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Joined: May 1999
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Eric32,<P>I am happy for you that these principles are allowing you to divorce as friends. Unfortunately, in my case, it seems to have had the opposite effect. I think my H, too, was chronically unhappy. He is not willing to talk to me in person for more than a couple of minutes, he will not look me in the eye, he has distanced himself more and more. At least when he first left, and I was desparately trying to find out what went wrong, he would still talk to me, he would still show some emotion. Being "nice" to him, allowing him to feel "safe" has backfired terribly - it allows him not to deal with anything. I think my being nice to him is making him feel so guilty that he can not handle being with me at all. I think it was Distressed who said in another post that the only way they can handle their guilt is through not thinking about it, or getting angry, and I think that is exactly what he is doing. And no one can say that when one parent is unwilling to talk to the other, and insists on virtually all communication being only be email, that it is good for the children. <P>

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Sheryl, I guess I don't really belong here anymore. Except for the paper work, my marriage is over. I don't have the strength to even try anymore, and the waiting on H was killing me. Maybe somethings do just have to end.<BR><BR>Anyway, I have found much comfort in your postings. And I wish you the best in life.<BR><BR>Hugs, ATW

Joined: Oct 1999
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Sheryl, <P>If you are checking in, please see my post to you under my thread, Barely Alive....<P>Hope you are feeling a weight off today!!!!!!<P>Desiree

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I hate to see you go to.<BR>When someone as wonderful as you ends up in divorce. I know that there is no hope for me.<BR>I am so afraid that my marriage is not going to make it.<BR>My H doesn't know about the affair but, the guilt is eating away at me. He is a smart man and knows that i suffer terribly from guilt even if i try to please myself (master*******).<BR>He has been extremely nice lately and wants me to move home.<BR>I can't but I'd love to live in my house again.<BR>He still hasn't gotten counseling for his anger. <BR>This has caused me to become distant with the one i Love most God.<BR>Om will not leave me alone.(please God help)<BR>I don't know what to do?<BR>I'm sorry for my rambling on your good-bye page.<BR>God bless and Good luck<P>

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Sheryl,<BR>I really wish you'd reconsider leaving the forum. Yes, this site is named "Marriage Builders" but, as you have recognized and as some others have discovered,,,it's not always possible or the wisest choice. <P>I honestly agree with most of your post. However, you have made some real strong friendships here. Your decision to give up your attempt to save your marriage does not mean you have to surrender your friendships here. These friends still need you and you're going to need them too. With or without your H!! <P>There are many people on this forum to give hope and inspiration to those rebuilding their marriages. For those people that aren't able to do so, hope and guidance is also needed. Your sound advice, logic, care and compassion for all that are in this situation is needed. Perhaps you don't feel strong enough to do so now and I completely understand, if that's the case. But please consider returning if you are able to gain the strength to help those that find themselves in your shoes. Your words of wisdom are needed Sheryl,,if not as a "Marriage Builder" then at least as a "Marriage Survivor" [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Joined: Jul 1999
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Sheryl,<BR> I don't want to see you go, but if you think it's the best thing for you, then do it. However, you do have a lot of friends here. We didn't know each other well, but I consider you a friend who supports me and cheers me up. <P>I don't have time to post the sad story right now, but my marriage is down the tubes as of Friday, so I know a little of how you feel.<P>Stay with us if you can, or just pop in from time to time. We need you. Maybe we can help when you need it.<P>Hugs and my deepest appreciation.....

Joined: May 1999
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Sheryl,<BR> I don't make it here as much as I used to,but wanted to respond to your post.I guess some marriages don't have what it takes to survive anything,mine included.I thought we had a good marriage,but my W feels otherwise,and has moved on.After a while what's the point in beating yourself up,trying to save a marriage that just isn't there anymore?When I'm divorced,not sure if I'll ever marry again.If a wife of 22 years could do this to me,what's a wife of 5 or 10 years going to do?Lose her identity,dump me for somebody else,and walk away with half my retirement savings?I can't afford to take that chance,given the high failure rate of second marriages.But I know we'll come through this in one piece,other people have.I wanted to thank you for all responses to my posts,and hope you can find some happiness for yourself.Take care. --Murph

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I wish there was an icon that conveyed confusion!! Sheesh!!<P>I was going to come back this evening to just pull this thread up for the weekday-only folks, but I actually have a bit of news too... which of course, will be buried within this post... oh well, maybe it will just make ME feel better to write, so here goes...<P>My H has been praying about us. I wasn't really sure why, honestly. We've both been so hurt, so angry, and have gone back and forth about staying, leaving, staying, leaving. Anyway, he read what I posted here, and the responses. He certainly wasn't surprised, but he felt that he needed to explain some things to me. Here's what he told me: He said that he was close to suicide on Thursday night. I have begged him to find help, get some counseling, ANYthing. He won't do it. But he has been speaking with some Christian friends who have been praying with and for him. Anything that helps, of course, but I still wish he'd get some help. Thing is, these people have been praying, and my H feels that God has not given his final thoughts on whether this marriage should end or not. One of the things he (my H) is waiting on is an answer from the apartment managers where he'd found an apartment. He says that if it works out, he's moving and it's over, and if it doens't work out then God wants us to try again, which means he's putting the ring back on and trying again. <P>Can you sense the confusion at our house? What a royal mess!! <P>I look into this man's face and all I see is pain, and more pain, mostly caused by me. He can't make a final decision, is leaving it up to God, and if "God" says no, then I'm suppose to believe that we belong together, even though nothing has been resolved, he won't go to counseling, he can't forgive me, and we are both completely miserable. So, the decision falls on me. <P>I guess I belong here after all... at least until he hears from this apartment, because, let me tell ya, I can't make the decision right now. <P>I feel like the queen of the hypocrite parade!! I'm going nuts. <P>~Sheryl<P>------------------<BR>Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it you are among the stars!! <p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited November 22, 1999).]

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new_beginning -- You will always be welcome here. Your advice to all of us, myself included, is very valuable. If I can be of any help to you myself, please let me know.<P>Either way, you have my thoughts and prayers each and every day.<P>God Bless

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Hi NB -<P>Does your last post mean that I don't have to say good-bye? <P>Good, because I don't want to!!!<P>Your H is very depressed and does need counseling....maybe you can get those Christian friends of his to pray for that!!<P>Yes, life is definitely in a confusing and painful state for you two....but it is within you both to change the marriage for the better. <P>The trick is to get H to realize that he is keeping himself in the state that he's in..... I'd get some professional advice on how to get him to a counselor.<P>How about a family member or someone that he would listen to?<P>Oh, one other thing that I wanted to say was regarding what you said about going against yourself with the Honesty, etc.<P>This is so true.....when I was trying to be a b*#*ch to my H, I made myself physically ill.....I looked and felt like death!!!! It all ended after I stopped doing the things that went against myself and realized that all we CAN DO is find our solutions the best way that coincides with remaining true to ourselves.....<P>A very important lesson for me.<P>HUGS, STRENGTH AND PRAYERS to you both,<P>Sheba

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Just another curve and drop in the the rollercoaster ride. Just when we think we have it figured out the womething happens to confuse us even more. See my post H after 4 months contacted his parents. Now I feel I am back to square one. I mean nothing has changed but my emotions. But sometimes that is what hits us the hardest emotions. <P>I am sorry you are so confused and can't make a decision, but I for one am glad you are back. <P>------------------<BR>di<P>

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Sheryl: I wasn't going to respond because I didn't "see" in your post what you were saying. When you replied this last time I saw more what I thought.<P>It sounds to me like you still love each other but are stuck and don't know how to get past the point you are at. You have given up and are looking for something to guide you because you have lost the will to guide yourselves. This can actually be the best thing that could have happened. But I will suggest this, your H is looking for a sign from God in the way of this apartment. You are looking for the sign from your H. You both may never get a "sign". Give it to God and just let things happen as they will or I should say as HE will. I saw that part in your first post, starting to let go. But do not put your resolve to ending it, rather to growing in God for yourself, and the rest will fall in place, with you you and H together or apart. Who knows? God.<P>Good luck Sheryl, you are approaching the place where you'll finally find some answers.<P>Prayers for you, God bless.<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

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NB -- I nearly got chills when I read your post. Your feelings are so similar to mine. H and I are very friendly. I keep hoping for an unsolicited "I love you" or "I miss you". Doesn't happen. He also has beenc chronically unhappy and depressed. I understand your pain and know it is time for you to put all this in His hands. Heal yourself spiritually and physically. Maybe in time you guys will "find each other" again if there is love there. Don't go away from the forum unless you feel it drags you down. Your advice is always appreciated.

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NB:<P>The fat lady ain't singing yet, apparently.<P>Your initial post was right on the money, IMHO. I've long felt that knowing every gory detail can't possibly help with closure. Some things ARE best left unsaid.<P>Even if your marriage doesn't stay together, you still have learned a lot here and have a lot to offer. I hope you'll decide to lurk, if nothing else, and offer your wisdom where applicable.

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Color me still confused, but waiting now.<P>Yes, it has to rest on God, because for the life of me, I don't know what to do!<P>Paul Moyers said something interesting, which I believe, about the fact that we may never get that sign from God. I actually told my H that yesterday. Even if the apartments don't work out, it doesn't mean that we are suppose to be together <B>as things are</B>, it just means that the apartment didn't work out. <P>Sheba, I've tried to get help for my H, and you've put an idea in my head about an intervention type thing. I'll think on that! <P>I'll write again later when I hear from my H about the apartment (his answer from "God"). I guess I'm just gonna have to wait it out. Yuk.<P>------------------<BR>Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it you are among the stars!!

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Hi Sheryl,<BR>It's me again. The key to applying the principles espoused by the Harleys is to tie them back to God. The Plan A thing ties back to the unconditional love that God shows us. We love because He loved us first. He does not withhold love from us because we don't meet some criteria that He has set up. He loves us and corrects us by allowing us to suffer in ways that we often think is unfair because we don't know the whole picture just the part that He has revealed to us.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

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Yes Rob, I understand... the weaver, and all that...have you read that poem? Beautiful. But again, even Jesus would say not to be a doormat, don't you think?? It is a unique individual that can love despite being slapped in the face, either physically or emotionally, over and over and over... don't you think??<P>Beleive me, I love God, and believe in unconditional love - certainly it's understandable in human terms when talking of our children, and in spiritual terms when we speak of the Cross. <P>I don't know, Rob... very difficult, at best.<P>------------------<BR>Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it you are among the stars!!

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Sheryl,<BR>I know where you are coming from. It is difficult when we try to do it ALONE. We have to let Him use us. I am beginning to feel those feelings but He keeps reaffirming me with sermons I hear on the radio and the portion of the Bible that I read on any given day (I have a devotional Bible that I am reading to read the Bible through in a year.)<P>I am finding that He is my Comforter. Any love that I experience through her is really from Him. I merely want to be the love Him the way He loves me. I am ABSOLUTELY NOTHING without Him. When He is calling the shots it is very easy even though it is killing me to do some of it.<P>Even Jesus said that the flesh is weak but the spirit is willing. That is where I am right now. I keep going on because He gives me the strength to go on not to mention to have endured all that I have gone through in the last 6 years of my life. I don't fault her. I do hate the THINGS that she does but the things are not the person. God does answer prayer and I know that He will do just what He has said.<P>Trust Him COMPLETELY. You sound as though you are holding a little bit of yourself in reserve. It wasn't until I gave it ALL to Him that I was able to feel the way that I do now. Satan is very busy beating me up but God gives me a way out. I have been wanting to find someone to ease my pain with, to hold me, to tell me that they love me. Yet, God presents me with a way out. However, it is my choise to take that way out. So far, I have done just that. That is where it is my decision. I cling to Him because I can trust no one including myself. I trust only Him from a complete perspective.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by professorg (edited November 22, 1999).]

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Hi, Sheryl.. I took a break. Can't take a break anymore. Too much happens.<P>Hang in there. The answer will come to you when you stop trying to force a decision. You know that.<P>Don't want to say goodbye yet. Not gonna. Besides, I know where to find you!!!<P>Let us know, ok?<P>{{{{{{{{{{{Sheryl}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Lori

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Well, those of you who've waded throught this with me: no news is NO news...<P>H called apartments, still no word one way or the other... now is this God saying "patience" or is this us being really impatient, or is this a sign to just let the whole ding-dong thing go (but possibly lose the money he put down in the first place, which, by the way, has been sitting in their pocket the whole time)??????<P>Oh, woe is me!!! Not really, just, as usual, confused out the ying-yang...<P>Now where IS that confused icon???<P>------------------<BR>Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it you are among the stars!!

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