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#329594 06/24/03 01:58 PM
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I believe that marriage is the foundation for a family. I have always wanted a family and am now dealing with the ticking clock of the late-20's.
My boyfriend (26) and I (27) have been together for 4.5 years. We have been living together for over 2 years. Communication in our relationship is nothing less than impressive, although the "M-word" has always been a hot spot. Over the past couple of years, I have playfully teased my boyfriend about marriage...or moreso about him proposing to me. We have openly discussed children and our life many years down the road, but he has consistently run away from the topic of marriage. About six months ago, we decided to talk to a couples counselor to discuss our feelings. He felt that he needed someone to give him a little push, but it was actually his mom that suggested the counseling. While there were some good individual discussions with the therapist, the marriage topic slowly faded into our busy schedules. With the start of summer, both of our lives have slowed down quite a bit, but he doesn't really want to talk to the therapist, anymore. The other day, I playfully asked him whether he preferred me to nag him about marriage or children. He looked me in the eye and asked me if I was ready for children. Moments later, he was thinking out loud about his current health insurance as a grad student coupled with my own employee coverage. There is no doubt that he wants a baby, too. He is about 1.5 years from earning his PhD in biophysics and has already stated he does not want a child until he was no longer on a student's salary. He is a very smart man and I respect not only his decision about children, but basically every word he mutters. I have always known that he will make an amazing father. He told me that if I were pregnant, there would be no question about marriage...even if we married the month before I gave birth (obviously easier for him:). I told him that there is no way I would ever deceive him and he replied, "well, if you did, that would be a great way to get me to marry you." And he said that with a smile. It was almost as if he wanted me to get pregnant so he wouldn't have to propose or make a decision...it would be obvious and easy.
How funny to me that I've been asking him the wrong question--the question I assumed I wasn't allowed to ask. The only urgency I feel toward marriage is that I want to have children by the time I'm 30. I know that we will marry and work very well together--we are very respectful of each other's feelings and needs and compliment each other's personalities happily.
Turns out that I should have just been expressing my growing desire to have a baby rather than pushing the marriage issue. I don't want to get pregnant before we marry. Now, I feel like I should let the topic rest until he brings it up, again. I think he will. I'm confused and anxious, but extremely happy.
If anyone has any ideas about how to handle my situation, I'd love to hear them. I think the main issue has been that we are so happy and 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it.' But, while I'm very happy, I'm ready for the next step.
Thanks for any feedback!

#329595 06/25/03 10:49 AM
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I don't know much about your relationship but getting pregnant before marrige would be a huge mistake. Regardless of what anybody says- they do not know what it is to have a child until they actually do it. What if he changed his mind? You would be stuck in a bad situation. Just step back and think about how people get married and if getting pregnant to get him to marry you makes any sense whatsoever. To me it sounds like he's playing with you. When he talks about you getting pregnant to force him into marrige and smiling- he's not smiling because that would make him happy- but because he knows your desire and has fun teasing you a bit. I think he knows how bad you want him and he knows he's got all the time in the world. I once dated a girl who felt the same about me as you do about this man. I kept putting off marrige and holding it over her head and I took her for granted. Only after she left me did I realize how special what I had was.

You may be giving him too easy a ride. At some point you are going to need a decision from him (I think 4.5 years is plenty of time). I am sure that women who face the hurt of moving on and do find a man whose goals line up with theirs are much happier than those who put off their future and sit in limbo waiting on what's going to happen. No man is worth putting off what you want in your life. Don't be pushy but be honest. If he doesn't want to marry you- putting off finding that out will only make you more unhapppy. Keeping it on the level of vague references or jokes about marrige will only prolong your agonizing nervous anticipation.
THe pregnancy aspect is only a distraction.

I hope I haven't offended you. This is just my opinion and I of course don't know all the angles.

#329596 06/26/03 10:39 AM
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Thank you for your reply, Dustin. I spoke to him last night and we had a very pleasant conversation. I feel much better now knowing that he won't put off marrying me until after I am pregnant, now. I do not believe that he is playing with my head in any way--that is something that just does not exist in our relationship. We are always very honest even if it hurts. I respect how logical he is about important decisions. Our engagement has always been implied and I've always pushed for something more formal and that is where the resistance comes in. I watched that resistance break away as he calmly and surprisingly comfortably talked about this incredibly important issue in our lives.
Thank you for taking the time to reply...I appreciate your honest feedback.

#329597 06/28/03 12:24 AM
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Also you have to remember that men and women think very differently about this type of issue. If you're already living as a married couple, he probably doesn't see a great need for the ceremony and paperwork. He's comfortable.

But he needs to understand somehow that the ceremony and the paperwork will show a much greater committment to the relationship. But do not force him in any way. Especially not by getting pregnant. Because if he's not sure he wants to spend the rest of his life with you then your marriage will have a rocky foundation.

#329598 06/27/03 01:29 PM
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"But do not force him in any way. Especially not by getting pregnant. "

This has never and will never be a consideration in my mind. I have family that has encouraged me to leave him until he is willing to commit. I have family who think I should pressure him. I have told them no, no, and no. I believe what has made our relationship so strong and successful is that there are NO mind games. We are open and honest at all expense. In my orginal post I meant to state that despite the fact that I think he would like that easy out (I get pregnant, he then marries me even though we have every intention to marry sometime soon, anyway), I would never do that. The only thing out of order that might happen is we decide together to stop with the birth control before we are acutally married.
We're both dealing with alot now that a marriage and child is something that could happen very quickly for us. Logically, this is a great time in our lives for this to happen...probably the best time. There is a lot of stability, support, and savings. The only thing my BF really wants before we have a baby (besides marriage?) is to be making more money. I think that this is really what is keeping him from diving right in.
From here, I plan to give him some time to think--this is the biggest decision in our lives and should be based on both love and logic.
I am so amazed by how calm and comfortable he is talking about marriage and a baby--good things come to those who wait, I guess. I feel that I've been fairly patient and now I'm on the brink of getting everything I ever wanted.
Thanks for the feedback.

#329599 07/01/03 12:00 AM
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For anyone interested, we have decided to hold off on pregnancy until he has progressed to a more certain stage of his PhD work AND until after marriage. While I am disappointed by the decision, I realize it is the best one for both of us. At least we are talking more serioulsy and more comfortably about getting married. As I think about his schedule for completing his research and dissertation, I'm starting to discover more PROs to waiting a little longer for a baby.


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