Been a crazy 4 months, I don't even really know where to start. I did the things you shouldn't, like begging and pleading to fix things and was so emotionally devastated that I was so easily manipulated.
Wife and I had been together nearly 13 years at this point, married almost 10 and have 4 kids(2 step children of hers, 1 mine and 1 together). She sent the step daughter from her previous marriage back to her father, something that was always a HELL NO before, and the other 3 are living with me in our home(Step son is her first born, father never in picture).

Our marriage wasn't perfect, nobody's is but there was no abuse or major issues. My wife was injured 3 years ago and out of work during this time with no income, I did my best to spend as much time and money as I could on things for her to keep her from losing it, but it's like it was never enough...complaints about not spending money we didn't have etc
I paid to get her real estate license in November last year so she could do something new for work, as returning to her old job was not physically possible yet. She winds up making some pretty toxic friends in this circle, and doesn't talk to the friends she's had for years much if at all anymore.

Find out in April she's been talking to some guy online, and some snooping I did it was inappropriate. I asked her to stop and at first I got "We're just friends, I can have male friends", asking again got me "Ok I'm not talking to him anymore"...stupid me.
May comes around and on a night out with these friends, comes home and tells me that it's over and she doesn't want to be married anymore, and had had a long talk with one of these new girlfriends for advice.
I broke down, asking why as things had seem to be going well and even improving on things she said she needed. She answers that she just isn't happy and wants to be happy. That's it, that's all she would ever give for an answer. I told her it must have something to do with the guy she was talking to, which she denies and says she hasn't been talking to him.

I contacted her mother, as we'd been fairly close(I'm not close with my family) and explain everything and ask for help. Wife will not talk to anyone, and winds up cutting contact with mother, father and sister who are telling her to stop what she's doing and work on her marriage. She yells at them that everyone is on my side and they can **** off etc. This contact is cut for a month after this.
She throughout the next month goes from being fairly decent at times, to screaming at me in person or over text/email that she wants a divorce and that I need to just move on.

Fast forward a month after me still trying to convince her to work on things, all while she had no plan on what she was going to do, she's trying to force me to sell our house and I finally concede. House is listed for only a week before she changes her mind telling me to stay here with the kids, during that time I had caught her out on a date with this guy, and had been withdrawing cash for makeup and hair getting done(She never wears makeup) and other things, and I confront her on it as her wanting to end things is because of this guy, not being "unhappy", she denies it and says "We aren't together, so I can do whatever I want". Another date weeks later has her sleeping with him, to which she confessed to me later on when we are working on things.
Decides she is going to move to the city in August and get an apartment there and has found a new job to pay for it.

I wind up going No Contact with her still living in the house for weeks, and she sends me apology emails and texts, and then tells me she still loves me but she doesn't know what she wants, and she's confused but willing to go to couples therapy and tells the kids we are going to work on things, but no promises. Is more affectionate and sleeping in the same bed with me at this point, but still kind of withdrawn. I tell her we can't work on things if she moves out, and she gives me a speech about how we need to learn to trust eachother again and bring the spark back etc...and I stupidly go along with it at the time.
We spend roughly 2 weeks like this, have a couple date nights and I help her move to her new apartment August 1st, and spend the next 3 days mostly there with her watching movies and helping her set up and shop etc, with her keeping me around for dinner and coffee etc rather than sending me home.

I leave after that point as I have work that week, and we're talking over text often and making plans for another date night and she's telling me how she's reading that we should have a timeline for her to move home etc, but over the next few days she starts being negative saying she doesn't think it's going to work and she can't get back to where she needs to be etc.
I at that point feel I've been led on and I start to realize that this guy is probably back talking to her again if not them seeing eachother. This is confirmed when my daughter shows me a snapchat post my wife had made that is blatantly pointing to her having been out on a date with someone. I confront her on it and our texts go downhill from there, with her back to slinging negativity and telling me "You know we're not together, it's none of your business" but also lying to me that she isn't seeing him(I got confirmation via a friend that doesn't agree with what she's doing, and that it is him, but doesn't want to get involved).

I make the angry mistake of telling her that I'm fed up with her leading me and the kids on, and that I want a divorce now based on adultery, and at this point I had already found out who this man is and had earlier contacted him and told him to leave my wife alone via FB, and that if need be I would name him in papers.
Something she had done to manipulate me throughout this was threaten to tell a lawyer I hit her, or have charges pressed...which in 13 years has never happened, but I guess exposing things at this point was enough to push her to do it. I now have to defend myself against false accusations, but thankfully have numerous threats of her doing so when she didn't get her way in the form of emails and texts.

I wish I had exposed this earlier, but she had hidden the OM so well it took me awhile to find out who he was, and have only recently found out who his family is and plan on exposing him to his parents. He is single with 3 kids of his own that don't live with him, works out of province most of the time and is the same age as me but totally doesn't fit what she's claimed she wanted from me to be happy...nor is he attractive at all, it just goes against her claims and affairing WAY down.

My post could be far far larger to give better detail, but I know I didn't handle things the best to try and get her to truly R and was manipulated big time right into causing her to blow up on me and hide him further.
Her own family says something is wrong with her, and feel she needs professional help, but can't get involved any more as she cuts contact off and won't listen to them at all.
I'm at a point now where I obviously need to stick to Plan B, but I plan on exposing OM to his parents and filing for custody and child support ASAP, as well as exclusive possession of our home. Her dad thinks I should still go ahead with filing for divorce as well, as he thinks it would scare her...she's cried before when I made mention of doing so prior to the blowup mentioned earlier, saying "Why can't you just wait the year while we're separated?".

I love this woman, she has never been unfaithful in the past for certain, and I want her to come back to her family...I know I can't make her do anything though.

Welcome to MB and sorry for what has brought you here.

Do you want to save the marriage? No one would fault you if you want to go straight to divorce.

I agree you should do a proper exposure. Who knows n OM’s side can you expose to? How did she meet this man? Was it through work?

Have you read the exposure thread?

Have you been tested for STD/I?

Please read Exposure 101 and tell us what your plan is on exposing.

Since you have his FB information get his contacts for later. Concentrate on his parents, family members and close friends.

His contacts are private, as are my wifes in order to hide eachother since family and friends know his name, they can't see him on her Facebook friends list...I had been given info to look up his parents and confirmed from posts that they are his parents. Nobody can seem to tell if he has siblings or close friends based on Facebook.
She met him online somehow and took things to Snapchat to communicate for awhile...where their messages would automatically disappear.
She considers having told me she wants to separate/divorce and that we're not together anymore, that she hasn't cheated. The affair started emotionally first...as far as I'm concerned she has and continues to.
She took it physical while still living here for over 2 months, and expected to continue sharing finances...I put a stop to that within a month, and we no longer share ANY finances.

I plan on messaging them and informing them their son got involved with a married woman who left her husband and kids, and that I am willing to forgive her and work on our marriage but that it needs to end.

I have not been STD tested, as I refused to sleep with her on finding out and hadn't since shortly after she decided to separate in May, she agreed to get tested during the few weeks she appeared to want to work things out, but things went south before I could find out the results.

I absolutely do want to save my marriage, this isn't who she is and never has been. I've been very willing to forgive from the start, and still am if she is willing to put in the work and mean it.

Please read the exposure thread and there are templates and a plan on when and who to expose to. You want to expose all on one day. In there you will ask them to put pressure on the APs to end the affair. If you follow the template it will show them that you’re doing it to save your marriage.

I will also link some threads where Dr. Harley recommends that BH (betrayed husband) confront OM (other man).

And she can say what she wants, but you were still married and she had an affair.

Have you told your children? What are their ages?

Please read Exposing to Children

Please read “I Encourage BHs to contact OM”

Who do you plan to expose to on your WW’s side and on OM’s side?

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

Do you have spyware on her devices so you can confirm if the affair is over?

Our children all know, they are 11 and two 17 year olds that still live with me. I have contacted the OM twice so far, they are ignored and told to my wife who just freaked out over it.

My wife's parents and her sister are aware of OM, and as stated before efforts to dissuade her fell on deaf ears and saw them blocked from communicating with her. They will no longer try to discuss our relationship with her in any way.
As stated before I will be contacting OM's parents, they're the only contacts I have been able to get info on.

No don't have the book

Can't have spyware on her devices, she no longer lives in the home and none of her belongings are here

So you can’t confirm if she’s still involved in the affair? Can you check your online phone bill to see if they are still in contact? Can you hire a PI to confirm?

So the only people you have left to expose to are OM’s parents? When will you be doing that?

I have confirmation via a friend of hers she is still seeing him.
Phone is not under my control, all finances are separate.
Exposing today

I exposed today to both of his parents, along the lines of exposing 101 but in my own words and asking for them to use their influence or that of close friends and family members to end it and that I was willing to forgive her.

She is going to absolutely snap when she finds out...I was scared to do it.

Good job! I know it’s scary, but it’s the best weapon to kill the affair.

What did they say?

Have your children tried to tell her to quit the affair?

How is your Plan A? Are you able to meet any of her needs? In Surviving an Affair there is a case of Jon and Sue that is very similar to your story. The BH ended up going into Plan B.

Have you started getting everything lined up to start Plan B? Here’s a good thread to read.

How to Plan B Correctly

Also while you decide what to do it would be a good ideas to email Dr. Harley. He will give such excellent advice.

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the broadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will receive a call to explain the procedure.

My step son is the only one who has spoken up to her about it, and she knows the kids know but does not care. Everything she has done is traumatizing enough I am NOT involving them any further at all.

I didn't know about this site when I had the opportunity to do plan A, but I tried working with her and being understanding about what had happened and give her what she asked for, all it got was me being manipulated and cake-eating...prior to false R and even after she had wanted to remain friends and even friends with benefits, I shut that down.

In case you missed it, my threat to expose got me hit with false charges in order to shut me up, something that had been threatened any time I didn't give in to her in some manner. There is no Plan A possibility at all anymore, I am barred from contact even if I wanted to, Plan B all the way at this point. If she wants to D it will be all on her to do so.

OM's parents have not replied yet, message has not been read by either yet, they could be at work.

What about my suggestion to write Dr. Harley?

Have you spoken to a lawyer yet?

I will consider it when I can think of what it is exactly I would want to ask, right now I'm waiting to see if OM's parents read and reply and if anything comes of it. I will know if it gets back to her for sure.

Will be speaking to a lawyer ASAP about custody and support

Where is this story of John and Sue by the way? Not something I can seem to find

It’s in the book “Surviving an Affair” by Dr Harley. Let me see if I can find other Plan B stories for BHs to link for you.

Have you seen Steps to Take to Survive Infidelity ?

At the very least, watch the video at the beginning.

I just purchased the ebook for Surviving an Affair

Good it’s a very easy and fast read and has a wealth of information. Let us know what you think.

There are similarities in the Jon and Sue story, but not the same at all. However there are so many signs of behavior that fits on her end.

She came and took the kids out for dinner Sunday night, and the kids told me she was crying on them in the parking lot of the restaurant.

She also told them that things were so much harder for her than she thought, that she's moving from her apartment to be a roommate with another woman(not AP, have confirmed this).

Parents of OM still haven't read my messages, they don't seem active often on FB. I contacted friends of theirs to hopefully get them to read sooner rather than later.

So are you still planning on starting Plan B? Have you had any contact with her? It sounds like maybe the affair is crumbling, but is she’s still in contact with OM then you can bet it is still on.

Can you find a phone number for OM’s parents and call them?

Again no, no contact with her, I would be breaching the no contact order from the charges she had falsely laid against me. Even still I wouldn't be contacting her at this point, it's been far easier on me emotionally and mentally to not do so. I don't get where the idea that Plan A is possible for Men for upwards of a year either, I would lose my mind.

I have never met this guy, she met him online...so don't even know any of his family, and I was only able to find out who his parents were with someone elses help. Still waiting for them or their friends to read my messages on Facebook, they're not very active users.

I lawyered up today for the purpose of getting custody of the kids and having her pay child support, ball is rolling.

Biggest problem with trying to contact people on Facebook, is messages get filtered as spam...I'm not sure I'll ever reach them

Can you look up their name to get their phone number to call them?

And yes Dr. Harley tells most BHs to Plan A up to a year and BWs up to 3 weeks. But he says everyone is different and if a BH feels they can’t do it for as long a year that he will give advice to shorten the Plan A time.

I tried looking them up to get phone numbers and no listings for them, so either unlisted or they only have cell phones.
Also found them on Instagram and sent messages there, which at least should give them a notification of it unlike Facebook...if they ever get on it again.

At this point I think I just have to just keep moving forward with the legal end for custody and support, stay dark with her and hope they see my message.

I sent off a Plan B letter today mainly along the lines of the sample but edited to fit the situation.

She has maintained that separation means she wasn't cheating or had started an affair, so it's likely to fall on deaf ears.
If she wasn't though, why would she feel the need to hide him from the world? Even when I first found out she demanded to know how I found out his name, because the only person that knew was this new toxic best friend according to her.

She is having an affair. She can spin it all she likes, but she is a married woman with children and she is having an affair.

Do you have an IM and a plan for children for pick up and drop offs to where you don’t see her at all?

Please read How to Plan B Correctly

Kids are old enough to arrange things themselves, 11 and two 17 year olds. There is no reason for her to contact me, even though she's kind of been back to relaying random messagea about things that don't matter at all via the kids, I'm strong enough to completely ignore them and I've informed the kids to tell her they will not relay messages anymore.

No IM, if things come round to needing one I will do that , but I don't need one as of yet.

Have you seen a lawyer yet?

Just getting the ball rolling with that, I have one but it isn't a quick process.

I have friends and family telling me the Plan B letter is a mistake and just gives her the idea that because I still love her she can keep doing what she's doing and just come back when it pleases her... because she knows I still care.

Can you post your Plan B letter so we can see?

Dr Harley's original Plan B letter in the book places the emphasis on the continued affair being too painful for the BS to endure, and that this is why contact must cease. There is a tone of great sorrow that it has come to this.

It does not convey the impression that the BS is saying that they will wait for the WS - and certainly not for as long as it takes. It does not give the WS permission to go off and have fun while the BS waits. It's much more a case of "if you ever think that you can put me first again, maybe we can talk".

I hope you didn't alter the letter to the extent that its tone was changed.

I'd rather not post it but 98% of it is still just like the sample, just some names added and a couple tweaks to wording to fit the situation.

I guess to me and others it kind of reads like she will know she's still getting to me and has some kind of control. Hopefully not...but what's done is done and I'm staying dark.

I don't see how it can read like that. How will she know she is getting to you (indeed, the way you write it, she can actually "get to you") or have any kind of control if you are dark?

Telling her I still love her and other wording, family says it just looks like it would make her think she's still got me on a hook and could reel me in at any time. I can see what they're saying...

It doesn't really matter whether she (or others) think that is the case. All that matters is that you have been clear that if there is to be any hope of reconciliation, her affair must end, and until that happens you will not be having any contact with her.

Should the affair end, and should she seek to discuss the continuation of your marriage, you will decide afresh at that point whether you can entertain the idea of recovery or not. If not, it will be much easier for you to end the marriage since you won't have had contact with her for some time. Whether she thinks she has you on a hook right now is irrelevant; all that matters is that you won't be in contact with her while the affair continues.

I suppose that makes sense enough, it has been far easier to have had no contact for a good month now...sanity preserved.

I so agree with SugarCane. If you’re in a dark Plan B and have absolutely no contact with her then she has no idea what you’re doing. If you break NC then she will of course think you are trying to have contact and this showing her you “are still on the hook”. That’s why it is so important for you to stay completely dark.

Yeah I'm staying dark...it's hard though, one day at a time.

Is it normal for a WS to get super cruel and vindictive during an A when they've never been like that before?

Same with acting like they're doing you a favor letting you go and telling just that and for you to move on?

Yes very much so and they will rewrite marital history to fit their narrative.

That’s why they say that it’s like an alien takes over the WS and is very different acting.

I can't believe she had the nerve after over a month to ask our son to talk to me on the phone today about something to do with my daughter and school.

I'd made it clear I wouldn't and my kids have told her they won't play messenger for her.
Wonder if she got my Plan B letter...should have yesterday or today in the mail.

The thought alone gave me anxiety and I just kept telling my son "No no no!"...uggh

If she wanted to talk to you about the 11 year-old, she might have had something legitimate to say. That is why Dr Harley recommends that you use an intermediary. Your wife would be told (in the Plan B letter) that she is only to try and reach you via the intermediary, and only for urgent, important issues. Your intermediary must be told what she wants to say and will only pass on messages that fit your "urgent" criterion - they filter out spam and nonsense. If she tries to ask what time the school concert begins, that message is not passed on. A message saying that your wife is ill and cannot get to school to do the pick-up would be passed on.

Indeed, your children should not play messenger for her, but without an intermediary, what happens when she has a legitimate reason for contacting you?

So will you be getting an IM now?

I may have to consider it, but she's moved a considerable distance away(hour drive) and barely sees them as it is, couple hours at a time a couple times now.

The requested talk was about the 17 year old, for something I'm already well aware of and handling(she was sick 2 days and school didn't handle the absence correctly).
I need to go in and change contact details with the school, I work 2 minutes down the road from school and they have no reason to contact her over me anymore, she was the primary contact and I secondary while together simply because she was always far more accessible. I've since changed my shift at work and am just as accessible now.

Not sure what legitimate reason she'd have given the situation, and I haven't bothered with an IM as a result, but if contact continues for things that are irrelevant or she should know full well she can't handle anyway I guess I may have to, thought the month without any at all would stay that way and I guess I was wrong.

I found myself an IM that has informed her that any contact goes through them now and is to only be about relevant things involving the kids such as when she plans to visit with them, and that she is not to communicate through the kids.

So she refuses to use IM and just tells the kids what her plans are, which she's cancelled anyway again recently.

She told a 3rd party though that she "doesn't love me anymore and wants a divorce ASAP by any means necessary".
She's well aware the only way to get that here before a year separated is by filing on grounds of adultery, which she flipped out about last time.

Good news though is I finally have an appointment in a week with my lawyer to get the ball rolling on custody and support.

Do your kids want to give you her messages or does it annoy them?

Glad you will see your lawyer.

They'll only tell me when she plans on coming to see them at this point, if there's been anything else they don't tell me anymore.

I think the no contact for months now has given me quite a bit of clarity, in that I'm done...I cannot put my kids through this again if she did come crawling back. The lies, the gaslighting, the bogus charges which btw were finally dropped thanks to the evidence I provided that I was told was the main consideration showing nothing but vindictive behaviour.

My love blinded me to everything she had been doing that caused our kids harm, and I foolishly even gave her a second chance and rug swept too much for it to even work.

While I was away for a week to try and defuse things back in June, she had tried alienating them from me by telling them I was abandoning them, that I was leaving because I wanted other women. Telling me to stay gone and to never speak to HER kids again. They didn't fall for any of it, I'd sat them all down and told them I was coming back and just trying to defuse things and cool things off.

Yelled and screamed at our oldest two when they left the home while I was gone, due to her behaviour after I'd left where the kids told me she just flipped out. Telling our oldest daughter that she was a whore because she had a boy pick her up with my permission to get her out of the situation, screaming at our son that he was "Leaving us just like your [censored] father" when he packed his bags to go stay with a friend.
The neglect while I was at work, not making any dinner for weeks on end and doing basically nothing with them or for them, while carrying on with her little boyfriend on her phone constantly or going out.

Taunting me in the home while our youngest was present about the OM where she could hear it, carrying on the phone in the home with OM where the kids could hear while I was at work, accusing ME of going out to see other women when I would go out to hang out with friends to preserve my sanity.

No, I'm done...the love is gone and the kids don't need shown that allowing yourself to be walked all over is ok. I'm leaving the divorce to her to file and pay for, I never wanted my marriage or family to implode so why should I file?
However on Wednesday I have my appointment with my lawyer, and a laundry list of horrible things she's done and said to or around the children during all of this, and will be pushing for sole custody.

Glad that the false charges were dropped. Is anything going to happen to her for filing false charges?

I understand the clarity you are having and that is one thing that Dr. Harley says, NC protects the BS from the continue abuse and pain the WS does.

Are you going to ask your lawyer if you should file or not? I understand that sometimes the first to file has some benefits to filing?

Do your kids want you to file for full custody?

I don't think anything will come of it against her for the charges but that wouldn't be up to me or even necessarily disclosed to me.

Can't file until a year separated unless for infidelity, and I can't be bothered fighting that or going through the hassle. There are no benefits, the only asset we share at this point is the house and I'll be putting that up for sale next year anyway and she can have her half.

The kids are aware I'm going for sole custody and understand why and agree, my intent is only to remove any avenue she has of being further vindictive in co-parenting.

My lawyer has proposed that she approaches stbxw with an agreement for sole physical custody and joint legal custody where if there is any disagreement I will have the final say.
This would keep things out of court if an agreement can be reached, which I would prefer and I wouldn't want things escalating to having to drag my children into any sort of trial.

Child support I have asked for what should amount to less than I would be entitled to, but financials will be requested either way.

Lawyer asked if I wanted her to handle the divorce when the years separation hits, as filing for adultery would be a serious uphill battle that she says practically nobody pursues. I will be leaving that to stbxw to file and pay for, she wanted it she pays for it.

I'm 50/50 on if I've got a war ahead of me with her or not, this is going to come as a total surprise when my lawyer contacts her, and a chance she goes off the deep end in anger.
I hope for our children's sake she just agrees to everything and handles her obligations as she should.