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#3014145 11/05/20 12:27 PM
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Quick back story on me, I have been married 3 times. The first two ended by affair (hers) and the third ended due to emotional and later physical abuse (her, I had to get a protective order against her). Two years after my last relationship I am with a woman who I have known for 20+ years, and had really good intimate conversations with for a year. Great connection and lots of common ground. She has been married before. Was in an abusive and controlling marriage. It ended because she had an affair and left him. She actually had 3 affairs during her 28+ year marriage. The last guy was supposed to leave his wife, but kept her hanging on for 5 years and never did. Eventually, his wife found out and they are now separated. This guy is a serial cheater and liar. While she and this guy were together, she began talking with me. Nothing happened, just talking, and a few friendly meetups for conversation. She broke it off, and three months later, we started dating. We have been dating for about two months. She accepts her mistakes and seems to be making attempts to protect her future relationships and ours. I do see improvement. Both the ex-husband and ex-lover are pursuing her. I am having jealousy and insecurity issues (I think because of my past and hers). Sometimes ridiculous stuff like jealous of her celebrity crushes, her Facebook photo likes, etc. A few weeks ago the ex-lover began talking himself up to her again, and she has been taking the phone calls (this was hidden from me until last night). She says they are argumentative in nature and maybe two a week at most. I am hurt, disappointed, and concerned as to why she is even taking the calls. She says the jealousy scares her, but realizes she shouldn't be talking with him. To make matters worse, a friend of hers (with lots of bad relationship choices herself) is talking the guy up and attempting to control what my girlfriend does. If we continue to be together, she will likely lose this friend. I don't want to be the cause of that. She realizes that if we continue, she can have no more contact with the ex-lover. I don't want to be jealous and insecure either. I also don't want a repeat of an affair. If she can't protect the relationship, what is the point of fighting for it? Should I just cut bait and run? Am I pushing her away with my questions/insecurities? Just not sure what to do. We do love each other, but I'm not sure this is the right girl for me. I had such high hopes. She is so good in so many other ways. Advice, please?


M: 3 times in the past. 2 ended because of her having affairs, last ended because of her verbal and physical abuse. Last marriage ended in 2018.
K:1 son (Adult and out of home) and 1 daughter (in-home 50/50)


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Welcome to MB.

Dr. Harley says dating is an interview for marriage. Your GF is a serial cheater and she’s talking to her ex-husband and her affair partner. If a friend of yours was in the same situation, what would you tell them?


FWW/BW (me)
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Have you read of anything by Dr. Harley?

Read Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Dr. Harley says dating is an interview for marriage. Your GF is a serial cheater and she’s talking to her ex-husband and her affair partner. If a friend of yours was in the same situation, what would you tell them?

Brainy is right, DavyJones. No rational person would consider a relationship with someone with such poor character. I'm at a loss to understand why someone who has knowledge of Marriage Builders would have anything to do with this situation. How can it possibly work out well?

With 3 failed marriages behind you already, haven't you have enough of bad relationships?

Run away, and don't look back.


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It does sound pretty stupid when I go back and read what I wrote. It’s just hard, I love her and wish she didn’t have this issue. She is so wonderful in so many other ways. I think my insecurities and need for reassurance had pushed her to this. I think it may have shown up later anyway. Maybe it’s best to see what’s going on now.


M: 3 times in the past. 2 ended because of her having affairs, last ended because of her verbal and physical abuse. Last marriage ended in 2018.
K:1 son (Adult and out of home) and 1 daughter (in-home 50/50)


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Originally Posted by DavyJones
It does sound pretty stupid when I go back and read what I wrote. It’s just hard, I love her and wish she didn’t have this issue. She is so wonderful in so many other ways. I think my insecurities and need for reassurance had pushed her to this. I think it may have shown up later anyway. Maybe it’s best to see what’s going on now.

Pushed her to what? To having 3 affairs during her marriage?

How could you ever have considered being with such a person after experiencing affairs as the betrayed yourself?


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SugarCane,

I guess pushed her into being fearful of being controlled. She was very controlled in her marriage and doesn’t ever want to be again. I think the questions may have driven her to be fearful that I would control her as well. That of course is the furthest thing from my mind. I knew the ex-husband was still perusing her as well as the ex-affair partner. But I never told her what to do about it. She even had a friend who was talking the ex-affair partner up. I told her how I felt about it but i never told her she should give her friend up.

We did have a boundary set to where we were not going to talk to OS friends about our relationship. She says she didn’t, but she has been taking calls from the ex-affair partner and listening to him talk himself up. I feel she broke out boundaries.

To answer the next question. I guess I figured that when she did have her affairs her marriage was so terrible that she should have left anyway. As long as it never got that bad, she could stay faithful. Pretty dumb I guess.


M: 3 times in the past. 2 ended because of her having affairs, last ended because of her verbal and physical abuse. Last marriage ended in 2018.
K:1 son (Adult and out of home) and 1 daughter (in-home 50/50)


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Have you read of anything by Dr. Harley?


Yes! After being betrayed by my ex I read Surviving an Affair. I have also read His Needs, Her Needs. I have read a lot of the concepts and letters on the website too.


M: 3 times in the past. 2 ended because of her having affairs, last ended because of her verbal and physical abuse. Last marriage ended in 2018.
K:1 son (Adult and out of home) and 1 daughter (in-home 50/50)


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Originally Posted by DavyJones
SugarCane,

I guess pushed her into being fearful of being controlled. She was very controlled in her marriage...

Not controlled enough if she was able to have 3 affairs!

There is no need for you to keep iterating the rest of what you say about being pursued by her XH and XAP, or that stuff about her single friend, or anything else at all about her. You should have seen her as a mess and a disaster as soon as you found out about her affairs and you should never have got any further involved.


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Originally Posted by DavyJones
To answer the next question. I guess I figured that when she did have her affairs her marriage was so terrible that she should have left anyway. As long as it never got that bad, she could stay faithful. Pretty dumb I guess.

I don't understand what you mean here. Are you saying you found a way to justify her affairs?


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I spent a long time talking with her before the relationship started. We were really good friends and had lots of intimate conversations. She showed genuine remorse for her affairs and I guess that’s why I felt like we would be ok to start a relationship. But once we had a few disagreements within the same week, she started talking with her XAP. This shows me that her habits have returned. We are both supposed to be thinking about continuing the relationship or not. I’m trying to forgive but she has yet to make a decision and I’m afraid she won’t be able to stick to what she says.


M: 3 times in the past. 2 ended because of her having affairs, last ended because of her verbal and physical abuse. Last marriage ended in 2018.
K:1 son (Adult and out of home) and 1 daughter (in-home 50/50)


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So you'd be willing to continue the relationship despite what we've pointed out here?


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Well, I was looking for input and trying to see if I was off base for ending the relationship and to see if there may be a chance for us later down the road? Could she redeem herself or is there even any purpose to think that way?


M: 3 times in the past. 2 ended because of her having affairs, last ended because of her verbal and physical abuse. Last marriage ended in 2018.
K:1 son (Adult and out of home) and 1 daughter (in-home 50/50)


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Originally Posted by SugarCane
So you'd be willing to continue the relationship despite what we've pointed out here?


I ended the relationship this past Saturday. She blamed my insecurities and jealousy as the reason she was fearful and withdrawing from me. She told me that her XAP had been over to her apartment helping her move just 15 hours after I was there and she was professing her love for me. Telling me that she loves me more than she realized, and didn't want to lose me. She initially lied about it, but then came clean. Maybe I did push her to leave, but she could have handled it a different way. I just can't believe I got caught up in this mess. Feeling hurt, angry, lonely, and mostly stupid.


M: 3 times in the past. 2 ended because of her having affairs, last ended because of her verbal and physical abuse. Last marriage ended in 2018.
K:1 son (Adult and out of home) and 1 daughter (in-home 50/50)


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All this time she was friends with the affair partner whose wife left him when she found out about the affair. Their affair lasted 5 years (I think you said). If they had really broken up she would have had nothing to do with him. She has a powerful attraction to him, as you now see.

She doesn't seem like someone that would ever be faithful to anybody, DavyJones. She would never have been faithful to you. I don't suppose you can really know the truth about her controlling husband, but staying married to him for 28 years while having affairs was not the way to deal with the issues.

You should cut off all contact with her. Block her from being able to reach you by phone or social media. It sounds to me as if she could easily draw you back in, and she would hurt you again.


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Originally Posted by SugarCane
All this time she was friends with the affair partner whose wife left him when she found out about the affair. Their affair lasted 5 years (I think you said). If they had really broken up she would have had nothing to do with him. She has a powerful attraction to him, as you now see.

She doesn't seem like someone that would ever be faithful to anybody, DavyJones. She would never have been faithful to you. I don't suppose you can really know the truth about her controlling husband, but staying married to him for 28 years while having affairs was not the way to deal with the issues.

You should cut off all contact with her. Block her from being able to reach you by phone or social media. It sounds to me as if she could easily draw you back in, and she would hurt you again.

I totally agree with SugarCane.

I know it hurts right now, but it is so much better to find out before investing more time and possible marriage.

Did you read the Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders? When you do get back out to the dating world, really look into Dr. Harley's "30 dates challenge".


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I am disconnecting from her as much as possible. She is still contacting me some, but I am getting that under control. It seems like she wants to play like she can’t decide what she wants, in an effort to keep me hanging on. I’m not going for that.

I am about 2/3 of the way through Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders. It is very insightful. I took the test, looks like I’m a Buyer and I’m pretty sure she’s a Freeloader. So there you go.


M: 3 times in the past. 2 ended because of her having affairs, last ended because of her verbal and physical abuse. Last marriage ended in 2018.
K:1 son (Adult and out of home) and 1 daughter (in-home 50/50)


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Run for your life, Davy! You missed the bullet with this one. She is a playah would bring heartache and chaos to your life. There are lots of great women out there that you can fall in love with who are not serial cheaters. This woman has no respect for marriage. Run!

And of course you should be "insecure" about your relationship. She offers NO SECURITY. She is a playah. Your instincts are right about her and are trying to tell you something.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thank you all so much for the support and the suggestions. I have now broken all contact with her and am actually starting to feel better. She was trying to keep talking and meeting up with me but I have blocked her out of social media completely. She does work in the same company as me, but we are in different locations. I am making steps to reduce our chance meetings. I now know that I need to stay as far away from her as possible.

Thanks again for the help, you all have no idea how much strength and insight it has given me. I have read all of your replies so many times. Each time it brings me more and more peace. Thanks again for taking the time out of your day to reply to me! I wish you all the best.


M: 3 times in the past. 2 ended because of her having affairs, last ended because of her verbal and physical abuse. Last marriage ended in 2018.
K:1 son (Adult and out of home) and 1 daughter (in-home 50/50)



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