There truly is a first time for everything.
I have been dealing with depression on and off for the last 20+ years. I have been married twice before and I ended those marriages. I have been married to the love of my life of the last 13+ years. I adopted the kids when they were young and we have had a pretty good life. I have had a few difficulties….got sucker punched by my B-in-law, my F-in-law owns the company but did nothing. I did see it coming though….he fought with two other people but F-in-Law never did anything. Shortly after that, I had a meltdown and took pills. I was asked to leave our house at that point. We worked it out, kind of. I ended up cheating with someone that I didn’t really like at all. Meds? Stress? My wife has a heart of gold and we worked through it. Then I think we hit bottom. I had to fly out for business and left a few days early to visit my child who wasn’t happy. My wife suggested that I not go bc I was going to crash. The time with my daughter was ok, but I felt distant. Then the night before I was to fly to my business meeting I started crashing. I got upset with my wife, made a rude comment to my daughter, and while sitting in the airport, misunderstood a text from my wife and went over the edge. She had mis-texted me something and it read like she didn’t want to be with me anymore. At that moment, I lost everything that mattered to me, my wife and kids. I nearly got through that day and half the next before I started popping pills. After phone calls from my wife and family, I was able to get to a point where I could fly out, but not home. My wife didn’t feel safe, so I went with family.
My wife won’t talk to me, my kids won’t talk to me. She told me that she doesn’t want a divorce, but she can’t stay married like this.
I eat lunch with my wife every day. I love my kids. We work our butts off….two jobs each and moving a child around for sports. I know we had arguments. I wasn’t as close as she wanted me to be. I thought we enjoyed being together. I sent her a loving text message every morning and if something came up and I was slow to do it, she noticed. How can it be like this? Do I deserve it? I know that I will do anything to get my family back. Anything! Is it too late?
FYI…..people say that suicide is a selfish act, I can see it that way when I am not depressed. When you fall into that hole of depression, things aren’t that logical. The sense of loss for me was all encompassing. When I was in that experience, I was doing everything I could to not feel that sense of loss/depression.
I want to be a better person and do whatever it takes to be with my family.