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#3014071 10/23/20 06:38 AM
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Hi y’all,

So my husband’s having an affair.

He moved out nearly a year ago “to think things through” after had a couple of stupid fights. I know he told some coworkers about it and obviously one listened a bit too attentively and my husband wasted no time and disappeared head first into that affair.

He’s had a complete personality transplant, everything that’s ever been important- me, us, our kids, our lives together, that he was so confident with, his job, friends, hobbies, himself - nothing mattered.
He even said he can’t control it.
I discovered and the affair was exposed in June 2020. I think it started to slow down a bit in August, he started to spend way more time with the kids, hobbies returned, he sometimes resembles himself, he has stopped talking about getting a divorce,) but they’ve been living together since October (signed the lease in Jun at the peak of the craziness).

I only recently read “How to Survive an Affair” and it offered great relief and understanding.
We still have some contact regarding the kids. He’s been quite mean for a while (I never bought it, though), but that crazy anger subsided. There’s less of that blind pushing forward, but instead, guilt. With so little contact it’s difficult to tell if it’s a blissful union or if he’s struggling or even having a depression, I often wonder if that’s the case for him. He is, after all, still in the affair.

My plan is focussing on my and the kids’ well-being until the affair dies. And then see what is possible in terms of reconciling our marriage.

Now with things getting close to a year and also the upcoming holidays I’m struggling a bit and I guess am looking for some encouragement that nearly all affairs DO die within 2 years.

I hope exposure and now living in real life will accelerate its demise. Is that realistic? Are there timelines for that kind of situation?


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Welcome to MB and sorry for what has brought you here.

Who all did you expose to? Is the OW married?

Are you in Plan B? If so, do you have an IM?

How long have you been married? How old are the both of you? How old are your children?

How did he meet OW?


FWW/BW (me)
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Maybe to clarify, he’s never asked for getting a divorce, but he wanted to discuss the separation process. Where we live we have to live legally separated for 1-3 years until we can file for divorce.
I told him I’d be happy to learn from past mistakes and rebuild our marriage even stronger once he’s willing to drop the mistress. Thus I’m not taking legal actions.

He hasn’t either- yet. He brought it up twice again, last time in August, and I just reminded him of my answer.

Everyone knows- workplace, family, friends. I’m surprised that a lot of people think it’s normal. Happens all the time. I should just divorce him. That’s why I don’t talk a lot with people, I am not wasting my energies here.

OW is his 20 years younger secretary, not married, no kids.

As I read the book just a month ago we’re not really in Plan B, there’s still some contact- I don’t know if I should go no contact now.
I did pretty much of plan A and also told him basically the content of the plan B letter. I’ve backed off, let the affair run its course. I saw a coach to handle my emotions, I’m just being myself. Not buying his fantasy, not freaking out, not playing games. He’s so much of a stranger anyway, I’m doing fine for the time being- though I wish it’d be ending sooner rather than later.

We’ve been married for 18 years, kids 15 and 12, I’m 40 and he’s 45.

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Sorry I can’t figure out what an IM is.

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Originally Posted by YForYellow
Maybe to clarify, he’s never asked for getting a divorce, but he wanted to discuss the separation process. Where we live we have to live legally separated for 1-3 years until we can file for divorce.
I told him I’d be happy to learn from past mistakes and rebuild our marriage even stronger once he’s willing to drop the mistress. Thus I’m not taking legal actions.

He hasn’t either- yet. He brought it up twice again, last time in August, and I just reminded him of my answer.

Everyone knows- workplace, family, friends. I’m surprised that a lot of people think it’s normal. Happens all the time. I should just divorce him. That’s why I don’t talk a lot with people, I am not wasting my energies here.

OW is his 20 years younger secretary, not married, no kids.

As I read the book just a month ago we’re not really in Plan B, there’s still some contact- I don’t know if I should go no contact now.
I did pretty much of plan A and also told him basically the content of the plan B letter. I’ve backed off, let the affair run its course. I saw a coach to handle my emotions, I’m just being myself. Not buying his fantasy, not freaking out, not playing games. He’s so much of a stranger anyway, I’m doing fine for the time being- though I wish it’d be ending sooner rather than later.

We’ve been married for 18 years, kids 15 and 12, I’m 40 and he’s 45.

An IM is intermediary which you will need when you go to Plan B.

So did you do the exposure like Dr. Harley talks about in Surviving an Affair? If so, what did you say? Who on OW's side have you exposed to?

Have you told your children?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Please read Exposure 101


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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Also please read Exposing to Children


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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by YForYellow
...they’ve been living together since October (signed the lease in Jun at the peak of the craziness).
Welcome to MB. I'm really sorry to hear about these events.

I don't have time to post much now, but as they are now living together, you should be in Plan B. You should not have any direct contact with him.

Don't concern yourself about whether the affair will die within two years. There is a good chance that it will, but it might be one of the few that does not. Instead, focus on the protection that Plan B offers.

If Brainy is still online, she will help you with Plan B. She is an MB expert.


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Yes, as SugarCane said you should be in Plan B. Please read How to Plan B Correctly


FWW/BW (me)
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2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Yes our kids do know.

This was in June. My goal was to kill the secrecy, knowing it would only fuel the adrenaline excitement. I told our families, friends, his workplace people.
I told them they were having an affair and I wanted our marriage. Which most people instantly scolded me for. A few friends cut contact with him.

No one on OW’s side, I wouldn’t know how to contact anyone, I don’t know OW’s family, no FB friends, a surname like Smith.

They’re already living together.

Last edited by YForYellow; 10/23/20 09:16 AM.
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Yes, I read and understand Plan B.


Whether it should or shouldn’t 🌻 the timeline is what really bothers me, the experiences you have here.
Nearly all die within 2 years- I’d guess living in real life would speed things up compared to affairs where they spend less time and don’t have responsibilities and a daily life together.

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Originally Posted by YForYellow
Hi y’all,

So my husband’s having an affair.

He moved out nearly a year ago “to think things through” after had a couple of stupid fights. I know he told some coworkers about it and obviously one listened a bit too attentively and my husband wasted no time and disappeared head first into that affair.
Wait...what?

Nonononono.

You do realise that the affair had already begun before he moved out, and that's what made it attractive for him to move out, don't you?

His co-worker did not listen attentively and decide to snare him. She had already snared him! This affair was quite deeply entrenched if he was prepared to leave his wife and kids for her. Most married men want both the affair and the marriage; they do not leave their families for a piece of trash - but he did. You need to see that.



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Originally Posted by YForYellow
.
Whether it should or shouldn’t 🌻 the timeline is what really bothers me, the experiences you have here.
Nearly all die within 2 years- I’d guess living in real life would speed things up compared to affairs where they spend less time and don’t have responsibilities and a daily life together.

Add: and him spending at least most of the weekends with the kids, that’d really suck if I were OW.

I’m reading the link on plan B- id really love to hear a little about the process why “they all will say they want to come back”.
That seems just such a complete turnaround I wonder if it’s really possible.
Basically we’re Sue and Jon, and he’s so willingly and crazily quick given up all his life!

My greatest concern with PlanB is that it will fall back on the kids. Husband’s already calling them when he’s lonely, and I wouldn’t want them to be messengers or negotiate schedules or be his emotional support.

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Originally Posted by SugarCane
Originally Posted by YForYellow
Hi y’all,

So my husband’s having an affair.

He moved out nearly a year ago “to think things through” after had a couple of stupid fights. I know he told some coworkers about it and obviously one listened a bit too attentively and my husband wasted no time and disappeared head first into that affair.
Wait...what?

Nonononono.

You do realise that the affair had already begun before he moved out, and that's what made it attractive for him to move out, don't you?

His co-worker did not listen attentively and decide to snare him. She had already snared him! This affair was quite deeply entrenched if he was prepared to leave his wife and kids for her. Most married men want both the affair and the marriage; they do not leave their families for a piece of trash - but he did. You need to see that.

I don’t know if that matters.
The OW happened to meet a need when it wasn’t met in the marriage.
She had started working there just a couple of months earlier, so even if it started earlier, what does it change?
He left for a piece of trash and a fantasy life, I do know.

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Originally Posted by YForYellow
I don’t know if that matters.
The OW happened to meet a need when it wasn’t met in the marriage.
She had started working there just a couple of months earlier, so even if it started earlier, what does it change?
He left for a piece of trash and a fantasy life, I do know.
He's been having both the affair and his marriage while you maintain contact with him. He is getting some of his key needs met by her and some by you.

Does he visit the children at your house? This needs to stop. In future he needs to collect the children and have them at his place.

Plan B is the only thing likely to speed up the demise of the affair now that it is so established. As long as you meet his need for family commitment by showing him that he can come and go while his kids are well cared for by you, the kids can be off his conscience and he can get on with the affair when he goes back to his place. You need to fix the kids in his conscience by removing your support for him when he visits.


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Originally Posted by SugarCane
He's been having both the affair and his marriage while you maintain contact with him. He is getting some of his key needs met by her and some by you.

Does he visit the children at your house? This needs to stop. In future he needs to collect the children and have them at his place.

Plan B is the only thing likely to speed up the demise of the affair now that it is so established. As long as you meet his need for family commitment by showing him that he can come and go while his kids are well cared for by you, the kids can be off his conscience and he can get on with the affair when he goes back to his place. You need to fix the kids in his conscience by removing your support for him when he visits.

Are you sounding a bit strict?

Well established affairs still die a natural death?
I think it was in the book too, having to face reality helps the affair to die, and what more reality could there be?

I really didn’t have much of a say- when I learned about the affair they had just signed that lease. That was the peak of that crazy anger, all that blame (for everything, and for OW being jealous), the “we’ve never been happy”, when he was trying to make me give up.

I understood the principles of emotional needs being met and agree that I mustn’t meet them as long as he’s involved with someone else.
Initially I did my best to fix the issue in our marriage, to meet his needs- it’s never been my intention to not meet his needs.
But I’ve backed off since they moved in, or a little earlier. As I said, I hope it will crash just as quickly as it built up, and I better take care of myself until then.

I’m not reacting emotionally, angrily, beg, discuss, cajole, tend his wounds, play games, whatever. I haven’t gone NC yet, but we have very little contact. So it’s very hard for me to tell what’s going on.

So, sometimes at least, it’s easy to picture their blissful union and feel rather hopeless, instead of believing he’s having any kind of depression and misery and it will change any time soon. Because if he did, he could drop her.
That’s why I’m here!! To learn about how affairs usually die.

He never sees the kids at our place?! He doesn’t have free access either.
He’s taking them out for dinner, the movies etc, or at the weekends is taking them to his place. Which I don’t really like. He’s taking his share in buying them clothes and have their hair cut and driving them to birthday parties. They are teenagers, they don’t need me to make arrangements with him.

The first months after he left he saw them quite often. After two months just like Sunday afternoon, sometimes not even that, they didn’t hear from him in a week.
For me that was the craziest part, he’s always been really involved in their lives, I guess that was when the affair really took off.

5 months later complete turn around, he missed them picked them up Friday, Saturday, Sunday, plus one night per week. Without OW.
That was when the anger stopped, too.
He’s still trying to see them as much as possible, though they want to see their friends and do their stuff too, so not as often as he’d like to. But he texts and calls them.
I don’t see him when he picks them up. Though I happen to see him through the window when he dropped them so I know he lost a lot of weight, and he’s been slim anyway.
Yes, our kids are cared for by me.

Last edited by YForYellow; 10/23/20 12:56 PM.
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Originally Posted by YForYellow
Are you sounding a bit strict?
Excuse me?

If my tone offends you I'll stay away.


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No, I’m sorry, maybe I’m a bit sensitive. Didn’t mean to offend you.

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Have your kids said anything to their father about his affair? Has anyone said anything to him?

Can you figure out a way to find the OW’s parents to expose to?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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From what I can tell most people seem to find it normal. Maybe it’s my perception.
It’s really odd, he always wanted me to know his coworkers, just a little over a year ago they would tell me he’d be talking a lot about me and us and was really proud of his family and just a few months later it’s normal to break up.
The kids sometimes are mad at him, but they miss him too and don’t want to lose him.
I should think her family know by now, but no I wouldn’t know how to find them.

Guess that’s why I’m focusing on the timeline so much. I don’t think I can do much until he’s out of it. So that’s my hope.
I’m hoping for that protective bubble to break and the passion and fantasy to fade. And I’m hoping the longest part is the secrecy and craziness and fantasy.

Thanks for helping me.

Last edited by YForYellow; 10/23/20 10:13 PM.
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