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Joined: Apr 2012
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While you are doing all of these things being suggested to you to try and put pressure on the affair, I want to also address your attitude towards the affair. It sounds to me like you are waiting in the wings for the affair to crumble, which is why you have not gone into a dark Plan B at this point. I would caution you against this. It is likely that at some point this affair will crumble and the more you help that along the better for everyone involved, most importantly your kids. But it is also possible that the affair does NOT crumble, and your husband and his OW live a long life together. I would start preparing yourself mentally and physically for that. For instance, if you have to be officially separated 1-3 years prior to divorce, then I would suggest you make sure you are officially separated. It doesn’t sound like you have made this official yet. YOU may get to the point where you are done with this and want to move on, and I would hate for you to not have had this in motion already. Also, make sure you are protecting yourself financially. It is very common for wayward spouses in an affair fog to blow through your entire savings. He is already footing the bill for his OW’s lifestyle as they live together. Do what you need to do legally to protect yourself financially. Also, start thinking about what you want to do with your own life, if that is return to school, change a career, start dance lessons, whatever. Self care is a very important part of Plan B and a way for you to focus on your own future that does not involve him, because it may not.

I’m sorry you are going through this. I would highly recommend looking more diligently at social media, if the OW is in her 20’s it would be very unusual for her to not have social media accounts. It is also an age where parental support and approval is important so finding her parents and exposing to them is key.

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I’ve gone into plan B. I also found a sister of OW. My contact person tells me they had nasty reaction.

Self care and taking care of my life is what kept me going so far, and I had even pretty good times.

I love my husband but I’m not dependent financially, I have a career and friends and things I enjoy.

Anyway, I’m not feeling too much hope right now.
I know it’s probably in my head. But I’m struggling with maybe the man I loved is just gone and this is going on forever.

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Originally Posted by YForYellow
I’ve gone into plan B. I also found a sister of OW. My contact person tells me they had nasty reaction.

Self care and taking care of my life is what kept me going so far, and I had even pretty good times.

I love my husband but I’m not dependent financially, I have a career and friends and things I enjoy.

Anyway, I’m not feeling too much hope right now.
I know it’s probably in my head. But I’m struggling with maybe the man I loved is just gone and this is going on forever.

Did you expose to OW's sister? Did you ask her for her parent's contact information?

Do you have an IM? Did you write him a Plan B letter?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I did expose to OWs family, her parents want nothing to do with my husband at all. I have an IM who’s managing contact, who told me. Otherwise I have no idea what is going on.

So. It still is painful. I’m kind of hibernating.
I don’t know what effect there was on the affair, but my husband has been seeing the kids daily since, and the OW spent the weekend away at her sister‘s. My kids told me, I don’t know any details.

Still I’m struggling with hope. He seems so far away.

I don’t have much support here, as people tend to tell me I’m being stupid to even hope for reconciliation.
So I don’t discuss it.
Are there any reasons why affairs fail?

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Yello, did you expose directly to the OW's family? Did you speak to her sister and her parents? I am confused about your exposure.

Did you also expose to the workplace as we suggested?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Have you written him a plan B letter? And how do you evade any contact with him?


me, DH
all the children
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My contact person told me they’re fighting, OW is pushing him to file.

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Originally Posted by YForYellow
My contact person told me they’re fighting, OW is pushing him to file.

I asked him to not tell me those details.

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Can you try to find all relatives, friends, high school and college mates, previous job workmates of OW, and anyone in her circle you find? Also relatives of her parents which includes aunts and uncles and their grown up children aka cousins, etc. Expose far and wide.

Exposing OW to all these people will make it hard to hold a wedding and invite all these people, hard to marry your husband and hard to have children while all people know. She will have to think twice.

What country and/or city are you in? The answer to this may get some people here to tell you different ways you can navigate finding her relatives and friends and even how to be strategic in anything you do moving forward and resources in that country.


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I have always found Melodylane's signature to be inspiring and make me not be afraid on doing the right thing and tell the truth no matter whatcotgers say.

.... "It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101
.....

Can your contact and IM who helped you find OW's sister help you find more of OW's relatives and friends?

Ask the veterans here if you should expose to some of the sister's relatives and friends too.

Is OW on LinkedIn? If yes, take all her LinkedIn contact names, then find them on Facebook/Messenger and Instagram, and fire your exposure letter. If you cannot see her contact names make a fake LinkedIn profile with an attractive title or titles, connect with people at work place and previous workplaces. When you have about 10 send her a connect request and add a nice and sweet note commending gercwirk experience and on why you want to connect. Once she connects you will have access to all her LinkedIn contacts.

One thing I have here is that for those that have been able to expose by posting on OW, OM's FB profiles have successful busted thr affair. I know OW does not have FB but posting on Linkedin usinh both your LinkedIn and the fake LinkedIn could really shatter this affair to pieces. You have nothing to lose here anymore.

If you use your LinkedIn to post then use the fake one to share and write a few words for it to be seen by many people.


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Thanks weirdsituation. The exposure is done.

They can’t marry, as even if he files which he hasn’t done yet, it will still be 3 years till a divorce would be finalised. Nearly all affairs die, and quicker then that.

They’re already fighting. She wants him to get divorced no matter what, he hasn’t even filed for legal separation (yet?) he doesn’t want to have me served. They are having financial issues. That’s what my contact person told me.

Anyway.


Last edited by YForYellow; 11/19/20 02:13 PM.
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