Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 4
D
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
D
Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 4
I am 43 and my husband is 45. We have been married for 20 years and have three children all in college.

So I had about 3.5 years ago I had a six-month physical affair that ended horribly when the OM exposed everything to my husband.
We decided to work to fix things and I honestly thought the last two years we had made great strides in reconnecting after the fallout.

My husband agrees that we have gotten back to where we were before the affair, but ultimately feels like the level of passion and enthusiasm I had during the affair isn't possible for us.
He doesn't want to feel jealous of my relationship with the OM, but the nature of my affair has made that extremely difficult.

I understand his reasoning but am not sure what to do about it. We meet each other's needs (or so I thought) and honestly, the affair was because of my poor boundaries and selfish decisions.

I'd like to save my marriage, but I also want my husband to feel as he says wanted and desired.


Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Welcome to MB.

Who was the OM? Do you still have contact with him? Was he married?

Did you answer all of your BH’s questions about the affair?

Have you read Surviving an Affair?

Who all knows about the affair?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by DayTripper
I am 43 and my husband is 45. We have been married for 20 years and have three children all in college.

So I had about 3.5 years ago I had a six-month physical affair that ended horribly when the OM exposed everything to my husband.
We decided to work to fix things and I honestly thought the last two years we had made great strides in reconnecting after the fallout.

My husband agrees that we have gotten back to where we were before the affair, but ultimately feels like the level of passion and enthusiasm I had during the affair isn't possible for us.
He doesn't want to feel jealous of my relationship with the OM, but the nature of my affair has made that extremely difficult.

I understand his reasoning but am not sure what to do about it. We meet each other's needs (or so I thought) and honestly, the affair was because of my poor boundaries and selfish decisions.

I'd like to save my marriage, but I also want my husband to feel as he says wanted and desired.

I'm sorry for the reasons that brought you to this website. Have you read Surviving an Affair? Did you and your husband follow the Marriage Builders guidelines for recovery after an affair? The goal of recovery is to create a marriage that is better than it was before the affair.

Here is a checklist from Surviving an Affair. Has everything been accomplished?

Originally Posted by Dr. Harley, Surviving an Affair
From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.



Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Hi Daytripper, welcome to Marriage Builders. Most marriages do not recover from affairs unless they follow very specific steps to affair proof the marriage and most importantly, to fall back in love. If these steps are not taken, the resentment of the betrayed spouse grows and festers year after year. Your marriage should not return to the pre-affair state but to a much better state. If you create a passionate, romantic marriage, your husband won't be resentful. When a person is happy in the present, the mind doesn't go to the tragedy of the past.

We can teach you how to fall in love again, but like the others said, the first step is affair proofing the marriage and making sure the OM is not still in your lives.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 4
D
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
D
Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 4
Thank you, everyone, for your responses.

BrainHurt:

There is no contact at all with the OM.
He was not married and didn't know I was married.

My husband has had all questions answered by me.
Also, almost all communication with the OM was over text and those along with all pictures and videos were seen by my husband.
I also had a former friend (not really a friend I see now) that I talked about OM with over messenger; my husband has seen those as well.

The OM exposed everything to my husband.
Our clergy, kids, families, and close friends know of the affair.

LongWayFromHome:

We have both read Surviving an Affair along with most of the material on the website. We also did phone coaching for 10 sessions as well as individual counseling and couples counseling.

I should be more clear; some aspects of our marriage our better than before.
We always had date nights and affection -- now we know that while we were doing that; we need to make it a higher priority.

We also both have more accountability to each other.
Everything in that checklist is accounted for.

MelodyLane:

We have taken steps to affair-proof the marriage.
Paranoia and trust aren't issues as I account for all comings and goings and my husband says he does trust me and believes it won't happen again and is very appreciative of my complete transparency the extra precautions we have taken.


The backstory of the affair is that I started a part-time job in town and a new co-worker invited me to the gym and then for a girl's night. My husband was happy for me to make a friend, so I encouraged it. After the gym and dinner, we went to a tavern in the next town and at some point my married co-worker was talking to two younger guys (both 24). She brought them over and said they wanted to buy us a drink. I realized my ring was still in my gym bag and I don't fully know why I didn't say I was married -- if I'm honest I probably was enjoying the attention and my co-worker had said we both were divorced. I wasn't drinking that night so I had a coke. After a couple of hours we were getting ready to leave and the OM gave me his number again I should have said something -- instead, I just took the number and said thank you.

A couple of days later I decided to text him and he invited me over; so I went. This continued for about six months about 3-5 times a week.
I greatly exploited my husband's trust and generosity as basically I started leading a double life -- after he was off to work; I would either chat with or go over to the OM's house.

It ended when OM figured out I was married. He got ahold of my husband and apparently apologized profusely and gave him copies of all our exchanges - including disgusting videos and pictures we had made. My husband then logged into my accounts and found the messages between me and my co-worker about the OM.

I was extremely careless and then selfish; I know that.

After talking with my husband last night he gave me a fuller explanation of why he feels we need to divorce. We haven't really spoken about the affair in years because all the questions were answered; so it was a little rough but we made it through the conversation.

He feels that while we are doing better and he feels he's in love with me and believes I love him; but that I won't ever be fully in love with him because he can never be new, wanted, . He was hopeful that losing weight would help, but it doesn't seem to have made the difference needed and he is feeling overwhelmed with trying to know what to do.

He said one aspect of the affair he at first saw as a positive was that I was extremely sexual with the OM and in talking about the OM; which he was hopeful would transfer or manifest for us if we could figure out what was missing. He expressed frustration that it hasn't happened and has come to the realization that it never will. This is a topic that was discussed shortly after D-day and not really brought up again until last night.

He said in a strange way it's that he feels I would never have had an affair with him but he is loved like a close friend and not as a passionate lover.

Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
Sexual feelings for one person don't simply transfer to another. The affair you had was very sexual in a way that, for some reason, your marriage was not. Did your phone coaching address this? Now that your husband has lost weight, do you find him attractive? Do you find your husband annoying in any way? Does he have love busters that make love bank withdrawals? Are you still completing the love bank inventory from your coach?



Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 4
D
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
D
Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 4
Sorry for the delay -- with lockdown in my state and everyone in the house life has been hectic.

I am glad my husband lost weight; but no I don't find him particularly physically attractive. He is a very large and muscular man and I know many women find him attractive especially since he lost weight; he went from 300 pounds to 250 pounds and it took a lot of work to do it. He is very disciplined and when a task is presented he sets out to find the most efficient way to achieve it. I have never been very attracted to men physically my whole life and those that I have had an attraction to tend to be on the smaller more slim side -- some would say scrawny.

Some of the reasons for the more sexual nature of my affair was caused by me finding the OM more physically attractive, my own ego boosts from being desired by a younger man, and being caught in a fantasy.
Not wanting to lose my fantasy I submitted to a lot of the OM's requests. Some of those requests I honestly can't believe I let happen and some were things I had told my husband no to when he requested them. One aspect that makes me feel odd is the affair was purely physical as in I didn't develop any strong emotions for the OM. I was basically just treating him like an object or plaything; in a perverse way, this let me compartmentalize my affair as just fun and not as harmful since I wasn't planning on leaving and knew my husband was much better for me in many ways.

My husband and I have some compatibility issues that we worked through. Conversation style and general approach to decisions. My husband is very intelligent and loves to discuss anything in depth; I tend to just keep things at surface level. Yes we are still filling out the inventory and I would say my husband has been meeting needs for me and doesn't have any annoying habits and doesn't do many love busters.

My husband and I have sex about twice a week for about 1-2 hours each time and I always felt more than satisfied with that. My husband was satisfied with that as well I thought. He said he was until the affair. For him he said he would want it almost daily for 2-4 hours but chalked up the difference to him being a man and didn't feel the need to push me as he said many guys are lucky to get sex twice a month.

I am in love with my husband and I don't know how to give him what he is missing. He doesn't want me to just give him more sex frequently out of obligation. He says he wants to feel wanted like the OM was wanted. He feels hurt that I could desire to be with and give the OM so much more of myself without him having to meet any missing needs. It makes him feel like my love is in spite of my lack of desire for him. I do desire my husband when I see him with our kids, the way he has always treated me and been there for me especially pre-marriage I was in a really bad place and he was the only friend I had at the time.

He says he wants the part of me that apparently can just want a man after talking for a few hours and then proceeding to just focus on sex multiple times a week. He says he feels frustrated because the reasons I love him don't seem to bring about the same physical response in me and he is tired of getting scraps and basically being valued as a good father, partner, and provider only.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Did you ever find your H attractive? When you were first together?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 4
D
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
D
Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 4
BrainHurts:

I never found my husband physically attractive.

When we met it was in college and were in the same friend group. Then one semester most of them moved on and I didn't have anyone. He was there and always willing to hang out with me. I knew he liked me and it actually bothered me. I wanted just a friend and he was that till I drunkenly decided to give him a kiss and then it was like I was trapped in a relationship I didn't want. I broke up with him on two different occasions (once for a year and actually moved away) and each time I got angry because he couldn't just be my friend.

Each time we broke up I would find myself in trouble and alone -- and would try getting back with him as I did like him as a friend almost like an older brother. We eventually got pregnant and married because of it. Once married some things did improve significantly; I honestly appreciated him for many things such as his intellect, work ethic, character, and he was/is a wonderful father. So much so that my lack of physical attraction seemed to not matter to me much anymore.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by DayTripper
We have both read Surviving an Affair along with most of the material on the website. We also did phone coaching for 10 sessions as well as individual counseling and couples counseling.
.
'
Who did you coach with? What was the objective of all this counseling?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by DayTripper
Once married some things did improve significantly; I honestly appreciated him for many things such as his intellect, work ethic, character, and he was/is a wonderful father. So much so that my lack of physical attraction seemed to not matter to me much anymore..

One important thing to understand is that people don't fall in love when only one need is met. It takes 4-5 top needs to create romantic love. We have numerous examples of men whose top need was physical attractiveness who did fall back in love with a wife they did not feel physically attracted to. The reason is because she met the other intimate emotional needs very well.

With women, sexual desire is driven by emotional attachment and the prospect of enjoyment. In other words, physical passion can be created if he learns to do a good job meeting your intimate emotional needs.

Quote
The backstory of the affair is that I started a part-time job in town and a new co-worker invited me to the gym and then for a girl's night. My husband was happy for me to make a friend, so I encouraged it. After the gym and dinner, we went to a tavern in the next town and at some point my married co-worker was talking to two younger guys (both 24). She brought them over and said they wanted to buy us a drink. I realized my ring was still in my gym bag and I don't fully know why I didn't say I was married -- if I'm honest I probably was enjoying the attention and my co-worker had said we both were divorced. I wasn't drinking that night so I had a coke. After a couple of hours we were getting ready to leave and the OM gave me his number again I should have said something -- instead, I just took the number and said thank you.

This reads like a person who was trolling for action. You took off your wedding ring, went to a bar with a friend, lied about being married and flirted with kids. None of this happened by accident. Is this your first affair?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 4
S
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by DayTripper
BrainHurts:

I never found my husband physically attractive....

He was there and always willing to hang out with me....

Each time we broke up I would find myself in trouble and alone -- and would try getting back with him as I did like him as a friend almost like an older brother. .

Hi DayTripper

I'm a long, long time lurker here. Usually don't have much to say as there are lots of smart folks around here. That said, your story struck a chord with me. I know a little about what your Husband is going through. From my own experience (which while different has some key similarities), I have to let you know that it takes a special kind of guy to be "ok" with finding out his wife chose to marry him as an act of "settling" for what she could get... and it seems clear to me that's what you did. The situation of not being attracted to him is not something you just shrug off with a "That's just who I am" kind of reaction while expecting positive results. Before my former WW (RIP) had her A (4yrs into our marriage), I'd long since figured out she'd "settled" by marrying me. Part of me figuring her out was indeed her "passion" regarding sex... huge red flag. Oh sure, she loved me as a good dad and provider for the family, and that grew over time. However, while that's real nice, I'm not kidding when I say I can count on 1 hand with 1 finger the number of times she acted like she was sexually attracted to me... and that's a bummer. Our sex life was great, we got marred WAY too soon, then she pretty much toned it way, way down. Heck, she had me thinking it was normal to be 20, newly married, and having relations once a week if I was lucky. Yes, I was stupid early on when I met her. I was head over heels for this gal who sort kept me at arms length, so it's not all her fault. However, over time, I woke up. Her A was a big part of my waking but it's not like I hadn't noticed lots peculiar clues. So, what I'm getting to is, I can assure you, you're husband lives with a persistent, nagging, ego-deflating suggestion that deep-down, he just doesn't, and isn't going to, satisfy you. You throwing an A into the mix pretty much confirms this in his mind (along with other things I'm sure). Sounds to me like he wants to be your husband AND your "play-thing", which IMHO isn't really too much for a husband to ask.

Wrote you this note because with all the descriptions and explanations in your post, I got the feeling you were kinda missing the obvious. Really, hope you can work it out.

Joined: Jul 2021
Posts: 1
T
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Jul 2021
Posts: 1
Hello,

I realize that I am commenting on a post that's over a year old and the originator will most likely never see this. I'm new to this site and this is my time ever posting or commenting on anything.

I wanted to thank you. Thank you for sharing your story. Your story hits close to home for me because the pain that you describe your husband went through is so similar to mine. Thank you for having a good understanding of the pain that your husband has felt. I wish my ex wife would have been aware of my depth of pain as well as you were with your husband's. If she had, it might have been able to salvage what was left of a broken husband and possibly would've been able to build something new and better.

If you do happen to read this, I would love to hear what life has been like for you since you posted your story, as well as life for your husband.

Feel free to send a private message if you're not comfortable posting publicly.

Respectfully,
Mike



TheBroken

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,079 guests, and 45 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5