Annie,<P>I wonder whether you are still reading. Anyway, I think you are in the right track by admitting to your self (and us) that you are a selfish person. You realised this, that is good, at the very least you'll know where to start. You can start by learning how to be unselfished. Start thinking about others feeling before yours and the responsibilities of any action you are going to make. We are here to help you, to listen, to comfort and also to pray for you and with you. You still have a long journey ahead of you to fix your marriage but you can always do it one step at a time. Start with breaking all things up with the OM. You'll go through withdrawal, then you may learn to re-communicate your difficulties with your husband. Good luck and keep on posting!!<P>Saskia

The OM contacted me last night. He called himself a coward and apologized to me. Told me his heart was aching for me and other BS like that. He said he is still confused. I told him he did the right thing by going back to his family. But he is trying to continue the lies it seems. I am glad he is hurting too.

AnnieL,<P>I really hope you're still here reading. You can read my profile. I am one of the lowly betrayers. I also have the dubious distinction of being married to a lowly betrayer like myself. So, I'm the double whammy betrayed/betrayer. I want to tell you that I am so sorry for your heart being broken. That feeling really stinks. I'm also sorry for how harshly some are treating you here. (To be expected on a forum where there is so much pain and anger ---- often displaced.) Sheba gave some outstanding advice ...... sometimes you just have to discard the insensitive and non-compassionate words and cling to the constructive, compassionate insight on forums like this.<P>I don't think any of us are in the position to try to teach you a lesson about what has happened in your life. First off, none of us have lived your life. None of us know what you have been through. And it's ludicrous for any of us to sit here behind our keyboards trying to tell you the steps you should have taken!! We have no idea because we weren't there. Monday morning quarterbacking is not what you need. You need ACTION.<P>Okay, you're in a predicament, what to do now? First you gotta look at your relationship with OM for what it really was. Yes, he used you. He used you big time. And when he was finished with you, he threw you away like yesterdays newspapers. Instead of pining away for him, that fact should sicken you and also should make you happy that you are not stuck with him. He's somebody else's problem. Feel sorry for his wife, because she is the one who has to deal with him from now on. You're free of him, thank God.<P>Now, onto your marriage. There's serious work to be done here, and your H needs to get a clue and do his part. If this wasn't a serious wake up call for him to get his act together, then I don't know what else will. It's not just a matter of him "forgiving" you, it's a matter of both of you making some serious changes in your relationship to make it healthier and more successful. <P>Is counseling an option? Is your H willing to stop drinking and clean up his act at all? If he isn't, then I MOVE ON! Move on for you, not for anyone else. You are not going to find your self worth in someone else. That is something that has to be found within you.<P>If you don't want to post here, I completely understand. Feel free to email me at ibelynn@yahoo.com<P>((((((((Hugs))))))))))))<P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

New Woman:<P>Your post is excellent, but you are wrong that we cannot tell AnnieL what she should have done. The fact of the matter is that an affair is wrong. It is NEVER the right way to handle the situation of loneliness, anger at one's spouse, or boredom. In that regard, I can confidently say that anyone who has had an affair should NOT have done it.<P>That being said, the fact of the matter is, we are all human. We all make mistakes. We don't ALWAYS handle adversity the way we should. Now that Annie knows she didn't handle her situation the right way, she can assess what happened to get her into this situaiton, learn from what she did wrong, and try to make sure it doesn't happen again.<P>Please understand, I am not casting stones. I will be the first to admit that I didn't handle my situation the way I should have either. When my wife grew distant and quiet, when she started hanging out with the OM all the time, I should have been more intutitive to know something was wrong. I should have paid more attention to her. I should NOT have withheld myself spitefully. I have learned that my actions helped contribute to her feelings of abandonement, and that helped push her closer to the OM.<P>What have I learned from this? That I can't treat my wife shabbily and expect her to just stick with me; that when I have issues with ANYTHING she does, I need to tell her and be honest and not harbor resentment. What did she learn? That an affair is NOT the answer; that it came oh so close to costing her her marriage; that she didn't handle her situation in the right way.<P>You are correct that none of us has lived Annie's life, and none of us can honestly tell her that we would have acted any differently. However, that does NOT change the fact that she should have followed the right course of action. There are probably hundreds of "right" ways to deal with a situation like hers. However, there are also hundreds of "wrong" ways to deal with it, and I have to say that an affair is DEFINITELY the wrong way.<P>Hope that doesn't come across as preaching. It's not meant to be. Believe it or not, it's meant to be encouraging. We are all here because we and our significant others did the wrong thing. We didn't respect our marriages. Some of us betrayeds didn't listen, didn't pay attention, didn't give love, didn't do SOMETHING. Our betrayers didn't honor their vows. We ALL handled adversity in our marriages the wrong way. NOW, however, we are learning to accept our responsibility for that and to work on doing it the right way.<P>Some of us may succeed and others of us may fail. But, we need to acknowledge that the way we handled ourselves in the first place was WRONG, or we wouldn't be in the mess we're in now.<P>Hope that makes sense. I'm really just writing this stream-of-conscious style.<P>Just something to chew on for a while.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P><BR>

Annie,<P>For YOURSELF you should end ALL contact with the OM. He is just dragging you along and is going to make your pain in this difficult situation even harder. It seems that he can not make up his mind what he wants, and so he's willing to keep hurting both his wife and YOU. That is not a healty relationship for any of you.<P>I believe people should give their marriages every chance they can before they walk out, but if you feel you can't give anymore, leave, get a divorce, and then go search out a SINGLE guy to get involved with. Find someone who can offer you the love you want and DESERVE. Your MM can not give that to you and will continue hurting you. That is not what you want, is it?<P>I know there are a few condeming posts here, but you do have some conflicting statements also. If you want support to do the right things, you will get it. But understand that no one will support the relationship with the MM under ANY circumstances. It is harmful to all of you.<P>------------------<BR>Shoni<P><BR>