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#3015771 09/29/21 09:58 PM
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Hello. 

I have been married to my wife for 8 years. We have 2 boys. There's a difference of 14 years between us. I married her when she was 19. I was 33. When I met her... She was doing a lot of chatting with different guys, dressing sexy, etc... I just thought she's just young and curious. First 4 years of marriage we were long distance. She was in the Philippines. Now she's in UK for almost 4 years. March this year I found her home with a guy. She said nothing happen and we decided to fix our marriage. Now in September I caught her chatting the same guy on an unknown messenger. I started digging and she has been seeing him since March 2020. Also from digging I found out she's cheated on me prior to her coming to the UK, after we had our first boy. As far as I know, she cheated on me for 8 years, except the times she was pregnant. She still likes dressing sexy and posting sexy stuff on social media. I have read a lot... And apparently she is a narcissist and a habitual cheater. 

I never cheated on her. I love her a lot, and love my boys. I asked her to take couple counselling with me. She refused. All I found out I had to dig on my own. She never opened and she was never honest to me, even after she got caught. 

Can I hope she will ever change? Am I fighting for a lost cause? 

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I'm sorry for what brought you here. I was married for many years to a serial cheater. Like you, I only discovered the pattern once I started digging. There were promises of change followed by a relapse 6 months later.

Dr Harley told me that the only way to stay married to a serial cheater is to be with him/her 24 hours a day, they can never ever be trusted. They are addicted to the chase; it gives them an adrenalin rush. The typical cheater, by contrast, falls into an affair by accident.

The serial cheater can never be permitted access to social media or have any unmonitored contact. That would be like an ex-alcoholic going to bars.

But the first thing to establish is whether she is, in fact, a serial cheater. Is it possible that this has been the same person throughout? If so, you have a much simpler task on your hands and we can help you. Your marriage had a rough start but with young children it is always worth fighting to save it if you can.


3 adult children
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Now remarried, thank you MB
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Welcome to MB. I'm sorry to hear about the events in your marriage.

Originally Posted by AlexUK79
I asked her to take couple counselling with me. She refused. All I found out I had to dig on my own. She never opened and she was never honest to me, even after she got caught. 

Can I hope she will ever change? Am I fighting for a lost cause? 
You can hope that she will change, but why on earth would you do so? What is she doing to give you grounds for hope?


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It was the same person. And a guy she knew. The only guy she knew in UK. They were chatting before I met her 9 years ago. Then the guy found out about her being with me and blocked her on fb. Years passed by, she moved to UK and we live 50km away from that guy. So she looked him up and they took off where they left. She's blaming me for not giving her enough attention.
Another thing is that I found a most intriguing conversation on messenger. Some guy chatted her up and told her he's married but looking for an adventure with her. She did not even asked for a picture with the guy. She just blocked him.
She told me she is willing for us to move further away from this guy she's been seeing, but what concerns me the most is the length of their affair and the fact that she's still trying to cover up the whole thing and keeps lying about it. Also she refuses to seek help. Also she made no promise that she will not contact him again....

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Originally Posted by SugarCane
Welcome to MB. I'm sorry to hear about the events in your marriage.

 
You can hope that she will change, but why on earth would you do so? What is she doing to give you grounds for hope?[/quote]

She's not giving me hope. She doesn't care if I stay or go. She said I can do whatever I like. I'm trying to give me hope. I grew up without a father, and I do not wish the same for my children....

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Originally Posted by AlexUK79
She's not giving me hope. She doesn't care if I stay or go. She said I can do whatever I like. I'm trying to give me hope. I grew up without a father, and I do not wish the same for my children...
OK, but if you stay for the children, your marriage won't change at all. She has told you she doesn't care about you. Are you willing to stay and live with her cheating?


BW
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Originally Posted by AlexUK79
She's not giving me hope. She doesn't care if I stay or go. She said I can do whatever I like. I'm trying to give me hope.
You have no grounds for hope with her behaviour and attitude,


BW
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Originally Posted by AlexUK79
I have been married to my wife for 8 years. We have 2 boys. There's a difference of 14 years between us. I married her when she was 19. I was 33. When I met her... She was doing a lot of chatting with different guys, dressing sexy, etc... I just thought she's just young and curious. First 4 years of marriage we were long distance. She was in the Philippines. Now she's in UK for almost 4 years. March this year I found her home with a guy. She said nothing happen and we decided to fix our marriage. Now in September I caught her chatting the same guy on an unknown messenger. I started digging and she has been seeing him since March 2020. Also from digging I found out she's cheated on me prior to her coming to the UK, after we had our first boy. As far as I know, she cheated on me for 8 years, except the times she was pregnant. She still likes dressing sexy and posting sexy stuff on social media. I have read a lot... And apparently she is a narcissist and a habitual cheater. 
In what sense have you ever had a marriage?

You've lived apart for as long as you have lived together. She was involved with other men when you met and continued to be during the first four years when you were apart. She's been involved with someone all the four years she's been in the UK. She still sells sex on social media. She's still "a habitual cheater". She won't stop, and doesn't care what you think.

In what sense was this ever a marriage? What are you trying to save?


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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.




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