My affair has just ended but I did not end it. I met a married man over the internet and we fell for each other. He has been married for 23 years and I have been married for 9. Both of us were bored with our lives and our spouses. We found in each other that which we could not get from them. My husband was drinking and letting himself go. He smelled and I found him repulsive. The computer was the escape portal and my lover and I talked for hours every day. I sent him passionate poetry and we told each other every day how much in love we were. First I sent him a picture, then phoned, then we finally met at a rest stop on an interstate in Pennsylvania. I loved him even more after seeing him in person. He said he loved me too. We met again 2 weeks later and held each other for hours beneath a large oak tree. There was no sex yet, just lots of affection and caring. Then we made plans to meet 3000 miles from home...as far away from our families as we could get. We spent 5 days together and were happy and contented. We wanted to end our marriages. But the whole time, he worried about his kids. He loves them dearly. When the time came for us to part,we held each other at the airport and cried...we needed each other. I watched his plane leave with a feeling of great loss and sadness.<BR>When I arrived home the next day, he was online and waiting for me. I told him I loved him and could not bear to live with my husband anymore. My dear lover wanted time to plan for a new life but I would not hear of it. I said I was leaving now. He agreed to meet me later that night and we would cross the country together and start our new life. And so we did. We took almost nothing with us..very little money and almost no clothing. We left with the shirts on our backs basically. We slept in the car and ate peanut butter sandwiches. But we were happy. I was happy. 4 days later we crossed the Washington state border and we celebrated this small triumph. We walked in the rain and took in the countryside. This would be our new home. Now that we had arrived we had to find a place to live and employment. We stayed in motels at first and that got old quickly. I had 3 job offers right away but things were much more difficult for him. He is Canadian and it seemed finding employment would not be easy and this bothered him. Then he called his family to tell them what he was doing. He cried after talking to his daughters. The guilt was eating at him. I told him I would help him through this. I felt little guilt about leaving my husband so I thought I had enough strength for both of us. I was wrong. A few days later I could see he was visibly unhappy and asked him if he had a change of heart. He said no. He said his feelings for me had not changed but the guilt was bothering him and he was homesick. He said he'd be alright. But that night he was very distant. I knew things were not good. The next morning, I asked him again about changing his mind and again he said no. But now he was annoyed with me and said I was bugging him. I decided do give him his space and hugged him first. He held me very tightly for a long time and I knew I was losing him. A few minutes later I stepped out to make a phone call and buy him some apples. When I returned he had packed and left. No note. No explanation. He had stranded me 3000 miles from home with no money and no transportation. The people in Washington state are very kind and complete strangers helped me get to the airport. It cost me over $1000.00 to get back home. When I got home my husband had forgiven me immediately but my feelings for him were dead. I received an email from my Ex-lover the other day telling me that abandoning me was the only way he could leave me. He said he was realizing that he really did love his wife and he missed her terribly. He said he still has feelings for me and is trying to sort it all out. Sort what out? He says this was not a fling. I say he used me and when the going got tough he bailed out. Yet because of this addiction, I still love him. I want to rekindle my relationship with my husband but I feel nothing for him. Nothing at all. I am heartbroken and confused. I am not a cheap person. He is only the second man I've been intimate with. He took something very precious from me that I will never get back and he says I took from him too. I wonder if he feels any pain from this at all. <P>------------------<BR>AnnieL

Annie,<BR> I mean no disrespect but one thing you said just has to be pointed out. You say "when things got tough, he bailed". Well take a step back and look in your mirror.....you seem to have doen the same thing, only to your husband. Granted, this may be totally wrong in your case but from what is posted here, it seems like you just got a taste of your own medicine. Quite possible this whole deal went down way too fast for him. 23 yrs isn't just something one runs away from. 23 yrs is an investment on many fronts. It's possible he realized this. From what I can tell of this short story, it just sounds like you both needed to grow up, wake up or both. Have you even tried to fix the wrongs in your marriage without "bailing" so easily? If you care to, read my posts, take a glance at what I've put up with....I have yet to bail and your situation pails in comparision.<P>Sorry, I really don't mean to come across as being rude.

AnnieL -<P>I am sorry for all your unhappiness, pain and confusion. If you want to work on your marriage then you have come to the right place. If that is your goal, the people here will help you and be your shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen.<P>Right now - life stinks and you have a lot of soul searching to do.<P>Escaping from your marriage the way you did was a bumpy road to nowhere because it was begotten in lies, sneaking and hurting other people by disregarding them. Mainly, your husband, his wife and kids. What you both chose to do was step on them and through them for your glimmer of happiness. <P>A new life cannot be started by trampling those in the old - you both should have ended your marriages in the correct fashion and then perhaps things with the two of you would have worked.<BR>But it was not meant to be - and I know that you are in pain because of it. but you are much better off, also.<P>Now you have the opportunity to make things better for yourself in the proper manner. Nothing lasts that is based on lies and pain - NOTHING!!!<P>That includes your marriage!!!<P>You must start by looking at the problems you and H have and realize that both of you contributed to it's breakdown in some way and it will take both of you to contribute to it's restoration.<P>Read the information from Dr. Harley on this site, absorb the concepts, do the questionnaires, the Policy of Joint Agreement. Use all the tools that are here. Happiness is what you allow yourself to feel - sometimes you can't achieve it without a little work. If you have been unhappy for so long, then it seems that you were waiting for something to come along and make you happy instead of looking at what was in front of you and working with it. <P>Idleness is the biggest happiness killer in a marriage. Resentments, misunderstandings, lack of communication, hurt, anger and now betrayal - these can be helped through learning that a marriage sorta has a life of it's own and it's the two of you who pump the blood through, if you know what I mean.....Time for some CPR!!!!<P>I hope this has helped you and if you would like to go over things about your marriage, just post it and we'll all be here!!!<P>Hugs and Strength to you,<P>Sheba

AnnieL - <BR>Reading your story really hurt me...I understand the tremendous feelings you have for this OM and how deeply you've been hurt by him leaving you in such a manner.<BR>The only advice I can give you is to let him go. Even though he may love you and you can't understand how he can give that up, he has made his decision. I'm sure he is feeling a tremendous amount of pain...but it will only endure longer if you continue to have contact with him.<BR>In the meantime try working on a relationship with your husband...really try! You may find that it is worth salvaging and that one day feelings that you once had for him will be rekindled.<BR>

Annie, please forgive me for what I am about to say, but I'll try to be a polite a possible. First you knew he was married, and I assume you knew you were married. So why not LEAVE your husband first? Second, you said "he took something" from me, I think you gave it away freely. I'm sorry you are hurting, but you caused this, don't blame the other man for your pain now. You knew the odds and your bet was off.

Singing the Blues. I read your posts and I feel bad for you. Your marriage sucks and I would have left it a while ago. But I am a selfish person and I freely admit it. At 41, I want some happiness and satisfaction in my life. I thought I surely had found it in this OM. He was the answer to my prayers (barf if you want, its the truth). My marriage is not abusive or anything like that but we do fight alot and he is very controlling. A person can only take so much of being ordered around. I tried telling him numerous times and he never listened to me, but instead chose to drink our troubles away. He also could not hold a full time job so I asked him to work with me in my business. The work was not getting done and I was becoming disgusted with that as well. I needed an escape and found it in the other man. I still love this other man and want him back. I don't know how I really feel about marriage anymore...I don't think I'm meant to be married. Do I feel badly about hurting his wife and kids? I feel terrible about his daughters, but not about his wife. He tried to communicate with her too and she took him for granted or so it seems. He might have been lying to me about that too. But I saw a dear, sweet, gentle man who needed affection and I wanted to give it to him..so I did. If I'm scum for wanting to love someone, then so be it.

gladimadeit, ditto to that!!!!!!<P>AnnieL, sorry you're in pain, but it was bound to go wrong. Read everything you can here, it'll help you put your marriage back together -- if you want it.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>The guilt was eating at him. I told him I would help him<BR> through this. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>If he were able to "get through" his guilt over leaving his kids, why would you want such a man?

I am sorry for your pain. That is first, because I hate to see someone hurt, even when they have caused it themselves. You did you know. And Annie if he would leave his wife of 23 years and his children why would you want him? Honey, this was fantasy time.<P>You love the romance, and the freedom, and the newness. But this man cheated on his wife! He would cheat on you as soon as the day to day life crept in.<P>Adulterers lie. It is the basis of adultery. Lying, cheating, stealing they are all the same thing. A life based on theat is a life doomed to failure.<P>Let him go. Work on your marriage or not as you choose. But if you choose not to then be straight with your husband and leave honestly. <P>Alcohol is tough to deal with , I live with an abusive controlling alcoholic. But that is another story. I just know how hard it is to face them after they have hurt you or let you down. <P>Pray to God for guidance. Leave your lover alone. His wife no matter what deserves better than to be dealt with as he and you have dealt with her. Remember it is easy to lie when there is no chance that the person being lied about will meet the one hearing the lies.

Hi, I'm the OW too. I understand. I like you feel used. Learn from this, maybe you need to seperate from your husband for a while, I found this way the only way to figure out what you really need. If you want your marriage to work it will take work. You have to forget this man, it will only make things worse. You'll always have a place in your heart for him. Have you ever seen the movie Bridges in Madison Country? Clint Eastwood & Marel Striep? <P>It will get better, it takes time.<BR>I'm here for you.<P>Carol

I am having a hard time feeling "sorry"for you at all. First of all, you must be old enough to know better than to leave your husband, and basicall throw away the rest of your life for someone you met on the internet. Praactically speaking it is the most irresponsible thing I have heard of in a long time. Also, although I would like to believe the "oak tree", the "poetry" and such, it just seems too "movie perfect" to swallow. "Young lovers, trapped in bad marriages, leave all wordly possessions to find eachother!" GIVE ME A BREAK! I think maybe you should revise your "story" to make it a little more believeable. Sorry if I come across so rude, but this is the kind of thing that really makes some of us sick!<P>------------------<BR>Rachel :)<BR>

AnnieL and CarolG<P>Read this compassionate article by Dr. Harley, "A Lover's Perspective", maybe it will help you cope with this pain of abandonment by your lover...<P>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5037_qa.html<BR>

Leave om alone. He belongs to someone else-not you. He told you he still loves his wife! Do the right thing and leave him alone.

My story is true, and there is not an ounce of fabrication here. You people are all self righteous. I came to this site for comfort and advice on how to get over this OM. I have tried to get along with my husband for years and I have been unhappy for years. I asked him for a separation a while ago and he put up such a battle that I gave up.<BR>He is dependant on me and wants to hang on to this marriage at all costs. <P>It was wrong for me to do what I did..I feel badly enough about it. You people do not need to rub it in though I see that you are taking your own anger out on me. I was wrong in coming to this site for help as I see I am only getting chastised for what I already know.<BR> I am trying to transfer my feelings for this OM to my husband but it is not working. I still want a separation and I told him...but he is fighting it. He has taken away the keys to my car and has trapped me here. You people don't know the half of it. <P>The other man's wife had a drinking problem..for which she admitted to me. I spoke with her on the phone the day he dumped me. She could not figure out why he would leave her. Her solution to their problems is to limit his time on the computer. I spoke to her for awhile consoling her while there I was stranded. I cared about her and his kids. I never wanted to hurt anyone..but my happiness was very important to me. I already said I am selfish. I have been living my life for other people for years and I'm sick of it.<P>For you people to be judging me like this is just what I thought I would not get here. I see I was wrong. I'm not looking for pity..I need advice. I'll go elsewhere.<P>But regardless of what you folks think, the entire story is true...and that is why I'm having such a hard time getting over him.

AnnieL,<P>We are not all self-righteous, my note was meant to encourage you.<BR>Read the compassionate article I mentioned. It gives support to the "other woman", it will help you.<P>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5037_qa.html<BR>

AnnieL -<P>Just what is it that you want and need from us here on Marriage Builders?<P>I'm a little confused!!!<P>You say you want advice - then you choose to respond to some negative input rather than the offers of condolence, hospitality, boosts of strength and willingness to hash this out with you in order that you may be able to figure out what you need to do.<P>You have chosen to be defensive and ignore anyone who is wiling to help!!<P>Very big contradiction there!!<P>There are quite a few contradictions with your postings - like "don't care about his wife" then "I cared about her and the kids" Reread what you've written and you'll see more!!<P>You are confused and rightly so!! We can help you sort things out and give you the support and comfort you desire if that is what you want. We will not validate that you should take an easy way out for anything!! We will not say it's OK to moan, groan and pine away for something or someone that s not good for you or for marriage.<P>So, it's really all up to you!! The secret to message boards, ANY Message Boards, is to take what is useful and leave the rest. Do not dwell on what you consider to be unproductive advice/comments. Read all comments and evaluate what fits you're situation or mindset and let the rest go! <P>There's a lot of pain here, there's also a lot of love and compassion. Bt you will not find anyone who'll say that it was OK to do something that is wrong for a marriage. Or that will aid you in justifying it further. <P>The decision to stay is yours. If you want to take a look at what direction you need to start doing things and taking your life in then stay here or if you just want people to kiss the boo-boo, so to speak, then leave. It's your choice!!<P>Good Luck to you,<P>Sheba<BR> <p>[This message has been edited by Sheba (edited August 22, 1999).]

AnnieL,<BR> I know you hurt, an affair is a very destructive thing for EVERYONE, but no one here can say that you did the right thing. Or that it's ok to try to get this man back because hubby isn't meeting your needs. Take your keys back while h is sleeping and go to a shelter if life with him is that bad. There are places that will help you, if he is abusive then get a restraining order and do what you HAVE to do. Bt leave the om out of it, his w has had enough pain, so have his children. Look we are all human, we all have needs and desires, we are all a little selfish in our own ways, but om will never be able to be happy with you if you start a relationship built on lies and others pain. You are not the only woman who has come here after an affair, and very few have ever been rejected, I haven't really seen anyone be horrible to you either, but you seem to resent the fact that others pain comes through in their responses to you, well your pain shows too, so does mine, we are all in pain here of one type or another, if you try to see past that you will see there are wonderful caring people here, and if you decide to work on your marriage or to leave your marriage we are more than willing to support you, but if you want support for restarting your affair or keeping it alive, well sorry, but I doubt you will find it here.<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

Annie, I'm sorry if you felt "unwanted" here. Yes I can say that some of us still have anger and yes probably towards you, but you see that ow could be us. You say how bad your marriage is, but you went back when the om left you. WHY? You said you had a job in this new place, then why not stay? I think you want someone else to make you happy, you need to find that on your own. Let me tell you something too, you say all these things about the om wife, like you know her. You need to remember that you only know what the om chose to tell you. Do you really think he would sit there and tell you how wonderful she is? Or do you think he would share his faults with you? Absolutely not, he wants you to perceive him as perfect. But "perfect" doesn't lie, cheat, and steal from his family. You both could have divorced before you started this, but you chose to take something that wasn't yours. He was obviously married to her for a long time for a reason.....think about it. I think the hardest thing for me in this post is that you have no feelings for what you have done to many people, including children. That, anyway is where my problem is.

Annie::<P>We're here to comfort and help you through this tough time, but first, you must accept that you did the wrong thing in having an affair. Don't get me wrong, I am not being self-righteous, only practical. As a betrayed husband, I can tell you that I've never felt any pain as great as when I learned my wife had cheated on me. It's the worst thing you can do to a spouse who loves you.<P>We had a discussion like this just a couple of days ago, but I think the following bears repeating:<P>Having an affair is the WRONG way to deal with a bad marriage. You should have gone to your H and tried to work it out. If he was unwilling, you should have asked for a separation. If, after the separation, he still wasn't able to work it out, you should have asked for a divorce. ONLY after the divorce is final would it be proper to pursue another person, although, I would argue that pursuing another married person would be JUST as wrong if you were single.<P>As others have said, NO ONE here will tell you that you did the right thing by having this affair. However, you ARE doing the right thing by giving your marriage one more chance. You CAN rekindle feelings for your H, but you need to work at it hard. HE needs to work hard at it too. I suggest counseling. I know it sounds like a tired, canned response, but if you go into it with the idea that it can help you, it WILL help. I know. It helped me and my wife a lot.<P>Work on eliminating lovebusters, and try to get your H to follow the same principles. Why fight? There's no reason. Disagreements are part of life, but there need not be a fight if you both respect each other. I am certain you can do it, but you need professional help.<P>Please try, even if your H won't. If your marriage doesn't work out, then at least you know that it's because your H gave up, not you.<P>It's not easy, but no one said the right thing to do would be easy.<P>I hope that helps, at least a little.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P><BR>

AnnieL--<P>Ya know what? We all make mistakes, be they big ones or little ones. The point is to learn from our experiences and try to live better lives as a result. <P>Somewhere down the road, after your hurt heals, the memory of what's happened is going to seem like wow, I really did that? Eek!! Where was my brain? <P>Yes, many of us are hurting. And we're all here to share advice and help each other. We all have different thoughts and ideas. It's a good thing. Read it all. Even those who post angrily to a thread DID take the time to post. I'm sure you didn't expect support for your actions, you've said so yourself. <P>IMHO, it's time to let the OM go. He made his decision to go home. Let's work on ways to redirect your thoughts to your relationship with your H, or at the very least ways you can find yourself independent of needing a man to make your life "complete."<P>Are there any positive things you can tell us about your H? <P>I hope you don't give up on this website. There's truly a great bunch of people here. Give it a chance.<P>------------------<BR>Laura<P>"I cannot care a little for you. I love you only just enough to love you all the way."~~Rod McKuen<BR>

Annie,<P>I wonder whether you are still reading. Anyway, I think you are in the right track by admitting to your self (and us) that you are a selfish person. You realised this, that is good, at the very least you'll know where to start. You can start by learning how to be unselfished. Start thinking about others feeling before yours and the responsibilities of any action you are going to make. We are here to help you, to listen, to comfort and also to pray for you and with you. You still have a long journey ahead of you to fix your marriage but you can always do it one step at a time. Start with breaking all things up with the OM. You'll go through withdrawal, then you may learn to re-communicate your difficulties with your husband. Good luck and keep on posting!!<P>Saskia

The OM contacted me last night. He called himself a coward and apologized to me. Told me his heart was aching for me and other BS like that. He said he is still confused. I told him he did the right thing by going back to his family. But he is trying to continue the lies it seems. I am glad he is hurting too.

AnnieL,<P>I really hope you're still here reading. You can read my profile. I am one of the lowly betrayers. I also have the dubious distinction of being married to a lowly betrayer like myself. So, I'm the double whammy betrayed/betrayer. I want to tell you that I am so sorry for your heart being broken. That feeling really stinks. I'm also sorry for how harshly some are treating you here. (To be expected on a forum where there is so much pain and anger ---- often displaced.) Sheba gave some outstanding advice ...... sometimes you just have to discard the insensitive and non-compassionate words and cling to the constructive, compassionate insight on forums like this.<P>I don't think any of us are in the position to try to teach you a lesson about what has happened in your life. First off, none of us have lived your life. None of us know what you have been through. And it's ludicrous for any of us to sit here behind our keyboards trying to tell you the steps you should have taken!! We have no idea because we weren't there. Monday morning quarterbacking is not what you need. You need ACTION.<P>Okay, you're in a predicament, what to do now? First you gotta look at your relationship with OM for what it really was. Yes, he used you. He used you big time. And when he was finished with you, he threw you away like yesterdays newspapers. Instead of pining away for him, that fact should sicken you and also should make you happy that you are not stuck with him. He's somebody else's problem. Feel sorry for his wife, because she is the one who has to deal with him from now on. You're free of him, thank God.<P>Now, onto your marriage. There's serious work to be done here, and your H needs to get a clue and do his part. If this wasn't a serious wake up call for him to get his act together, then I don't know what else will. It's not just a matter of him "forgiving" you, it's a matter of both of you making some serious changes in your relationship to make it healthier and more successful. <P>Is counseling an option? Is your H willing to stop drinking and clean up his act at all? If he isn't, then I MOVE ON! Move on for you, not for anyone else. You are not going to find your self worth in someone else. That is something that has to be found within you.<P>If you don't want to post here, I completely understand. Feel free to email me at ibelynn@yahoo.com<P>((((((((Hugs))))))))))))<P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

New Woman:<P>Your post is excellent, but you are wrong that we cannot tell AnnieL what she should have done. The fact of the matter is that an affair is wrong. It is NEVER the right way to handle the situation of loneliness, anger at one's spouse, or boredom. In that regard, I can confidently say that anyone who has had an affair should NOT have done it.<P>That being said, the fact of the matter is, we are all human. We all make mistakes. We don't ALWAYS handle adversity the way we should. Now that Annie knows she didn't handle her situation the right way, she can assess what happened to get her into this situaiton, learn from what she did wrong, and try to make sure it doesn't happen again.<P>Please understand, I am not casting stones. I will be the first to admit that I didn't handle my situation the way I should have either. When my wife grew distant and quiet, when she started hanging out with the OM all the time, I should have been more intutitive to know something was wrong. I should have paid more attention to her. I should NOT have withheld myself spitefully. I have learned that my actions helped contribute to her feelings of abandonement, and that helped push her closer to the OM.<P>What have I learned from this? That I can't treat my wife shabbily and expect her to just stick with me; that when I have issues with ANYTHING she does, I need to tell her and be honest and not harbor resentment. What did she learn? That an affair is NOT the answer; that it came oh so close to costing her her marriage; that she didn't handle her situation in the right way.<P>You are correct that none of us has lived Annie's life, and none of us can honestly tell her that we would have acted any differently. However, that does NOT change the fact that she should have followed the right course of action. There are probably hundreds of "right" ways to deal with a situation like hers. However, there are also hundreds of "wrong" ways to deal with it, and I have to say that an affair is DEFINITELY the wrong way.<P>Hope that doesn't come across as preaching. It's not meant to be. Believe it or not, it's meant to be encouraging. We are all here because we and our significant others did the wrong thing. We didn't respect our marriages. Some of us betrayeds didn't listen, didn't pay attention, didn't give love, didn't do SOMETHING. Our betrayers didn't honor their vows. We ALL handled adversity in our marriages the wrong way. NOW, however, we are learning to accept our responsibility for that and to work on doing it the right way.<P>Some of us may succeed and others of us may fail. But, we need to acknowledge that the way we handled ourselves in the first place was WRONG, or we wouldn't be in the mess we're in now.<P>Hope that makes sense. I'm really just writing this stream-of-conscious style.<P>Just something to chew on for a while.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P><BR>

Annie,<P>For YOURSELF you should end ALL contact with the OM. He is just dragging you along and is going to make your pain in this difficult situation even harder. It seems that he can not make up his mind what he wants, and so he's willing to keep hurting both his wife and YOU. That is not a healty relationship for any of you.<P>I believe people should give their marriages every chance they can before they walk out, but if you feel you can't give anymore, leave, get a divorce, and then go search out a SINGLE guy to get involved with. Find someone who can offer you the love you want and DESERVE. Your MM can not give that to you and will continue hurting you. That is not what you want, is it?<P>I know there are a few condeming posts here, but you do have some conflicting statements also. If you want support to do the right things, you will get it. But understand that no one will support the relationship with the MM under ANY circumstances. It is harmful to all of you.<P>------------------<BR>Shoni<P><BR>