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Originally Posted by Indianaswife
Yes that's it. Thank you.
You're welcome.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Are you going to cancel the separation and move back with your H?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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No I am not cancelling the separation. I am watching to see if there is a change in behavior. His vocabulary is different, and he says he has become aware of how he has done things completely wrong for our entire marriage. The idea of trying to make me happy is quite new and not something he has ever considered or seen happen in marriages around him. He is committed to this now. However, a couple of things have happened that disturb me. We agreed at the start of the separation that we would not talk to people of the opposite sex about our problems. He has done this twice, and once the woman hugged him, they both say she basically forced the hug. I talked to her about this and she said she hugs everyone, and has hugged him before, and that he didn't really have a choice. I have to say that I was furious about this but am not really sure why. I can think of a few reasons why I feel angry about it but none seem enough to cause this level of anger in me. I don't see why he couldn't just move back away from her and explain why. I am working on my own resentments and trying to be the healthiest I can be, looking at how emotional abuse has affected my sense of self and becoming strong emotionally. We are interacting more and I am trying to think about things he could offer me that would possibly make me happier than I am now and see if he could do those things. It is all so awkward and a weird limbo place, but I think it is important to be 'comfortable with the uncomfortable'. I can't think of much worse than moving back together just to slide back into the same patterns and having to go through all of this again. Life is too short!

Last edited by Indianaswife; 06/20/17 07:17 AM.
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Is it ok for me to say to my husband "I feel you are having an angry outburst". Would this be acceptable to say or is it a disrespectful judgement?

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I emailed this question to Dr. Harley and he responded on the radio program on Sept. 12. Hoping to see the segment posted here. Thanks.

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Originally Posted by Indianaswife
I emailed this question to Dr. Harley and he responded on the radio program on Sept. 12. Hoping to see the segment posted here. Thanks.
Is this your question? I didn't see it on Sept 12th, but this is from Sept 11th.
Indianaswife's question


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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i would like to update you on what has happened with us and ask a few questions. I ended the separation in August 2017 after 9 months. For the next 8 months we talked a lot and I was happy with what I heard for the most part. There were still things I thought my H did not understand about what I needed but he did not criticize, get angry or silent or demanding. We began to make love again, and after a couple of months I was able to commit to 2-3 dates per week, and our son was in school from 8-2:30 and we used that time to go out for coffee or play games and then make love at night. In March 2018 we went to Florida for a month with our son. In the 4 days before we left we became very busy and did not have dates or sex. After the first day of driving, we decided we would make love that night at the motel where we would spend the night. I fell asleep without following through. The next morning I also was not enthusiastic. The second day of driving was done with my H being silent and withdrawn. When he became willing to talk he said he was upset because I did not follow through on my promise and he was not emotionally motivated to talk to me. He began to drive aggressively. I asked him to stop. He moved into the slow lane of the interstate and began to shave with his electric razor. I did not like that but didn't say anything. We did make love that night but I was upset that the silent treatment showed up again. I started talking to him about it, but in those conversations he got upset and kept saying that I was doing disrespectful judgements, for which I apologized. Basically every time I say "When you..." he says I am pointing the finger at him and that is disrespectful. What do I do when I disagree about what a disrespectful judgement is. I don't feel disrespect and I am not being judgemental, I just want to solve the problem.

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My husband and I email our complaints in order to avoid making DJs. It's generally best to just state "it bothers me when" and then list the objective behavior without adding anything else. If he doesn't respond the way you'd like, it's best to just drop it even if it means that the problem remains unresolved for the time being. You might also try asking him what language he'd like you to use for complaints.

However, Dr. Harley has a special rule for driving: "Policy of Driver Etiquette: The spouse driving the car should drive in a way that makes the spouse who is a passenger feel safe and comfortable." (I read about this in the private message board; not sure if he's mentioned it in writing elsewhere.) So maybe just tell him you're not comfortable with him shaving while driving, or that you'd feel more comfortable with him driving at a certain speed or distance from other cars. Try to keep your statement as specific as possible, and avoid subjective phrases like "driving aggressively".

He should not punish you for not having sex with him, even if you'd agreed to. You shouldn't have sex unless you're enthusiastic about it, and you and your husband should negotiate about what would make you more enthusiastic.

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Update: Separated November 2016, Reconciliation attempt July 2017 until September 2019. Final separation Sept. 3, 2019. Filed for divorce after 1 year of separation. Massive post separation abuse starting August 2020 to present. Legal abuse: using the court system to abuse. He has fired 3 lawyers, 2 times he has not filed material on time, refuses to agree to reasonable Parenting Schedule. Arrested May 1, 2021. Out on bail May 2, 2021 Will this nightmare ever end???

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We had a member here, who also had a husband like that - does anyone remember what her screen-name was? It is very important, that you document everything he does which is not in accordance with the courts. Just make a note and keep the electronic evidence (emails, texts - you can make a screenshot or a photo) or witnesses.
Has your husband ever been physically aggressive? Does he own a weapon? Does he drink alcohol, or do drugs? His behaviour sounds rather erratic.
If the answer to any of the above is yes, you have to be very careful, because people can do irrational things they later regret out of spite. I hope your are in a place where you can be safe or can take safety measures. Divorce proceedings, especially when so emotionally charged can lead to vast overreaction where your ex forgets that his priority should be on the children and that they need a mother who is not stressed out. Especially if he wants his children to do good in school and in life, because they are his legacy.

God bless,

Happyheart


me, DH
all the children
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Also, the best thing against this stalking is not to react. It will get boring after a while if he doesn't have a reaction. Do not let him see you in court. Be excused. If you are having physical problems, like migraine or other psychosomatic complaints before appearing in court, you can be excused in most countries with a medical doctor's proof. It would be best to not let the children see you in distress if you are in any, as they will speak to him. You will find, that you will feel much safer, if you have good legal representation, so that they can handle the courts. There are women's groups that may be able to help you, or you could speak with the church. If he is still in the same church, you may want to contemplate changing your church. Plan B and no contact will save your sanity.

Eventually, he will see that this does not work and if there is any semblance of what he learned in church in him, he will stop bothering you. If he has personality disorders, this may take long, but it is better to have no contact anyway.


me, DH
all the children
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