Found out my WW is a Serial Cheater after she gave birth to OC. Currently her Step-Aunt is taking care of OC while we work things out. I've showed my WW this website and she's since quit her job (where she met OM) and we're currently trying to work on spending more time with each other 24/7. We have a 4 year old daughter and so I'm trying my best to make this marriage work. What are some tips yall have had to monitor/manage a serial cheating spouse? So far I'm working on buying a (female orientated) store franchise for her to manage to keep her triggers to a minimum. I'm thinking about telling the future employees about her cheating addiction so they know what to look out for. And yes, we are in counselling.

Welcome to MB and sorry for what has brought you here. Good job on her quitting her job.

Do you know who the OM is? Did you know she was pregnant from an affair or were you under the impression it was yours? How did she facilitate the affair? How long have you been married?

Please read Serial Cheaters

Is your WW going to post here? Who all was the affair exposed to?

Please read Exposure 101

We've been married 4 years and I did not know of OM previously. Quite frankly if it wasn't for this website I would have already fought him, but NC is best. She met OM while teaching, where she met a lot of her prior OM's. She usually likes to chat men up then sleep with them. Fortunately they're mostly one night stands without a lot of emotional backing.

Currently she's a stay at home mom till I can finalize our franchising deal and the store is built. But I'm talking to her to go transparent with me tech-wise.

She won't post here, but because of OC's birth the affair has been exposed to her whole family. They're disappointed in her, yet never told me about her serial cheating history before we got married. I suspect this is why her step-aunt took in OC for the time being out of guilt. Furthermore I'm still unsure about raising OC considering we're not of the same race.

Did you post previously as Bogan?

I understand that you found out about the affair surrounding the OC because of the child's appearance, but how did you find out about the other affairs?

How many other men have there been since you were married?

How did her family know about the serial cheating before you were married? You wrote this:

What do you mean by "serial cheating history before we got married"? In what sense was she cheating back then?

Just looked at Bogan's post and seems like we have a similar problem I guess. My wife confessed to sleeping with at least 5 other men in the school district she works, with her latest OM probably being the father of OC. I sat down with my in-laws and her family over OC's birth, where my sister-in-law confirmed she slept around when they were younger. I wouldn't say I'm close to her, but I'm mad she never told me this after all the times we met before I married my wife.

I would say that it was never the job of your SIL to tell you about your wife's sexual history. That was your wife's duty alone.

How was your SIL to know that you didn't know about the history?

How was your SIL to know that you would find this history disturbing?

I think you should not be angry with her. The person that should have been radically honest with you was your wife. You should have known about each other's histories before marriage.

Now that you know that she has had several other men while you've been married, and has had an OC, why do you want to continue with the marriage? Hasn't this affected the way you feel about your wife? How can you be happy after this?

We have a 4 year old daughter and if Dr. Farley is right on his Serial Cheaters page, then my wife simply has a thrill for cheating and dodging getting caught for it. She's also been pretty remorseful and upfront with me about her struggles and triggers, so I'm keeping my divorce papers at bay if this retrospective behavior continues.

About OC (her affair child), I do want to know how others here have explained away their wife's OC to others. From what I've been hearing you may have to be open to people of your community over their existence and birth. But again, I'm still trying to do one thing at a time.

Well, that doesn't answer my question about why you want to continue the marriage - but that's okay. You don't have to answer to anyone here, as long as you are sure in your own mind.

I just want to point out that being "remorseful and upfront" are not reassurance for you in any way.

I'm curious. Did you just ask her about the serial cheating (perhaps after your SIL gave you more information) and then she just confessed? Why did she confess? The only thing you had evidence of was the affair that led to the child, because of the way the child looks. Why did she confess to anything else without proof?

I'm trying to unpick what you think about your wife's state of mind. It's quite unusual for a woman to get married and then have sex with other men all the way through. One affair with someone from work is quite common - we see it all the time here. Having random sex while "cheating and dodging" is something we rarely come across in a married woman with a child. Most women who want that thrill would not get married and risk the huge upset that comes on discovery. She could easily have lost her marriage to you. Did she somehow know that she would keep you if you found out?

It's also quite unusual to have a child and give it to someone else to look after, especially to save a marriage that she treated so casually. How did she come round to giving up her child? Did she do this for you? Did it seem hard for her to go through with it? Does she ever she the child? Isn't she broken-hearted? If not, doesn't that worry you?

This doesn't sound sane or stable to me. That's why I'm wondering why you want to stay with someone who has behaved like this. Have you thought of making an arrangement for you to have custody of your daughter, giving your wife the freedom that she seems to want? She's given up one child, after all.

I must say - I've never heard a married man refer to this attitude as "fortunate".

My in-laws suggested we give OC to her Step-Aunt since they knew we needed time to sort things out. This happened about a month ago. I managed to gain control over her phone when OC was still with us and found proof of the other OM's. I've since contacted the school district with evidence of her affairs (she quit beforehand) to destroy any further relationships with OM's. From the texts I found out she she slept sporadically with the 5 OM's after school at their houses. She was on birth control when she was intimate with me and the OM's.

I've asked what she was thinking about seeing these OM's WHILE married with our daughter at home, but she keeps breaking down and crying about how she "wasn't thinking" while being with the OM's at the time. I asked her can you even be monogamous, and why did her and her ex-husband get divorced (they had no children), and she said they cheated on each other.

For now we see OC nearly every day since her step-aunt lives nearby, and on weekends we keep him over. I'm not as bothered by him as much as my wife's thinking. She says she wants help, is making strides towards it and was honest about her serial cheating when I confronted her with the texts, but I still feel like I don't know the woman I married.

How has your counsellor helped you with this situation? How are they tackling your wife's serial cheating? What is their recommendation about the long-term care of the OC?

As far as OC goes they have inquired about another relative bringing him up, which my wife opposes. They've also suggested Dr. Farley's approach to raise OC, but I'm still mulling that over. I'm already trying to de-establish my paternity to the child in case of divorce (and child support) and when we do move away I don't know how I'm going to explain OC's existence to others. I looked on past threads here suggesting being honest to neighbors and acquaintances about an OC's origin, which is already embarrassing to me, but I would assume it is worse for my WW to admit to her infidelity and love child. That imo softens the strain.

When the councillor talked to my wife about her cheating, she said her bio mother had the same problem, and abandoned the family because of it. I've always known her biological mother left her father and that she was closer to her stepmother, but when I asked more about it she'd change the topic. Her triggers (she admits) are bars and being alone with men in a social settings too many times. MC recommended we spend more time together and that she avoid these triggers. When our store is up and running, I'm going to drive her to and from work. And I'm working on ways to track her new phone and laptop now that she has surrendered her old ones to me.

There is more than one issue raised in this last response, and each will take time to deal with thoroughly, so for now, I'm going back to the original question you raised, which is in the title of this thread.

If you haven't already done so, please try and read the whole of Dr Harley's article on Serial Cheaters. It is a long article packed full of information about different scenarios, but they all boil down to one thing:

For a marriage to succeed after serial cheating, the cheater must want to stop the cheating, because they want the marriage to thrive. In the end, the cheater has to agree to being monitored; they must surrender their independence because they WANT to end their cheating and rebuild their marriage. They must want their marriage far more than they want to continue their life of thrills and conquests.

The article suggests that you cannot imprison a serial cheater into a marriage where they absolutely cannot escape your surveillance. The result would not really be a marriage. Surveillance is necessary, but more is needed for the cheater who has spent years going out of their way to pick up thrills at every opportunity. The cheater needs internally to accept that they are in the grip of the thrill-seeking, and they must want this to stop because they can see how destructive their lifestyle has been.

I can't say whether your wife really feels like this, and I don't think that you can says so, either. Your wife's apparent remorse and sorrow is not a clue to her intentions. The question is: why would you take the chance that someone with her track record is determined to change? Leaving your own child out for a minute, why are you betting on your wife's honesty, when she has been so patently dishonest?

Please read the article and tell me whether you agree with my interpretation of it.

Thread locked. Please contact IrishGreen about the use of multiple aliases.