Hi Gang,<P> I recently told my W about this forum and asked her if she would be interested in reading things here and posting. Her response was that she felt it would be wrong for her to be here because I was also here and that this forum is more for the betrayed than for the betrayer. I tried to explain that this was not the case and cited examples of both here as well as other couples who both post here. <P>I have been thinking of E-mailing her this post with a few replies from some of the betrayers ( male and female ) explaining what makes you post and what you gain from this forum. Please don't hold back any thoughts you might have, I feel that everyone here is very honest about what they think and that for me is one of the gains I get from posting. Honest insight from others who have have already experienced things that I am experiencing.......<P>Thank you in advance for your thoughts<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

HI rutger, so nice to see you healing!! I am looking forward to getting to know your wife. <BR>Tell her to come on in, sit by the fire, take her shoes off, pour the wine. Happy to have you both! <BR>Maybe she can start with where the two of you are in recovery. That is pretty benign-nice smooth start.

Hello Rutger's wife,<P>I am a betrayer, and have the dubious honor of being one of the betrayed as well. I have been told that my words, as a betrayer, have helped many. I know that to hear "the other side of things" is very helpful to most. Many of the betrayed are trying to find hope, and reasons, for the betrayal. They can only get that from someone who has betrayed. Sad but true.<P>My H posts here too occasionally (his name is 3wishes)... and obviously he is also betrayer and betrayed. There are several couples who both post. I think it's a good idea, because the board gets both sides of the story and can better direct advice and suggestions to the couple. It's always easier to work on marriage together, you know??<P>Please know that you're welcome here!! <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

CL,<BR>Thank you for your reply. I guess I must clarify that we are not quite in recovery. We are merely communicating alot more than before and I thought it would be beneficial for her to come here. I will foreward your invitation, She does love a good fire <P>NB,<BR>Thanks for writing, My hope is that with replies like yours she will be more comfortable in the knowledge that she is not alone. Good luck to you and your Husband.<P>Thanks again......

Hiya Rutger and W<P>I'm a first marriage betrayer, then betrayed.<P>H (TotallyConfused) is a first marriage betrayed, then betrayer.<P>We're here in our new marriage to ensure that cycle is broken!! (or, heaven forbid, know how to handle the same situations better than the first time 'round)

my H (betrayer) has lurked here. while i can't say it was fun, i can say it spurred us to more honesty and sharing of feelings. i think it was good for both of us to see what the other was feeling, but at times it was difficult to face.<BR>good luck!<P>------------------<BR>for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part.<P><BR>

Dear Rutger and Mrs. Rutger,<P>I am the betrayed. <P>I have learned so very much from this forum. I have learned and been comforted by the betrayers as well as the betrayed. I appreciate the advise from both. It is good to be able to look at both sides.<P>I would love it if my husband would even lurk here. Alas he won't.<P>New Beginnings said it well. It is always easier, quicker and much better for the couple to work on the marriage together. This is a great place to start.<P>Eight almost nine months post discovery here and we are in recovery. If it hadn't been for this site (which I believe God directed me to) I don't know that we'd even be together. If he'd come here too I am sure we'd be farther in the process.<P>Please Mrs. Rutger, give it a chance. We are a pretty nice bunch here and at the very least interesting. I think you'll find you like it and everyone here has the same goal in mind...Marriage Building. <P>Come on and take the plunge. The waters fine!<P>Oh yeah, <B>WELCOME</B>!<P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

Hi Rutger (and wife) --<P>I'm a betrayer. I post here for two reasons.<BR>1) I get loads of support from very caring people.<BR>2) I sometimes help others in minute ways by sharing my experiences. It's very rewarding.<P>The first reason is, of course, the most important. It doesn't matter if one is betrayer or betrayed, the support you get here is trememdous and heart-warming.<P>--andy

Welcome...<P>I'm a betrayed, and proud of it... Just kidding. That's probably one of the reasons why I an here -- it gives me some feedback, some advice, and when I most need it, some laughs. It's filled with caring people who you can relate to in a first hand way. <P>It helps to talk with people who are going thru exactly what you're going thru. It helps to talk to people who are going through what you spouse is going through. After all, if you cannot understand the other side of the issue, you'll never be able to trully "fix" it.<P>When counseling is less that ideal, or when it leaves you with more questions than answers, the good folks here can give you a place to seek support. Occassionally, they provide tough love, sometimes sympathy, and occassionally an ear to simply vent your frustrations. It's equal opportunity where both sides of the issue (betrayers AND betrayed) can talk with support and without threat or fear.<P>-- keystone

You guys are great, thank you for all the responses....<P>Lucks,<BR>With the help I have seen here, I have no doubt that the cycle will be broken, thanks<P>Love was Blind,<BR>I agree, if anything it will spur better conversation about us. We are still working on being completely open to each other.<P>Samantha,<BR>Thank you for your kind invitation. I still am amazed at the kindness shown on this forum, Regardless of where you are in your marriage or what you have done. Good luck to you and your Husband.<P>Airheart,<BR>I agree, The support I have gotten during this has helped me a great deal. I don't think I would be as far along as I am if it weren't for all of you. Thanks<P>Keystone,<BR>I think you said it all, Especially when counseling is less than ideal. Which is the case for us right now. I know that this forum is like mini-counseling sessions. If nothing else, a sounding board for information and/or venting your frustrations. Thank you for your reply...<P>I thank you all for your support, I will now foreward this to my Wife in hopes that your words will make her feel at ease and that she may feel comfortable in coming here. Your invitations are greatly appreciated and I thank you for being honest and for helping me. I hope I can return the favor sometime soon...... For those of you who are seeing this late, Feel free to add your 2 cents. I am not quite sure when she will see this, I hope it will be this week sometime. Thanks again......<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

Mr & Mrs Rutger, I am a betrayed spouse and also a success story (so far! ) I have learnt so much since coming to this forum, too numerous subjects to list. The most important thing I think though, was forgiveness. This was especially hard for me to deal with in regards to the OW as she pretended to be my best friend and I truly had a hard time not only forgiving myself, her, and my H for the affair. Eventually through the help of the many people at this forum I gleaned little bits of information to help me through the whole recovery process. I don't know if this will help but I have found a much better relationship with my H now than at any other time in my life. I think it is in great deal a part of the time spent with the people at this forum. I only wish my H had the time to come on line and write, I think it would've helped our recovery along much more quickly! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>

Hi! All I have to say is if it weren't for this place, my husband and I would not be on the road to recovery. I am the betrayed. I was filled with so much anger when I came here, I thought I would explode. Now, it's mostly gone, and I have these guys to thank.

Chick,<BR>Thank you for your story. It makes me feel good to read about others who have been through this and are able to have a success story. I'm glad this site has help you. Keep coming back to give other hope, Sometimes that is all it takes to help others get through the day.<P>Hurtone,<BR>Thank you, I'm glad you and your Husband are doing well. I too had alot of anger and being able to vent here and get insight from others has helped.

Mrs R!<P>Welcome! I'm very new and I was terribly afraid that everyone would automatically hate me for what I've done. I'm the one that ruined my marriage...so I have thought. But I'm realizing now that it was a little of both of us. He really tried and I just gave up. I would love for him to come here and begin to see me for being truly sorrow and truly wanting to reconcile. I've learned in just a few days that I'm not judged for my past but I'm encouraged for my future. I hope that even if you don't want to post, just lurk and get to know some of the members. Right now I'm very overwhelmed with what is going on my life and hope one day soon I can help others in this forum. Take your time and take one day at a time. Come here for support....you'll get it!

Oh how I wish my H would have come here. I told him about it (months ago) and he often saw me posting, but he had no interest. I truly believe it would have helped him and our marriage.<BR><BR>Now I have the dubious honor of having gotten involved with a married man myself. So altho my H is apparently gone for good (so he tells me) I know both sides of the fence. If telling my story helps at all, then some good will come out of bad.<BR><BR>Good luck to you.