So much backstory but I’ll get right to it. Wife and I will be married 13 years this Dec. she is 43, I am 39. We have a 12 year old daughter and 8 year old son together. We were doing fine up until 2015. I started talking to my co workers daughter and was hanging out with him and his kids a little to much to the point where I was just hanging out with her. Nothing but a friendship, that I never told my wife about. She found out, and I told her the truth, but she insisted it was something more. I told my wife and my co workers daughter that I can not and was not talking to her anymore. My wife forgave me. 2 years go by, and due to the struggle to communicate with my wife about how condescending she is, and my co workers daughter starting to talk to me again, I started an EA with her and was hanging out with her for a while, until my wife caught on and found out. I lied about stuff to not hurt her because I didn’t know what was going through my head, only that I did want my wife and I didn’t want to break up my family by my actions. We told the kids we were getting a divorce(something that I didn’t want), and she threw me out of our house. I was out for a week, when my wife wanted me back and we reconciled. I dropped all communication with my co worker and his daughter. I looked into counseling 1 or 2 times but It wasn’t for me. So I thought we could get by without it. As time went by, my wife would be triggered by certain things and instead of me giving her reassurance and helping her go through the emotions, I would get frustrated and want her to stop bringing it up. I know there were days when she would call me from work and I know she was just checking on me because she was nervous about the past. Mind you that we don’t argue really, and we were going to church, dates, plus taking care of 2 kids. I thought we were doing fine until last Nov., when she came at me wanting a divorce. I was shocked, broken, depressed. She was cold and removed. I begged and cried and she was not having it. She manipulated me into telling the kids together, again, that we were getting a divorce. I started going to counseling on my own, I pursued her, I slept on the couch for a month and a half until she came at me deciding to work on our marriage together. We went into counseling and got to the root of my past issues, and we were doing pretty good. I was giving her all the love and reassurance she was looking for. Then Covid hit. We tried zoom counseling 1 or 2 times but my wife was stressing with the kids not having a babysitter and they would keep running in and out of the house. So we put that on hold for a little while, we went on a family vacation this August. A little over 7 weeks ago she told me (due to some anger issues I recently have had) which I have always had anger issues, and was going to AM last Spring for, she said this wasn’t gonna work and she wants a divorce. She texted me apartments that were for rent near by, and I told her to STOP, and that I’m not going anywhere. Last time I was broken, but I have more confidence this time. I told her until she gives me the papers, it’s just a threat. She said that I had changed before, but I’m back to my old self again. I told her if she wants a divorce that she can pursue it, I will have no part of it. I said if you want to tell the kids go ahead, I’m not. I will continue to work on my change and see my counselor regularly which I have been doing. We still sleep in the same bed and have dinner as a family every night. I have apologized for my past anger issues, and have asked for forgiveness. Now I am just basically standing my ground lovingly while giving her space and time. She has just been emotionally removed. We haven’t been intimate in almost 2 months. How do you deal with a wife that is emotionally shut down? And when she wanted me gone 7 weeks ago, how is she still able to sleep in the same bed as me? You would think she could sleep on the couch or go to her moms if she’s was that miserable. We don’t communicate other than what the kids schedules are and regular greetings of the day. How do you break down emotional walls? Is just being here, and being consistent and changing my attitude showing reassurance? Sooo confused. It’s hard to take her divorce threats seriously when’s she’s reconciled the last 2 times. Is it just a waiting game?

Welcome to MB.

Have you stopped all angry outbursts?

Please read Anger Management 101

And please read What to do with an Angry Husband

Yes, I haven’t had any anger issues since this all came about 7/8 weeks ago. I was mostly taking it out on my kids because they drive each other nuts and when I can’t control the situation, I got frustrated. I don’t react the same anymore, I can only change myself and how to handle the situation, and be a model for them on how to handle their frustration and acting out. It was never physical.

Welcome to MarriageBuilders.

Let's go back to the beginning of your background story. How old was your co-worker's daughter? How long did the affair last? It sounds like you and your wife never really recovered your marriage after your affair. It doesn't make a difference whether the affair was emotional or physical, because they are both painful for the betrayed spouse. Dr. Harley has a checklist for how to recover from an affair. Recovery is a very narrow path.

One of the important components of recovery after an affair is to create a romantic, passionate, safe marriage in which you eliminate your love busters and start meeting each others emotional needs. Also, once your wife has all the details of your affair, the affair should never be brought up again. You apparently are having a hard time controlling your anger. There is simply no place for anger in marriage. Anger will destroy your relationship.


Please take a look at the checklist and let us know where you are. If your wife would like to post to us, please invite her to start her own thread.

We were going to counseling last winter/spring to get all of that out about the AE. So there’s nothing else to get out. The girl was 19 when I started talking to her. She had just had a kid and basically I was someone she could look up to, even though I was older than her. Then I stopped talking to her for 2 years. Then we started talking again and hanging out. After my wife found that out, threw me out, then reconciled a week later, I have not had any contact with anyone from that situation. That was over 3 years ago. I have been going to AM every other week for the past 2 months.

Have you been meeting each others emotional needs? There is a free questionnaire on this website. Even before working on meeting emotional needs, though, is the necessity of completely eliminating anger from your marriage. It's good you are attending Anger Management. Would you say that it's working? Are you able to calm yourself down, control your frustrations? This website has a lot of information about anger and Dr. Harley often discusses this love buster on his radio show.

The thing is that as long as you are angry with your spouse, your marriage will never completely recover. The marriage after an affair has to be better than before. Granted, if your wife is bringing up your affair, that can be frustrating. Still, though, you will need to learn to eliminate your anger completely in order for your marriage to become what it should be. Dr. Harley's advice to your wife would be to separate from you until your anger is completely under control. If she stays with you and you continue to be angry with her, for any reason, it will make her extremely resentful and she will lose her love for you.

I have eliminated my anger. AM is helping and I’m basically trying to help my son control is anger when he gets frustrated. I am trying to model the proper way, so he can pick up on that.

How can I meet someone’s emotional needs when they are completely withdrawn.

Do you know what caused her to become withdrawn toward you? Earlier you told us that she said for a while you had changed but that now you were back to your old self. Had you been raising your voice at her or at your children? Blowing up at all? It sounds like anger has been a part of your marriage for a long while. She may deeply resent your emotional affair and the anger you have displayed throughout your marriage. If she doesn't feel your marriage is improving, she may have given up hope.

Is it possible she is having an affair? Check out her phone and computer usage quietly. Don't ask her; just quietly snoop.

You can be very pleasant, great company, take care of the children (meeting her need for family commitment.) Try to be with her when she's having a great time. Are there any recreational activities you both enjoy together? You can be affectionate by simply opening her door, that kind of thing. If she'll let you, give her a hug, touch her shoulder. Make sure all of your conversations with her are enjoyable. Make sure you eliminate all your love busters! No annoying habits, anger, disrespectful judgments. Especially no anger, no raising your voice at her, the kids, anybody. Show her that you are a calm enjoyable person.

She basically has become withdrawn because she wants a divorce and I want to save it. She told me she is done but she said that before. I told her to pursue a divorce if that’s what she’s wanting. She has done nothing about it. I don’t raise my voice to her, like I said, we rarely argue. My frustration was let out on my kids when they wouldn’t listen and I couldn’t change the situation. I’ve dropped all that. I have not had any anger or outbursts of frustration in almost 8 weeks. The anger has been an issue for most of my life. I really doubt she is having an affair. This is something she would rather hold over me to due to her Christian upbringing. I am pleasant to be around with, I do everything I can out of love, everyday to make her day easier. I take care of the children 90% of the time. I don’t even want to try and touch her. There are recreational activities that we do together but like I said, we haven’t done anything like that in 7 plus weeks. I feel like things may be improving, by her engaging more in talking, and not being so mad/angry at me, but I could be reaching.

Dr. Harley advised betrayed spouses that he completely supports divorce if this is the route he/she chooses. From the betrayed spouse's point of view, the options are really terrible. If she divorces you, not knowing anything particular about your situation, then she is likely to suffer financially. Generally speaking, many divorced woman who are caring for their children often face a financially challenging future. Also, having to juggle child visitation is often very challenging. She may well feel very conflicted about staying with you versus divorcing you. Either choice is very difficult. Recovery from an affair to a really great marriage takes a couple of years if everyone is doing what they are supposed to be doing.


Okay, this is good. Keep it up. No anger toward your children, her, or anyone else.


You think she wants to hold your affair over you because she is a Christian? This is a disrespectful judgment on your part. I hope you don't say things like this to her. I'm sure she would rather not have been betrayed. It's extremely painful and the feelings of resentment are very difficult to overcome, whether one is a Christian or not.

It's good that your conversations with her are improving. Keep it up. Talk with her about her favorite topics. This website has some great articles about conversation. See if you can take her out to do something fun. If you can figure out ways to be with her when she's having a great time, she will start to associate you with pleasant times.

I would never say that to her about holding it over my head because she is a Christian. I just feel like she would. I feel like she would be the one to not do anything to break marriage vows, even though she probably feels every right to do so.