Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 286
W
wle2 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 286
Hi I’m looking for some advice on how to handle an issue with my new wife and her jealousy over my late wife. We are both 59 years old We have been married a little over one year.
She had been divorced for 22 years and I was married to my late wife for 35 years .I have two married daughters and five grandchildren. I now have another bonus daughter who is married and a bonus son who is not living with us.

After my late wife passed I sold our house , gave away all of our furniture to start over. I bought a house and all new furniture in a new town. After I stared to date my new wife I took down all the pictures of my late wife. Packed all of her personal things into a trunk.
My new wife and I have known each other since first grade . We graduated high school together. We were friends but never dated and hadn’t seen each other in over twenty years. We reconnected over FB and stared dating. We were already friends so we started dating. It was great and we decided after dating for a few months to get married.
The problem:
Over all I had a good marriage and after using MB and recovering it became a great marriage. My new wife had a terrible marriage. He was a serial cheater.
If I ever say anything positive about my late wife or mention her in a FB post my new wife gets made at me.
I know the simple answer, never speak of my late wife again and never mention her in any post. But I have kids and grand kids and life long friends and siblings that knew her.
What am I missing?



Last edited by wle2; 11/30/20 02:55 PM.

Me 59 newly married after being a widow
Married 1 year
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Welcome back. Does your new wife know about MB?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
Originally Posted by wle2
If I ever say anything positive about my late wife or mention her in a FB post my new wife gets made at me.
I know the simple answer, never speak of my late wife again and never mention her in any post. But I have kids and grand kids and life long friends and siblings that knew her.
What am I missing?
Could you give us an example of something positive you have said and how she "got mad" at you?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 286
W
wle2 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 286
Hi BrainHurts! Only what I’ve spoken to her about .


Me 59 newly married after being a widow
Married 1 year
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 286
W
wle2 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 286
Hi SugarCane, This weekend I was trying to make biscuits, they flopped . I Said my late wife made the gold standard wish I could make them as good. I was making the biscuits not her. She didn’t speak to me for the rest of the day.


Me 59 newly married after being a widow
Married 1 year
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 286
W
wle2 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 286
Also anything we do I get the question, “ Did y’all do this?”
We were together 38 years if you count the three years we dated, there isn’t much we didn’t do at some point in time.


Me 59 newly married after being a widow
Married 1 year
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
Originally Posted by wle2
Hi SugarCane, This weekend I was trying to make biscuits, they flopped . I Said my late wife made the gold standard wish I could make them as good. I was making the biscuits not her. She didn’t speak to me for the rest of the day.
Why say this? It wasn't in the least bit necessary. You mentioned that having children and grandchildren with your late wife necessitates talking about her sometimes, but for the life of me I can't see why bringing her up in a situation to which she is utterly irrelevant was anything other than hurtful.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 286
W
wle2 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 286
SugarCain
I guess I just wasn’t thinking. I did apologize. It just came out. I see it’s silly now I have been trying to replicate what she used to make. It’s so not worth hurting my wife over
So never mentioning her again is what I’ll do. I don’t want to be hurtful that’s for sure. Remarriage isn’t as easy as I thought it would be, but so very worth it. Thank you.


Me 59 newly married after being a widow
Married 1 year
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 286
W
wle2 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 286
I feel like Ashton Kutcher’s character in “The Butterfly Effect” Whenever he gained new memories his brain expanded and his nose bleed. I have two lives in my mind and keeping them separate is not something that comes naturally.
Not making excuses for hurting my wife and will be more mindful.
I had a situation and my mind accessed a memory and my mouth engaged before my mind could assess the harm.


Me 59 newly married after being a widow
Married 1 year
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 286
W
wle2 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 286
Any suggestions as to which one of Dr. Harley’s books I need to reread?
“ Love Busters” for sure!


Me 59 newly married after being a widow
Married 1 year
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Originally Posted by wle2
Any suggestions as to which one of Dr. Harley’s books I need to reread?
“ Love Busters” for sure!
Love Busters is always a good read.

What about you both read “His Needs Her Needs”? You could read it first, if you don’t want to ask her.

Did you apologize to her about the biscuit comment?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 286
W
wle2 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 286
BrainHurts
I did apologize to her. I will reread those two books and hopefully she will too.
Thanks


Me 59 newly married after being a widow
Married 1 year
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
wle,

I sent an email yesterday to Dr Harley at the radio show, asking whether he has written anything on marriage after widowhood. I explained that I was posting to a someone on the forum about this and I could not find any resources by him.

To my surprise, he wrote back that he would answer my email on the radio show today (1st December), and he did so. The discussion is right at the end, at about the 50 minute mark. I did not know that he would do this, and I hope you don't mind.

To summarise his answer, in case you don't get to hear it before it is replaced by tomorrow's show:

"Whatever you do that offends your spouse - quit doing it. The less said about your late wife in the presence of your new wife, the better. Unless you absolutely have to say something, I would avoid talking about her.

The advantage of being married after a divorce is that the other person is not what you want - because you got divorced. You are starting out afresh. you are saying 'I learned a few lessons in my last marriage and I'm not going to make the same mistakes. The first spouse is not going to be someone that I wish I had back in my life again.'

In the case of a widow/er, the person becomes idealised in their mind. Comparison under those conditions is usually unrealistic. So the disadvantage of marrying a widow/er is that whatever they had before, it's going to be hard to compete with."

Joyce suggested that some new spouses might say "of course you're going to want to talk to the children about (the late wife - their mother) but Dr Harley interjected to say that even that could be offensive to some people. "I have found that the less said about the late spouse, the better."

Well, that's what I thought he'd say, and that's why I replied to you as I did. Essentially, your wife should feel as if this marriage was the only one you'd ever had. It's not up to her to accept that your late wife still has a presence in your mind. And as for the children and friends who knew her, would they really be so disrespectful as to bring her up and reminisce about her in front of your wife? Why would they do that? And if they do, you need to have a word with them and tell them to stop.

But the main problem is you, not them. She knows and can accept that your children and grandchildren are not hers. What she needs to be certain of, though, is that you didn't marry her while you were still in love with your late wife and hadn't got over grieving for her - that you didn't marry again quickly for someone to look after you and provide companionship.

Some post-death marriages might take place explicitly on that basis, with the knowledge and agreement of both parties that the deal is companionship, but it does not sound to me as if yours was entered into on that basis - as far as your wife is concerned, anyway. She needs to feel that you married for love, and that your past love is out of the way. If it isn't, you shouldn't have married. Since you did, and if you want to make this work, your wife needs to be the only woman in your heart. If you talk about your late wife, and post about her on FB (why on earth would you do that? How hurtful to your wife! I would be broken by that!), how is your wife supposed to know that you're not wishing your late wife were still with you?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Thank you SugarCane. I too was looking and couldn’t find anything. You’re so smart! smile


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.




Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,116 guests, and 67 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5