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living_well #3008564 06/25/19 10:35 AM
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Originally Posted by living_well
Originally Posted by Reasonswhy
Hi BrainHurts

Yes separating - he is finding somewhere else to live over the next 2 weeks. I am staying in the house with the children. I asked him to move out and he pretty much said yes, no resistance at all, so what does that tell me!


It tells you there is hope

I agree.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Reasonswhy #3008605 06/30/19 03:31 PM
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Hi there

Talk about the emotions I have gone through this week. I started off the week strong and feeling ok, then dipped half way through the week just wanting to call up in a ball and hide. However I managed to get strong again and make some plans for the children and I for the weekend.

My boyfriend got mad at me on Saturday. I went to take the children out for a couple of hours he started getting mad saying I am not seeing very much of the children this weekend. I ended up saying well it didnt have to be like this did it, then he started to get upset and said well its not my fault is it, its your fault because of the way you have been for 6 years. I then told him that I couldnt change the past. He then said he had a big decison to make on monday out of 4 places or something. I then left the house.

I went to meet my sister Saturday night after the kids went to sleep, he asked me where I was going into town and I said no I am going out for a quiet drink to a local as it was a nice evening. He then made a comment about oh you will see loads of the old crowd that will be very cosy for you all to reminisce. I ended up having a nice evening with my sister, I confided in her about the situation and she was very supportive. It was good to talk.

Today, he bought cake and coffee back from his football outing. He then asked for us to go out on the boat as a family and I said that I wont be going but he can take the children. He decided to stay at home.

Then our son was very tired and I was hoping to get him in bed, boyfriend suggested they play football. I said that I am not sure thats a good idea as he is very tired. They played football anyway and then Son had a meltdown and I then told boyfriend that he is only young and sometimes he needs some rest time ( this is a issue in the relationship that I feel he constantly has the kids on the go and I feel they should have free time / down time). He then got mad and said dont worry you will be rid of me soon.

I am wandering what is happening about him moving out - I am so gutted. I have started to look back at the relationship and realise how he has checked out ages ago. Probably a year and a half of stopping wanting to do things just us 2. I feel that he has only been here for the kids. Maybe he is hoping I will break and beg for him not to leave like I did before? So very sad.









Last edited by Reasonswhy; 06/30/19 03:34 PM.
Reasonswhy #3008606 06/30/19 03:41 PM
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I dont understand why he is not trying to fix the situation with me or trying to talk to me. I am so heart broken.

Reasonswhy #3008607 06/30/19 05:03 PM
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Originally Posted by Reasonswhy
I dont understand why he is not trying to fix the situation with me


He is trying to 'fix the situation'. He is trying things that have worked before; threatening you to make you capitulate. He is looking for ways to continue his independent behaviour, his addictions and keep you too.

Originally Posted by Reasonswhy
or trying to talk to me. I am so heart broken.


What would he talk to you about? If he said, 'I would like to keep everything exactly as it was and not move out' you would show him the door. If he said 'I will stop the independent behaviour, completely give up alcohol and illegal drugs and get married' you would say 'lets discuss this once you have been sober for a year and are attending AA regularly'.

Believe me, he will be a different person if he does all that.

Be strong Reasons, you are doing this for your children. It is incredibly important that they see you do this and that you tell them the truth about why.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
Reasonswhy #3008616 07/01/19 12:16 PM
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Evening MB friends

I was sat at home working this morning and boyfriend showed up at the house. He marched in and said 'we need to talk'. So I went into the kitchen to hear what he had to say. He told me that he has found a house to go and live in and that he needs to make a decision about it. He then said that either way we need to sort out whats going to happen. He said that we have got into a bad cycle and something needed to happen. He then proceeded to list off all the things that I had done wrong. I could list them there were many;

How I never want to kiss him
How I was upset with him when he went on a NY trip after I had the second baby
How I never wanted to go out and party with him
How when he came home from work late in the evening I would be sat in front of the TV
How I didn't want me daughter to take his mums name

There were more things but I started to zone out and shut down.

I tried to talk to him but then he started to shout and get angry and then I told him that I didnt want to be on the receiving end of anymore of his angry outbursts and that he should take the house. Then he turned nasty and started to make threats about taking things off me like cars and gym membership and that he wanted the children more time than he originally said. It was at that point I left the house. He then started saying about signing things with solicitors and sitting down the telling the childre. I told him I would be happy to do that once he had left with a calmer head. He then also said he was going to not leave until an agreement had been made as he knew what I was like and that I would prevent him seeing them. He said he was going to phone my mother to sort out access.
He then actually rang my mother and said I would try and stop him seeing the children, my mum told him that I would never do that. That he needed to try and talk to me calmly without shouting.

He then rang me (sounding very tearful) and asked to meet in a public place so I did and for the first time ever we sat down and talked and he actually listened to me. However, I mostly sat and listened to him go on and on about all the things wrong with me again. He said he had stopped making an effort with me as there was no point. He then started to get nasty and sarcastic the more he talked about me. I said that he seemed very angry at me and I didnt feel I had done anything significant or wrong to deserve that. He said he was angry at a lot of things at the moment. He then started to mimic my voice in a horrible childish way so I told him tif we was going to do that I would leave. He did it again so I left. He absolutely hates me, he is now going to way back when and saying how I neglected him. So basically he has spent the last few years punishing me for my lack of attention. I honestly feel like I did give him attention, but when I am faced with so many accusations and anger I get confused about what went on.

I am now worried about him taking the children off me. I am frightened about that. I feel he wants to sort things out but on the basis of all my 'wrong doings', there is nothing he has done wrong as far as he is concerned.

Last edited by Reasonswhy; 07/01/19 12:30 PM.
Reasonswhy #3008617 07/01/19 12:20 PM
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I guess he is saying;

'I would like to keep everything exactly as it was and not move out'

frown

Reasonswhy #3008618 07/01/19 12:35 PM
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Originally Posted by Reasonswhy
I guess he is saying;

'I would like to keep everything exactly as it was and not move out'

frown


Yes precisely. He will not get custody the children unless he can prove you are an unfit mother. With his binge drinking and illegal drug taking I somehow doubt that he would try that tactic as it would massively rebound on him.

Now do not be drawn into any further discussions and do not leave. Your children need the security of their home. He has to be the one to leave. I can give you a suggestion about how to make that happen but if he might be reading this it is better that you ask your sister how to do it.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
Reasonswhy #3008619 07/01/19 12:54 PM
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Yes he also has a past criminal record and was recently reported to the police and school by passer by after they thought he was using overly aggressive to the children on the school run. He was interviewed by the police as a result, but nothing was charged.

Reasonswhy #3008637 07/02/19 07:03 AM
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Originally Posted by Reasonswhy
Yes he also has a past criminal record and was recently reported to the police and school by passer by after they thought he was using overly aggressive to the children on the school run. He was interviewed by the police as a result, but nothing was charged.


He sounds like quite the catch (joke alert). Keep careful records of everything.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
Reasonswhy #3008638 07/02/19 08:28 AM
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Living_Well

I am beside myself, I am so angry with myself. I feel like I have buckled and listened to all his complaints about me and he is still living in the house. I am so so angry. He has actually walked all over me, forced me into a corner so I had to ask him to leave. Then made threats about leaving expecting me to buckle. Then when I didn't buckle he made threats about taking the children off me.

Then when I agreed to talk to him he just rattled on about how awful I was (I can guarantee I was never that awful) which i listened too. I managed to tell him some stuff about how I feel. I even made him some dinner and sorted out some IT issue. He even went off to the gym last night and slept in the spare room.

How do I get him out of the house? I absolutely hate him for this and want him gone.

Last edited by Reasonswhy; 07/02/19 08:29 AM.
Reasonswhy #3008639 07/02/19 10:36 AM
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Originally Posted by Reasonswhy


forced me into a corner so I had to ask him to leave. Then made threats



Originally Posted by Reasonswhy

How do I get him out of the house? I absolutely hate him for this and want him gone.


You and your children are not safe. Get him excluded asap. Take the police report.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
Reasonswhy #3010323 10/11/19 04:11 PM
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Hi there

I am back again.

So I last posted beginning of July. My partner and I decided to be together and give it a real go and went to counselling. We have been doing that for 3 months. We have been spending lots of time together, lots of joint activities mainly with the children. The counselling kind of helped. They picked up on his temper sort of. However, after reading some of the principles on here, the counsellor seemed slightly inadequate.

Anyway to cut a long story short, it seemed as things have reverted back to type again. We went to a wedding together, we had sex that night, in the morning he wanted sex again and we didnt have much time I wanted to go to breakfast, he was very moody with me at breakfast. He seemed as though he was sulky all week. Was it because of that? Who knows.

On the Friday evening he had been in london all day. As soon as he came home from work and said night to the children he went straight to bed. This is how he had been most of the week. The next morning I found a lunch receipt for posh london restaurant from the day before. I was a bit suspicious about it as he hadn't mentioned it. So i called his bluff and asked him how his meeting went? He said oh yes i just went to the office for the meeting. I pushed him and he started to fluster and change his story.

He went balistic saying I was psychotic and he was going to call social service as I wasnt right to look after the children. He then started shouting lots in front of the children, I told him to stop shouting in front of the kids. so I called the police. He told me before I called if you do this I will never forgive you. He packed a bag and left. That was nearly a week ago. He has stayed in a hotel every night since. He comes home to see the children and then as soon as they are in bed he leaves the house. He is treating me like I have had an affair or something.

We havent spoken a word since he went. He has asked to take our son to football over the weekend and he will pop by and get him

Disaster...


Last edited by Reasonswhy; 10/11/19 04:13 PM.
Reasonswhy #3010324 10/11/19 08:52 PM
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Separation is your best plan at this juncture. He is out of the home now. Can you get the locks changed? You should stay separated until he eliminates his angry outbursts and he stops drinking. This may take a year, but it really is the best choice. As long as you stay with him in this renter situation, you are at higher risk to be harmed as a result of his angry outbursts, especially if combined with drinking. I wouldn't let him in at all. If he's going to see the children, make sure it's out of your home. If you remain permanently separated, this is what he will have to do anyway. Have you seen a lawyer to understand any legal rights to property and your children?

In the meantime, make your life as pleasant and enjoyable as you can. When you are with him, be pleasant, eliminate love busters, but don't allow him to return to your home until he has eliminated his angry outbursts and drinking. Marriage is much more than a formal commitment; it's a commitment to provide extraordinary care for each other in a monogamous relationship for life.


Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
Reasonswhy #3010328 10/12/19 08:55 AM
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So boyfriend has been staying away every night.

I spoke to my mother on the phone today and she told me i was wrong to call the police and thats probably why he has left. Feeling massively wrong for doing that and thought i would've got more back up from my mother.

Boyfriend then came home and we took the children to our sons football match. I pulled him to one side to apologise for calling the police. In all honesty I should have handled it in a more mature calmer way. It very much aggravated the situation and I was worried about the police taking it further. He said thank you for that.

He was very calm and told me that he was staying at the hotel for awhile, that he felt that there are underlying problems in the relationship that separation would do us good. That he doesn't want us to split up but time appart would do us good. That there was no passion in the relationship and that is being together is making him not a good father around the children and is causing him to get angry. He is putting on a strong united front in front of the children.

I agreed and we walked away.

So sad.

Reasonswhy #3010339 10/12/19 02:49 PM
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Your mother doesn't know how to save a marriage, so don't be too surprised if you don't get a lot of support for calling the police when you are feeling threatened by his anger. You were not wrong for calling the police if you were frightened by his anger. Neighbors will often call the police for domestic disturbances; the line between domestic disturbance and domestic violence is pretty small.

There is no passion in your relationship because there are tons of love busters happening. Who is going to feel passionate about being with someone who is angry and drinks to excess? It makes perfect sense that there would be no passion. His behavior would be a big turnoff for most women.

Can you support yourself? Can you make a pleasant life for yourself? A good job, friends, and a lovely little home would go a long way to making you feel better.


Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
Reasonswhy #3010373 10/15/19 03:30 PM
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**EDIT**

Moderator's note, please familiarize yourself with the Marriage Builders program before posting to others. The purpose of the forum is to help posters understand Marriage Builders concepts. Thank you.

Last edited by Denali; 10/15/19 06:30 PM. Reason: TOS - posting Non MB Material
Murough #3010383 10/15/19 07:27 PM
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Reasonswhy #3011859 01/12/20 02:55 PM
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so i am back.

I never grasped the nettle and dealt with the whole thing badly trying to keep 'my family' together.

After the last police incident I ended up feeling so guilty that I asked him to come home. We agreed to work through it, which was basically him being cold and serving me crumbs. We even went away on a family ski trip over Christmas. Him being the same, distant and avoiding me. Also wound up with me being cold with him in the endd and giving up too.

This weekend I found on his phone a string of text messages to another woman, telling her he was mad about her and they shared a kiss in the street. So there, my suspicions were right. I asked him to leave he has taken all of his stuff. I phoned her she said he told her that we had broken up, she said we had never had SF. She said we didnt meet online but wouldnt tell me how.

I have told all of our family and friends about what he has been upto, so they all know.

I dealt with the whole thing terribly, try to put plasters on it all and now here i am. He phoned my mother and said he has made a very silly mistake and kissed someone.

I am devestated, i guess i now have to try and survive and move forward. I just want him to stay away now and let me move on.

Reasonswhy #3011860 01/12/20 05:26 PM
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i know i have ignored advice here people but i need some help.

Living well dont give up on me.

Reasonswhy #3011861 01/12/20 05:37 PM
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Is the OW married?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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