I am writer1's husband (you can search her story here on MB.) To give a little background and history on MB, writer1 originally came to marriage builders 13 years ago, after an affair ended when our OC was a year old. Prior to this, I had had a long term (10-year) mostly emotional affair with an ex-girlfriend from high school.

Forward to the last three years, where I’ve had multiple affairs. First, I met a woman through social media in June of 2019 that turned physical by July. I stopped the affair once it was exposed via a text message to my wife after the affair partner and I had a heated text session the night before.

We, then, moved out of state and after a few months at my new job in April 2020, I started an emotional affair with a co-worker who was friendly and open to personal messaging that involved inappropriate conversation, and even inappropriate pictures sent via email. This affair ended by her not responding to my messages though I did in October (2021) reach out only to see if she was okay. She did reply back by guessing someone else. When I told her who it was, she said hello, I’ve not heard from her again and I’ve not reached back out to her.

Another affair started with a different former girlfriend from high school in May 2020. This started as a catch-up session via email, but the conversations turned inappropriate within a couple of weeks. We met and had physical relations twice (Nov 2020 and July 2021) in the year and a half period of time. I exposed the affair to my wife and haven’t contacted the affair partner, but only to send a “no contact” email to her and her husband. There have been other women whom I’ve had inappropriate conversations over the years. These instances have been met by the other party stating they weren’t interested in anything more than friendship. I’ve labeled myself a serial cheater because I am. I confessed all of this to my wife and we are working to reconcile our marriage.

Over the past five weeks, my wife and I are sharing more quality time together, we are reading the Harley’s books, and when we are able to afford it will seek counseling. I know there are safeguards that must be set in place and I am showing my wife that I’m open to all opportunities to strengthen our marriage.

I do not have any specific questions, but I am open to advice from the forum.

Welcome back.

I haven't had time yet to dig up your previous thread, but didn't you say all that about sharing quality time and strengthening your marriage the last time you were here?

Is this how it's going to be for writer1, that, after living your life as if you were not married and breaking her heart, you show up on the forum, say things that sound right, and then screw her over yet again?

Are you unable to control yourself?

Or do you just not care enough about hurting your wife?

Or is there some other cause of having affairs that we have not yet heard about, and that you alone are afflicted with?

What the heck is wrong with you?

When you were here before, I remember that posters were not convinced by the correct-sounding words that you wrote. They even took your wife to task about why she thought recovery from your serial cheating was possible, and she defended you.

You were a classic case of a man who has been busted once too often, and whose wife then insists that he posts on the forum. The wife takes the husband's willingness to post as a sign of his willingness to roll up his sleeves and learn about rebuilding a marriage.

But the husband doesn't actually display any such willingness. He was ordered to post, and so he posts, and that it - job done. He does not come back frequently to learn what to do day by day, or what to do when he is facing a dilemma. He might or might not have had any intention of really changing his behaviour, but once the immediate heat is off the marriage, and once he has posted as his wife demanded, that's it - he goes back to his normal life.

That was you, and some of us could see this coming. You registered here in August 2019 and soon disappeared, and in April 2020 you went back to your normal life. And my guess is that you're only here now because you were busted again and your wife made you come here.

You won't stick around, and you won't do the work. I hope your wife is seeing now what we could see two years ago.

Why stay married and continue to do this to her?

Why are you really here? Is it to pretend to show you care for her?

Is she going to come back to the boards?

That's concerning.

Yes it is. It's a frightful warning sign.

w1h, I didn't get any better until my wife told me I couldn't come home until I could guarantee her that it would never happen again. What would you recommend that your wife do in order to create a situation where you can't come home unless you can guarantee it will never happen again? Whatever that would be, that's my advice.

This is a warning for any lurkers who are reading.

This is what happens when you come to MB with a WS and embrace the warm and fuzzy stuff like "meeting EN's" and "spending UA time", and cut corners on the tough stuff. More affairs, more pain, and a more crippled marriage. The wayward just keeps getting better and better lying, gaslighting, and hiding his SSL (secret second life)....the BS just keeps getting beaten down further and further.

This serial cheating WS needs for starters:
1) poly
2) completely transparent lifestyle where he cannot carry on his SSL (no social media, probably no access to cell phone and internet without his BS present) ETC
3) a complete exposure by the BS to family and close friends who can help keep him accountable

However, he knows he can come here and say some nice things and that his BS will eventually back off and he can resume his normal activities.

You can NEVER listen to a wayward's flowery words - actions are all that matter.

Of course you don't have any questions, because you already know what the solution is; stop seeking affairs. You just really aren't interested in doing so, as evidenced by 2 additional affairs since the last time you guys resurfaced here the last time.

It's even in your own words here that you sought further affairs.... and the women stated they weren't interested. And THAT is the only reason there weren't more.

You haven't implemented any stronger personal boundaries. It's doubtful you are interested in doing so, it would interfere with your ability to get another affair going.


You are capable of stopping this. You just have no interest in doing so.

How? What's different THIS time? All I see is words and more nice sounding, empty words

Can you be specific about what those safeguards are? (Don't post anything about emotional needs. Those are not safeguards.)

Also, can you add in some guarantees for her about what will happen to protect and rescue her if you do this again?

These are not safegaurds.

What are you doing to make another affair impossible? What's different this time?

Be specific

There is nothing to unpack. This is just code for "I'll say I'm thinking about it, while not doing anything." I know because I used to pull the same stunt. For two years here at MB I said I was "working on it," which was code for doing nothing.

For example, there's literally zero to unpack here:

What's to unpack? Just tell us when it's going to happen.


"daily commitment" is not a safeguard. It'll take almost no time at all at MB to learn that. This is just you saying the very flowery things Susie is talking about.

You've been on here for days/hours - what does MB actually recommend you do in your situation? Find out.

Make a todo list of the things that have been recommended to you in this thread. Post this todo list to us with dates as to when those things are going to happen. Don't give us baloney about how you're "unpacking" it. You've had over a decade to unpack.

How come when I said "don't post anything about emotional needs" you posted a bunch of stuff aut emotional needs and called it "safeguards"? Saying I love you is not a safeguard, w1hubby. Helping with tasks is not a safeguard.

You need precautions that will prevent you from having an affair EVEN IF NOBODY IS MEETING EMOTIONAL NEEDS IN YOUR MARRIAGE. It will take very little to learn about this here.


What difference does that make? In the US divorce happens if one spouse wants it whether you accept it or not.

Let's see actions that will make a difference.


Where's your todo list?

These are flowery words. This is not a plan. These actions will weather nothing.

If you really are reading MB, you should know the answers to the questions.

You're not serious.

I apologize for not understanding your definition of safeguards, markos. When I said "unpack" here, it wasn't as a deflection. I meant that as I write this I've given my wife personal time to do things she wants to do (read, write) since she's been uber-focused on me since I've told her of my affair five weeks ago. When she is finished with personal time, her and I will sit down and discuss that which is on this thread and make that to-do list. Please know that I totally respect your words and thoughts here, but I think working with my wife would be best.

Do not apologize to me. I'm not hurt, and I'm not the one you're going to hurt if you don't do this.

Don't try to look for my definitions, either. This is Marriage Builders. Learn Dr. Harley's definitions.


This isn't my first rodeo, w1hubby. I think I'm better equipped than you to know when you're deflecting.

Where's your todo list?


None of this has anything to do with you making the todo list. You don't need to wait for your wife to do ANYTHING before you go through this thread and make a list of the things that we have recommended that you do.

Go through this thread and make a list of the things that you've been advised to do. Post that list to us with dates as to when you will get these things done.


Knock it off. Your wife wants you to read here, right? Well, read here and make a list of things we've said, to prove you're listening. Get after it, let's see it TODAY.

For example:


You're a big boy and can read through this thread a second time without your wife holding your hand. This recovery is not dependent on her; it is dependent on YOU. Prove that you're going to act on the words we've spoken to you rather than flushing them down the toilet and forgetting them after you've replied to them.

If you can't even read through this thread a second time, you are not going to make it and should just give your wife money for a lawyer to file for divorce now.

Can you prove that you're not forgetting our words as soon as you've replied to them? Or are you going to give us more 💩 ?

Todo list. Today.

[/quote]

No offense, but my post was not for you. It was for lurkers who may be reading and be hearing similar language from their own WS.

I don't see anything you have posted but stalling and (no offense again) fluff.

NOTE: (and I know that you know this already): There is no need to move to the EN/UA part of the program when you won't even protect your BW from more affairs. I don't see any protection here. Nada.

Um, no. Don't put this on her.

It would most certainly be easier than working with us. She's much easier to gaslight than we are!

You got that todo list?

Prove us wrong.

w1, what's with telling your wife that you are being "attacked"? We are on your side and telling you the things you need to do in order to make things better, the things that have worked for every formerly wayward husband or wife ever on this site.

So...

Rather than hiding behind your wife, read through this thread again now (before it gets any longer) and make a list of the things we've said you need to do, and post the list, along with dates as to when you think these things will be done.

Come on!

[quote=Prisca]You got that todo list?
Yes I do!
I'm taking this from: HOW TO SURVIVE AN AFFAIR, Willard F. Harley, Jr., PhD
A reprint of chapter 13 of His Needs, Her Needs (2011 Edition)
1. End the Affair - Status: Done - I have no other affair partners and have told my wife about all physical and emotional affairs. I have told my wife about inappropriate relationships and conversations.
2. Create Transparency - Status: Continuing - I discontinued any hidden or secret second life - guarding myself from temptation since I know it will create more intimacy and compatibility together. Following the policy of radical honesty. I've given my wife all access to my electronic devices, text, phone, computer history. My wife has a 24-hour access to the places I go when we are not together. I am unemployed right now and my wife works at home, so we see each other quite a bit during the day. If I go back to work in an office, I will check-in with her several times a day via email, text, and calls. If I go back to work online at home, I will check in several times during the day.
3. Meet Each Other's Basic Emotional Needs - Status: Continuing - We are working together on this. We are reading together which is providing more insight into how we can provide even more support to each other.[ - /quote]

**Edit** - I just finished the first of the videos and will be taking notes on these and the books as well.

Thank you for all your motivating words - a bit difficult to read at times, but I know your hearts mean well.

Here's a full checklist from Dr. Harley's book. The point of the following is to eliminate as much as possible any way a wayward spouse could be tempted. Your life becomes an open book and you spend all your time together.

Have you exposed your lifestyle to some people in your life who can hold you accountable?

"The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends."

Thank you so much for this, LWFH!
We haven't gotten to that portion of the book, but we have reviewed these and have either checked them off the list or in process of doing so.
Thank you again.

How about copy/paste the checklist and share with the forum what has been checked and what needs to be adressed. It might help you get organized and held accountable for what you still need to adress. MB is action oriented, hence the checklist.

Per your request, LWFH!!

What does the I stand for?

Those were things my husband felt were “in-process” though they have mostly been taken care of.

1. He was unable to change his phone number because he was applying to jobs and that was the number he had put on multiple applications and it would be basically impossible for potential employers to contact him if he got a new number, so he blocked the OW’s number. He closed all email accounts except for one, which isn’t an email he used to contact her, and I have access to this including passwords. I also have full access to his phone, call records, text messages, etc.

2. I consider this one done, but since it isn’t in writing, maybe that’s why he listed it in progress? My husband has been unemployed and I work from home, so we both know each other’s schedule and what the other is doing since we’re together 24/7.

3. My husband still has an account my name isn’t on but was unable to close it because that is where his unemployment checks were being deposited and we were afraid trying to change it would cause a disruption because… government. His bank is being consolidated with another bank so he couldn’t add my name to the account or make any changes to it at all during the transition without closing the account and opening a new one, but that would have caused the same issues with the unemployment. But that is being solved because he starts a new job Monday! So relieved and excited. So that account will be closed and we’ll just have a joint account with both our names on it.

Wonderful news writer!