as worthless because he plain told me plus other things. I was advised to separate but I was never able to go fully through with it, but this I highlight: the instances I attempted to separate were the major changes he’s had. When I tried to file for divorce recently, he didn’t sign, and afterwards was the time he most started to fulfill my emotional needs as never ever before... when he told me he loved and he was sorry about several things he had said. Yet he’s not on board with MB, we still have love-buster issues to work on but there have been major changes and I positively see things are improving, particularly he is really really affectionate now.

Don’t give him all of you. It didn’t work when I did. It only made me fall in depression. It took me good time to stand up again and I didnt have a baby... you have a tiny baby. It will no doubt drain you. I was adviced not to give all of me now... and really, great advice. You shouldn’t until he gives enough of his share.

One thing I’ve gotten clear here is that husbands can woo their wife back into the relationship, wives just can’t. Its just the way men’s brains are wired. Period. But you can look out for yourself, look your best, be amazing the way you are, look at yourself in the mirror and remind yourself of how much you are worth. Look at your beauty and feel it. Do some exercise. Eat right. Be thankful. It works wonders inside you. Wake up and be thankful that you woke up, thank your husband for each little thing he does. Thank your parents, your siblings. The cashier who just sold you groceries.

You have a tiny baby. I really don’t want to say separate, specially since I never could but don’t be the one after him. Talk to him deeply about your feelings and his feelings, and talk about alternatives.

MrsD, I am so sorry you are in this predicament. I would encourage you to email Dr Harley again and get his input. I have a feeling he will suggest that you start thinking about separating. It will take time to do this as you can imagine, but much more of this will really beat you down.

I would also encourage you to reach out to your family and close friends for support. Tell them what is going on so you can get their support.

Does he say you are not worth it? Or you feel he treats you like this?


No he hasn't said that I am not worth it, he says the opposite. He is scared to do MB because he doesn't believe I can be attracted to him like I have been to other people and it's a big risk for him to take. If you read a previous post of mine you will understand how our relationship began and progressed. Here: https://forum.marriagebuilders.com/...desperate-for-some-help.html#Post3005976

I obviously know this is not true (though I completely understand how he feels) because I know why I am with him and what I find attractive in a man and he has all of what I want but its the lack of meeting EN and a whole string of previous LB's that have lead to us not having the feelings and attraction that we could have. This is what I believe anyway. He thinks there is more to it and that maybe I don't actually know what I am attracted to.

The reason I feel like I am not worth it to him is because I am also depressed and I am also scared and I am also hurt and rejected, yet despite this I want more than anything to work on our relationship and I believe MB is the key. I have not given up and am basically waiting for him. All the cards are in his hands. Yet he won't make a move only looks for more reasons why we can't have what I want etc... that is why I feel like I am not worth it. I understand why he is scared but I feel like if I was worth it he would want to give it a shot even at the risk of being hurt again. That's what I am doing. Maybe I am expecting too much.

I have also learnt so much more about his relationship with a previous fiance - details of which I really never understood until now. They had the exact relationship that I covet. It has devastated me and highlights even more what we are lacking and amplifies the pain I feel when he is, for example, not affectionate when I know just how much he was with her. Or when he is disinterested in spending time with me, when I know he couldn't stay away from her. It's all just hard to face, though I could if we were moving forward and working on building something better and deeper. He feels the same about an ex of mine, though we barely had any relationship at all, but it's the feelings I had towards him that my husband thinks I can never have towards him.

Yes I've read that so many times as well. I've even spoken to him about this exact point so he knows it and, I think, believes it. I wish I was a man!! haha

Melody, thank you as always for your input. I will think of emailing him again and get some further guidance.

Can I ask, what is the purpose of separation? Is the end goal to have some time out to re-evaluate and miss each other and ultimately reunite or is it just a step towards an eventual divorce? How often does separation result in the couple finally fixing their problems and how often does it end the relationship entirely?

I am nowhere near ready to give up on him and us. I live in a fantasy world most days where I dream up what we could be and I feel like it is within reach. We have the tools, we are just not using them. I don't even feel like it would take us long to fall in love if we had to apply the program fully.

Mrs D, the purpose of the separation is to remove you from a toxic, uncaring situation and protect your emotions. It is also to show your husband that you are serious and won’t stay married unless he makes radical, permanent changes. if he doesn’t change, you are better off without him. However, typically a separation motivates a reluctant spouse to make those necessary changes.

Read Dr Harley’s article “When to call it Quits” https://www.marriagebuilders.com/when-to-call-it-quits-part-1.htm

Thanks for clarifying Melody and for the link... I had a read through it and it makes sense.

I do see significant risk involved. I think he will misinterpret my intentions and think the reason I am separating from him is so I can be free to meet other men behind his back (my prediction) - couldn't be further from the truth. 100% of my mental and emotional energy is going to him and our marriage, he doesn't understand that.

Thank you very much for your advice, you have given me a lot to think about.

You would make it clear that is not the purpose and if he did that, and failed to meet the needs outlined in your Plan A letter [you would tell him what you need to stay in the marriage] then the marriage would be over. That would be a good thing, not a bad thing. Just staying in a bad marriage is not a healthy option.

Is he having an affair?

This is so important but such a hard thing to accept. I have a hard time letting things go in general, especially if I can see a solution. Arg! But you are completely right.. it doesn't benefit either of you or the children to stay in an unfulfilling marriage.

No he is not having an affair. We work together in a home-based business so there really isn't any opportunity for it. He is just depressed and emotionally withdrawn, as he has been pretty much our whole marriage.