I am just looking for some hope or stories here.
Does this program work if there really was never any chemistry or romantic desire in the first place?

I have another thread with more details about my relationship, but to get to the point -- if someone married someone they never felt anything romantic for (even after spending ample time together etc) -- can the spark be created?

YES.

Suggestion, instead of polling forum members about this, why don't you find out on your own? Follow the steps and see for yourself. That is the best way to find out.

MB_hope, a woman can become very physically and sexually attracted to a man she is in love with, even if initially she was not attracted to him physically.

Watch the first season of Married at First Sight and follow Doug and Jamie's story. Right after their wedding, Jamie went to the bathroom and cried because she wasn't attracted to him. Doug became aware of this and was actually following a pretty good marriage builder's script while he pursued his wife for the weeks he had before decision day. By decision day, Jamie had fallen in love with him and had become attracted to him.

I know a women in my life who stayed dating a guy she initially didn't find very handsome for his wonderful heart and personality. She became very deeply in love with him and crazy attracted to him, physically and sexually. This marriage I'm referring to follows the marriagebuilder's script hook, line and sinker.

Start dating her for 4, four hour dates per week. Make your dates count. Don't discuss "issues" or problems on dates but purposefully make those dates the most enjoyable times of your week. Focus on meeting her emotional needs during those dates. Here is a link that will describe the anatomy of a date, and how to have a date that "does it" for her emotionally. If she is enthusiastic to do so, ending your dates with sex is great. If not, just keep building this bridge over the creek, one stone at a time. Her feelings will come around.

https://www.marriagebuilders.com/th...-husband-receive-the-sex-he-needs-in.htm

You'll need to be an avid student of avoiding lovebusters (study these forums to learn from others' struggles) and meeting emotional needs. I have seen the resolution you are hoping for play out in real life. It can be done.

Edited to add: If your date is so much fun and goes so late that there is not time for a quality sexual connection at the end, continue the date by snuggling and talking until you drift off to sleep and often you can enjoy the physical connection as you awake in the morning. This is a power date that feels like a min-honeymoon vacation experience because the warm and wonderful feelings generated by a focused mission of meeting each other's needs spans over such a long period of time.

Are both of you still getting attention from other people or are you following MB?

We are both working the program and doing our best to meet each other's needs and avoid love busters. As for attention from others, I am not giving any to anyone else and am not seeking it from anyone else. I believe she is doing the same.

MelodyLane we are following the steps and working the program. I was just asking to hear from others that have been in my and my wife's situation. We both want to stay together, but most of the advice we come across addresses falling back in love etc.

It's hard to explain but basically, my wife married someone she didn't really like as anything more than a friend and even then I was just kept around because she was lonely and didn't really have anyone else.

Stick with it! It works..

I understand the point but my relationship is quite different. One we didn't get married at first sight. In fact, we had several break-ups - one lasting months with us living across the country from eachother. She reached out to me and we got back together long distance for a few months and her moving across the country to live in the same city as me. During that time she stepped out once when we were back together long distance and then several times shortly after she moved. I didn't know about these immedietly; it was a year after the incidents that she confessed them and this led to another short break-up. What was explained at the time was she was in a bad place emotionally and depressed and drinking -- all true; but what I was not told even though it was specifically asked at the time was she just wasn't into me and also was not really attracted to me physically or my personality. She has told me that she didn't want to hurt my feelings and figured we would eventually break-up. -- I am not trying to be disrespectful to her and we have come a long way; but I do have some resentment in that if she hadn't have lied; different life decisions may have been made that would allow us both to not be in this situation. In her defense the not into me part... she had not really ever experienced a romantic spark or chemistry with anyone; but she did feel lke there was something missing.


This makes a lot of sense and is what we have been doing... In fact before she had the conversation with me telling me that she found herself having feelings for other men that she hadn't had for me; we had been moving in this direction (kids were a little older and we were having regular date nights etc) -- in fact the reason she told me was that while she hadn't experienced them in quite awhile; she wanted to let me know so we could avoid them and she thought clearing the air would help. I didn't respond how she thought I would... while she thought I knew she didn't have those tingly, butterfly in the stomach type feelings for me (which I did and was somewhat ok with)... what she forgot or didn't give much thought to was that during our dating she had expressed to me she didn't 'look at guys like that' and just didn't get feelings like that and thought they were stupid.

Also; there was also some dishonesty about which guys she had had those feeling for initially as one was a friend of ours. Again this dishonesty has created a bit of distrust in me; we are working through this and following the policy of Radical Honesty.

One thing that has been said is that she feels like she is going through some type of delayed puberty and has become hyper-aware that she can have these feelings and they can be sparked by just the way a guy carries himself or a person's perceived personality. There doesn't seem to be a common place that they can occur which makes avoiding the situations difficult.

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So while our dates are going well (we do struggle in finding things we both like to do; one reason is that by my wide's own admission is that throughout her life she has always just gone along with what other people want and doesn't know what she likes -- although we both like mexican food lol - so most of our dates start there)

We do struggle with conversation but at times that is getting better -- a big hurdle there is the compatibility of intelligence (I do not think my wife is unintelligent by the way -- just using the term from BRF) -- I grew up in a very academically centered house and while many people would say I am a good conversationalist as I can talk about many things and love to go in-depth and analyze things from lots of angles -- she can find that exhausting and when we stick to surface topics I can find it stifling. Apparently way back when; we were just friends and we would drive around for hours and talk (because I love to hear my own voice lol) she has told me how at times she felt off because she couldn't get my jokes or follow along at times; because as she has explained "people have to know things to talk with you"

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As far as sex goes we have a somewhat unique situation.
While my libido is higher than hers -- common (given testosterone levels in men vs women) and not really an issue as the frequency is probably higher than couples with no issues at all.

One of the reasons for this that has come out during our coaching is that for whatever reason my wife has "normalized sex" so it is hard to use as a barometer in our relationship.
It sounds strange but it would be like this... imagine you had a man and woman who were just friends and liked spending time together and well they both like sex from time to time so they have sex even without a deep emotional connection.
Usually, men can do this without issue.

In fact for some the deeper the emotional connection; they can find themselves shying away from the physical because they want to keep those areas separate.

Sometimes this can be because of early exposure to sexual situations and also some people are just wired this way -- I'm not trying to play psychologist on my wife here; just relaying the situation in case someone has some insight.
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All this to say, we are doing good (for the most part) -- dating, enjoying each other and working through issues.
We both realize we need agreement POJA and honesty RH and to strive to avoid LBs and meet ENs and making time for dates and recreation and sex (even with kids lol)

But we seem to hit the biggest stumbling block on the lack of initial spark or chemistry or animal magnetism, etc.
We've (I've mainly) been working and waiting for those feelings from her (as she knows she is capable of having them) and maybe it is just more PA I need to work on (I'll make a separate post about that because it is an interesting situation).


It has taken awhile I know what to do and how to make love bank deposits, but it hurts to realize that she is able to have deposits made by someone so easily just by being who they are.
This isn't a cop out or an excuse to not meet needs... I just don't want us to feel like there is something forever lacking in our relationship and hopefully, we can get it.

Maybe I sound selfish but I am wanting more than just to have more than as many LB deposits as I can with my wife... I'd like to feel like I have more than anyone else could.
Like back to the reality show in question -- if she had walked in and saw Doug and was like oh wow this guy is great AND he pursued her and earned points that way... would the balance be higher?

I struggle with feeling like I am loved in spite of - if that makes sense.
Does anyone else face this dilemma; how do you deal with it?

I'm married to a pleaser too. On the one hand they are a delight to live with because they are so thoughtful but on the other hand they are so used to going with what everyone else wants that they have a really hard time knowing what they like (although they do know what they do not like).

They also have problems with in-depth conversation especially when that involves debate. The two issues (not knowing what you like and not being able to have in depth discussions) go hand in hand.

To find things you both like to do: you are going to need to be creative. For example, I like repairing things and my husband is a great team mate. Does not sound very romantic but it deposits tons of love units for me when he gently points out better ways to do the project (I tend to be careless). I have never had any luck with political discussions with him because he finds it so hard to disagree. I am sad about that because, like you, I love to analyze things logically. But instead we have joined a book club. That allows us to independently read, discover and then discuss some wonderful classical literature.

You will find common ground if you work at it. She will be thrilled.