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#329266 04/27/02 04:53 PM
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H1D3N Offline OP
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I am addicted to pornography. I have deep seated sexual issues that cause this (ie: i was molested, etc). I discussed this with my wife when we were datingand I thought it was worked out. She said, without any hesitation, that it was fine, that she didn't mind my looking at pornography. i was clear on the point that it was something i believe i should not do but that it would be an issue into marraige if i could not get it resolved. she reasured me that that would be just fine. About 2 weeks before we were married she told me that this really bothered her. we argued about it for a week and decided that i would not look at pornography unless she was there. this was a sacrifice on my part but i was willing to make it because i love her. we did this once, after we were married, and she informed me that since it was wrong we would not be doing this anymore. i agreed, once again, because i love her and i dont think i should engage in such activities anyway. I have fought long and hard and have not looked at any innapropriatte materials. after a couple weeks of restraining myself, i lost my sex drive altogether, which is a shock to me because i am very active. my wife is convinced that i think she is ugly, despite the fact that i have spent the entire relationship telling her that i think that she is the most beautiful woman in the world. so i started taking ginsing to boost my sex drive and reassure her that i think she is pretty. i now have sex with her and the cravings for porn are back. i am very honest with her so i have told her this. now she "knows" that i find her unnatractive because i was having a hard time wanting sex with her but i still want porn. i keep getting lectured and guilt tripped about the porn, she is getting more insecure by the day, she is depressed and broods on it, she no longer trusts me to be anywhere alone because she is so afraid that since i am only attracted to other women i will cheat on her givin any opportunity, and bursts into tears wondering what to do about my future infidelity. now i am in a situation where i am stressed out because i am fighting an addiction (and that is almost enough to bring me to tears), my wife no longer trusts me, and i know she is unhappy all the time worrying. i read your article on addiction to porn and it was soley from the wifes viewpoint. what do i do??? i am willing to give up the porn if that is what it takes to make her happy, and other than the once with her i have not veiwed any since marraige, but that doesn't mean that i can instantly make the urges go away. i dont want to lie to her and tell her that it is all better when it isn't. im at a loss. any help?<p>PS: we have been married only six weeks. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

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Hi, SuzzieQ posted this for you over on the emotional needs forum, under Dogbert I know you lurk. Dogbert is an x porn addict, and might have some help for you.<p>I read it and was moved to write. Even though I have felt all those things your wife is feeling, I just wanted to let you know that I really respect your honesty and openess with her. I also think it admirable that you have kept your word so far and not used it. Whatever you do, dont start lying or sneaking around, that will double your problem and give your W a legitimate reason not to trust you. <p>I also think that you are in a good place to be as far as getting help, you admit you are an addict and realize its not a good thing. I think your next step should be to get some help, maybe a counselor. There are some good books out there, some written for the addict and some for the spouse. One thats recommended a lot is "everymans battle".<p>Did you want to quit befor you were married or did you just accept the fact that you would always be an addict? I think your W should have been honest about her feelings about porn from the beginning as you were. Would you have married her if she told you before that it was unacceptable?<p>Good luck and keep posting. I hope you find the help and support you need. Most of all, stay honest!

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H1D3N.<p>Congratulations on your marriage.<p>All you guys can do is understand that it is an addiction like anything else, I am a woman and I suffer from as an over active sex drive. I work with it everyday. H hates it, at first (of course) he thought it was great but now is concerned with everything I do, but he understands it is an addiction much like your W needs to. All you can do is work together, talk about it. Being honest is the key. I just started talking, crying really one day and asked him for help and told him everything. It helped me because he saw I was real and it is an addiction. Women tend to be more emotional about these issues then men.
I don't want to get to personal but try buying her some lingerie and making one of your own.<p>Kie

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First, I would say that if you believe that you are addicted to pornography, you should seek help. Counseling can help you decide if this is an addiction, as well as overcome it, if that's what's needed.<p>If you decide (either in counseling or on your own) that it's not an addiction, have you tried talking with your wife about why she doesn't want to look at porn together? (Does she think it's dirty? Is she threatened by it? Does she believe it would lead to other things like you being with another woman? Does your desire for porn take away from your desire to have sex with your wife?)<p>Perhaps your wife would be willing to talk and work through her feelings about this and you could agreeably incorporate it into your sex life together. Porn can be a "martial aid" if the couple can agree and be comfortable using it together.<p>Best of luck.

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Your motivation for stopping is wrong. It should not be FOR your wife. It should be because it's wrong and destructive. Until you realize that you will forever be uncertain about your habit.

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you should talk to your wife about all this calmly and show her affection show her that you understand what you have done is not right.think...how would you feel if your own beloved wife did this to you? understand her and talk to her...that old saying about try walking in someone elses shoes is so true...i dont know if you need to see a counselor or something but i can say this ...talk about everything absolutely everything involved be honest and above all VERY patient and very supportive she will probably get angry...show her you really care by talking it out!!!! and above all never lie again my god how that destroys you would not believe..i wish you both the best

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Gee, dogbert, it sounds like he did think it was wrong, the fiancee thought it might be ok till she had to confront it in her marriage.<p>If I read that right, then H1D3N is in need of some direction. I'd suggest reading about Sex Addiction. Patrick Carnes is a doctor that has written several books. The books cover acting out with live people as well as with images. Also, Douglass Weiss has a web site and some helpful materials for both the SA and his/her partner. A great book for understanding porn addiction and society's nurturing of it is "The Centerfold Syndrome" by Gary Brooks.<p>Enough books, also look for a support group. Depending on where you live there are several groups similar to AA in the US. Also, look for a therapist. Call them and ask if they have any experience treating porn addicted SA's. Remember, selecting a therapist who is an active porn user and very defensive about his own use may not provide the best therapy for you.

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H1D3N, I agree with the replies that others have submitted. You have to want to stop first. You have to want the best for your marriage. If you form that strong belief, then you can stop cold turkey. I know, because I've been there. I always that I needed pornography. Sure, it was a turn-on. But it weakened my relationship with my wife. She couldn't take it and neither could I. It didn't happen instantly for me, though. It took time. More than a year, but that was because I convinced myself subconsciously that it wasn't really hurting anything. Anyway, I've since stopped and don't indulge in pornography anymore. You have to want to stop. Believe in your heart that you will not gain anything from looking at it and think about all you have to gain from not looking at it. I wish you luck.

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H1D3N, I applaud you for your honesty. My husband won't be honest about his addiction there for it has caused permanent damage to our marriage. He would rather have the porn and the computer sexually than me. He blames our sex problems on his age and weight. But I know it is the nasty porn that he indulges in every chance he gets. I have tried to be understanding. But he says it was all my fault that he loves the porn because I don't have sex with him many times per day everyday.
Good luck with your marriage.....


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