I am unequally yoked in a marriage. I became a Christian during the marriage. The problem is I have had prior suspicions of my husband having inappropriate texts with other women. Flirtatious in nature. I did confront, but he did not take responsibility for his actions. He laughed off the texts. Fast forward a year and one half.... I have had conversations with four individuals who have filled me in on his past actions on his prior marriages (unfaithfulness multiple times and abuse both physical and emotional). Three have stated they have heard he has been unfaithful to me a few years ago. Due to him not owning up to the message I came across prior, I am now considering a separation. I don't have reason to believe the individuals would be making up his unfaithfulness, but I am contemplating if separation is the best action to take. It's hard to make a decision based on others words. Also, I have a feeling when I leave he will end the marriage. It will make things difficult for me but not impossible to be on my own. I do have fears that I am trying to not let get in the way, but to trust in God instead to work out the details. I would love advice on how you might handle this situation. Separation, divorce or stay in situation because infidelity happened years ago. I am worried though this is a pattern in his behavior.

Hello lxb34, welcome to Marriage Builders. How long married? Any children? Have you snooped on him to see if he is being faithful? Has he ever abused you?

Married for 14 years. No children together. I came across flirtatious texts in the past. He is emotionally, but not physically abusive. Emotionally in a sense I can't have a conversation about anything that matters. He will not answer or give hurtful comments. Does not seem interested in growth of relationship and intimacy, emotional or physical. He also lives a very separate life. Does not include me when he goes out to the bar with his friends. This usually occurs usually two times per week. In, the past up to five or six times per week.

He probably has had many affairs given that he leads a completely separate lifestyle. He lives like a single man. If I were in your situation, I would send him a letter telling him what you need to be in a happy, secure marriage. At the top of that list I would put no more nights out without you and no more going to bars. Ask him to join you in a program of recovery that will create a happy, romantic marriage. He likely won't do it. When you give him the letter, I would do your best to meet his needs for a few weeks and then separate from him. Don't threaten, just move out or ask him to move.

Read this article:When to Call it Quits

It sounds like you and your husband live very independent lives and have a long way to go to create a great marriage. Do you want to save your marriage? Have you read the Basic Concepts on this website? Do you think you could persuade your husband to join in creating a passionate, romantic safe marriage? Will he stop going to bars without you?

I would try snooping quietly and see what he's up to. Don't say anything to him about whether or not he's seeing anyone.

I am open to saving marriage just not very hopeful. I will need to look closer into basic concepts. I have read about plan A and plan B. I also ready when to call it quits. I do feel like I am at a point that I need to make a stance. I have tried to get my husband to go to counselling, do the five love languages quiz before and others. He is not open to any of it. I have even asked him how I could be a better wife and he has responded one time that I am not capable, but would not explain any further. I also don't see him not going to bars without me. Also I feel as though there should be a certain degree of trust that you can be somewhere without your spouse and not worry. I have a hard time snooping because he is very private with his phone and it has fingerprint recognition. He does not use a computer. He may not be seeing anyone currently, but having a conversation with his ex wives was very eye opening to his patterns and who he is deep down. Of course he pained a different picture to me. I can now see so many similarities in the way he treats his wife. I did recently have a talk with him stating I felt like I was the only one who was hopeful and saw the potential in our marriage. I also said that I feel like I am hoping for something he does not want. He did not respond. I have written a letter stating my hopes of reconciling, but that it will take more than just stating he wants the marriage. It's a good idea to spell it out in more detail. I feel like I need to be prepared for him to walk away. Hard because I do see some good in him.

LXB, I'm so sorry for your problems, but glad you had the courage to come over here for some solid advice.

Your husband sounds like a serial adulterer. Here is an article that specifically deals with that aspect:

https://www.marriagebuilders.com/what-to-do-with-a-serial-cheater.htm

I'd recommend that you walk through the steps Melody & team have for you to flush out your best options, but just know that in the end you may have a difficult decision.

Thank you for the links to articles. He does sound like a serial adulterer. Wish I would have had this knowledge before I married him. He gave me a completely different story. I would like to think he grew up and changed his ways, but not confident after hearing the rumors he cheated on me too.

So what is your plan?

I plan on separating. I have a letter composed so I can get all my thoughts out along with what is necessary to reconcile. I will need to move my things out when he is out of town and be prepared to have the conversation when he gets back. He has in the past burned his son's possessions after a disagreement. I keep however contemplating if I am making the best decision by leaving. Most reasons I come up with though are wanting to keep the same comfort level financially and not wanting to be single and alone again. I realize those are not good reasons though, just hard to take the plunge.

I understand it is a hard change to make. I would make the point that you are single and alone now. He is not present in this marriage, which is what is causing you so much grief.

Separating gives you the best options: a) separation motivates him to meet your conditions and you end up with a happy marriage or b) he doesn't meet your conditions and you end up divorced. Both of those options are better than living in limbo in a bad marriage that beats you down emotionally. Leaving will be hard at first, but you will know it is short term pain for long term gain. STAYING with the status quo is short term pain and long term pain.

You can also file for legal separation and get financial support. That would probably be your best bet. And if he doesn't meet your conditions, you will be set up to move right into a divorce.

You make very good points. He is not present in the marriage to the degree he should. Staying is long term pain. Separating gives him the chance to turn the marriage around, and a divorce is better than living in a marriage with the risk of repeated unfaithfulness and emotional hardship.

Is there any reason I should not trust my sources, his ex wives, and their hearing my husband has been unfaithful. This is another area I am stuck. They have not caused any trouble in the past 14 years. I just want to make sure they are correct. They did not see with their own eyes, but heard from someone that their ex was up to old ways. I am afraid of being wrong and falsely accusing. Not sure how to come to terms with this.

No reason to think ex wives are not telling the truth. Those of us here who have been married to serial adulterers saw your situation in your very first post. A serial adulterer has an entirely different pattern of behaviour starting with a secret second life. A serial adulterer gets an adrenaline rush out of the chase and conquest. It is like a drug addiction.

Don't accuse him of anything, he will just lie. Don't threaten and don't tip your hand, just separate. Mel will give you the conditions you need to ask for AFTER you have separated. You may feel that enforcing the conditions is too onerous for you. But once you are separated and safe, there is no rush.

I wouldn't accuse him of anything. The main issue is his current behavior. He lives an independent lifestyle that is not conducive to marriage. That is what you need to focus on. I would write him a letter asking him to stop going out without you, and to help you create an integrated, transparent, romantic, MARRIED lifestyle. I sort of doubt he will, but if he does, I would not reconcile unless he came clean - and passed a polygraph - about his fidelity in your marriage.

Is your husband an alcoholic?

He does have drinks when he is out, but don't think he is an alcoholic.
Should I have a conversation and give letter in person or just leave and leave the letter? I did mention in the letter about his single lifestyle and unfaithfulness. Maybe I should edit that part. If I am to make requests would it be counselling, spending the twenty hours together, Should I request no bars without me? I really don't feel like he will go for that and I also feel there should be a level of trust. If I can never leave him out of my sight that is no way to live either.

Just give him the letter. If he doesn't agree to your conditions, you should plan to move out without warning. Don't tell him you are moving out or use it as a threat. The single lifestyle is the issue for you. You don't have direct evidence of unfaithfulness. Although I agree he has likely cheated. I wouldn't request "counseling" because counseling is very destructive to marriages. I would request no more single lifestyle, no bars. I would ask him to join you in an integrated lifestyle where you spend all of your free time together, going out on dates, where you have complete transparency.

I was planning on moving items out first because I have seen the ways he has reacted in the past with his son's items. He burned them and sent a picture. I agree it should be done more nonconfrontational, but I don't have a good feeling about his response. Not sure how I would move anything out if he has a bad reaction. I was planning on stating the reason of moving items out in the letter based on his previous actions. I was going to also state this is not the way I wanted to do things.

So you think if you gave him a polite, respectful letter asking him to make changes, he would harm you? Has he done that in the past to you?

I feel like if separation were mentioned if changes not made he will be unpredictable and make it difficult for me to take items. He has not harmed me before. However, there was one instance he came towards me and I felt like he was close to being physical. I have heard he was physical with his previous wives.

Right, this is why we suggest you DO NOT mention separation. You should give him the letter and get his response. If he refuses to make those changes, then you move out without warning.