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I know, that sounds wrong. But I am so very lonely. My wife and I have a good marriage that has lasted 24 years. We have 5 children; 3 of them adults. She is happy, loving and supportive; far more than I deserve. Yet, I knew that we did not connect soul-to-soul from the first days of our marriage. We married young and too fast, but I thought that this connection would come with time and effort. And we did work at it. We have read books, gone to conferences, spent endles hours talking, gone to counseling, etc. By most measures we have a good marriage. And no, there is no one else for either of us. I am not thinking of leaving, or of isolating myself. Both of us are really trying. <p>The problem is that I come from an emotionally and sexually abusive home. My wife comes from a stable Christian home. I was rejected and emotionally starved, she was accepted and nourished. I have had to go places within my soul that she does not even dream exist. There are deep depths and complexities to me that abuse victims share, but which those from homes like my wife came from cannot know or understand. It is in these deep places that I so long for connection. I am so very lonely that I ache within physically all the time. Somedays I can only make it hour to hour. I do not withdraw from the family, to the contrary my family and wife are happy with me. But I am dying within. <p>I picture my life like the dirt road we live on. It is dark night, winter cold, and I am so very alone. As far as you can see each way there is only a road going into the woods. I have longed all my life to have someone come down that road, and I had hoped marriage would bring this, but it has mocked me with it's emptiness. Our sexual life is excellent, but this, too is a mockery with its' statement of oneness which emotionally is lacking. Sadly, someone did come down my soul road last year, and for a few weeks I fell into and emotional affair, but it ended. I cannot be unfaithful, not even nonsexually. I really love my wife and family, and I am really trying, but I cannot get anywhere.<p>Yes, I love Jesus. I am training to be a counselor and work now with sexual and emotional abuse victims. I believe this is my calling and have seen so much healing, but I fear finding someone again. I fear falling deeper. Unless God changes something, I fear I must not go on in this calling. Yet, how can this be? <p>I am really hurting and desperate. Maybe the only answer is to know that God is there in my pain, but is this how God wants us to live? Pray for my wife! She is a jewel. But I suffer from deep depression over all of this. We just saw "A Beautiful Mind" and we identified with the husband and wife! It helped, but showed our problem. Thanks for reading this, and please pray for us.

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rjd, thanks for your help with my situation. I do hope that God gives you the wisdom and strength to feel better. <p>Is it just that you feel that your wife doesnt understand what you went thru? Or is it that you arent comfortable talking about the dark spaces of your life?<p>I work in a group home for sex offender teens 11-19. I have also been raped by family. I know I dont feel comfortable talking about my dark spaces with someone that hasnt been there. <p>I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

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I can help you because I have been broken, too. No, I have not told anyone the whole story. But that is not what I mean. Our lives are different. I live in those deep places only abused and intuitive people know. My wife lives on a different plane and cannot even see where I live. I feel like I am speaking Chinese or Welsh to her by my words and actions. She cannot understand, so I remain on my dark road, alone. It hurts like hell all the time. Like Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seatle I just breathe in and breathe out, and put one foot in front of another each hour of each day. That is the problem, and all the techniques will not change it. We have a good marriage, and I meet her needs according to her. But I, the real I, am locked behind walls for safty since trying to come out over 24 years of marriage has been just too painful and rejecting.<p>Thank you for returning the help and prayers. It is interesting that we who were abused seem to have the same issues.

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Wow, rjd...i almost cried for your pain. All i can say to that is i have been there...not everyone can say that...the problem is that you need to find a way to get her to understand that dark place...she needs to be willing to meet you...the real you (as you said) where you are and take your hand and pull you out a little. Unfortunately I did that to my H and he doesnt want out so I just ended up in the dark. You need to be willing to share the bad with her as well as the good and she needs to see it. I see people come out of abuse and be wonder people and i am so proud of them for coming out of that darkness...you need to come out...trust her, take her to your dark places...who better to help you and who better to share?<p>Did that help at all???

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It is good advice, but I've tried. The problem is language barriers. She just does not understand the language of deep places since she has never known them. So we do go on and make it work, and dhe is happy and, to some degree, so am I. But there is always the heartache underneath all the smiles and sex and snuggles. It is always there mocking me and tormenting me. I am glad that my W is happy. Since she never had to go inside herself due to her good childhood she is not intuitive and does not see what lies within me. That is good, because I could not carry us both. The OW saw, and that...man, even now I am starting to tear up...that was the first time I ever was really known. I cannot even say what she said, it is just to precious to me. God, how I wish my W and I were soul mates.<p>Thanks for feeling for me, and for your prayers. Mine are there for you, too. Even though the EA felt great, the end of is has been so bad that I would give almost anything to go back to before it happened.

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which makes me ask, why end it if she filled that need and your wife doesnt. and how did you do it, cause i sure cant seem to get the strength to stop.
God bless you!

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The first answer is simple, because she is not my wife and I am married to another. The second is much harder, and I have to let that wait until tomorrow since my W and I are giing to watch a movie together now. You might want to look up this thread between a woman ending an EA and me to read more<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=8&t=007894<p>[ March 11, 2002: Message edited by: rjd ]</p>

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Maybe the answer is simple for you. Do you want the marriage to end or not? For me the answer was no. My wife is loving and good, and is trying as hard as I am to make our marriage better. We go to counseling to try to make it the best we can, even though we both see that the underlying issue of lack of real soul connection will not change. For the children's sake, and for my W's sake, I will not leave. I love her with a compassionate love, not a marrying love, but that is enough to keep me here even with a broken heart.<p>I think you need to ask if your marriage is dead or if there is hope. If it is dead then staying in a cold, loveless and hostile home is damaging to you and to your children. Divirce as an act is part of what does the real damage to children. The dysfunctional marriage does much damage, too. Maybe a separation will wake him up; maybe not. But continuing in an A only enables him to stay as he is while you find your fulfillment somewhere else, and it enables you to keep a dead marriage somehow looking alive to others and yourself.<p>You sound like a good woman, and like all of us with a broken heart and a thirst for connection, you sound desperate. But please don't ruin your life - STD's and a soul given out piecemeal to different men cannot be good for you. Maybe you can get come counseling for yourself to help you decide. One last thing, God loves you, really.

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Thanks! I know God loves me. I am not currently having an affair and if you check my posting it will update you, it seems like things are looking up for now.<p>Lots to work out still...one day at a time i think.<p>Cathy

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rjd, I am fairly new here, (just joined the message boards yesterday actually), but, have been aware of marriagebuilders for a few years as I struggle with an EA. <p>I was reading through your posts and my goodness, could I relate! I too, came from a very unloving childhood, although probably not quite as bad as yours. I have had a rather difficult life and am, what I can only describe as unhappy deep in my soul. Been married 13 years...the marriage didn't start off well, we married because there was a child. My husband has always wanted to marry me, but I don't think I would have married him if there wasn't a child involved. I do care about him very much, but, I don't LOVE him...there isn't that deep connection. But then, I wonder if maybe I am searching for a deep connection I will never feel with anyone? <p>Anyway, I have been involved in an EA for a very long time. This person, I DO connect with for some reason. He is married as well. He had a PA prior to meeting me and his W found out and they almost divorced. They then decided to repair the marriage and work on it...so if he gets "caught" with me, he is in for major trouble. He and I do not see each other in person anymore, haven't in about 2 years. We only email and even that is sporatic, by his choosing. I have tried to end even that several times. Yet, whenever I go for a few months with no contact with him, he will contact me and because of my profound lonliness, I am weak and begin the relationship anew.<p>My husband is rather cold and emotionally distant toward me. He grew up with an extremely controlling and narcasisstic mother. His father is also fairly controlling and abusive. I have tried to talk with my husband about his childhood and share with him....told him of my own pain, etc. He will not open up to me at all, won't go to counceling, nothing. He is like a zombie that needs to be told what to do. His parents despise me and have been very mean and abusive to me and I have almost left many times because of it. My husband has always begged me not to go. I stay because of the kids first of all, and secondly, I am so empathetic to everyone else.<p>Anyway, I could go on and on....I just wanted you to know that I can certainly relate, maybe not to the degree or on the same level since you deeply love your wife, but, I can relate and I will keep you in my prayers.

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Thank you for your post, it is good to know that we are not alone. I am so sorry for your troubles and past pain, too. It seems that we who have been abused, or have come through hard times early in life have a great need for deep soul connection. Yes, I know it is possible to have it, but it seems like it always comes too late. My EA lasted only a few weeks, but we connected at the deepest levels - something I never thought would happen. She saw things in me that I have so deeply longed for someone to see. I felt as if all my walls melted and the hungry, hurting, alone little boy had finally been known - and more than that - loved. I am tearing up just writing about this, it hurts so much to be alone.<p>I understand profound loneliness - it seems to be the land I live in. Dark and cold, yet somehow beautiful in a way. It is my pain, and pain can make a soul deep and wildly beautiful. I only wish OW and I had met first. So many "if only's"....<p>This weekend I was away with my daughter and some college friends at our family's shore house. I kept out of their way - it was their memories of their last time together before graduation for several of them. I felt invisible there - not because of them, but because of my inner dying. I was like a ghost who could not be seen. To be honest, that is the way I feel most of the time. Trying to talk, but no one can really understand. OW wrote a beautiful poem for me which I had to destroy. How I wish I had it now - not because of the relationship, but because it let me know I really exist; I am alive, even though no one can see or hear or touch me - they do not understand.<p>Enough about me! I am so sorry for you, too. Having no support from family or your H, and being so alone. I understand your need for some connection, even if it is with an EA. I know that feeling well. I don't know what to tell you, any more than I know what to tell myself. I have been trying to believe that God has a good reason for all this, and that he is preparing some way of deliverance that will come soon. I used to have great faith, I guess down deep I still do, but sometimes it all seems so dark and cold. I wish I could help you. Maybe just knowing that others are there in our aloneness helps.<p>Thanks again for writing.

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I've read most of the responses here and am pained. I was on the other end of an affair. My spouse deals with a difficult childhood and also relates to beaut. mind.because of haunting voices Affairs though are not the answer but an escape.
You don't have to fully deal with life while in the "deep emotional connection" they bring. They are apart from the everyday "life struggles" and allow us to only feel. It is so much easier to "share" with someone with which there is no real risk of loosing because they aren't "yours" to lose. I am sorry that this doesn't help you deal with the emptiness you have, but illness weather physical or mental can only be really healed by God and in "his" time. Maybe not here.
Some time we need to not focus so on ourselves and focus on giving of ourselves to others. I certainly would not be married now if I didn't.
God bless all of you who have written on this site, and may he truely open your eyes!

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krin,
Thanks for posting. You are right, it is so much easier to relate on a deeper emotional level with someone who does not live with you and experience the everyday stresses, mundane issues, etc. with you. It is non reality, and it is an escape when there is an A. That is part of the lure of it all - all the connection with none of the reality of life lived in the everyday real world. I know that well, and that is one thing that has helped me see the foolishness of going back, or having another EA - it is just not real, and if I married the OW, even if I was a widower and it was a proper marriage, reality would settle in and there would be disappointment in some areas.<p>I think what I am saying at least is that the lack of emotional connection with my W whom I really do love very much is deeply painful. I have tried for over 24 years to make that connection. We have read many marriage books together, gone to seminars and one weekend marriage retreat, gone to counseling (we go tonight again, in fact), gone away for many weekend getaways, listened to scores of hours of Christian marriage programs and tapes, on and on and on. But the real issue is this: the raw materials for connection just are not there. We have to deal with that and make a good marriage anyway, but I would give anything I could to somehow have a connection with her. I mean that with all my heart. It is not that I want to run out or check out of the marriage - far from it. But all that does not make the loneliness any easier, or the darkness any lighter. <p>I was not looking for trouble and neither was the OW. That is why we took steps to end it almost immediatly after we realized we had gotten too close. I want only to love and follow God, and to have a soulmate to run with me in doing that. I don't have her, and I feel so hopeless sometimes. Somehow God has to do something. Maybe that will be to change me inside. My gifts and calling are for counseling, but I cannot go there again with this huge hole in my soul. <p>Thank you. I really mean that. I am very sorry for your pain, it is so evident in your post. I am sorry that you had to go through the betrayal you did. I hope you are better now, and that your marriage was saved and is healing.

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Rjd, i have read some of your posts and i also come from the other end. I think the deep connection your looking for can only come from Jesus. We tend to look to our mates for it, and they let us down every time. My W comes from a extreamly dysfuntional home and also has Manic depression. What she ended up doing is looking for that connection from drugs, OM and right back to the family that causes it. She has now given me the pain and deep darkness that she had suffered as a child. I have written some of the deepest and darkest poems the last few years, but i dont find them beautiful. She somehow came back to me cause maybe i could relate now that ive been traumatized. Even that hasnt worked. Why? It all goes back to the true connection we all long for and that is in Christ Jesus. I hope and pray you see this before its too late.
Lostpup

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Lostpup and others
I am a believer and have a deeply passionate love for Jesus. I have tried this, but have failed. Maybe it is me, so please, to all who are believers and who read this, explain it more to me and so many other Christians who are trying to find the connections we long for. I think all of us are really open, and maybe we are missing the obvious. I just don't know if it is spiritual, emotional, relational or some combination.<p>By the way - what do you mean by "too late?"<p>[ March 19, 2002: Message edited by: rjd ]<p>[ March 19, 2002: Message edited by: rjd ]</p>

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rjd,<p>I identify with some of the loneliness you describe. I, too, am trying to understand it - what makes us connect with some people and not others? There definitely is an element of "raw materials". Also, some personalities (intuitives) crave that kind of deep connection more. My husband is a sensing type and lives on the plane of "every day life" more contentedly than I. For him, spending a day working side by side with me in the garden fills him up (no talking). For me it is nice, but I'm still "hungry" - like we haven't connected yet - especially when there is no talking. I know I feel the loneliness a lot more than he does. He also doesn't understand deeper parts of me - he finds me "too complicated" and that is a bother. <p>Aside from the "raw materials" and personality differences, there can be other factors. My husband is very emotionally repressed and does not like to risk at all. He is closed up inside himself. We, too, are in counseling to open him up - and deal with my and his anger. I am hopeful we will be able to enjoy a much fuller marriage - all the while realizing the deepest connection may not be possible. I've been reading different biographies and noticing that is not really uncommon. I am learning to see my loneliness as something that drives me to GOD - seeking an intimate relationship with Him. He can connect at those deep levels with us - He knows all our dark places very well. When I am feeling especially lonely, I turn to Him and converse, letting Him know all my feelings - and knowing He truly understands. He knows the desires of our heart and I ask Him to fill me in His way. God has that same longing for an intimate relationship as we are feeling. He is our great High Priest who can sympathize.<p>And then there is the letting go of what you may not be able to fully have. Yes, there is a certain sadness, a certain grieving, BUT I believe God can fill us up with Himself - and in other ways. Open your hand and let Him take and give what He knows is best for you. Life has disappointments - don't let it rob you of your joy. Talk to God in your loneliness, keep your hand open and see what He gives you. God bless!<p>PS I was just talking to a good friend of mine who has experienced the same intense loneliness in her marriage (she an intuitive, he sensing). He just can't understand her deepest heart. As she has let some of that go, she has also noticed her husband in the last few years actually surprising her in some of the ways he is able to understand her and have a deeper connection. He is growing, she is letting go to receive what God gives... God knows what you need and He does understand.

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Rjd, As humans we tend to trust in our feelings and soul areas more than the truth and God. In other words most of us walk more by the flesh, than the spirit. I have to admit i still trust in my pain and feelings more than i trust in God and thats an area im growing in right now and it is very painful. I cant tell you how to have a relationship with the Lord, thats your personal relationship. If we desire to be closer to Him, He will lead us there. As far as too late goes, i meant you may do something to hurt your W eventually. Give her a chance and maybe pray with her about these things. Most importantly, give it to God and leave it at the cross. Its a burden i think you covet and need to let go of. God gave us our lives and we tend to want more, or think it isnt good enough. But Jesus dying on the cross in our place is already good enough. God didnt promise us an easy life here, but did promise us no more tears when this flash called life is over.

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I'm so sorry for everyone's loneliness. Perhaps more so since I too have been there.<p>Here are my two cents.
1. While a connect with God/Jesus/the One is the ultimate goal, it has not really helped in my own experiece. In fact, in the few times I've really made that connect, it has produced its own intense form of sadness. <p>2. rjd, I would challenge you that while you love your wife as a person, you are not romantically in love with her. I could be wrong on this, but usually for me the in-love part helps alleviate the loneliness. <p>You say you're in counseling. Is it the kind of system that the Harleys' promote? And is your wife doing what it takes? <p>I don't think you need to be a victim to understand the dark side. And I don't think you need to live in the dark world to understand either. But I do believe that your wife needs to have empathy. To feel and respect your pain. <p>3. You say you're in training to become a counselor. Well, there's that old adage about Doctors healing themselves. Have you considered that you might be depressed? And that medication may benefit you? I've found that the new stuff works really quickly, and I personally don't need to say on it too long. It is so nice when the world starts looking interesting again. And when the dark places inside loose some of their charm. Obviously, your despair isn't simply chemical and I don't mean to imply that. But, sometimes a little crutch can be a big help. <p>I have a soulmate, who is not my husband, and who doesn't think I'm his soulmate. How's that for operatic twists? I've felt connected to this man since I was in tenth grade. I've seen him once in seven years. And my heart started beating out of control. He gave me a hug that lasted a second too long, and hours too short. He asked if I were happy and I lied. I haven't heard from him since.<p>But, I do know he's out there. I know if I ever really need him, he's there. And that's a comfort. But, I also know I'm not the one for him. I just hope God can sort it all out if I make it to heaven.<p>All of which is to say that soulmates are mixed blessings.

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Thank you for replying to this thread, and for spending so much time to write. <p>Thanks for your honesty and understanding. I know something of what you are talking about when you say that you give it to God and he fills you. I have done that, too. My relationship with Jesus is alive and dynamic. I talk to him throughout the day and feel him close, even physically at times. I have lead college groups to large praise and worship gatherings, and have been in the heart of many groups. Do you know about the Passion movement out of Atlanta, and of the OneDay gathering in Memphis in 2000? My wife and I took 23 college student there. All this is just to say that I am deeply spiritual and a lover of Jesus.<p>Here is the issue though, and greengables touched on it. The times of the most intense closeness to God brings the most intense loneliness. I think this is because it is right here - at Jesus' side - that I so deeply long for a soulmate to be beside me, and it is there that I feel that lack so deeply. Yes, God does fill a void that only he can fill, but there is a void that I think he has made in each of us that only another human can fill, a true connection with a person, especially a spouse. God said that it was not good for man to be alone, and he said that when there was no sin to separate us from him. Even when Adam walked with God personally, individually and without sin, he was still lonely and incomplete. That is what we are searching for, I think - that "unaloneness" that we crave is part of our humanity, and part of the image of God in us. Did you ever think that God was lonely and that is why he created us? Maybe part of his image in us is that loneliness.<p>Ok, back to earth. <p>greengables Yes, counseling, antidepressants, I have tried them and am using them. And you are right, I am not romantically in love with my W. I love her deeply in compassion and tenderness, but that is not marrying love. I have to be honest, I married because as a young man I needed sex, and as a senior in college I was panicy that I would not find a wife. My W seemed like so much of what I was looking for, and in some ways I was right. But with some things that are benefits there are also liabilities. I wanted someone who was a country girl, and not too overbearing or loud. I thought that this would mean depth and a beautiful soul. That may be, but it can also mean shallowness and an underdeveloped soul. I never really had marrying love for my W. I am so ashamed and sad to admit that - deeply ashamed. So now it is a relationship we have worked at and made good, and I really do love her. Yet...<p>Counseling has helped and is helping. In counseling sexually abused people one thing that is important as therapy goes on and healing has begun is to identify areas of life that need change, then to continually turn away from old patters and habits and fears and begin to do the opposite and live in a healing way. We are begining to do this in our relationship. It is much harder for me since I have retreated behind walls for safty. Coming out scares the h... out of me. But it has to be done. Yea, physician heal thyself is right!!!<p>grengables, I felt your deep pathos and pain. what you said about the hug was so poignant. I know, how deeply I know....a lifetime too short. I don't have an answer. If you read Job in the Bible he never got an answer or an explaination, and he was not patient! He poured out his soul and pain to God and his "friends" over and over. In the end God put his arm around Job and talked to him so that Job finally understood that God does things we do not understand, but he is still our loving Father. I am not fully there yet. I am still complaining and broken and weeping. I am still yearning until it hurts to deeply to sigh or weep. Maybe it will always be this way until heaven - the shining times as I like to call them.<p>For me, my soulmate has been my companion since childhood. She has lived in my heart and mind, has been beside me and talked with me all the time. She has beautiful long auburn hair, and a haert of love and a soul of beauty, but I never saw her face or knew her name until last spring. Now I know her, I know her voice and can smell the saltiness of her tears. God, it hurts so much. I wish we had never met, it would have been so much easier just to dream. But somehow, someway she is not for me. At least not now. Maybe I know her only so heaven will be that much more beautiful. I know we will spend endless time together there, just as my W and I will spend endless time. Maybe my W will fimd her soulmate and they will be able to spend the time there too.<p>Well, if you have read this far, I really thank you. Please keep writing, it helps all of us.


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