One of the things I truly love doing is intensely studying the word and not just randomly picking a word or verse out of context. This topic is actually something consider...when a wandering spouse returns from an affair, how do you tell if they are truly repentent or if they are just blaming and settling? So I looked at some biblical examples of false repentance (Pharaoh and Judas) and one example of a sincerely repentant heart.
Pharaoh's Prayer--Exodus 9:27-28 "Then Pharaoh summoned Moses and Aaron. "This time I have sinned," he said to them. "The LORD is in the right, and I and my people are in the wrong. Pray to the LORD , for we have had enough thunder and hail. I will let you go; you don't have to stay any longer."
Judas' Prayer--Matthew 27:3-5 "When Judas, who had betrayed him, saw that Jesus was condemned, he was seized with remorse and returned the thirty silver coins to the chief priests and the elders. "I have sinned," he said, "for I have betrayed innocent blood." "What is that to us?" they replied. "That's your responsibility." So Judas threw the money into the temple and left. Then he went away and hanged himself. "
If we use Pharoah's and Judas's prayers as biblical examples of blaming and settling, what can we see? Both said they had sinned. Both seemed remorseful and said they had done wrong. So what's the deal? Why were their repentances false?
Look at Pharaoh's prayer. His heart was still kind of hard because he said "this time I have sinned" but that's the rough equivalent of doing a whole bunch of sinful things in your life and saying, "Yeah, well that ONE was wrong." He says, "The Lord is right and I and people are wrong" but that's the rough equivalent of saying, "Sure, God is perfect, but I didn't do this alone. There were a bunch of people wrong here, and I'm just one of them." He says, "We have had enough of thunder and lightening" which is the rough equivalent of saying, "I'm tired of the punishment. I'll just admit I was wrong so I can avoid the punishment. It's not like I really want to turn my life around or be a new person, I'm just facing the consequences." Then, he ends by saying, "I will let you go, you don't have to stay any more." How ARROGANT!!! He's still talking as if he is in control and has the power to let them go or not!
When you really evaluate Pharaoh's prayer, he wasn't really that repentant at all!! Listen to it in modern language: "I have done many sinful things in my life, but this ONE was wrong. I'm okay with the other sins. And sure, God is perfect, but I didn't do this alone. There were a bunch of people wrong here, and I'm just one of them. I'm tired of having to pay the consequences of my sin. I'll just admit I was wrong so I can avoid the punishment It's not like I want to really change--I just want the consequences to stop. So *I* have the power to let you go, and in my pride I am going to allow you to go."
HAHA! Not very much repentance in there, is there??? How many times have BS's heard their WS's return to their marriage and say to them, "Oh I spent more time with the OP, and lied to you like a rug, and put you through pain like none other known to the human race, but have SEX was wrong. I don't think the other stuff was all that wrong, because I was doing something for me for once. And sure, God is perfect, but I didn't do this alone. There were a bunch of people wrong here, and I'm just one of them. I'm tired of having to be honest, and not be trusted, and be checked up on, and be accountable for my time and thoughts!! I'll just admit I was wrong so I can avoid the punishment. It's not like I want to really change--I just want the consequences to stop. So *I* have the power to leave this marriage and break your heart, and in my pride I am going to allow you to stay married to me."
Let's look at Judas's prayer too. Judas says, "I have sinned because I betrayed innocent blood." Hmmmm. "I did something I knew was wrong because...." That's an excuse!! Even when he says, "I was wrong because I lied, cheated, stole..." it's not saying "I am full of sin and totally unworthy in the eyes of the Lord. I do not deserve His mercy and yet He gives it to me. Due to His lovingkindness and mercy to me, I want to completely turn around and change my life. I want to be an entirely new person to honor Him." LOTS is missing from this prayer. He admits that he did wrong, offers an excuse, then gets angry and throws the money and does ANOTHER sin!
Not too much change of heart there either, is there???
In the context I have been considering with my friends who have been through an affair, it would seem that insincere repentance might involve admitting that THIS ONE THING was wrong, blaming or including others in their choice to sin, repenting just to avoid the consequence of their actions, not really wanting to change on their own accord, still thinking they are in control and have the power, still having a proud and haughty heart, offering excuses and explanations, and then continuing to live a sinful way. There may be remorse. There even be admission of being wrong! But there is little or no softening of the heart, humility, and giving control to God.
David's prayer when he was confronted with his sin. He confesses to God his utter sinfulness before a holy and righteous God and even acknowledges his sinfulness from birth--Psalm 51:3-6 "For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge. Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me. Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place."
David's prayer is an excellent example of biblical, full repentance. The very first thing I notice is that David takes full personal responsibility for his sin, and does not try to blame or justify. He has transgressed and that's that! Going even further, he even says that the evil things that he has done is always on his mind and on his heart bothering him. He doesn't limit it to just his adultery either--but ALL of his sins--basically stating that he just is a sinful person unworthy of a relationship with God! Next, David is humble and says that he has sinned against God and God alone. They had a close, intimate relationship and David blew it by breaking that trust and intimacy and doing exactly what he knew was painful to God. Then David tells God that not only does he DESERVE any judgement he gets, that God is right in doing so and in giving him consequences!! He understands that he is going to get consequences for choosing to sin, and humbly accepts them. He isn't saying "I'm sick of having to pay the price"--he's saying "I DESERVE to pay the price!!" David then goes on to say, "It's not just this ONE little time either. I have been sinful and in the wrong as a human being--I am an unworthy person." It's not like he thinks what he has done is okay "except for this one little thing"--he realizes that he has lived a life that was offensive to God and harmful to their intimacy! Finally, after David states that his is a lying, sneaking, cheating person in the wrong--he follows it up by saying that God desires honesty, openness, and integrity..and God teaches him those things every day!!
What a wonderful example of what a truly repentent WS would be like!! Taking full personal responsibility for the choices they made--not blaming or justifying. Saying that the things they have done are always on their mind and bothering them. Not limiting their remorse to their adultery but to all the other ways in which they have hurt, harmed and offended their spouse. Being humble and admitting that they have committed a grievous offense against their spouse and their spouse alone. Realizing that they had a trusting intimate relationship with their spouse and they blew it by doing exactly what would break the trust and destroy the intimacy. Acknowledging that not only do they deserve any consequences they experience due to their affair, but their spouse is right in giving them consequences and making them accountable! Humbly accepting the consequences. Also recognizing that it's not just the affair, but other ways too in which they were offensive and harmed their intimacy. Owning up to their contributions to the destruction of the intimacy. And ending it all up by saying that their spouse is teaching them by demonstrating it in their actions how to be honest, open, and moral!!
WOW!!!
CJ
