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#3014031 10/12/20 08:06 AM
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Mitzi65 Offline OP
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I discovered my husbands 3 year affair with my sister 8 months ago. We tried counseling and at first he promised me he wouldn't have contact with her. He since continues to text or call her regularly and hired her back to work. He said it was just temporary. My counselor said that's crossing the lines of boundaries that should happen out of respect and love if we want to continue rebuilding our marriage. I have a feeling he's just staying in it to hide because no one knows, except a few close friends of mine. This is so painful, and awkward at the same time. I chose to forgive them both and yet when he hired her back, it was like a slap in the face. He really doesn't think he's in the wrong and when I bring it up he gets really mad. My sister also told me to fly a kite because I asked her why she came back to work for him again when she knows how much I didn't want that. She is married with 2 adult children, and I have 2 adult children, none of whom know. I think if I exposed the affair I would devastate our small family who used to be so close. I ask myself all the time, would it be worth it to trade my sorrow for theirs? All I want him and her to do is STOP having a friendship beyond what has to be maintained as we would still see each other at family functions. He says he loves me, but I take it with a grain of salt. He never stopped saying that to me during the affair, so why should I believe him now? He's not abusive. I know he's convicted, but he's also very proud and said he'd leave if I told anyone. My counselor said let him leave, but again, my kids would be devastated probably more than I was. Maybe I just need the encouragement of others of you out there who are choosing to stick it out and see what God will do with it.

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Hi Mitzi, welcome to Marriage Builders. The reason the affair has continued unabated is due to your enabling. Affairs thrive on secrecy and by helping them hide it, you have helped the affair thrive and grow. Everyone should know about the affair. If your husband will not end all contact [I MEAN ALL - YOUR FAMILY SHOULD NEVER HAVE CONTACT WITH HER AGAIN] immediately, you should pack his bags for him and make him leave.

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I think if I exposed the affair I would devastate our small family who used to be so close.


Your family has been devastated by your husband and your sister's affair not by exposure. Exposure is therapeutic, affairs are devastating. Your children will not appreciate your hiding this from them. Children are not made happy or secure by lies and illusions.

An affair is so emotionally destructive to women that Dr. Harley, a clinical psychologist, recommends a separation if all contact does not end within 3 weeks. You have been putting up with this for months. The reason Dr Harley recommends separation is because women suffer nervous breakdowns, PTSD and psychosomatic illnesses. You are hurting your health by enabling them and HELPING NO ONE.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Mitzi65
My counselor said let him leave, but again, my kids would be devastated probably more than I was. Maybe I just need the encouragement of others of you out there who are choosing to stick it out and see what God will do with it.



Your children will be devastated by his disgraceful behavior and the fact that you helped him hide it. Don't do that to your kids. They are not idiots. They deserve to know the truth about your family.

No caring person would ever tell you to "stick it out." That is very destructive and helps NO ONE. Enabling your husband and your sister helps them be BAD PEOPLE while hurting you and your children at the same time. It is not an act of caring to cover up wrongdoing.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Mitzi65
I discovered my husbands 3 year affair with my sister 8 months ago. We tried counseling and at first he promised me he wouldn't have contact with her. He since continues to text or call her regularly and hired her back to work. He said it was just temporary. My counselor said that's crossing the lines of boundaries that should happen out of respect and love if we want to continue rebuilding our marriage. I have a feeling he's just staying in it to hide because no one knows, except a few close friends of mine. This is so painful, and awkward at the same time. I chose to forgive them both and yet when he hired her back, it was like a slap in the face. He really doesn't think he's in the wrong and when I bring it up he gets really mad. My sister also told me to fly a kite because I asked her why she came back to work for him again when she knows how much I didn't want that. She is married with 2 adult children, and I have 2 adult children, none of whom know. I think if I exposed the affair I would devastate our small family who used to be so close. I ask myself all the time, would it be worth it to trade my sorrow for theirs? All I want him and her to do is STOP having a friendship beyond what has to be maintained as we would still see each other at family functions. He says he loves me, but I take it with a grain of salt. He never stopped saying that to me during the affair, so why should I believe him now? He's not abusive. I know he's convicted, but he's also very proud and said he'd leave if I told anyone. My counselor said let him leave, but again, my kids would be devastated probably more than I was. Maybe I just need the encouragement of others of you out there who are choosing to stick it out and see what God will do with it.


Nobody here who has survived an affair and has a great marriage now "stuck it out." Living with a wayward husband is very destructive to your emotional and physical health. Dr. Harley strongly recommends a thorough, well thought-out exposure, Plan A, followed by Plan B. You have already been through hell and need to expose to get support for yourself. Also, exposure will make the affair much less fun for the waywards. We can help you with the steps.

And it's not correct to say that your husband is not abusive. Having an affair is extremely abusive. Many battered wives have said they would rather be hit than suffer infidelity.

Forgiveness is not appropriate in the case of an affair. That's allowing the relationships to continue as if nothing has happened. Forgiveness serves no one. Just compensation is the recommendation, even requirement, because infidelity is so painful and destructive. Just compensation begins by ending all contact forever and eliminating all means of contact.


Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

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Thanks for your replies. I’ll have to think about that. As our counselor said keep the fallout to a minimum. I know there are many different opinions out there. I don’t know anyone that’s been thru a sibling affair that made it anyway.

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Originally Posted by Mitzi65
Thanks for your replies. I’ll have to think about that. As our counselor said keep the fallout to a minimum. I know there are many different opinions out there. I don’t know anyone that’s been thru a sibling affair that made it anyway.



But the fallout is not being kept to a minimum at all. You are taking the most destructive, damaging road that is likely to lead you to divorce. Eventually, your husband will divorce you and leave you for your sister. Have you pictured that scenario? What you are doing is akin to allowing your spouse to shoot up heroin while you supply his drugs. Affairs thrive and grow on secrecy, so keeping it a secret serves to enable it.

Why would you do this to yourself and all your children?

The advice we are giving you comes from Dr. Bill Harley, a licensed clinical psychologist and the author of Surviving an Affair. Those of us here who are in recovered marriages used these steps to save our marriages.

Mitzi, I would strongly urge you to reach out to Dr. Harley directly at his radio show. He can give you advice on your situation. [it is free] The link with the email address, etc is here: https://www.marriagebuilders.com/marriage-builders-radio.htm


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Mitzi65
I don’t know anyone that’s been thru a sibling affair that made it anyway.


WE DO. We have had 2 or 3 cases over the years. They recovered. But you will not recover if you refuse to do anything. There are no guarantees but you are guaranteed to end up divorced by enabling this affair. Like Dr Harley says "it is hard to save a marriage when you are an enabler."

If you believe your marriage won't make it what is your plan?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Mitzi65
Thanks for your replies. I’ll have to think about that. As our counselor said keep the fallout to a minimum. I know there are many different opinions out there. I don’t know anyone that’s been thru a sibling affair that made it anyway.

Please read this Husband’s affair with my sister


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by Mitzi65
Thanks for your replies. I’ll have to think about that. As our counselor said keep the fallout to a minimum. I know there are many different opinions out there. I don’t know anyone that’s been thru a sibling affair that made it anyway.

Please read this Husband’s affair with my sister


Thanks for posting this, Brainhurts! Mitzi, this lady is in a fully recovered marriage today. Her sister is cut out of her life completely. AS SHE SHOULD BE.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101



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