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Joined: Jan 2020
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Hi24 Offline OP
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How to fill an emotional need as number 1 such as Honesty and Openness when his trust is breached?
His feedback is it will take sometime to trust again and he will ask multiple questions and I need to give him space to do that. My solution that I have been fine with that (in my opinion he has always been that way since we have dated) answering his questions and the cause of him that got him upset I will fix.

We have been dating 4 months. I had learned my emotional needs and communicated them and learned what are his.
In the beginning I have told him I would like to keep finances separate if there would be marriage we would split covering expenses and share an account. It was a piece that I wasn’t open in discussing because I wanted to deal with it on my own it’s from my last relationship. I was in the room which I knew he could possibly hear and I was discussing about the debt situation. I got off the phone and went out o see him. He said when we’re you going to tell me? I told him I planned tonight. His point that when he had asked me a question that I had opportunities to tell him and I have not given him all the information. If he were to think of today to marry his mind isn’t there, we can’t get married he said till it’s done.
He wants to spend time with each other as much as we can. That’s great! It’s an emotional need for me. I am healing from that I have a partner that I upset and he thinks of me as a liar. (It wasn’t my intentions of hiding it, only recently that I said I’m feeling comfortable to talk about finances) His affection reduced and last request from me of his interruption and his tone to be gentle when I am answering, I don’t have a problem of him asking questions. His response was that it’s a two way street.
I have 4 kids and my thought process is that I would like to not talk about anything to do with finances, kids, or marriage or anything in the future. Till I get the finances all straighten out. I would want us to have fun and enjoy each other. I wouldn’t want to have him around the kids either until we know that we are solid and feel safe to avoid them being attached and if he decides I don’t fill his needs.
He fill my needs but there is withdrawal of love units. He is a caring man and priorities are of us. He repeats that he wants to work it out and he wants to be with me. He communicated that he feels I am pulling away from him and he shared his perspective that full custody up ahead he would like to spend time with each other in the evenings.

Am I exaggerating of my solution of where I am?

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Welcome to MB.

I had some trouble picking apart and making sense of what you were saying, and what you are asking. Is the following summary correct?

Originally Posted by Hi24
It was a piece that I wasn’t open in discussing because I wanted to deal with it on my own it’s from my last relationship.

What does "it was a piece" mean? Are you saying that you have a financial debt that stems from your last relationship?

Originally Posted by Hi24
I was in the room which I knew he could possibly hear and I was discussing about the debt situation. I got off the phone and went out o see him. He said when we’re you going to tell me? I told him I planned tonight. His point that when he had asked me a question that I had opportunities to tell him and I have not given him all the information. If he were to think of today to marry his mind isn’t there, we can’t get married he said till it’s done.

Are you saying that you were discussing the debt on the phone with someone else, and your fiancé overheard and became upset that you hadn't told him about this?

Originally Posted by Hi24
I am healing from that I have a partner that I upset and he thinks of me as a liar. (It wasn’t my intentions of hiding it, only recently that I said I’m feeling comfortable to talk about finances) His affection reduced and last request from me of his interruption and his tone to be gentle when I am answering, I don’t have a problem of him asking questions. His response was that it’s a two way street.
I have 4 kids and my thought process is that I would like to not talk about anything to do with finances, kids, or marriage or anything in the future. Till I get the finances all straighten out. I would want us to have fun and enjoy each other. I wouldn’t want to have him around the kids either until we know that we are solid and feel safe to avoid them being attached and if he decides I don’t fill his needs.
He fill my needs but there is withdrawal of love units. He is a caring man and priorities are of us. He repeats that he wants to work it out and he wants to be with me. He communicated that he feels I am pulling away from him and he shared his perspective that full custody up ahead he would like to spend time with each other in the evenings.

This is difficult to understand, but I think you're saying that he has been less affectionate and warm towards you since he found out about the debt. You have asked him to be kinder, and he has said "it's a two-way street". His distrust of you since he found out about the debt is affecting your feelings for him.

Originally Posted by Hi24
Am I exaggerating of my solution of where I am?

I don't understand that last sentence. Could you say it in a different way?

I don't really know what you're asking from us, but it seems to me that this is very hard work for a relationship that is only 4 months old.

How old are you both? Has either of you been married before? How old are your kids? Does he have children? What did you mean about "full custody up ahead"?


BW
Married 1989
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Hi24 Offline OP
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Hi Sugarcane! Thanks for asking to clarify.

What does "it was a piece" mean? Are you saying that you have a financial debt that stems from your last relationship?
“Yes. The financial part (piece) of my life to share to new relationship I wanted to not disclosed finances would be separate. “

Are you saying that you were discussing the debt on the phone with someone else, and your fiancé overheard and became upset that you hadn't told him about this?
“Yes. - not fiancé - he listened into the conversation”

This is difficult to understand, but I think you're saying that he has been less affectionate and warm towards you since he found out about the debt. You have asked him to be kinder, and he has said "it's a two-way street". His distrust of you since he found out about the debt is affecting your feelings for him.
“Correct... he was focus of seeing it as a lie. He wouldn’t take the time to understand my perspective.”

I don't understand that last sentence. Could you say it in a different way?
“With sharing the issue to you all and the background. I would like anyone perspective on my personal thought process of the solution. A. Not to have spend time with the kids such us all of us together. B. Not to talk about serious conversation about the future.

“Full custody will be awarded to me from past relationship. He has a pet, when we would have two weeks with out kids now I’ll have them all the time. When time permits before that happens we want to be together”

“Could you elaborate on this relationship seems hard work? I am intrigued with what you say. I’m use to hard work cause meeting the emotional needs. What would be easy? Honesty and openness as an number 1 emotional need... and it’s trust is breached. This one is a mind boggle... can this need be filled by me again? A. He already has a mantra everyone lies. B. He had hope that he finally met someone that didn’t lie, he has hope that trust will build.
What’s your thoughts?”

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Originally Posted by Hi24
How to fill an emotional need as number 1 such as Honesty and Openness when his trust is breached?

Whose number 1 need are you talking about? If it is his, what makes you say it is his no. 1 need?

When did he communicate to you that this was his no.1 need? Has he read the Marriage Builders materials, and is this what he told you when you went through the EN questionnaire?

Has either of you been married before? How old are you both, and how old are the kids? Does he have any kids?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
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Have you posted here before?


BW
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His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Feb 2020
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In my opinion, you take this very seriously. Just let go of the situation and trust your emotions!

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It is a bad sign if a person trusts nobody!


me, DH
all the children

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