I OM does not want to leave his wife and kids for her, but he does not mind getting a bit of free nookie - especially since you haven't come into the picture (from his point of view) and he does not see you as a threat. You need to bring hell into his marriage and his life by telling his wife what he's been doing. He won't be so keen to keep in contact with your wife when his wife is threatening to change his life very much for the worse.
Also, it sound as if he might live relatively near to you. If so, for the marriage to be restored, you and your wife will need to move away. However, since your wife is unwilling to do anything you've asked her so far in terms of ending the affair, you'd do better to wait before you plan this. Moving house wile she still has phone contact would be pointless.
Your anger, though is the most serious impediment to your wife's recommitting to you. Without kids, there is no reason for her to want to risk your angry outbursts again.
What concrete steps are you taking to overcome your outbursts? Have you heard of a galvanised response meter?
Hello SugarCane,
They OM does live very close to us. Next town over.
WW has admitted to me that they had a physical as well as online sexual affair. She would leave work early to meet him the next town over and would be so close to our house that she could get back home at the normal time I would expect her. Nothing was amiss with her schedule.
The only tip off was how she was treating me and how distant our relationship was.
Both her and the OM worked together. Some time in spring 2020 he left and went to another company. She said after that he reached out to her over social media and they began an emotional friendship. WW said this did not turn sexual until later in the fall of 2020. I became suspicious in early June and finally caught her in October.
[quote=SugarCane] "The problem is that she wants privacy so that she can stay in contact with him. In fact, I'd say that the problem is that she does not want to commit to your marriage. "
Yes this has been a major concern of mine. She says shes "confused" and I am very saddened by the thought that she may not want to commit to the marriage.
- She's very much flying by her instincts and emotions. All she says to that end is " well I stayed didn't I ?" - instead of filing for divorce.
It's obviously a major soft spot for me and is a source of many arguments.
All contact has ceased with the OM ( that I am aware of ) but I fear she is keeping that door open
She constantly tells me she needs time to think and that I'm too impatient. It's very frustrating. There are signs that she does love me, I think she is really confused about her loss of passion for me and how distant our relationship has become.
I'm hoping I can at least get her to read "His Needs, Her Needs"
I've printed out a bunch of the questionnaires and plan on working with her on them this weekend
I am working on rebuilding trust with her. She still ( very understandably ) does not always feel safe even though I've shown a lot of improvement. We do hang out a lot together when at home and have been talking regularly.
I agree 100% on exposure with the OM's wife. I am now fairly confident I know her name and I have her info from linkedin. ( Just hope it's not his sister
I would prefer to meet her but I will try reaching her through her employer if I can't.
My anger issues have been my top priority. I am working on it daily and have not had a major outburst for over two weeks now. ( D-day was 10/11 )
I have adhd & I was taking an XR version of adderall that was also increasing my blood pressure. I'm off it now but I didn't realize it was affecting me that negatively. Combined with how angry this situation is, my anger was just boiling over. I was moving through the stages of grief violently
Currently I still routinely find myself frustrated by the whole thing but I am now able to focus and keep myself calm while understanding my culpability in neglecting my wife and my responsibilities as a husband.
It is now much easier for me to quickly recognize when I'm getting angry and to quickly focus on cooling down.
I am also reading a few anger management books ( Instant anger management, Walking through anger, and a few CBT books )
I will definitely check out that Anger management 101 link
I will also look into the galvanised response meter for anger management as well.
Thank You