New to this so I'm hoping to find help. A little about me and my marriage, I met my wife 12 years ago through a friend and we hit it off right away. I had a family member who was having major health problems and she was beyond helpful. As our relationship blossomed we moved in together bought a dog and made many happy memories. Our wedding had 300 guests and was Fantastic. We bought our first home and decided last year it was time to have a baby. My wife found out she has a rare condition where it's hard to get pregnant so we decided to visit a fertility Dr and pay 10k for treatments.

We tried 3 times and no success, my wife began acting odd, staying out late at night not answering my calls or texts. I asked her if everything was OK and she said she was busy with work stuff so that's why she doesn't answer. Then she tells me she doesn't think she wants a baby. Isn't happy with herself and if she's not happy with herself she can't be happy with me.

Then I found out through a co worker that she started a relationship with another man. Guy was even friendly with me and we were Facebook friends. He began posting things about how much he loves his new secret girlfriend and this led me to confront her big time. She denied it all. I spilled the info to her parents who she lied to and continues to lie to. It's even begun to affect her friendship with her best friend.

She hides the whole relationship to this day swears nothing is going on. Guards her phone religiously and spends weekends with new friends I've never met or seen before. (Knowing that there is no new friends it's just him)

It's been going on for 5 months and we are heading into month 6 now.

She has zero intrest in divorce and has made that very clear she just says she's depressed and I have to give her space.

I just want my wife back... I don't know why this happened I'm a good man, I was raised good. I take care of her and don't control her. Besides all this I've had zero physical contact (besides a quick kiss) from my wife in 5 months.

Any advise would be greatly appreciated

Welcome to MB and sorry for what has brought you here.

Do you have proof of her affair? She will continue to lie and so you need to get the proof and then properly expose.

Can you get spyware on her devices or pay a PI to get the evidence?

Do not tell your wife about this place. Have you read anything on this site? Please read about the basic concepts.

I have proof of it only when it started. Managed to get ahold of her phone. All kinds of "boyfriend/girlfriend" pictures, holding hands, snapchat screenshots of their love for one another. All this was shown to not only her but also when I exposed it to her family. Only problem was since that happened she has everything locked up tight so I can't access any of it anymore.

Johnmark; the bad news is that the road to recovery from an affair is narrow and arduous. The good news is that it can make your marriage better than it was before. You do not have children together so it can sometimes be better to start again but the fact that she does not want to end the marriage means that she will be willing to work on it.

There are three stages:

The first is exposure (the stick). That does not mean just telling her parents. It means a tsunami of exposure of the affair all at the same time to everyone in both your families and to the firm she works for if this is a workplace affair. The exposure is not revenge, it is to take the thrill of secrecy away and also to help monitor recovery. Affairs, as you have discovered are as addictive as heroin. That is why Brainy asked about proof. You will need that to show that the affair is sexual which she will of course deny. We will help you with this.

The second is to be the best husband you can be (the carrot) so that you compare favorably against bf. Most are willing to dump a married woman once it gets complicated, especially if they themselves are married. Be aware that Dr Harley has found that those who co-habited before marriage generally enter marriage with a 'mine and yours' mentality that is hard to change. Plenty of material on this site about how to become a team; the art of successful negotiation and how to use your recreational time to build your relationship. Do not expect your wayward wife to enter into this process, this is initially something you will have to do alone, at least until you are in the recovery phase.

The third is to move. You cannot risk a chance encounter between your WW and scumbag even once your marriage has recovered. That would be like the drunk walking into a bar 'just one more time'. You also need to be able to monitor her without her knowledge. Both of you should have the other's passwords to phones, computers etc. We are all hardwired to have affairs in the right circumstances and it is far better to catch this stuff early. A tracking device in the car can be very effective, you might want to consider that now as well as a voice activated recorder hidden under the passenger seat, both installed secretly of course.

Best of luck to you and use us as a sounding board before you act. Plenty of people around here who have recovered their marriages.

I am a good husband, perhaps to good. Sorry to sound a little full of myself. Not only am I the bread winner and work to most out of the two of us I also do all the chores. Dishes, dinner, laundry, house cleaning, making the bed, repairs, cut the grass take out the garbage, make her lunch everyday, grocery shopping ect. My wife always gets the nothing but the best. I bought her a new car I drive the pickup with 300K miles on it. She gets the garage spot I get the street. I've always bent over backwards for my wife because that's what my own father does for my mother its how I was raised. I'm the listener of the bad days at work the one who draws her bath when she's down in the dumps.

As for exposure everyone at the workplace already knows. Believe it or not alot of her work mates expressed disapproval leading to the guy quiting. I would think by now after 5 months she would've wised up but I'm still dealing with this situation. As far as I can tell they text on regular basis throughout the day and night. Phone calls are placed while I'm not around. They see eachother about twice during the week for a few hours and then from morning to night on Sunday or Saturday.

By comparison I should be the better man. He has skipped out on his child support payments quite a few times. Works Part time with little money to show for it. Has an ex wife with whom he cheated on (when she found out she stabbed him, landed her on probation) he is dirty with around 3 full sets of clothes and he has poor hygiene with most of his teeth falling out due to not brushing. I could understand if he made 6 figures and looked like a underware model for Calvin klien. But he's ugly.

I don't get it I guess. I'm sure he's been to our home and seen the wonderful things we have including her new car our show car in the garage and the fact that my inlaws very wealthy. It's a peice of life he probably wants.

I will do my best to get this proof and re expose it. I've looked into a marriage counselor 3 months ago but no body will see me or us as a couple until the affair is over. They said if they do it while the affair is still going on it gives the impression of taking sides.

A year ago my marriage was solid (as far as I know) never in a million years would I predicted this to happen and it's beyond painful, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

It needs to be properly exposed. Not just through the rumor mill.

Please read Exposure 101

Do you want to save your marriage?

Johnmark; we can see that you are struggling. It must be a difficult and confusing time for you. Read up on some of the stories here to get an answer to the above. Everyone has emotional needs of which generally three are the top romantic needs necessary to fall in love. Read this Emotional needs. Whilst it is of course lovely that you do the chores and so on, those are not going to make her fall back in love with you. If they did, everyone would fall in love with their cook or cleaner! Did you buy a new car for her or because you wanted to? People who enjoy giving sometimes do not stop and think about whether they are giving the things that really matter. For example; it sounds as if your wife has a need for admiration. That is often the reason why people 'affair down'. She may also have intimate conversation in her top three (women generally do) which scumbag is doing a good job of meeting by chatting and texting her.


Good that her workmates disapprove and good that they chased him out but the workplace needs to hear from you, otherwise they will assume either that you do not know or that you do not care. Exposure needs to also be done to his family, her family and yours. You can break up the affair if the families support you so ask them to.


Wised up to what? She is enjoying the attention. You are not stopping her. You need to both tell her you are unhappy about what she is doing and find interesting things to do together. Those do not need to cost money but they do need to be the things SHE wants to do. For example, I enjoy repairing things. I love it when my husband helps, he is kind, gentle and more careful than I am. So we save money by replacing broken parts on the oven, dishwasher etc and he deposits love units at the same time - what is not to like!


When I caught my ex-husband cheating (number 6), it was remarkable to me that they had all been fat and ugly. But I should not have been surprised; desperate women have admiration overload.


Ahha, she has rich parents. You definitely need them on your side. He needs a firm message that he will never be accepted into their family.


Your wife may be suffering from low self esteem/depression as a result of the failed IVF. Very difficult for a woman to struggle with infertility. Be there for her.