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I'm sorry; you must be very disappointed.

How old are your own kids now? Do you have a good relationship with them?

I take it the relationship you came here with in 2015 ended at that time? Are there any issues remaining from it?

I'm just trying to establish whether you can start a new relationship (some day) with a clean slate.


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Originally Posted by SugarCane
I'm sorry; you must be very disappointed.

How old are your own kids now? Do you have a good relationship with them?

I take it the relationship you came here with in 2015 ended at that time? Are there any issues remaining from it?

I'm just trying to establish whether you can start a new relationship (some day) with a clean slate.


My girls are 21 and 23 now. We are close but live quite far apart at the moment.

There are no issues from old relationship from 2015. We have no contact.

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So I decided to travel to visit family in my home town 6hrs drive away.

When I arrived I received a SMS from her about wanting some personal computer files I saved from a hard drive for her.

I thought it was odd she would msg after wanting to end contact.

I said I was happy to help of course because it would allow us to regain trust again etc.

But if she wanted no more contact she could easily take to another IT store .

10minutes later she rang me to tell me some random thing about phone bill. We spoke for about 3mins . It was very strange that she was talking to me like a normal conversation like nothing has happened.

Then an hour later she rang again and we spoke for 2hrs.

It seems like she might have started to forgive me.

During the chat she actually mentioned that maybe we had rushed things. I took opportunity to suggest she might like to read the books now but she is still refusing to even consider it. So frustrating OMG.

It was a pleasant surprise for her to reach out after I thought I might not hear from her again.

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What do you conclude from her reaching out? Do you think she wants to get back together with you?


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Originally Posted by SugarCane
What do you conclude from her reaching out? Do you think she wants to get back together with you?


I think so.

l I asked if this meant she had forgiven me. She just said she had a headache and didn't want to talk about it.

I suspect she is feeling very hurt and doesn't want to let her guard down.

I kept pressing later in conversation and eventually got a response along the lines of " you will be back to square one"

I guess there is hope she might soften in time if she can see I am genuine

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This morning we exchanged a good morning SMS then she rang me and little while later while i was out having a walk.

She said she had decided that she needed two weeks of no contact to think and process things. My initial reaction was to say that in my experience that usually means another guy or wanting to see some one else. That if she is not sure now then that probably means it is a no.

We spoke about our mutual love and care for each other and the fact that we had hurt each other and how we might be able to handle it in future.

I again raised the request of reading some of the MB books but she again refused point blank.

But she was adament she felt we both needed to spend time to decide what we really wanted. I told her I knew what I wanted but I would respect her wishes.

Part of me wants to be kind and patient and see it as a healing process for her.

Another part of me doesn't want to be in limbo for two weeks and wants to get on with either healing things or grieving.

In speaking to my brother and sister they both think I am being too nice - to def not contact her and to even just say that she should decide now or just move on.


This evening she called - I didn't answer and she left a message about a furniture thing she had been contacted about. She didn't need to contact me.

I feel like she is just trying to punish me for two weeks. Should the refusal to even look at the books be grounds to just give up on this?

Not really sure how to handle her to be honest

Last edited by Dajavude; 01/21/21 05:02 AM.
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Your situation has moved from the original problem where you were living with your girlfriend and she had contact with her ex. I'm not sure whether you are looking for advice with the new situation, since you haven't asked a question.

Do you feel that you can have a dating relationship with her now that you have separated? Do you think she wants one with you?


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Originally Posted by SugarCane
Your situation has moved from the original problem where you were living with your girlfriend and she had contact with her ex. I'm not sure whether you are looking for advice with the new situation, since you haven't asked a question.

Do you feel that you can have a dating relationship with her now that you have separated? Do you think she wants one with you?



I don"t know now about her as she has imposed a two week no contact plan

Oneida the main reasons for moving in together so soon was she does not want to be alone.

I suggested she move into unit and I move out at first but she was adamant she wanted me there with her.

I cannot see her being interested in dating. I think she will either forgive me me or end relationship.

I am feeling really sad now because I want to heal and rebuild things now and get my sanity back. Or end things so I can start grieving and moving on.

I took two weeks off work thinking it would be the end but ended up realising I had over reacted and wanted to reconcile.

Do you think her two week thing is genuine?

Why would she refuse to talk one day the reach out to me the next to be on phone for two hours then decide to have two weeks of no contact?

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So now i am really conflicted.

She contacted me today a few times and finally we discussed things seriously; we both agreed there was fault on both sides and needed to work out how to avoid making the same mistakes.

After 2hrs or so she ended up saying she wanted me to come back!!! She wants me to promise I will stay with her no matter what happens. So she definitely wants a life long commitment.

This was a major shift in her position from before. I took the opportunity to gingerly raise the question of considering to read a couple of the MB books. OMG, she just point blank refuses to even consider it!!! I just don't understand why. it makes no sense.

When I pressed on the books she got more agitated and was prepared to walk away if i made an issue of it.

This woman is so frustrating. She is lovely in so many ways. I just want us on the same page with handling the relationship stuff. I love her and don't want to lose her over this.

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Are you going to move back?


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Originally Posted by SugarCane
Are you going to move back?


I know you're gonna say not to do that. It is very likely she would not agree to that and see it as me trying to cause drama etc. Especially now.

Things are very fragile now. I am torn between going back and finding some way to introduce the MB stuff to her. She feels like I am trying to force her and make it a condition for reconciliation. She rejected it completely and was prepared to end things because she feels she has gone far enough in forgiving me for leaving.

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You didn't answer my question!


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Originally Posted by SugarCane
You didn't answer my question!


Yes

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Originally Posted by Dajavude
Originally Posted by SugarCane
You didn't answer my question!


Yes

Did you read the article that was posted to you about living together?

What’s going to be different this time?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by Dajavude
Originally Posted by SugarCane
You didn't answer my question!


Yes

Did you read the article that was posted to you about living together?

What’s going to be different this time?


I am hoping to get my partner on board with the MB concepts in Love Busters and His Needs Her needs. I have them in kindle form but she prefers real books so my plan is to get the real books and just have them lying around in plain view for her to be able to pick up.

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Your girlfriend has indicated pretty strongly she has no interest in reading MB materials. Instead of annoying her by bringing up marriage builders frequently, why not consider reading them thoroughly yourself and then implementing them on your own? Just do it one-sided for a while and see how she responds. Make sure you understand what love busters are and eliminate them completely. Be affectionate and conversant with her. Be nice to her kids.

What did you think of the Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders thread?


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Originally Posted by LongWayFromHome
Your girlfriend has indicated pretty strongly she has no interest in reading MB materials. Instead of annoying her by bringing up marriage builders frequently, why not consider reading them thoroughly yourself and then implementing them on your own? Just do it one-sided for a while and see how she responds. Make sure you understand what love busters are and eliminate them completely. Be affectionate and conversant with her. Be nice to her kids.

What did you think of the Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders thread?


Thanks for the tips. I have read the books a few times over the years. I have been struggling to maintain a completely giving nature as even if I try to stay in a democratic respectful state i end up having to sacrifice to keep the peace and her happy; or happy enough.

I have observed her coming to a more conciliatory / accomodating position on things of her own accord but her natural way of negotiating things is agressive dictatorial methods and escalation of behaviour to get what she wants. Resistance from me is often viewed as a challenge and exacerbates and entrenches her opposite position rather than trying to find mutually acceptable solutions.

I am going to try to manifest as much lovebank protecting behaviour as possible and hope she is willing to engage on this stuff over time. I just purchased a copy of His needs / her needs and Lover busters. WHen they arrive will just leave them in view somewhere and not say anything.

I read the Buyers , renters , free loaders thread stuff. I can see the logic and can also see the behaviour we have been inflicting on each other. I basically got to the complete withdrawal state and left a week and bit ago. Since returning monday. we have slowly reconnected and can feel we are rebuilding our trust for one another again.

The Ex had apparently gone into over drive in trying to encourage her to come back and offering to help her with various things once he discovered I had left. Seems my spider senses were pretty well on the money about him and not wanting them to be in contact more than necessary.

In any event, she had refused his offers even when she was refusing to talk to me for most of the week. She had told him apparently that there was no love from her just friendship. When he found out she had agreed to reconcile with me he apparently had a dummy spit and told her he didn't want any more contact from her unless it was perfunctory stuff relating to Kids spending time at his place.

In discussing with me she had said she realises now it was unfair to him to try to keep as friend when he was hoping for something more and that it was better for us that it had turned out that way.

I really would have preferred her to have practiced that level of respectful disconnection by herself but I guess this way is better than me struggling with the urge to demand it all the time and instead have it poison my trust for her.

Now I feel much more relaxed that her focus is us and not being pushed back to him.

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I'm a bit mystified as to why you are trying so hard to make this work when the relationship has several land mines and red flags. Dating is a time to find out about a person, to test the relationship, have fun together, discover whether there are shared values. Dating is when you should be having fun while testing relationships. This is the time to be a "Freeloader," to see if you like each other more or less just as you are without making many changes. If you find you are not really suited, rather than needing to adjust to each other, as one would if in a married committed relationship, you can easily move on to another person. This is healthy dating.

I would personally find it terribly annoying if my husband left out books for me to read, hoping I would do my part to better myself. Perhaps your girlfriend will feel differently, and for your sake, I hope she does.

At this point in your relationship, you and she could be discussing the Policy of Joint Agreement to see where she stands on negotiation and thoughtfulness in marriage. You might win her over, but if she persists in attempting to get her own way at your expense, this is a big red flag.


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Originally Posted by LongWayFromHome

At this point in your relationship, you and she could be discussing the Policy of Joint Agreement to see where she stands on negotiation and thoughtfulness in marriage. You might win her over, but if she persists in attempting to get her own way at your expense, this is a big red flag.


This and Love busters are the two biggest issues. She has a very swift temper (filipina) and stays in her sulky tantrum state even when I try to cajole her out. Sometimes her swift anger catches me offguard and I am dragged into a ego response before I know it. Things don't go well when this happens but I find myself caught between being attentive and sensitive to her then blind sides by unwarranted angry outbursts.

We had almost three days of repairing our closeness and she attacked me out of the blue in front of the kids calling me a hypocrite and being quite rude and disrespectful for nothing.

I just left the room and a minute later she came after me and asked what was wrong. I told her that I hadn't done anything to warrant being attacked, It seemed like she was just trying to create drama and sabotage things.

She apologised which was a very new thing for me to hear.

later that night we were going to bed and saying goodnight in the dark while she recounted a frustration with her daughter. I tried to make a joke about the incident and she angrily snapped at me and recanted her apology and rolled over away from me.

I tried to cajole her and eventually got frustrated and angry back at her. This didn't go down well and I quickly realised my mistake and apologised but it was too late - she used that as double down reason.

I didn't sleep at all well because I wanted to mend things before sleeping. In the morning she was happy and gave me a hug and kiss and apologised for the drama.

I need to find a way not feel so hurt at her out bursts.

I realise she has a lot of pent up resentment at me and historical resentment and pain from her previous abusive marriage.

I digress - I would love it if she became aware of the destructiveness of anger and helped us by trying the POJA. I can only try my best.

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The remedy for this last kind of fight: never have a discussion over anything after 21:00.
Nothing sensible is ever achieved and everyone gets angry and aggravated and after that you wonder what it was all about the next morning.
Just say that you have to sleep on it.


me, DH
all the children
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