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#328884 03/27/01 04:50 PM
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Skylar Offline OP
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I'm getting married in 2 months. We have lived together for almost 4 years and have been through more than most couples at our ages (20-30 somethings). I have done a lot of planning and everything is in place for the big day.<BR>But I have a concern...<BR>I can't get over this other man from 5 years ago! Here's the story:<BR>We met in Spain, I was backpacking and he was on vacation with a friend. We spent quite a few wonderful days together and even saw each other a couple times back in the states. He lives in NY and was the first one I saw when I came back (I had a layover in NY. I thought he was the ONE. We were so much alike. We talked on the phone quite a bit but one time we argued and that was it. He called me back a few months later but I was with someone new and I didn't return the call. I was in college at the time so I was young and selfish. I moved to FL and met my fiance. Recently, in the last year, especially after we were engaged...I began to think about this other man from NY a lot. A few months ago I researched his phone number and called up to NY. The next week he called. It was good to hear his voice again. We have talked a couple times since then because I was planning a trip to NY with a friend...can't go because of wedding expenses, which makes me sad. I felt like I needed to see him again before I got married.<BR>Durning our conversations he has told me that he has been with someone for 2 years, probably plans on marrying her, and that he had gone on a 1 year trip to Asia and Europe 4 years ago...a couple months after he called me at college (the one where I didn't return his call). He said I was one of the reasons why he went because of the time we had in Spain, he's a travel buff like me. Anyway, the truth is that I really love my fiance, but I have had doubts previously and so has me, I thought I was over the doubting stage. I look at my real life and see my fiance. But then my thoughts drift back to the NY guy and I even have dreams. I'm beginning to think that I'm wishing I was getting married to him instead. Even though that's crazy, I don't know him on a daily basis and I never met his family. My fiance and I are close to each other's families but now I'm noticing differences between us two more than ever. Is it just cold feet? <BR>Or is it because I knew I met my soulmate at one time and screwed it up so now I'm regretful? I want to go through with this marriage because I love my fiance. But I feel guilty because I can't stop thinking about this other man. I'm trying to let God take over but I keep having these dreams and I don't know what to think??

#328885 03/28/01 03:01 PM
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jsg Offline
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You need to tell your fiance about this guy in NY before you get married. If you do not, than it will eat at you forever. You have to be honest with your fiance. How could you marry him while you are having feelings for another man. The feelings that you are having are extremely cruel to your fiance. Maybe you are just having cold feet, but honesty is the best policy at this point if you cannot get past your feelings.<P>I hope that I am not coming across as someone trying to put you down. I just think that you need to seriously make a move one way or the other and don't look back. Marriage is not something that you can enter into lightly. It takes extreme committment from both parties. Good luck.

#328886 04/02/01 09:57 AM
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Skylar Offline OP
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Actually,<BR>I think I am over him a little now. My fiance and I are going through a rougn time, we're supposed to be getting married in a few weeks, now he tells me (again) that he's not sure. Maybe that's why I kept thinking about the NY guy? Because I don't feel that my fiance is 100% confident about marriage? I know he loves me, but hopefully enought to want to share his life with me.

#328887 04/02/01 11:16 AM
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If either of you are not sure, do not get married.<P>I've read a number of your posts, and I truly thing waiting is the wisest thing either of your could do.<P>You'd be amazed at how many people go thruough with it despite being unready adn regret it later.

#328888 04/26/01 11:58 PM
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After reading your situation and the replies,<BR>may I offer another perspective? <P>I, too, was once in your present situation.<BR>Bottom line/short story: I married the guy.<BR>Within the year, it was evident that my love<BR>for this 'other guy' was interfering with my<BR>relationship with my husband. It interfered<BR>terribly. This went over for several years<BR>and got worse each year. I spoke to this guy<BR>occasionally (once every year or once every<BR>two years or so through a 15-year period).<P>My husband knew about the conversations which<BR>caused great, great insecurity in our relationship.<BR>Even though it was not a physical affair, it WAS<BR>an EMOTIONAL affar, which really, is just as bad.<BR>Pretty much the same thing, if you ask me.<P>After 15 years, we ended our marriage. It was not<BR>just because of this 'other guy', although, on HIS<BR>part, this was a very, very major reason. Why?<BR>Because HE was NOT #1. Your husband WILL want to<BR>be No. 1 in your life, and quite frankly, YOU will<BR>want to be No. 1 in HIS life. <P>If that is not happening right now, and there are <BR>other doubts, I'd certainly be putting the invitations <BR>in a box under the bed for now and discuss some <BR>issues and deal with them honestly and openly <BR>BEFORE any stamps go on those invitations and into<BR>the mail. <P>Ask yourself...if the situation were reversed,<BR>would you want him to marry you if he were thinking<BR>of someone else? My guess is that you wouldn't.<BR>Maybe in that answer, lies YOUR answer.<P>I hope you can be open enough to learn from my<BR>mistake. Deal with your feelings about this 'other<BR>guy' before you get married.<P>P.S. In my case, the 'other guy' ended up marrying<BR>someone ELSE a couple years later even though he <BR>said he loved me, too, at that time and still admitted<BR>he loved me many years later. Bottom line was that I<BR>made a choice to marry someone else when I was not<BR>honest enough with myself and eventually hurting my<BR>husband. I hope you don't make the same mistake.<BR>He doesn't deserve being mislead, and you don't <BR>deserve being unsettled about your choice. <P>I believe if I would have just treasured my husband<BR>more and let the 'other guy' go, my relationship<BR>might have survived. In your case, though, you <BR>still have some doubts about him which seem to<BR>intensify the reasons why it is so important to <BR>be honest and open about the differences. <P>(In dealing with the differences, remember that<BR>some differences are GOOD as it helps keep a<BR>BALANCE in the relationship. What makes a great<BR>relationship is how you negotiate conflict and<BR>how you deal with conflict resolution, not just<BR>having a bunch of similarities.)<P>Blessings and peace to you 4/26 11:55 pm<P><BR>


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