I have been with my husband for five years, married three. We both have children from our first marriages, and we have a two year old together.

Our relationship has always been unstable. Highs and lows. He is passive aggressive and emotionally unavailable, I am highly sensitive and upfront. We certainly have an anxious/avoidant attachment. Since very early on in our relationship, he has threatened to leave whenever I hold him accountable because he feels belittled and disrespected. He was increasingly verbally abusive (***EDIT***, no one would want you, nothing without me, etc) so I kept pushing for marriage counseling. He saw two therapists and our pastor once each then would refuse to go back. The threats to leave came at least once a month. Packed suitcases, telling me he submitted apartment applications, but then I’d beg and drop whatever issue was initially raised and he would stay.

On Tuesday, we were supposed to meet for an appt but he texted me to say he’d cancelled it, then facetimed me to tell me he had rented an apartment, reserved a uhaul, and was moving out of our home that afternoon. I fell to pieces.

So here I am only six days out but feeling confused and torn. All of the women in my circle are going through or have been through a divorce, my therapist included. So they are all very much of the “better off without him” mindset. I am somewhere in the middle and don’t trust my own instincts about the situation.

My husband says he won’t file for divorce because he wants to take some time to get his head on straight, for the dust to settle, and then decide whether he wants to move forward with reconciling or divorcing. He has threatened this so many times though so I’m not sure why now that he’s done it, he’s still not fully committed to leaving.

1) I don’t even believe that his potential desire for reconcile is even truthful because he’s severing all ties: banks accounts, cell phone plans, even his primary care physician. He just dropped a ton of money furnishing his new bachelor pad. And he has made no outreach unless it’s to ask for something. Not even a “how are you?”. It’s all been completely one sided. While I have taken on full time parenting and all the expenses.

2) He takes for granted that I begged him not to leave, and he chose to anyway. I offered every concession in the world for him not to do this to our family. And his response was so cold and uncaring, “this is happening, you need to deal with it.” Over FaceTime!!

3) He takes for granted that this has hurt the children. I told him my son cries at night, and that our son always asks “dad is?”. My oldest even talked to his teacher about it because he was upset. He said no, they are unaffected, they “have a blast” with him. He just refuses to take any responsibility.

So I’m conflicted. On the one hand, I love him. I still believe in our vows, in our past, and what we had planned for our future. And having been through a divorce, I hate divorce. I hate kids having two homes, having to share holidays. I agree that our marriage was extremely toxic and that something had to shift to break the cycle (but I had counseling in mind, not this $&@?).

On the other hand, this just feels like more manipulation. He is a very emotionally disconnected person by nature, but toward me for the last few years, so it doesn’t feel like someone who loves me and is conflicted and just needs some space to gain clarity. It feels empty.

I know that for me, my task at hand is to focus on my children’s needs and healing myself emotionally and physically. Using this space to find my strength again and to fix whatever it is that made me think that his words and actions are the most I deserve. But beyond that, I don’t know how to proceed and was hoping for some objective outside input. I can’t see myself filing, because I just never want the burden of having been the one to give up. But I also don’t want the continued feelings of being disposable, neglected, the continued threats of abandonment.

Thank you for your time in reading this and any input you have about where things stand.

Welcome to MB.

Why did his first marriage end in divorce? How long was he divorced before you started dating? How did you meet?

Thank you. First marriage ended, according to him, because of her alcoholism (which is true, though she is high functioning) and spending. I do know that she felt he was disconnected and uninvolved (sentiments which I experienced) and also experienced emotional abuse. He was divorced two years before dating me. We met on tinder. Neither of us thought we’d remarry after our divorces...

Hi there

Sorry that you are facing this.

I am fairly new here but I can tell you, that you are in the right place to get help. The people here will help advise you.

Your Husband does sound abusive, and my understanding is that Dr Harley usually recommends a separation under these circumstances until he gets the abuse / anger under control. I am not married but your husband sounds similar to my partner, a bit of a controlling bully, sorry.

Until you get help formulating a plan, try taking care of yourself as much as possible and use this time for a bit of self healing. I expect you are probably in a bit of shock if he has up and left in such a manner.

Please read What to do with an Angry Husband

Are you still reading here, seeking? You haven't responded to recent posts.

Your husband has abandoned you, and I think you need to file an abandonment order to ensure financial protection.

I made an appointment with an attorney. Even if I don’t want a divorce, I do want a fair and equitable financial plan and an enforceable visitation schedule so that I can count on my boys seeing him.

Today he said he likes the idea of us together and loves me, so he doesn’t want to file because it’s too final. I countered:

“Your actions and words don’t align, it’s that simple. You took a year long lease for a “trial separation”? Is your expectation that we would actually live separately for an entire year? You’re getting your own cell plan? Furniture that you’re claiming you can sell off if you return? Those are actions that align with your original claim which was that you were done and ending our marriage. I don’t buy your wait and see approach because nothing you’re doing exemplifies that sentiment and you have not provided any type of plan to actually go in that direction.”

It’s frustrating to not want to end a marriage but feeling like I’m still being manipulated and controlled.

Does your H have much to do with his other children? How old are they?

So sorry for my delay, @sugarcane, I didn’t get a notification.

He does not. They are 12 and 14 and very good kids. When we began dating, he would see them after school for a few hours once or twice a week. He’d been doing that for a little over a year. That was it. I encouraged him to go to court and get a regular overnight schedule for them, which he did. Every other wknd and one school night on the off weeks.

Then they moved (only 75 mins away) so now he only takes them two Saturday-Sunday a month. But insists they are the most important things in the world to him.

In the month he’s been gone, he’s done the same to our son. Comes over twice a week for a few hours, and that’s the extent of it.

It’s obviously ridiculous that I expect him to prioritize me, and our marriage, when he won’t even put his children before himself.

He keeps saying he’s “very invested” in making this work, but he’s absent. He’s spending his time at work, or at jujitsu, or streaming tv at his new place. We just don’t hear from him much.

Leaves an exwife and a current wife raising his children 98% of the time while he “unwinds” and “takes time for himself” yet lives alone. Meanwhile, I have my children and work full time. The imbalance is mind boggling, as is his utter lack of accountability.

We start therapy next Friday.

Wait - what kind of therapy? Why are you going to therapy?

He scheduled a marriage counselor.

What is his goal in doing so - has he ever told you?

I'm sceptical about why he is doing this, given that he is comfortable and even happy living his life as he is. He seems to have no inclination to move home with you. Why, then, would he schedule marriage counselling? Is it in an attempt to get you to accept the end of the marriage or to accept the marriage on his terms - i.e. living apart?

This.

He says to see if we can build a sustainable marriage.

Actions speak louder than words.

What do his actions tell you?

Seeking, could you explain more? How is he behaving towards you these days?

Did he schedule MC out of the blue? Why would he do this when he is evidently happy living the life he has?

This is a really excellent point. His actions tell me that he is content to live separately and use me and our home for access to our son and a sense that he has some sort of family life.

I’ve repeatedly asked that he take our son to his new home, but instead he just comes here and visits with him. He’s helpful with little things like folding laundry, shoveling, putting gas in my car while he’s here but otherwise it’s kind of like I am managing the parenting and he just acts like a mother’s helper for a few afternoons each week. So I think he likes being with our son but without having to be responsible FOR him.

He brought my flowers once, wine a few times, for Valentine’s Day he dropped off a skin cream that I’ve always fantasized about but was way outside my budget. But other than that, I don’t hear much.

Re MC, pretty much. He swings from I want to be married to I want to be divorced, and one of his “married” days he reached out to a colleague for a LMFT referral of a woman who helped him reconcile with his separated spouse.

Whenever I ask about his goals, he will say to see if we can find some common ground on which to build a fulfilling and sustainable marriage. When I ask him what that looks like he says he doesn’t know, and let’s relay on the LMFT for that.

It’s almost as though he wants someone else to let him off the hook of taking the next step (filing).

Sorry - I don't understand this whole sentence. What is LMFT, and - a woman who helped who reconcile with whose separated spouse?

You can already see that he wants someone else to let him off the hook. You can already see that he might have chosen MC so that he can achieve exactly the divorce that he wants. I hope that therefore, you are not setting a lot of stock by his sincerity in wanting to be married.

Ask him to speak to Dr Harley. He will talk to you on the radio show (so that the rest of us can hear, which would be so useful for us), or he will talk to you privately. Tell him that Dr Harley has a description of what a fulfilling and sustainable marriage should be, and he has a plan to get you there. You don't have to give up the MC he has already arranged - indeed, keeping that appointment might be a way of negotiating his agreement to a free session with Dr Harley.

You need to be very wary of your husband's motives. You do not want to get your hopes up that he is working on the marriage, only to find that the MC agrees with him that the marriage is too unhealthy to be repaired, and that you'd be better of separating permanently.

You also need to be wary of the counsellor. At your initial interview, you need to find out what the counsellor's goals are for you as a couple. You need to find out if they have a series of steps in their armoury that they encourage a couple to use to fall in love again. These steps need to go far beyond the oft-cited "communication". The thing is, your husband communicates with you extremely well. He has communicated that he does not want the burden and responsibility of marriage and children, and that he wants to live the bachelor life. You have no problem understanding what he wants, and I'm sure he understands that you want to be married, living together and in love. The problem isn't "communication", so don't be fobbed off with that goal.

Do you think you could get him to talk to Dr Harley?

Please read and listen to the radio clips in Beware of Bad Counselors