i currently live with my fiance. we are about 5 months from getting married, but work stress, wedding planning stress, an insufficient physical relationship, and no spark or fun anymore in our relationship has me very concerned. most times i feel i only got engaged b/c it was the logical thing to do and maybe this is the root of the problems... then other times i feel guilty about that b/c i find myself so in love with her. so here is the situation that has actually brought me here.

after she went to visit her friends and attend an engagement party, she came back the next day and asked me if i thought we were still in love. i was shocked but immediately said "of course we are, why?" she replied that it concerns her that we don't do anything fun anymore, and that we just can't go out and hang out with each other and have a good time. this is kinda true, but we do go out with friends and have fun. the night she was gone (i could not go, i had a work obligation) i ended up going out with a coworker and his wife after we were done with out obligation. we all had fun, and i noticed that even if i wasn't there, they would be having just as good a time. i also found myself comparing my fiance to his wife, not physically, but how fun she was and how well she clicked with him. this was a wierd coincidence that my fiance said this to me the very next day. i attributed our lack of fun to the wedding planning and stress we both are having at work. she seemed to agree with that, and i just left it at that. we spent some time laying in bed together just relaxing while i worked on the laundry here and there. i really tried to engage sex but she wasn't having it, so i figured she was tired, maybe later. after dinner i again tried but she quickly used the tired excuse and hit the lights. today i did not have to work a full day, and she did. once home i did more of the laundry (we had a lot), semi-cleaned the kitchen and the bathroom (so they at least looked good) and generally straightened up the entire house. i really thought this was a good move and she would appreciate not being stressed about a messy house. well, i was wrong, when she got home she only complained about work and obligations. she is too negative too quickly. she did ask if i cleaned the floor, but i think she was going to criticize me until i told her i only swept. but i'll just be happy she noticed, she did not notice the bathroom. so tonight, i was tired and we layed in bed together after eating the dinner i also cooked (no big deal, but again less stress for her). i took a nap while she watched a show i don't care for. i awoke and thought, "hey, mabye sex tonight". after we both watched another show, she wanted to watch a third show, i said i did not. but she just layed there watching, and told me to please be quiet. so i got up and played with the dog. when i was done there, she was already ready for bed and about to go to sleep. she has not said anything to me since asking me to be quiet. we have had sex twice in the last 3 weeks. my biggest complaint is that she will watch certain tv shows religiously and then tell me she is too tired afterwards to have sex. i used to think i was unfair because i am a very sexual person and she just is not, which i accepted. but now it is creating a rift. i feel like we are destined to become one of those couples that do not have sex for months at a time. i could not emotionally handle that. i do not want to get married worried about divorce. that's just wrong. considering what i did to eliminate all stress at home for her and she still cannot have sex with me is a now a legitimate concern of mine in our relationship. we have been engaged for 9 months now, and i think i must admit, things have not gotten better in this time, but actually worse. in this time i've had numerous concerns.
she complains about weight, but does not really do as much as she can (i am fine with how she looks, its her concern that she complains to me about). she does work out, but its sporadic. and she does eat well, but doesn't always follow her own rules, then stresses about it. she also uses her weight as an excuse for not wanting to have sex more often.
she complains about work. who doesn't? but it's to the point where it is affecting our bedroom life and our relationship (because its so negative).
she complains about the wedding. my mom and her mom stress her out about different things here. she has done a good job of being frugal, but i don't think she realizes i am sacrificing and being a smart spender too.

everything is just very negative right now. and i feel that tv shows are more important to her than being physical with me. she never sets time aside for sex, and i can count on one hand how many times she has ever initiated sex. if she was just my girlfriend, and we did not live together i know i would end it. but we have invested so much into this, i feel like there is just no turning back. is this relationship that our friends and family tell me is so great, actually doomed?

Doomed might be too strong a word, but it's looking like it may start off with a whole lot of baggage attached to it.. Stuff that usually doesn't show up until the 1st or 2nd year of marraige when you have to start really dealing with the relationship.

You should *NEVER* marry out of sense of investment. Gee, I've put so much time being miserable into this, that I want to continue the miserableness for the rest of my life... That logic doesn't fly.

And you should *NEVER* get married out of a sense of obligation. Your family's and friends opinion notwithstanding. I mean really, are they the ones that will be living together? Are they the ones that are going to be fighting over this and that? No. It's going ot be you. So you can just automatically discount your family's and friend's opinion, because they aren't living it.

*You* are living it. If you're this unsure now, then you both need to really, really step back and look and see if it's something you want to do with a passion. Not obligation, *passion*.

Frankly, neither of you sound ready for M, I don't see a lot of evidence of any significant pre-marital counseling, some patterns of behavior are already pretty well established that run counter to a healthy marraige.

Better to cut the cord now, than get tied up in a big messy divorce. (If your'e not really excited about it).

On the other hand, if you decide tha tyou just *have* to move forward, then there are lots of things you can do, that as long as the two of you approach them enthusiastically, you can have a great marriage. (That's the two of *you*, not the input of friends or family).

MB has lots of good concept material that when *practiced* *diligently*, can truly heal wounds, and cause a level of intimacy that is mind-boggling.

But I think you and your W need to sit down and have that real heart-to-heart. It takes 2 *completely functional* people going into a marriage to make it work. Not two people who don't have a firm grasp of self, and what they want. Marriage is *work*. And a good marriage is a *lot* of work.

yes, please dont get married with out gettnig things on a good basis now. problems only get worse over time, and if you two are nto happy with each other now it will only get owrse. there are so many people here who have problms like this, and if you do not have a good start to begin with it is almost impssible to recover.

Oh boy! It sounds like the two of you need to do some talking before the big day! I'm getting married in 2-1/2 months, so I can appreciate that there is a lot of stress around this time for both you and your FI, and that money is tight, and that sex might be the last thing on her mind.

There are days when I'm simply not in the mood, and my FI respects that, though we do have sex a couple of times a week. Have the two of you ever had an active sex life? For us it's slowed down over the last few months because of the stress, but it has always been pretty good.

As for the tv vs time with you - Dr. Harley says that couples should get 15 hours of undivided attention together (not with the tv on!). Will she be open to the concepts on this site? If yes, than pitch to her the 15 hour rule, and she if she will volunteer to watch less tv.

Perhaps the two of you could work out together? My FI and I started that a few weeks ago to increase our time together. He made a point of spending time with me doing something I enjoy, and because of that I don't mind letting him play video games for a few hours while I read. Once my need for recreational companionship has been met, we have agreed "independant behavior" time.

See if she'd be willing to get some counselling, or at least go over the questionnaires with you. Her answer will probably give you a good indication of how she'll address issues in the relationship once you're married. If she doesn't want to deal with any problems, I would seriously consider what she'll be like as a wife.

And, as far as what you have invested, it's a lot easier to walk away now than to struggle through a divorce, kids, etc. (Think 10 years from now with Johnny Junior in the picture - you could be looking back and saying "I knew it then and should have left before the wedding, it would have been so much easier!")

Sorry if my post seems a little all-over-the-place. I'm still pretty new at this.

Oh yeah - congratulations!

C

I was in your same shoes a couple of months ago and I do tell you don't do it! I got married with the same kind of problems but the only difference was that my he was the one that never wanted to have sex just watch TV and play video games. I honestly have to say that I REGRET it. Think about it, talk about it, and really put some thought in it.

Please talk to her
you may be ok with the situation now, but it gets bigger and bigger
I married in a similar situation as yours, I 'accepted' our sexual life was not our strenght and 'our love' would help us through it... I am divorced from that person now