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Reasonswhy #3011994 01/22/20 09:03 AM
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Originally Posted by Reasonswhy
DS also got in trouble with the teacher yesterday as well which is unusual.

Please schedule a meeting with the classroom teacher of each of your children to explain what is going on. It will be an enormous help to both the teacher and the children. A dialogue between you and teacher will allow him to support you.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
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(formerly lied_to_again)
living_well #3011996 01/22/20 02:03 PM
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Originally Posted by living_well
Originally Posted by Reasonswhy
DS also got in trouble with the teacher yesterday as well which is unusual.

Please schedule a meeting with the classroom teacher of each of your children to explain what is going on. It will be an enormous help to both the teacher and the children. A dialogue between you and teacher will allow him to support you.

Thank you Living Well

I did have a meeting with the the Head Teacher and made her aware. He seemed better today. I don't think I helped the situation by crying in front of him and then also snooping. DS went to football training tonight with BF and I didnt ask a single thing, I am proud. I am scared though for when they are going to tell me something terrible.

Had a good day today. Need to make some plans, also is this bad but I am always in when BF drops the kids home . Maybe I should arrange a sitter to go out so I look like I am having a life?

Reasonswhy #3011997 01/22/20 04:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Reasonswhy
Originally Posted by goody2shoes
If you're going through hell, keep going!
smile
for some reason this made me chuckle - you have a sick mind Goody2shoes smile
Credits go to Sir Winston Churchill.
Originally Posted by Reasonswhy
Had a good day today. Need to make some plans, also is this bad but I am always in when BF drops the kids home . Maybe I should arrange a sitter to go out so I look like I am having a life?

Not to make it look like you have a life, but to shield you from contact. Knowing he is there will probably also make you anxious. No contact with him only a few yards away is still kind of flimsy. It would even be better if the sitter picked them up from sports.

Reasonswhy #3012000 01/23/20 04:47 AM
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Hi All

I always feel so low in the mornings (get better through the day) and then the kids come in and give me a cuddle and feel so much better. The kids seem much better and I think it is because I am not talking or snooping with them anymore. I think if they know that I am ok then they feel ok.

I dropped the kids off at school this morning and went to the gym for the first time since he left. Got stared at by 2 guys on the treadmill next to me - some attention felt good and boosted me a little I wont lie. Prob cause I have lost a little weight!

More thoughts on how controlling he was in the relationship and getting annoyed with myself for feeling so desperate over him. Girl do you like being abused?

So much stuff that was difficult to figure out when I was with him but seems much clearer now. It all started when I wanted a 3rd baby and he said no. I guess thats when he first thought I have something I can hold over her? I understand how everyone has choices but it was the heartless way he did it, almost goading me, if you'd have had SF with me more ect then you would have had that. So my giver went overboard to prove my love to him. He would walk into a room and pick up a baby and start cuddling it and making a fuss of little children, knowing how much I wanted another. He even said to me once if you would behave yourself you would have the lounge extension by now. I think he got so use to having power over me it made him really cocky almost I can do what the hell I want as I know she is sat at home waiting for me. Well not anymore!

There are a lot of things becoming clearer - how obssessed he was about getting both DS and DD into football - I even think that was his way of having control over them!

I have also started going into the office a bit more now, which I have actually enjoyed. He hated me going into the office, said he hated the company I worked for bit it was because I was around other men and he got very jealous and insecure.

I remember lying in bed having lots of heart palpitations and really bad anxiety when I was around him. I even went to the doctor to see if it was early menopause. BF even told me that something is not quite right with you.

BF texted my mother this morning with a video message of our DS singing happy birthday to her this morning. My mother has ignored it.

Another mother at the school came upto me and said this morning that BF has texted her saying can I have my football tickets you borrowed? This is the second time he has text her and she has already told him Reasons has them. Yes I do have the tickets, but should i ignore or give them to DS on Saturday?

Starting to get a feel for my new life.

Last edited by Reasonswhy; 01/23/20 05:16 AM.
Reasonswhy #3012002 01/23/20 07:34 AM
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Originally Posted by Reasonswhy
More thoughts on how controlling he was in the relationship and getting annoyed with myself for feeling so desperate over him. Girl do you like being abused?.

RW, this is the beauty of Plan B. While it can be stressful at first, it isn't long before the cloud goes away and one starts seeing things in a new light. It will get better as time goes on as long as you stay dark. Thanks for the update, glad you are having a good day!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Reasonswhy #3012004 01/23/20 08:41 AM
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Originally Posted by Reasonswhy
BF texted my mother this morning with a video message of our DS singing happy birthday to her this morning. My mother has ignored it.

Another mother at the school came upto me and said this morning that BF has texted her saying can I have my football tickets you borrowed? This is the second time he has text her and she has already told him Reasons has them. Yes I do have the tickets, but should i ignore or give them to DS on Saturday?

Starting to get a feel for my new life.
Your mother didn't ignore it enough, why did she tell you? You are in plan B and should be protected from this info.

Tell the other mom that he is cheating on you and you don't want contact. Sorry he is using her to get to you but you don't want to hear from or about him through others.

Reasonswhy #3012005 01/23/20 08:42 AM
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You have an IM for communication. IM = firewall. Only clean data gets through.

Reasonswhy #3012010 01/24/20 02:25 PM
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I have been doing great again today. Went to the gym then went to docs for anti ds.

She was a lovely female doctor and i ended up pouring my heart out to her about what has been going on.

She was just brilliant. I described the relationship and how it made me feel. She told me that I had been in a domestic abuse relationship and that what I had endured was coercive control. That everything had been about controlling me and gently nipping away at my confidence. Everything rang true. She recommended that I go through the natural grieving process and then come back in 2 weeks if i was really struggling then she would help me. I came out feeling like a brand new person.

I was doing great then stupidly looked at the rental site at a house I think he has been looking at and saw that its been taken off the market. All the anxiety has come back again and if he has rented out a house, I am gutted that he has done this without trying to break NC and also its going to break our childrens hearts. They think he will come back home . AHHHHHH so annoyed. I really can't believe he hasn't even tried even for the sake of his children, he has given up and hasn't even tried for them. For some reason this house renting thing is a really big stage for me to get through. I just cannot believe that he has accepted this situation. He LOVES his children and hardly spends a night away from them. DD asked if i was going to be with them tomorrow . Now panicking that I should have given him a Plan B letter, but still he has made no efforts on his part.

He is being very accepting of everything even all the IM requests - not arguing anything at all being totally compliant which is very unlike him.

The kids are with him overnight tomorrow.








Last edited by Reasonswhy; 01/24/20 02:52 PM.
Reasonswhy #3012011 01/24/20 03:27 PM
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Originally Posted by Reasonswhy
I was doing great then stupidly looked at the rental site at a house I think he has been looking at and saw that its been taken off the market. All the anxiety has come back again and if he has rented out a house, I am gutted that he has done this without trying to break NC and also its going to break our childrens hearts. They think he will come back home . AHHHHHH so annoyed. I really can't believe he hasn't even tried even for the sake of his children, he has given up and hasn't even tried for them. For some reason this house renting thing is a really big stage for me to get through. I just cannot believe that he has accepted this situation. He LOVES his children and hardly spends a night away from them. DD asked if i was going to be with them tomorrow . Now panicking that I should have given him a Plan B letter, but still he has made no efforts on his part.

He has by no means accepted the situation, he wants to get back to where he was. Nothing will change until he understands that where he was is never coming back. That realisation will probably not come to him until you have finally let go for ever.

Bullies compensate for their low self esteem by making those they are abusing feel inferior. Hard to change the habit of a lifetime. Don't feel bad about the children, they will be better off with more distance.

Originally Posted by Reasonswhy
He is being very accepting of everything even all the IM requests - not arguing anything at all being totally compliant which is very unlike him.

He is planning the next move. Stay strong


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
Reasonswhy #3012012 01/24/20 04:06 PM
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I want to stay strong, but it hurts.

He told the OW that he was mad about her. He was obviously falling in love with her. When I confronted him he said that things hadn't been right and he was going to tell me that he was going to move out.

He fell out of love with me a long time ago and clearly has been here for the children.

Reasonswhy #3012013 01/24/20 04:45 PM
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sometimes i think it would be better to be back with him than endure this pain. he always seems so strong. i think he accepted a long time ago he was there for the children.


Reasonswhy #3012014 01/24/20 04:51 PM
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I feel like breaking the Plan B - and liaising with him direct and then seeing if we can rebuild something from there. Maybe it is better for him to know that I still do care.


Reasonswhy #3012015 01/24/20 05:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Reasonswhy
I feel like breaking the Plan B - and liaising with him direct and then seeing if we can rebuild something from there. Maybe it is better for him to know that I still do care.
Everyone feels that urge, but it will pass. It you give in, you will get hurt and regret it.

Going back to an abusive situation once makes getting out the next time more difficult.

Think of your relationship as a burning house. Is the fire out? If not, why go back?

Last edited by goody2shoes; 01/24/20 05:18 PM.
Reasonswhy #3012016 01/24/20 05:08 PM
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Are you taking care of the legal side of the separation?

Reasonswhy #3012017 01/24/20 06:45 PM
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Originally Posted by Reasonswhy
I feel like breaking the Plan B - and liaising with him direct and then seeing if we can rebuild something from there. Maybe it is better for him to know that I still do care.

He already knows you care for him. The problem is that he doesn't care. If he cared, he would move mountains to get back. Reaching out to him will only result in some very hurt feelings. Don't put yourself through that.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Reasonswhy #3012018 01/24/20 07:28 PM
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Originally Posted by Reasonswhy
I feel like breaking the Plan B - and liaising with him direct and then seeing if we can rebuild something from there. Maybe it is better for him to know that I still do care.
Agree with the others that he already knows. If you had written a Plan B letter you would have stated this.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Reasonswhy #3012019 01/25/20 12:17 AM
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Maybe this is a good time to write a plan B letter? It will lay out a path to reconciliation so you guys don’t skip any steps.

I can tell you when I was a kid when my Mom left and got us away from her abusive husband and then brought us back it was devastating because we thought the living nightmare was over but we were so wrong.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
Reasonswhy #3012023 01/25/20 07:54 AM
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So received text message this morning from BF to IM confirming the address of his new house he will be living in. It is in the area he talked about moving to before Christmas, near where he has his boat ect...

This is a major milestone for me to get over.

When he came to pick up DD this morning DS came running up the drive Daddy has a new house but it is only temporary.

So sad, but relief that I have crossed this hurdle. I was dreading this news.

Last edited by Reasonswhy; 01/25/20 07:54 AM.
Reasonswhy #3012024 01/26/20 02:36 AM
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I am having to share his repeated attempts to contact me though other avenues. We are on a shared whatsapp group for DS football, i need to stay on it to be kept updated on football matches timings and locations. I have not sent any messages on it since he left. He has been sending loads of repeated messages on it all very jolly and high, yesterday he sent through loads of pictures of him and the children at the football.

Then yesterday on another whatsapp group that BF set up which includes all our family members - he sent out a video of him and DS at the football. I could not believe it. Even with everything going on, he sent a group which includes all our immediate family. Ofcourse I ignored it.

I guess he is saying - I/We are having a great time without you?

This morning, he responded to a message to the gardener (he comes weekly to maintain) saying that they need to have a chat in the week.

What is going on?

Last edited by Reasonswhy; 01/26/20 02:38 AM.
Reasonswhy #3012025 01/26/20 06:15 AM
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You can set up whatsapp in a way that you cannot be added to a group without your permission.

You are in constant contact at this moment.

Write a plan B letter. Change your nr. Make arrangements for exchanging the children that protect you from contact.

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