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#3009640 08/29/19 03:49 AM
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Ex WW had affair resulting in pregnancy. Tried to keep marriage together but ultimately failed, however gave me time to bond with OC.

Share custody with EX WW, Raising OC as my own and loving it. I don't see child as any different than Biological, however it's a reality that still needs to be addressed with OC at some point. No regrets whatsoever about raising OC.

When and how should I tell OC (currently 6)? I seem to remember reading somewhere that Dr Harley recommends 7 years old or so? How does one tell the child in a way that gets the point across but doesn't make it a thing?

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Hello ragnarok, welcome to Marriage Builders. I remember he did address this in the past. I will look around and see if I can find it!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Do you have other children with this woman?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Does the OM know? Did he sign away his rights?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I have two other children from marriage. OM knows but has never had any interest and as far as I know has no contact. Ex WW is bitter and hateful and we don't get along so it's not something I'm going to discuss with her to find out.

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"If your husband wants to remain married to you, my advice is that your daughter should be told who her father is only after she reaches the age of 21. The father should not be offered visitation rights, and he should not be asked to help support her. I make these recommendations to help guarantee that there never be any contact between you and the other man again if you are to remain married."

https://www.marriagebuilders.com/pregnant-with-a-lovers-child-1.htm

This is what I found. But I am a little confused. I thought I read somewhere else that Dr. Harley recommended telling the OC the truth when he/she was old enough to understand. My OC is almost 11 and we have not told her about her biological father yet, though we've been considering doing so. Now, I'm wondering if we should wait until she is an adult?


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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I think the difference between that advice and the current situation is that Dr Harley's advice is aimed at couples who want to stay married and to rebuild their marriage after the affair. Everything I have read or heard him say in that situation is aimed at keeping OM out of their lives. The risk is that it will be impossible to keep OM out of their lives if his paternity is acknowledged in any way. In order to eliminate the risk of the affair reigniting, and equally importantly, to protect the betrayed spouse from the recurrent pain caused by OM's involvement in his marriage, there must be no recognition of the relationship between the OC and OM.

However, in this situation the couple has already divorced so the advice might not be the same as it is for the couple that wants to remain married.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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I think that is about telling the child WHO the dad is, not that there is a dad. I remember reading that waiting too long can create resentment in the child as they feel like they've been lied to. I'm pretty sure that he recommended telling them at around 7 as that's old enough to understand, but not old enough that it will be super meaningful. So they then grow up knowing it, but not making it a big deal

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I shot Dr Harley an email at the radio show and here is his response:

Originally Posted by Dr Harley
Tough call. Since he has two other children with that woman, adding one more will not make his relationship with other women any more difficult, and it wouldn't matter to them that the child wasn't his. It would be like him marrying a woman who had been married before and had a child. As for telling the child, I don't see any reason why he should tell the child that he isn't her biological father. But he shouldn't tell her that he IS her biological father. Let her try to figure it out. If she ever comes to him and asks if he is her biological father, he should say that he loves her as if she were his biological father, but that another man had an affair with her mother and that man is actually her biological father.


You can email him at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com if you want to ask follow up questions.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thanks Melody, I could swear I remember reading a recommendation to tell the child.

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In Dr Harley always tries to find the bestsolution with the least amount of pain/disruption. In your situation, the optimum appears to be not to lie when she asks, but also not to tell when she doesn't.

Do you want to tell badly or did you already say something? Why don't you email for further explanaition or guidance.

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**EDIT**

moderator's note: please stick to MB concepts if you are going to post to others. This is not a platform for your personal philosophies.

Last edited by Denali; 09/06/19 05:40 PM. Reason: TOS - posting Non MB Material

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