Didn't know if I should start a new thread or post with AW on her request for prayers (didn't want to invade her thread)...<P>I feel I am under such attack today, feeling so discouraged and tired. Feeling like I'm mostly going through the motions in my marriage and it takes so much mental stamina to keep staying the course and doing the right thing. I have struggled most of my marriage with the lack of "in-love" feelings for my husband. It does't mean it has been a bad marriage, just one that always required work. As a Christian wife I have studied how to love my H. biblically and have tried to live that way. Still, the lack of feelings has always made it more like work and has often robbed the joy. His emotional unavailability and unwillingness to take risks in a relationship is probably a main contributor to the lack of "in-love" feelings I've had. Now, I'm just so weary from "choosing" to make the choice of love, but the joy is missing.<P>On top of this OM contacted me this past week (via email) after more than 3 months of no contact. During these 3 months I've tried to do all the right things in repairing my marriage and H. and I both worked very hard on issues. Still, the feelings continue to be missing for me and I am now so weary. I'm weary from pushing down feelings for OM and trying to "find" them for H. I struggle with wondering if it will always be this way and feel like I am just trying to convince myself so hard that it will all work and be good. I am a Christian and love God with all my heart, so I know that my only option is to stay where I am in my marriage, but I'm struggling with feeling resigned to it and that is such a burden. <P>So, that is about as honest as I can be. I know some of you ladies have very big burdens that seem much greater than mine, so it is hard to even write this. But my discouragement is great today and it is a burden to continue to choose to love day in and day out in the absence of feelings.

SLW - I will be praying for you. Also, I wanted to share with you an article I had saved -- I think it is from Charlyne Cares. It helped me feel better this morning after I read it. God bless.....<P>Lord, I thank you deeply for this dear sister siftedlikewheat. Thank You Lord for allowing us to pray for her; please give us the right words to encourage her. Lord, I pray in the name of Your precious son, Jesus for healing in siftedlikewheat's heart. Father, bring to her Your peace that passes all understanding. Lord, I lift her up to you today, asking for an infilling of the Holy Spirit. Holy Spirit please intercede on her behalf to God, with groanings that we cannot understand. Lord, You are almighty, the One who can do all things. Father, we know it is Your will for this husband and wife to be reconciled and love each other. Lord, please hear siftedlikewheat's cry - fill her heart with a deep love for her husband, a love that can only come from You. Lord, she is willing, she desires to please You. Help her Father, to please you and be the wife You want her to be. Love her husband Lord through her. Let her heart be filled with gladness and joy Lord. Touch her today, lifting the veil of discouragement from her. Turn her heart Father to You. I pray that as she loves her husband, he will respond to that love with love in return for her. Lord, they are so close - please draw siftedlikewheat and her husband closer to You, uniting them as one before You, never to be divided. Let this restoration be a glorious testimony of your love and what You can do when hearts and lives are turned over to You. In Jesus' name I pray, AMEN.<P>=============================================<BR>THERE IS SUCH POWER IN THE WORD OF GOD! <P> "As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, So is my <P> Word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire, and achieve the purpose for<BR> which I sent it." Isaiah 55:10-11<P>My prayer for you today is that each of you will have the Holy Spirit reveal to you the POWER OF THE WORD OF GOD. I really believe that until we get to heaven many will NOT comprehend the true POWER THAT THERE IS IN THE WORD OF GOD.<P>Why am I emphasizing this so much? The reason is that I want you to think and pray about it. Ask the Lord if I am right. God's Word is God's commands and precepts to live by. Are God's promises to be believed? Yes. Is there power and life in God's Word? Yes. <B>Should we confess and claim scriptures with our name, our spouse's name and our loved ones names in them? Yes.</B> Will we see God change people <BR>and circumstances? Yes.<P> "But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night." Psalm 1:2<P>What is going to happen when we do this regularly throughout our day? <P> "He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does<BR>prospers." Psalm 1:3<P>May each of us have the Lord reveal to us the POWER IN THE WORD OF GOD THIS WEEK.<P> "He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you <BR>that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord." Deuteronomy 8:3 <P> "For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God....but the word of Lord stands forever." I Peter 1:23,25<BR>

Thank you AW. In the midst of your own struggles you find time and strength to encourage others. I am constantly humbled by you and the other women here.<P>Thanks for the reminder of the power of the Word. The Word has always been my strength and delight. I have experienced its power many times in my own life. This is the toughest battle I have had. The good part about being weary is I don't jump in and try to fix things myself - which generally interferes with what God is doing anyway. Often lately I find myself thinking, "I give up, I surrender" - and that is probably just where GOD wants me - at the utter point of surrender with no strength of my own left.

SLW,<P>Weekends always seemed to be the devils playground for me following D day. In fact every now and then my h would complain that we had our worst days on the weekends. I think it is mainly because we have more free time to think and we are not usually as busy. Anyways, I understand what you mean about attacks on the weekends.<P>Seems like feelings are often our worse enemies. We want to feel "in love" and we want to feel good about our relationships. I think that when we are coming off of a huge disappointment in marriage that we can't rely on feelings for a long time.<P>We have to go on the fact of God's word. We have to be obedient to what He wants no matter how we feel. It is rather like salvation, in the beginning we don't always feel very "saved", we lack assurance but we truly are saved no matter how we feel.<P>God doesn't want us looking at our feelings especially when we've been hurt. He wants us looking at Him. Focus on what God wants for you and not on feelings. I truly believe the feelings come later and we are often surprised by them.<P>You mentioned joy, the word of God says, "the joy of the Lord is our strength, and "joy comes in the morning", and "make a joyful noise to the Lord". Joy is not something defined by the world it is a spiritual blessing which we find in God alone.<P>Maybe you are trying too hard in your own strength and the weariness is God's way of letting you know He wants to take control. Sometimes we need to give our situations back to God moment by moment, its very hard letting go and letting God.<P>Father, give SLW your joy, may she sense your presence and rest in your sufficiency. Help her to leave the feeling of love with you and when it is in your plan give her the desires toward her h she hopes for. Replace any desire for this OP with desire for obedience to you. Help SLW to give no opportunity to Satan and in so doing bind him from any further attacks. IJN

Sifted, as I read your post, my mind was drawn to 1PE chapters 2 and 3. That doing what is right in spite of everything will bring rewards. I don't know a whole lot of your story other than you have chosen what is best by breaking off with the OM. Discouragement gives way for Satan to implant his carrots on a stick making it look like God's timing in some instances.<P>I looked up some standing firm verses for you:<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>Matt 10:22 All men will hate you because of me, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved. [23] When you are persecuted in one place, flee to another.<P>Luke 21:19 By standing firm you will gain life.<P> 1CO 15:58 Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.<P> 1CO 16:13 Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. [14] Do everything in love.<P>2CO 1:21 Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, [22] set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.<P>GAL 5:1 It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.<P>Eph 6:14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, [15] and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. [16] In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. [17] Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. [18] And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.<P> PHP 1:27 Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in one spirit, contending as one man for the faith of the gospel [28] without being frightened in any way by those who oppose you. This is a sign to them that they will be destroyed, but that you will be saved--and that by God. [29] For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him,<P>2TI 2:19 Nevertheless, God's solid foundation stands firm, sealed with this inscription: "The Lord knows those who are his," and, "Everyone who confesses the name of the Lord must turn away from wickedness."<P>James 5:8 You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord's coming is near.<P> 1PE 5:8 Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. [9] Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>For those who are in loveless marriages and are committed to the covenant must discover what else they can do to fill the hole and how to receive their joy in spite of the disharmony within the marriage. How are you filling the hole my sister? Has the Boundaries thread helped you to set limits on your hurts?<P>Father, I pray for great courage for Sifted, for renewal of strength and spirit, washed afresh in the Spring rain of your love, cleansing all around her and increasing the vibrancy of color and clarity in her eyes and heart. Father, give her the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that she may know you better. I pray also that the eyes of her heart may be enlightened in order that she may know the hope to which You have called her, the riches of Your glorious inheritance in the saints, and Your incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which You exerted in Christ when You raised him from the dead and seated him at Your right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And You placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.<P>Let her be filled to overflowing this day. May her worship of you be sweet to your ears, may she be surrounded by the heavenly body and protected from all evil that she may dweel in You and rest and be renewed and rejuvenated for the battle.<P>Father touch her husband this day and open his eyes to the wife he has. Fill him with your love for her and let him seek to understand her. Give him a desire to pursue her and to learn how to love her with the same passion that You love us. IJN, Amen.

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time to pray for me such powerful prayers. I printed off all your replies and read them carefully this morning in the warm sun of my bedroom. Lots of tears and lots of pain, which I think are the deep places in me which need healing. I can trust this pain to GOD and let Him bring it up and heal the wounds.<P>I'm feeling a little more encouraged at the moment, some of the deep heaviness of earlier this morning has lifted. In the deepest part of my heart I do desire God's will. So much of the battle is in the mind, I must discipline myself to run to Him right away when I feel the thoughts/feelings starting to get carried away.<P>Bless all of you this day!<BR>PS - our little hamster got out of her cage sometime yesterday evening. We couldn't find her and so had to go to bed knowing she was someone in the house. This morning I found her in the living room closet, all nestled in. Even for such small things I thand and praise God today. Our little hamster is safe in her cage again.<P>

Hi SLW, I started a reply to your post twice before. You've been so kind to post responses to my threads, and we seem to have many things in common. I hesitate to answer because I just don't have much encouragement to offer! <P>Lately I've been wondering if I have a marriage that even God would approve of ending. SLW, do you have any idea why your H is the way he is? Although my H has denied it in the past, I suspect my H is gay. He certainly isn't interested in me! But then he doesn't seem interested in anyone else either. Only himself. <P>SLW, I doubt I'd have the strength to resist an OM interested in me. You deserve a lot of credit for all the efforts you've already made. But you can't do it by yourself! Seek assistance from above and from your H. It's the most encouraging thing I can think of to say to you.

lonesome heart,<P>Your kind response really touched my heart. Bless you! And the few words you wrote really did encourage me.<P>I think I do have an idea why my husband is the way he is (I'm always the counselor!). I think it is a combination of factors. One is his personality. If you read the types, his is very gentle, doesn't like confrontation, hesitates to take the initiative and prefers to follow. So, that is the part GOD created. <P>Add to that a traumatic event at the age of 2 when he burned his chest badly with hot coffee. He had to be hospitalized for a number of weeks and in those days the parents couldn't stay overnight. I truly believe this traumatic event is impacting him today - and that God can heal him if he allows it.<P>Next, add to that a very passive, weak father as a role model. And then finally, a very strong, over-responsible wife (me). I can look back now and see all the times I just took care of everything and did way too much for him. My boundaries were not healthy and neither were his. I have been growing in this area over several years and am continuing to do that. So, I need to continue to learn healthy boundaries so I am only responsible for myself and let him (and God) be responsible for himself.<P>Phew! So, that is my "diagnosis" in a nutshell! I see that I literally have to get out of the way so my husband can begin growing and do his own work. It is hard for me to be patient for the fruits of the growth to be evidenced and enjoyed. Yet, ever so slowly I am seeing some rays of hope. My husband should be starting counseling soon (his doctor approved it) and he is starting to desire to change. That, at least, is a beginning. I think it will be a very slow process because he does tend to resist change and uncomfortable situations, so I will need a lot of patience and need to spend the time working on my own "logs".<P>As far as the OM, you are right. It was incredibly difficult and painful to resist him. It probably isn't wise to go into the details, but he is exactly the opposite of my husband and that touched very deep longings/needs inside myself. More than ever I understand what "committment" means in a marriage. It is the most difficult battle I have ever been in and the most painful sacrifice God has asked of me. And as you say, I absolutely cannot do it by myself. You can just imagine all the ways Satan has to discourage me and make me want to go a way that is in opposition to God's. It is purely a mental discipline of the mind each day - to walk by faith and not by sight (or feelings) and to keep looking forward, believing in the promises GOD has, even as they are yet unfulfilled. <P>God has been good to provide a few people who can support me and encourage me, as well as the lovely women on this forum. I truly see His helping hand in so many ways - opening doors of escape and guiding me in the right way, so I don't go further astray. I am thankful because I see now more than ever how easily we are led astray, especially when you get to such a place of discouragement and despair as I was, and you seem to be also.<P>I hope I didn't write too much. I am hesitant to reveal so much, especially about my husband, because he is so private. But sometimes we encourage others by our stories and I try to not dishonor him by what I say. <P>lonesome, keep posting and asking any questions you have. Thank you for understanding the struggle to resist what we can't have - so often on these forums others speak out so strongly and it hurts (although I know they are speaking out of their own hurt).<P>One last thought - you spoke about desire. Has your husband had his hormone levels tested? Has he had a physical? He probably should have a blood panel done (including thyroid and testosterone). If either of those are low they can cause/add to depression.<p>[This message has been edited by siftedlikewheat (edited September 26, 2000).]

I was reading the prayer requests and I felt like such an odd person out. Here I am looking for a way out, while others are struggling to preserve their marriages. I feel trapped in my situation because I truly fear my H would end up under a bridge without me. I really don't want that to happen. We are skating on such incredibly thin ice already. I think even consumer credit counselling would reject me. I still have faith that we can turn things around financially. We've been dangling by a thread and a prayer much too long for comfort. I know I'm carrying burdens for him, and perhaps it's holding him back in the growth he needs to do. <P>I keep searching for the right thing to do, praying to stay out of harm's way in the process. <P>SLW, can you share some of the boundaries you've set with your H?

lonesome heart,<P>Does your husband worry about ending up under a bridge (without you)? Why do you think that would happen?<P>lonesome, maybe you are doing the worrying for the both of you. When you do that, he doesn't have to worry (or be concerned) at all. I remember reading that somewhere and realized I often did that. I carried the responsibility and concern (and fretted) about things, so my husband didn't have to at all - he was free to not concern himself, because I was "taking care of it". You should not be the only one concerned about your financial situation. So, that is a boundary you might think about. Don't take on enough worry for the both of you.<P>Another thing I always did was anticipate needs and then take care of them - for everyone else. Before they even had to think about it. I thought I was being helpful and loving, but now I realize I was taking on responsibilities that weren't mine.<P>I am letting natural consequences be my H's teacher, rather than rescue him. That might mean missing an appointment, missing daughter's school bus (which happened recently and they had to drive 40 min. one way to the school). I let him figure out a way to avoid such things in the future (rather than jump in right away and "fix it") Also now I only mention something once. It is now his responsibility to find a way to remember - or to ask if he needs clarification. If he would like me to do something for him, I let him be responsible to ask - rather than me anticipate and offer it, without him having to think about it at all.<P>It seems almost trite to write about these things, but the accumulation of them is not a small thing, as you probably know. <P>Do you have any specific situations? I know the finances is a big concern for you. I really think you have to find a way to not do all the worrying for both you and your husband. He must begin to share the concern.<BR>I recommend you get some kind of counseling for yourself to help with specific matters. It is clear you need support in this struggle. It is a very real struggle and you can't continue in it alone.<P>lonesome, hope this helps. Does you husband know how desperate you are? Does he realize it?<P><p>[This message has been edited by siftedlikewheat (edited September 27, 2000).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>lonesome, maybe you are doing the worrying for the both of you. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>No maybe about it. I started a long time ago before I knew any better.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I am letting natural consequences be my H's teacher, rather than rescue him. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>I try to do this, but I'm not sure how. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>lonesome, hope this helps. Does you husband know how desperate you are? Does he realize it?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Tomorrow I'll be away from my desk and H will be around all day. I'm leaving our October budget (along with a current tally of our total debtload) in plain view. As things stand now, he'll bring home about 10% of our October financial needs. I can cover about 50%. We are down to the nitty gritty. The satellite dish went in January, the cell phone in February, the paper in April, no new clothes or shoes in three years, no doctors, no dentists. Just house, utilities, transportation, food, insurance, and a whole lot of unsecured debt. We've lost two dogs in the last year, and can't/won't get another one until we can afford vet bills. <P>I told him a year and half ago that our finances were in a serious downward spiral. I have skating on thin financial ice stretched to the thinnest layer I believe to be possible. Does he know we're in bad shape? Yes. Does he care? I don't know. Does he change his behavior? No. I don't know how boundaries apply to someone who's hands off in the first place. I feel forced into covering the other 40%. I'd much rather see him pull it in, but losing the roof over his head means the roof over my head too. I'm in a spot that I really don't like one bit! <BR>

lonesome, <P>I just posted a whole message to you and then lost it because I didn't have my password in correctly! Shoot! Now it is too late to start again, so I'll try tomorrow.<P>Just want to keep encouraging you to seek help from a counselor, keep learning here and keep praying. You don't need to accept your situation - you can expect more.

lonesome heart,<P>Just wondering how you are doing? Are you feeling a little more peace as you practice boundaries in your situation? Let me know how you are.

Thanks for asking, sifted. Last weekend I was plagued with persistent negative thoughts. All I wanted was out of this relationship. Lack of financial means to leave is what keeps me here. We're barely able to keep what we already have. <P>I have decided that my H's future is not my burden to bear. If he ends up under a bridge at some point, it's not my fault. I'm trying very hard to step back and make crystal clear that he's 50% responsible for the finances around here. Efforts in the past have been dismal failures. He gets depressed, says he sees no future, says he can't do anything more (I say bull pucky!). He oozes with talent and by golly he's going to cash in on the 4 years of hard work we've accumulated in our business. <P>My number one agenda item is to get on financial solid ground. In order to accomplish that, he needs to produce creative products that will bring significant income. I'm trying to cattle prod him along without stepping in and doing the work myself. He'll never be self sufficient if I do that. <P>If we can eliminate our debt in a short time, our bottom line then becomes VERY affordable. Then it'll be time for Plan B. It's time for lonesome heart to go on walkabout! <P>Last weekend I felt so sad, feeling like I was spinning my wheels, that this mess won't resolve itself the way I want. I remember to pray, but I can't quite manage to let go of defining how I want my prayers answered. I'm stubborn. But visualizing a plan for the future is part of what I needed. <P>I just hope I'm choosing the right path. I really have no expectations attached to the future of my marriage. It has lacked "essential ingredients" for so long that even God might bless us both if it ended. All I know is that things are going to change. I just hope I'm on the right path as I continue this journey.

Thanks for the update lonesome heart. Today you sound more sure of yourself and more hopeful. I think we start to despair when we are in a situation that seems like it won't ever change - and we don't know what we can do about it. <P>I think it is good you are not taking responsibility for your husband's future. He has to become concerned about it - and about himself. Concerned enough that he is motivated to seek help/change. <P>You wonder if you are on the right road. That is part of trying to understand how to have healthy/righteous boundaries. It can be confusing. Try to keep learning the Truth - read your Bible, pray, read books that can help to give you a right perspective. So that, as far as it depends on you, you will do what is right and godly. And that doesn't mean taking on responsibilities that belong to someone else, nor does it mean you have to be a doormat. We are called to love. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is take steps that will cause the other person to learn to take responsibility for themself. <P>Since it can get confusing and be "crazy making" you still might want to try counseling. Ask God to continue to give you wisdom and guidance.<P>Things for me are starting to change, as we both are changing. I have stopped taking care of what isn't mine (and stopped being so controlling, as I used to be), and my husband is starting to pick up responsibilities. He feels good about himself and I don't feel so burdened. There is still a lot to learn, but it is a beginning. I am trying to look at the log in my own eye (as we have heard so often on this forum) and just be responsible for that. I know it may sound easier than it is, especially when the other person isn't changing, even if we are. Just concentrate on establishing healthy boundaries for yourself - no matter what happens you will be able to enjoy healthier relationships in your life. <P><p>[This message has been edited by siftedlikewheat (edited October 04, 2000).]