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#3015262 05/05/21 08:17 PM
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First post. Any input would be helpful.

I am surviving, we are getting better day by day but my question/comment is this:

She still believes she can maintain a friendship with the other because she has the ability to differentiate friendship from their affair. I have read TONS on the subject and everything points to that not being the case. Is there any advice/reading that says it is okay for the cheater to stay friends after the affair is discovered?

She avoids him as much as possible but still has small interactions once in a while due to work proximity. She knows how I feel so avoids him much as possible. I appreciate that but want her to understand that her mindset is in error.

Any links to outside reading are appreciated.

TIA

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In Dr. Harley's book "Surviving an Affair" and on this website in the articles section there is an article also by Dr. Harley that clearly states that his experience in counseling 10s of thousands of couples is that the affair partner should never be seen nor interacted with ever again in any way, shape, or form. He counsels moving to a different part of town, city, or state, or changing jobs if the home location or job can create situations where there is even casual interaction. There are no exceptions to this rule. If an affair is with a family member, this family member can never be seen nor interacted with again by the wayward spouse.

Your wife is wrong because there is always the danger that the affair could rekindle. This is true for any former romantic partner. She may even be gaslighting you or hoping some day to restart the affair. And is your wife considering how seeing the affair partner makes YOU feel? I assume this hurts you, so she is trying to justify her continuing to hurt you. This will create resentment in you and make recovery that much harder.

Is your wife committed to recovering and saving your marriage? Also, has exposure been done and has a no contact letter or message been sent? Also, do your spouse and her affair partner work at the same company?

Last edited by Blackhawk; 05/06/21 12:03 AM.

Me: BH
Marriage: 22 years
2 kids
D-Day 5 Sept 2011
EA w OM started Fall 2010, PA w OM Spring 2011, OM died end Sept 2011

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Who is the OM? How did she conduct her affair? What I mean by this, is what avenues did she use to have the affair? How long was the affair? How did you find out? Is the OM married?

How long have you been married? Do you have any kids and what are their ages?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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OM is someone where she works. I found out by reading a text message. This was last year. We have been rebuilding but I recently found out that there has been inconsistent conversation/just a hello.

I really think she is committed to working on our marriage. We both need to change things. We both are seeking counseling. I am learning to trust her as she is taking steps to earn that trust. This being friends thing, I believe, cannot happen and I have told her so. Just the other day she avoided a conversation with OM and said she did it for me. I am glad but I also don't want her to resent me for this.

Exposure was done days after this came to light. She did it, not me.

I understand the need to change jobs, places, even states but I am a stay-at-home-dad and her job (a good one) is our only source of income.

I JUST FEEL STUCK IN MY OWN HEAD

Thank you all for listening

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Dr. Harley always recommends that the unfaithful spouse eliminate all contact with the affair partner, even if it means leaving the job or moving away. Staying in touch with him, even if they never have another affair, will be a constant reminder to you and feel very threatening.

She needs to completely cut all contact with this man.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.



Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

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Please read Exposure 101

How old are your kids?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I have two older children from a previous marriage and my current wife and I have a 2 year old.


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