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JWx4 #3008501 06/19/19 06:07 PM
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Jay, I am very sorry for your pain. frown Please re-read the posts and follow the advice . IF you can follow the advice you can save your marriage and have a happy, peaceful marriage. IF, you can follow this program, But you need to start by exposing the affair. Tell the OM's wife everything you know. Tell your close family and friends and any children over age 4. Exposure is profoundly therapeutic. The next steps are to affair proof your marriage and start implementing the basic concepts into your marriage.

Can you do all that?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


JWx4 #3008502 06/19/19 06:09 PM
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I will warn you also that counseling is destructive to marriages. Traditional counseling is extremely ineffective [85% failure rate] and conflicts with the Marriage Builders program.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


JWx4 #3008504 06/19/19 09:06 PM
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Thank you everyone for your advice I greatly appreciate it! The OW knows everything, well 85% of it, she doesn't need to know every detail. The OM already texted me telling me to back off or he will put a restraining order on me! We are done with them and want to just move on. We are having a very difficult time exposing the affair to friends and family as I want to protect my wife. I don't want people to judge her. Is there a way to ummm minimize the story? Is there a way to just tell parts and feel good about it?
I also want to know where this program is that you are talking about! I am willing to do anything.... I also want your book to see if that will help me as well. Our consellor isn't a physcologist she is just a councillor and we really like her as she just basically listens and gives us positive guidance we feel.
I don't want this to end.... I know this marriage can be amazing! When I found out about the first small affair Emotional so I thought at the time it took some time to re build... But when it was re built it was the best our marriage has ever been! It was amazing! Solid 4 months of pure bliss and missing eachother and needing to be together and always being together it was amazing! But then I found more information out and we have to start all over again, but it is something that I am willing to work at and I know she will as well! I love this girl and she has always been the love of my life and as hard as it is to think of what she did I don't want this to end! I hope she feels the same and I hope hope that we can one day be as strong as we can be!

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We haven't exposed to anyone yet. I don't want to expose her as I want to protect her. We talked about it, but don't know how or don't know the benefit.... we just want to move on!

JWx4 #3008509 06/19/19 11:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Jaywolo00
Thank you everyone for your advice I greatly appreciate it! The OW knows everything, well 85% of it, she doesn't need to know every detail. The OM already texted me telling me to back off or he will put a restraining order on me! We are done with them and want to just move on. We are having a very difficult time exposing the affair to friends and family as I want to protect my wife. I don't want people to judge her. Is there a way to ummm minimize the story? Is there a way to just tell parts and feel good about it?

Just tell your close family and friends that she had an affair with a married man at work [give his name] and ask them to support your marriage. Your children over age 4 should also be told the truth. Keep in mind that exposure is therapeutic, not harmful. The more people who know, the more people to hold your wife accountable and support your marriage. Don't hesitate to tell your family and close friends.

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I also want to know where this program is that you are talking about! I am willing to do anything.... I also want your book to see if that will help me as well.

The program is in the book I told you about and at the links I provided.

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Our consellor isn't a physcologist she is just a councillor and we really like her as she just basically listens and gives us positive guidance we feel.

I think that's great, but it is a distraction from working on your marriage.

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I don't want this to end.... I know this marriage can be amazing! When I found out about the first small affair Emotional so I thought at the time it took some time to re build... But when it was re built it was the best our marriage has ever been! It was amazing!

You have an excellent opportunity to have a great marriage, IF you can follow this program.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


JWx4 #3009754 09/17/19 09:09 AM
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Just wanted to give everyone an update! We have been going to counselling and have had some amazing discussions together and our bond / passion/ intamacy / has never been better! We can’t stay away from eachother as it feels awkward! We feel the whole world knows as the rumors going around are crazy! That did bother us as well it’s our lives but we pushed it behind us! We are working very hard on making this work! Few things that are really bothering me still are three major questions and she keeps answering them the same way no matter how I ask her, but I feel she is keeping to these answers cause she doesn’t want to start back over again! I am also curious our love making is amazing absolutely crazy cause she wants it all the time! My only fear and maybe you guys can feel for me is that she is only doing that to make me happy or does she really want it and need it as much as she says she does! Always questioning if it’s for the right reason.

Last but not least when I found out all the details I mean all the details I contacted the ap and he threatened me with a restraining order if I was to contact his wife every again! Now I feel that is just a threat to me so I won’t tell her the whole truth even though I guarantee she doesn’t know the whole truth! Like for instance they went to her parents place while they where on holidays.... I am sure she doesn’t know that!!! I just don’t know if I want to get myself involved with there situation or not or just forget about them and work hard on ours instead! I just want that SOB to pay for what he did to my wife! Looking for all the advice anyone can give!

JWx4 #3009757 09/17/19 11:49 AM
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Thanks for the update! First off, the OM can't file a RO against you for contacting another person. GOOD GRIEF. These liars make up any crap to stop you from exposing them. Secondly, most threaten to file lawsuits but NEVER DO. It is an empty threat because the truth is a defense to slander and libel. If they actually did file a suit their affair would be.,...exposed! They would be hurt, not you. If I were you I would get ahold of her and give her these details because she needs to know this.

If I were you, I would embrace your wife's new attitude for your marriage and do your very best job at meeting her needs. Don't bring up the affair and don't lovebust her. I tend to believe her new passion for you because women find it VERY VERY HARD to fake sexual passion. Generally speaking, it makes us sick. I know you feel suspicious only because of the blow of the affair, but you will get over that. Sounds like you are on a good path towards recovery!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


JWx4 #3009758 09/17/19 04:30 PM
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JW your situation sounds very, very like mine - I'm a bit over two years into my journey after discovering my wife's affairs (yeah, more than one unfortunately) and our recovery continues to go well. I thought I'd stop lurking on this forum and chime in, because of how what you've said resonates with me. I do think your wife is blowing smoke up your butt with the "he forced me" stuff because I've heard it from my FWW too. It seems extremely hard for a WW to come to terms with the idea that yeah, she was the gatekeeper of her charms and she /chose/ to give them away.

Enjoy the passion and intimacy - it doesn't last forever (alas!!) but it certainly re-establishes the bond between you. It seemed very genuine when accompanied by Extreme Precautions that the affair will never happen again. I'm curious if the intensity of "hysterical bonding" as it's called is an indicator to the success of recovery, perhaps one of the vets around here can chime in.

Do follow the advice to get the book Surviving an Affair right now, ebook or paper or audio book, doesn't matter. She needs to listen to it as well. Learn what your respective Emotional Needs are and focus on meeting them. Be warned that she may have huge problems meeting your emotional needs if you rigidly define them. For example, I had a LOT of problems with my wife not being affectionate (not sex, that was fine, just the small things that let you know she loves you) because my wife expressed affection by cooking and making things for me. I really clued into her difficulties (which I was despairing about) by watching her with the dog, of all things. The dog absolutely loves me because I'm always petting and kissing and rubbing him down. He's much more reserved with her because she never touches him. So, sometimes you need to accommodate her own distinct way of meeting your ENs. ***EDIT***

You will continue to visualize those sex acts and other intimacies between them for a long time - it's super hard to get them out of your mind but they slowly fade. These days I tend to brood on them late at night or if I wake early. I found a huge cache of emails between her and her partners and the lizard in my head constantly recites them if I don't suppress him. He's still screaming at her a lot of the time. I tune him out or I'd be committing LoveBusters right and left.

Finally I'd not bother with counseling. I found with MB we were so far ahead of the counselor, it was really really frustrating, and she insisted on rehashing a lot of the past that we'd already realized was what killed our first marriage.

Good luck pal. It's worth attempting recovery.

Back to lurking smile If the mods don't mind I have a few other books that have really helped me with dealing with the PTSD of the affairs but I'll let them guide me on this.

Mg

Last edited by Ariel; 09/17/19 06:37 PM. Reason: Non MB material

DS19 DS17 Married since 1990 In Recovery since 7/2017 So far so good.
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Originally Posted by mgellan
Enjoy the passion and intimacy - it doesn't last forever (alas!!) but it certainly re-establishes the bond between you. It seemed very genuine when accompanied by Extreme Precautions that the affair will never happen again. I'm curious if the intensity of "hysterical bonding" as it's called is an indicator to the success of recovery, perhaps one of the vets around here can chime in.

Mgellan, thanks for coming out of lurking and making a post! Long time, no hear. I don't think hysterical bonding is an indicator of success, because it is not due to the passion that comes from creating a romantic marriage. Hysterical bonding is a short lived phenomenon that is usually due to relief the marriage did not end. The passion he described, though, is created if one a) successfully meets emotional needs and b) spends at least 15 hours a week doing so

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For example, I had a LOT of problems with my wife not being affectionate (not sex, that was fine, just the small things that let you know she loves you) because my wife expressed affection by cooking and making things for me. I really clued into her difficulties (which I was despairing about) by watching her with the dog, of all things. The dog absolutely loves me because I'm always petting and kissing and rubbing him down. He's much more reserved with her because she never touches him. So, sometimes you need to accommodate her own distinct way of meeting your ENs. ***EDIT***

I wanted to encourage you to read up on the emotional need of affection. What you described, cooking and making things is not affection at all and won't ever meet that need. Of course she needs to meet that need in a way she likes but it has to be effective. What she is doing is not affection and is not even an intimate EN. It would likely fall under the category of domestic support, which is not an intimate emotional need. It's real important that you teach her how to best meet your need of affection. Affection is an important ingredient in creating romantic love, domestic support is not.

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Finally I'd not bother with counseling. I found with MB we were so far ahead of the counselor, it was really really frustrating, and she insisted on rehashing a lot of the past that we'd already realized was what killed our first marriage.

So agree. Marriage counseling is usually very destructive to marriages because they don't understand how to create romantic love. Rather, they waste time on "communication." Couples in love don't have a problem with communication, though. But the best communicators end up divorced because all the communicating in the world won't hold a marriage together.

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Back to lurking smile If the mods don't mind I have a few other books that have really helped me with dealing with the PTSD of the affairs but I'll let them guide me on this.

Mg

Thanks for posting!!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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