and I've decided to leave this forum. I just don't belong here at MB along side people who are trying to rebuild their marriages. I have been reading alot and posting very little. I have felt like such a hipocrite, I just couldn't post anymore. Besides, many of my old friends have already left the forum. It saddens me to see so many new "faces", more "casualties" of this infidelity war! Damn! Those who are left, Wasstubborn among others, I am sorry to disappoint you. I'm posting here today in hopes others, betrayed and betrayers, might learn something from my situation. First of all, I have to own up to what I've done. I have resumed the affair with OM. One person here in particular, knows this already. The reasons why are pretty much the same reasons the affair started 1 1/2 years ago. I'm lonely and starving for companionship, affection, conversation,...<BR>My H is gone 6 days a week and is 3 hours away from me. The last 2 weeks, he hasn't come home at all..."Working". He'll be home tomorrow. He hasn't left his cell phone on every night like he promised. Not being able to call him has been a big issue for me. His excuse, "he forgets to turn it on". How would you all feel if you had no way to contact your spouse except by pager and cell phone? Especially if that spouse cheated on you while you were laying in the hospital with staples in your stomach after an emergency c-section? My H had said after his affair,"what do you want from me? I'm not going to kiss your @ss for the rest of my life". Well, I needed my @ss kissed. I needed him to hurt like I did. It seemed he got off scott free. I still resent him even though I'm now a cheater myself. We have never resolved those old issues. I couldn't do it by myself. Just like it takes 2 to tango, it takes 2 to rebuild a marriage. To my H, marriage builders was a joke. He never took it seriously, just like he never took me seriously when I'd tell him how much I missed him, how lonely I was. <BR>I needed more than the money. I needed him.<BR>The kids needed him. Our daughter was struggling last year in first grade. I was going to nursing school full time and doing it all alone. I told him I needed him to come home a few days a week, to give our daughter the xtra help she needed with schoolwork. He said he would and it never happened. I got tired of asking. I managed to suck it up and helped her myself. Her teacher saw the improvement and weeks later sent a note home thanking me and said "the extra help at home is paying off!". Our daughter started 2nd grade last Monday...no thanks to H. I survived my first year of Nursing school...no thanks to H. By H not being here, it seems he is nothing but a paycheck to me. He's not my friend, he's not my lover, he's nothing but a heartache. Even if it is a fantasy, OM IS my friend above all, he IS my lover, he IS everything H is not. I'm so sorry but it's true. I wanted H to be these things; but, he won't step up to the plate.<BR> <BR>I do know that my marriage is a prime example of where emotional needs, among others, are not being met. Those concepts at MB are right on the money. I believe in cause & effect. When these needs aren't met, eventually there will be consequences. Maybe I'm not meeting all of H's needs and that's why he put work before family. His excuse is,"it's only until you get out of school". Well H, by the time I get out of school, our marriage will be dead, dead, dead. How can needs be met when we're not together???!!! Marriage is a give and take. I'm tired of doing the giving & not getting anything back. <P>I wish all of you the very best of luck with your marriages. I truly believe it will take both parties to rebuild. Not to say, that one can get the ball rolling; but, eventually the other spouse will HAVE to roll up his/her sleeves and work too. I know a few of you know what it's like to do it alone. I had such high hopes. Things seemed better. H's needs were being met, atleast on Sundays when he honored us with his presence. Problem is...mine weren't. Maybe what some of you said is true, that "the betrayer" has a character flaw. Well, if that is true, mine is just wanting to love and be loved back.<BR>Unless I have multiple personality disorder, I can't do that alone. <BR>I hope my post helps and doesn't hurt. My point I guess is, in your marriages, be there for each other. Be a team. Forgive and allow yourself to be forgiven. Most of all...be buddies. <P>Love each other and be happy. <P>Farewell,<BR>Kyra <P>P.S. I may or may not reply on this topic. If I don't, friends, please don't worry about me. I feel like a failure and I will have to face the consequences of my actions too.<BR>I'm going to be ok. My kids will be ok. Most likely without H. I don't foresee a future with OM. If anything, I've learned I will find happiness. I've learned many valuable lessons...most the hard way. Let's just hope, next time, history will not repeat itself. I couldn't go through this again.<BR>------------------<BR>For I know the thoughts I think<BR>toward you, saith the Lord,<BR>thoughts of peace, not of evil,<BR>to give you an expected end.<BR>Jeremiah 29:11<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Kyra (edited August 21, 1999).]

Kyra -- I am sorry that things have not worked out as you had hoped. From what I have seen of your story (I'm sorry I really haven't offered you any advice before) I don't know that you have a lot of other options. From the stand point of your marriage I am truly sorry. However, if your H is not willing to meet you in the middle, then I don't know that you have many more options.<P>I hope that you will continue to check in with us once in a while. I will be praying that things work out for you.<P>God Bless

Kyra,<BR>{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}.<BR>I'm sorry things are not working out the way you hoped. I am here for you if you would like to "talk" by e-mail. I would like to here from you. <BR>I don't know if you know.... I moved out last week. I know how having an absent H feels, and I am here if you want to talk. <BR>You are in my thoughts & prayers...<BR>Butterfly<P>labutterfly68@hotmail.com<BR>------------------<BR>My favorite quote....<BR>"Hello, this is God. I will be handeling your problems today. I will not need your help, so sit back and have a good day."<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Butterfly (edited August 21, 1999).]

Kyra<BR>Don't feel like a hypocrite. It seems to me that you were trying very hard to make your marraige work. It has to be a partnership. I know that well.<BR>You are human and can only do what is humanly possible. <BR>I can truly relate to your situation since I was always alone when my children were young. I didn't even have a vehicle and H would be gone for 6 weeks at a time.<BR>if you need to talk PLEASE E-mail me. My address is on the list and you know I will miss you very much.<BR>Take care of yourself and con't beat yourself up!!!!

Kyra,<BR>I have been where you are. I know how you feel. I have to say that I don't blame you for having needs and for wanting H to meet them, and when you find he won't, well, the needs are still there. We are human and it is okay to have needs. Darlin, I'll just urge you to resolve (or dissolve) the marriage before plunging head first into another man's arms. I say that for the protection of your own heart and for the moral integrity in ending the marriage and starting anew. I know you have really tried with H. Sometimes, if I may borrow a line from ol Garth Brooks, "some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers." If you go forward w/o H, I pray you find greater gifts for having the strength to say, "ENOUGH! I won't be neglected for ever!" <BR>I wish you peace above all else.<BR>Most sincerely,<BR>FC

Kyra - I am so sorry. You have, from what I've seen, given a valiant effort to save your marriage. As much as I'd like to believe all marriages can work, one can't do it alone. <P>You are not a failure. I wish you the best. Don't disappear from here if you need us in your life in the future. We try to save our marriages, but sometimes, in the end, we just need to save ourselves.<P>Best of luck to you - and much happiness, too. Check in with us and let us know how you are doing. Take care of yourself, now. You deserve it, too.<P>Lori

Hi, I don't know you, and I'm sorry you feel you have to leave. Please, read my profile. I know your hurting, I cheated on my husband for seven years, with a MM. And I have found all these people are very helful, it doesn't matter what we have done, or doing. We are all humans trying to survive in this crazy world. And we all are trying to help each other. You need to seperate from your husband to find out what you really need. I know, that is the only way to be free. What I mean you need to find out who you are, and what you and your child need. Once, I left, I was able to start to feel human again. No lies, or guilt to stomach. It will be the hardest thing to do. But, in the long run,it make you stronger, and you'll feel better.<BR>I understand, <P>don't give up, you need to be here now more than ever. I know that having an affair can cause highs and extreme lows.<P>And I'll be here if you need an ear.<P>------------------<BR>

Kyra,<P>Staying in a marriage for safety and having an affair may seem like the best way to cope, but separation and/or divorce is better in the long run. Eventually even more pain is in your future unless you make a clean break and increase your self-confidence and happiness by more noble solutions. Stay in touch with the people in this forum, if you can't post at least continue browsing it, don't go it alone!

Thank you all very much. I have been reading & doing alot of soul searching. I tried to call my H again about 11:45 PM. Apparently, he "forgot to turn the phone on" AGAIN. I paged him "811" which is our code for, "I really need to talk to you ASAP". He has yet to call me. He'll say tomorrow when he rolls in that he was sleeping. He always says that.<BR>I have written him a letter, which I plan to tape on our front door. I hope he reads it before he comes inside. I'm including it here because I'm hurting. I don't even have OM to turn to right now. I have only my "friends" here. I thought I had decided to leave; but, I must admit your posts have me rethinking. I just don't know. Alot of the letter won't make sense to you. And forgive the expletives. I'm just so angry and hurt. Since he cheated on me, I have never trusted him. I've suspected he's cheated on me since. I suspect he's cheating on me now. The letter is written as if I know he is and is written by the part of me he betrayed.<BR>-------------------<BR>H-<BR>I tried to call your cellphone again and AGAIN you "forgot to turn it on". I have tried to tell you how important it was for me to be able to contact you. The message you are sending is that you don't want to be contacted. How can I trust you? Tell me how?! My mind is FULL of suspicious thoughts. I wonder what that "there's something you need to know is?" Is it this Tara b****? I am so tired of living like this!! I'm tired of not being able to trust you. You don't deserve to be trusted!!!!You claim to love me, to want a future...PLEASE! I know that you could have come home tonight. You did not work THAT late! I want to know at this very moment WHERE THE **** YOU ARE! I have got to start school in 8 days and I really don't need any BS right before I go back. However, I cannot help how I feel. I am fed the **** up!! I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of not knowing where you are. I'm tired of not having help. OH BUT WHAT THE ****! You're making lots of money! M-O-N-E-Y AND that's supposed to make this ok? It's after midnight on a Saturday night and you won't return my pages nor will you answer your MF'ing phone!!! OH but my @ss is cool isn't it? I've got a roof over my @ss. Your money bought this paper and pen I'm writing on and with....I should just stop b****ing and be happy right??? Well, sweetheart, I DON'T REMEMBER HOW TO BE HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<BR>If your intentions are to stay with me until I graduate...you know...the "education you owe me?" Well, I wish you'd let me in on your plan. If that's the case, I'll take it alot better than you think. just keep my @ss cool, clothed, fed and keep paying for everything and I'm GAME!!!!!! You can put your **** into anything you want with a clear conscience. In 9 short months, you'll be rid of me and the kids. OH now it's time for you to remind me that you will never be rid of the K-I-D-S. They're what you care about right? You don't love me anymore...I don't think you've loved me for a very long time. You are not my friend, you are not my lover, you are nothing but a heartache. I have tried to do the right thing. I tried the marriage building ****. Frankly, I'm tired of trying anymore. You're obviously not willing to meet me in the middle. You obviously don't want to give up your life, which is separate from me and our children. What more can I do?! I can't save our marriage by myself H! You're thinking right now that all of this is because you "forgot to turn on the phone". It's so much more than that. We have had problems for so long, we're used to living this charade of a marriage. I just don't know what more I can do. I guess I'll have to start thinking like you...9 short months! Yippee! That should go by quick as a flash right? In the meantime, I don't care what you do, who you *****, NADA!<BR>You won't here a peep outta me unless the $$ stops coming THEN it will be time to play! Time to pay you back for all of the tears, the sleepless nights, the pain and misery you've dealt. OH....but it will be impossible to ever pay you back really. You have caused far too much injury to my heart and spirit. I loved you, you sorry dumb***. I can only hope when your shallow relationship fizzles...you will regret what you've done and you'll regret choosing NOTHING over your family, who loved you. You've been an absent father and husband and you will have to face the consequences. Your excuse is always about the money. Well H, if you would be honest for once, be honest with yourself, you'll admit you could have done so much more to try to be here with us. You abandoned us emotionally. We needed so much more than the little you threw at us. You should have come home tonight. You should have come home, gone upstairs and kissed your kids. You should have come downstairs and snuggled with me on the couch, while I griped about not wanting to watch A & E. You should have gone to bed with me and maybe made love to me but NO--instead I'm sitting here alone, once again, crying over you. I'll go to bed alone with the electric blanket to keep me warm because you are not there! I'm tired of being cold. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of being married to nobody. I'm not stupid. I know our situation. I know how things have to be...BUT they didn't have to be like this. This is of your making. You didn't help me make the best out of a bad situation! Do you think a "Daddy's Girl" button is a fair replacement for you?! L***** will resent you someday, just like you resent your Dad. You can take that to the bank with the rest of your money. And thanks to you, she'll resent me for being a miserable ***** in a miserable marriage! When she's old enough she'll ask me"Why didn't you divorce Dad sooner if you were so unhappy?" I'll say,"he was my meal ticket". I know that's what you expect. The truth will be because I had hopes that the man I thought I married would return to me. That boy with the blue eyes and the crooked smile. The boy I chased and accidentally scratched. That boy I spilled a drink on in the bleachers at the track meet. That boy I kissed by the band hall in Jr. HS. That boy, who I couldn't ignore, no matter how hard I tried. That boy who won my heart. That boy, who took my innocence. That boy, I loved enough to leave my precious family for to marry too young! That boy, who became a good man and then got lost somewhere. I hoped he would find himself and come home to me again. I fear he's lost and gone forever. He's only a memory, or maybe he never really existed at all. Maybe I'll find him in my dreams when I finally close my swollen eyes? I doubt it.<P>Good night H<BR>Wherever you are....<BR>

Kyra -- I'm sitting here crying after reading you letter. I'm so sorry for you. I wish I could say more. <P>God Bless

Kyra,<BR>OUCH! Your heart must be absolutely brokent, dare I say shattered. You clearly communicated your hurt and anger. I hope he responds. Have you two spoken yet, about the letter?<BR>FC

He read it. His face turned red. When he had finished, I said,"well?". He called it "melodramatic bulls**t". I said,"Call it what you like, that's how I feel". Then I asked,"So you don't have any comments?" He said,"I don't want to have this discussion". I dropped the subject after saying,"the truth hurts doesn't it?" He has been a jerk all day. He came home about 11 am. His eyes were bloodshot. For someone who got as much sleep as he claimed to get, he looked exhausted. I asked him what time he went to bed last night and he literally said,"it's none of your business". Then I told him, "if that's none of MY business then I AM NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS". He didn't like that. <BR>Just like I told my Mom this morning, I'm through...finished...done...I won't try to call his stinking cellphone anymore. He can live his life & I'll live mine. Just 9 short months right? *sigh*<P>Thanks again for "being there".<P>P.S. Weeks ago, I followed the advice of the forum & was "honest" with H about OM. I was as honest as I could have been. H spazzed before I got a chance to admit to a sexual affair. H said he would take his .45 and blow OM's brains out. I believe him. I said,"that would be stupid, how about M&L(our kids)". Then he said he had "connections"(which he does) and that people disappear in Houston ALL the time and end up in the bayou. I couldn't take a chance of putting OM's life in danger. H is an ex-marine and has the attitude in addition to a major anger control problem. <BR>After I prayed to God. I believe God understood why I couldn't tell H the absolute truth. I believe God knew I did my very best to be honest. I believe that a marriage must be built on honesty but now H just throws OM up in my face. I can't talk to him about the state of our marriage, without him accusing me of something to do with OM. I regret telling H what I did about OM now. I wish I had kept my mouth shut!!! I truly believe H is glad that I messed up. Now he has something on me. Before it was one-sided when he was the cheater. H thinks it was only an emotional affair and that really ticks him off. H knows me and he knows that I had to have real feelings for OM to "do what I did". H is so possessive. I'm afraid of what he'd do if he knew there was more to it. I'm just in a big big mess.<BR>I'm taking a big risk in continuing the relationship with OM. I probably should separate from H. I've got alot to think about. For a "proverbial good girl", who really never made any mistakes...BOY have I messed up BIG TIME! <P><p>[This message has been edited by Kyra (edited August 22, 1999).]

Kyra, you have tried so hard. I would usually not suggest the OM over a H, but this time I do. First of all, though, you should make sure you do your soul searching and know what you want for YOU. Then if H doesn't want to be part of it (as it seems now) then follow your gut. <P>Don't be a stranger (you have my icq) I'll be off and on. Take care!!<P>Tracy (emmy)<P>------------------<BR>"I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."

Kyra<BR>I have been gone most of the weekend but I'm really worried about you. Don't quit posting here. Whether you are building your marriage or not you have done everything you can. you need to get it out! You have so much pent up emotions that you have to deal with. Get it out here. we are all listening.<BR>Damn these men! I really think the convent would be a good place to spend our retirement years!!!!<BR>E-mail me if you need to talk. I don't have your address. Is it on the list?<BR>whatever you do - DO NOT BEAT UP ON YOURSELF!!!!!!<BR>

Hi Kyra,<P>I wonder whether you remember me or not but I've been following you since first time you post here. I gave you some insight how to overcome loneliness, remember?<P>Anyhow, I just want to tell you to have a rest if you must, but don't quit. I'll copy again a poems once I posted here. Hang on,<P>Don't Quit<P>When Things go wrong , as they sometimes will<BR>When the road you are trudging seems all uphill,<BR>When the funds are low and the debts are high,<BR>And You want to smile but you have to sigh,<BR>When care is pressing you down a bit,<BR>Rest, If you must ~ but you don't quit<P>Life is queer with its twists and turns,<BR>As everyone of us sometimes learns,<BR>And many a failure turns about<BR>When he might have won had he stuck it out<BR>Don't give up, though the pace seems slow<BR>You might succeed with another blow<P>Success is failure turned inside out<BR>the silver tint of the Clouds of doubt<BR>And you can never tell how close you are,<BR>It may be near when it seems a far<BR>So stick to the fight when you are hardest hit<BR>Its when things get worst that you musn't quit<P>- Never make a negative decission in the low time. Never make your most <BR>inportant decissions when you are in your worst mood<P>- Wait. Be patient. The Storm will pass. The spring will come. New feelings <BR>will come over you and they will be positive.<BR>- Don't wait for an inspiration. Use your head and your heart will follow.<BR>- Don't trust the Clouds, trust the sunshine.<BR>- Trust the sun - don't trust the shadows.<BR>- Believe in your dreams , don't believe in your despairing thoughts.<P>Love,<BR>Saskia

You are taking a big risk of doing physical harm to yourself as well as to the OM if what you say is true about your H that he can arrange the disappearance of people. Even though you may feel lonely and need attention you are embarking on a path that will cause grief without solving your domestic problems.If your husband is unwilling to change his relationship with you than make a clean break and move on with your life. By creating a crisis you might convince him to rethink his life with you. File for divorce but leave the door open for him to prove to you that he can become a better husband. That would be a better course than going into another affair and still be stuck in horrible marriage. Best wishes....max

Dear Kyra,<P>I am sooooo sorry. It appears hopeless. But remember with God - nothing is impossible? Please - don't stop posting - slow down.<P>I'll say a prayer for you - I don't know what to pray for, but I will ask God to meet your needs and stand by you closely.<P>God bless.

kyra, i hope you continue to post. i see what you're doing as just another step in fixing your life and finding happeness. i also hope you don't feel guilty. you are doing what you must to live your life. we all know you tried yet you still have needs to satisfy. i've been on this board so long i can't believe it and wonder why i continue but i guess i enjoy it. anyway, like you, i've noticed how people just fade away. i've always suspected they decided to do something everyone on this board would not approve. the religious types are probably the worst about this. they set these high standards and promise and promise they will do the right thing. then they do and they are so unhappy. they can't stand it and instead of telling everyone they've caved in, they just go away. <BR>i think you should enjoy your affair to the fullest. have your affair and ride it as far as it will go. at the same time get the divorce, if you must. after the affair ends, if it does, begin looking for someone else. love on and good luck. i approve.