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Originally Posted by living_well
Originally Posted by Dajavude


Now I am potentially able to check I realise I may be confronted with information that will confirm my fears OR validate I can trust her.

If I find inappropriate communication I am going to have to leave. There will be no point bringing it up again.

I would be able to pack my things and move within one day myself while they are all at work / school.



Your problem is that finding nothing proves nothing. She may have deleted everything or they may have decided not to use text messaging for private conversations. Your problem is that she has already told you that she has no interest in going exclusive (becoming a renter) at this time. She is being honest.

You are going to need to put on your brave boots and move out. Then date her and date others too. You need to freeload. You will feel so much better when you have done this.


She hasn't been honest. She has said there is no relationship other than for making arrangements with kids. Anything other than that is a breach of trust again and I will move out and end relationship

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That is not what you told us here


Originally Posted by Dajavude

If I move out it will be the end of the relationship.

We discussed this again yesterday. She said she has no time to invest now that she has to work and care for the kids; that the relationship would just fade.


Originally Posted by Living Well


So that tells you everything you need to know, You rank below her children and even below her job. She does not love you and does not plan to fall in love with you, you are just a meal ticket for her.


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Originally Posted by living_well
That is not what you told us here


Originally Posted by Dajavude

If I move out it will be the end of the relationship.

We discussed this again yesterday. She said she has no time to invest now that she has to work and care for the kids; that the relationship would just fade.


Originally Posted by Living Well


So that tells you everything you need to know, You rank below her children and even below her job. She does not love you and does not plan to fall in love with you, you are just a meal ticket for her.




What do you mean?

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Originally Posted by Dajavude


We discussed this again yesterday. She said she has no time to invest now that she has to work and care for the kids; that the relationship would just fade.

Originally Posted by Dajavude


What do you mean?


She has been totally honest. She has told you that she is not interested in investing in a relationship with you. Thank her for that and get packing.


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Originally Posted by living_well
Originally Posted by Dajavude


We discussed this again yesterday. She said she has no time to invest now that she has to work and care for the kids; that the relationship would just fade.

Originally Posted by Dajavude


What do you mean?


She has been totally honest. She has told you that she is not interested in investing in a relationship with you. Thank her for that and get packing.




It is not as simple as that. She means that she prefers to have me stay.

There is the question mark of is she maintaining an innappropriate contact with ex.

I haven't had chance to check her phone but I did quickly confirm the pin code unlocks the phone.

I am dreading what I might find when I have chance to check.

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Originally Posted by Dajavude

It is not as simple as that. She means that she prefers to have me stay.


To us it looks as if she wants a relationship with you but only if it is on her terms. You are going to make yourself ill.


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Originally Posted by living_well
Originally Posted by Dajavude

It is not as simple as that. She means that she prefers to have me stay.


To us it looks as if she wants a relationship with you but only if it is on her terms. You are going to make yourself ill.


Hopefully I can check her phone tonight or tomorrow morning. Then I'll have some clarity. She will have had two weeks of freedom to manage things without fear of my interference.

If she is true to her word there will not be any unreasonable contact

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I checked phone this morning while she was having a shower. There was no history of SMS or phone contact with him at all.

Which is very strange.

Also yesterday she rang me in the morning to check if her daughter was at home again. Apparently she had received a notification from the school that Daughter had missed roll call and was marked absent, and the Daughter was not replying to calls or SMS. I also left a message and SMS for her. She then rang the school and was not able to verify if she was there so she was in a mild panic.

It occurred to me that the Ex lives near the school and checking with him would be obvious but I assumed she would do that.

Anyway it turned out that Daughter had gotten drenched in a downpour after getting off train and then went to the Ex's place to have a shower and stayed there the whole day. She later replied etc. When I spoke to my partner this morning I asked if she had found it where she had gone she said daughter had told her to the ex's place.

I found this odd as to why she would not have contacted him or the other way?

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If I have access to her phone - what is best Apple Phone spy software where I don't know the Apple id password?

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Considering, that you are just dating at the moment - although living together - I do not feel that it would be appropriate for you to put spyware on her phone. You may take a peak, but you should get your info by other means.


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Originally Posted by happyheart
Considering, that you are just dating at the moment - although living together - I do not feel that it would be appropriate for you to put spyware on her phone. You may take a peak, but you should get your info by other means.


I understand the the basis of your observation. However, as I am investing time, money , and emotional support equivalent to a husband / spouse / father to both her and her children I feel like the potential imbalance and risk of loss counter acts the technicality of marriage being a sole legitimisation for spying.

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Have you thought about writing to Dr. H directly? This path sounds like it’s been so painful for you. If you’re a committed buyer maybe it’s time to propose and give her the reason to give up the other guy?


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
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No spy software will help to solve the problem, moreover it will be getting even worse(((

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Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
Have you thought about writing to Dr. H directly? This path sounds like it’s been so painful for you. If you’re a committed buyer maybe it’s time to propose and give her the reason to give up the other guy?



Honestly, I don't think a proposal would get the ex out of the picture unless we moved. She is wanting to allow kids to maintain connection with him. They were only living together 2 years and the kids are 12 and 14 now. I don't understand how come there is such an important bond there. I think it is also because it gives her a safety net to return if the kids maintain the connection with him.

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Originally Posted by Emma White
No spy software will help to solve the problem, moreover it will be getting even worse(((


I think you are probably right. It's really not worth the stress and the effort.

If there is that lack of trust from her actions it won't change anything knowing more details

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Dajavude,

Have you ever had an honest conversation with your girlfriend about what she wants in life? How does she make her decisions regarding men in her life? What are her values? What are her cultural traditions? Who are her parents and siblings and where do they live? What do they do for a living? How often is she in contact with them?

Basically, how much do you really know this woman? How much do you really know about her circumstances and what were her motives for agreeing you to live with her, especially after such a brief time of acquaintance beforehand?

Would you say she is in love with you? Are you in love with her? Perhaps she doesn't care for you very much but you help her with paying her household bills so she wants you to be with her for that reason. What if you could get her to fall in love with you? Do you take her out on dates? Do you know about the love busters and avoid them? Do you know what her emotional needs are and would you say SHE says you do a good job at meeting them?

I suggest that she is not committed to you. Do you want to continue living with her at all costs?


Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

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Originally Posted by LongWayFromHome
Dajavude,

Have you ever had an honest conversation with your girlfriend about what she wants in life? How does she make her decisions regarding men in her life? What are her values? What are her cultural traditions? Who are her parents and siblings and where do they live? What do they do for a living? How often is she in contact with them?

Basically, how much do you really know this woman? How much do you really know about her circumstances and what were her motives for agreeing you to live with her, especially after such a brief time of acquaintance beforehand?

Would you say she is in love with you? Are you in love with her? Perhaps she doesn't care for you very much but you help her with paying her household bills so she wants you to be with her for that reason. What if you could get her to fall in love with you? Do you take her out on dates? Do you know about the love busters and avoid them? Do you know what her emotional needs are and would you say SHE says you do a good job at meeting them?

I suggest that she is not committed to you. Do you want to continue living with her at all costs?




Hey Longway

There is a lot of stuff to digest and consider there.

What is love? How does one really ever know what is happening for someone else?

For me I consider it a function of being attracted to someone then the connection / bond that builds by spending time together and giving to them. Of course the time and effort they give back.

We spend a lot of time together / talking on phone when we are not together.

She always wants to be near me and when we are working she calls on way to and from work (1.5hr commute) and during her lunch breaks. This has been a constant thing with us since we met.

I guess we spend 2hrs or more per day on phone and the time we spend at home, shopping and the dates we have. Although "dates" are harder now.

She is also us very giving in acts of service like cooking, ironing my clothes, lunches etc etc. We are very affectionate with each other and we make love regularly. She will be tired during her work week but will usually try to please me and spend time if she can.

All in all her behaviour tells me she wants my presence and attention and tries to do nice things for me.

In terms of love bank deposits I feel she is giving to me and in return I try to give to her. I do this by being helpful with all household tasks, cooking, shopping cleaning etc, being happy and affectionate,. Trying to build close bonds with the kids, help them where I can, sports, transport etc, and giving her lots of attentive listening and conversation.

I feel she loves me, and I feel I love her.

She is from Philippines originally, has regular contact with her family, siblings, cousins etc.

I believe her plans for future are family care oriented and to be married.

In terms of MB concepts, EN and love busters etc. I have read books a few times. I have two failed marriages and am very keen not to repeat the same mistakes a 3rd time.

She has refused so far to read the books but has actually agreed to do EN questionnaire thing the other day; will be trying to get her engagement with that.

On a plus note yesterday. We had a heart to heart about various stuff and she actually encouraged me to discuss the underlying concerns I had about ex.

This time she listened and seemed to genuinely accept and understand my feelings.

She then offered me complete access to her phone and gave me pin.

This act gave me so much relief and strong feeling for her. I actually have much stronger feeling of confidence in us now.

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So things have been going fairly well since last post which I guess has been not quite three weeks.

Not having a constant anxiety about contact has been a massive stress relief. It is interesting that with that cause of drama gone we have become closer and spending a lot of time together. We have had two special dates with one where we spent the whole day together eating breakfast and Lunch in different restaurants, visited museum and park etc.

At the same time there has been escalating dramas with the two children. Last last time I was aware of contact from the Ex he had given her a verbal assault running her down in front of the daughter on the phone. He is patently angry and lashing at her as he has realised she is not going back. Her 12yr son has been spending most afternoons after school and wanting to spend weekends there as there is a house full of teenager and adults playing computer games where he can play all the time he wants with no limits, and has led to him becoming more argumentative and disrespectful towards his mum.

Her 14yr daughter has been regularly not attending school and spending the day at the ex's house. He is obviously not encouraging to go to school.

Without any prompting from me she was starting to feel like them having contact with him was causing more drama and disruption and was considering preventing them going there. After a week where the son was asked to come straight home after school and spend weekends with us and her daughter spending 3-4 nights out of the last two weeks staying there my partner has seemingly given up and decided to let them do what they want?!? and Not wanting to engage with her daughter about schooling.

I honestly cannot understand how it can be a good idea to allow them to spend time with some one that is obviously poisoning their minds against their mum and allowing them to do what they want so they will spend time with him. I feel powerless to do anything as I am not their father. Although I have maintained friendly relations with them both and I have tried to have discussions with them both to ask them if there is anything we can do to help and what might be going on for them.

I can see things deteriorating quickly with her daughter as they have a tendency to clash and could easily lead to her ending up leaving which would be a tragedy.

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I know you aren’t married, but I strongly recommend reading up on Blended Families


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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