Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 2 1 2
#328627 09/04/00 04:29 PM
Joined: Dec 1969
Posts: 809
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Dec 1969
Posts: 809
KenDoll/Lee:

Obviously, this bothers you very much, and I would agree that until you can resolve this issue in your own mind, you shouldn't be considering marriage to this woman. You will both be miserable.

Since you are a Christian, I would hope a minister or Christian counselor could help. Since you feel so strongly about the sinfulness of sex before marriage, I have to wonder: Have you forgiven yourself? Often when we feel shame or guilt for our own shortcomings, it is especially hard to accept that same shortcoming in another.

I don't think you're controlling, and I don't think it does anyone any good to be told to 'get over it' (a disrespectful judgement that implies someone else's problems are trivial). But until you can accept God's forgiveness, and until you can forgive yourself, you will always harbor resentment towards your fiancee, and it will poison your marriage.

She doesn't deserve that, and neither do you.


#328628 09/05/00 08:43 AM
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 12
K
KenDoll Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
K
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 12
Doug,

Thank you for your reply.

I especially appreciate your comments about "getting over it." If it was not important to me I could get over it in the snap of a finger. But, it is something I am dealing with and is important to me.

She and I had a long discussion last night. We talked about many things including this. I can see "progress" in the amount of which it bothers me. It is becoming less and less of an anxiety to me. I love her for who she is, and who we are together, and the past is unchangable and mostly irrelevant.

Though it still bothers me some, movement in this direction insists that it can be dealt with.

------------------
!GOLF!


#328629 09/05/00 01:23 PM
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 219
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 219
Ken -

Perhaps this is a piece of advice for after you are married to your fiancee, but for what it's worth...

Find something sexual to do together that you both enjoy, but that is a bit unusual. I cannot advise you as to what that would be, but part of the fun of the early part of marriage is experimentation. See what you both like. It doesn't have to be kinky (however you may define that word), but for married people, there are no restrictions on pretty much anything you both enjoy.

Then, forever after, you will be able to say "I am the only one who ever...' with your wife.

It may also be a good idea to let your wife know that your own sexual past is nothing to compare with your sexual present with her. She may be in need of a little reassurance herself.

I would expect that people going into marriage with the attitude I am hearing in your posts will wind up with memories together that will make worries about the meaningless past very minor annoyances instead of major issues.

Be kind to each other. It is a good big chunk of what being married is all about.

Regards,
rs0522


#328630 09/06/00 12:56 AM
Joined: Dec 1969
Posts: 809
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Dec 1969
Posts: 809
KenDoll,

That's great! Sounds like a step in the right direction.

Go slow. Resolve this BEFORE, not AFTER you get married. I wish you the best!


#328631 09/15/00 05:10 PM
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 155
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 155
Being a Christian myself, I think I have an understanding of what you might be experiencing. But I have a question for you. You mentioned that both of you were having difficulty dealing with each other's past, are you having difficulty dealing with your own pasts? That was more what I experienced: guilt, shame, and hurt from my own past and it did take time to get through it. It took a lot of prayer and disciplining my mind. I had to resist thoughts of the past and remember that God had forgiven and cleansed me and given me a new beginning, and I had to forgive myself. I hope this helpful to you and your fiancee' in your situation.

Page 2 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (1 invisible), 38 guests, and 66 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Spartan Point He, OnTheRocks, Alise245, CVT, Olivia 80
71,700 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,537
Posts2,322,688
Members71,700
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5