Set your VCR. I don't know who she has as a guest, but this should provide some interesting fodder for MB'ers.<BR>I'll be there.<P>Karenna<P>------------------<BR>A true friend is one who not only is willing to love us the way we are, but is able to leave us better than he found us.<P>

from the websight http//www.oprah.com<P>Do you have a hard time standing up for yourself? Do you keep agreeing to do things that you really don't want to do? Do you tolerate rude comments or pushy people because you can't handle conflict? Do you take things personally? <P>Thousands of you told us in an online poll that the quality you most want to develop in your lives setting boundaries. <P>Lifestyle Makeover expert Cheryl Richardson says that creating stronger boundaries is the number one way for most women to improve their lives. Today she shows you how to stand up for yourself! Set personal boundaries and free yourself from the "disease to please" with these three steps! <P>Setting Personal Boundaries<BR>Step One: Self-Awareness<BR>The first step in learning to set boundaries is self-awareness. For example, pay close attention to the situations when you lose energy, feel a knot in your stomach, or want to cry. Identifying where you need more space, self-respect, energy, or personal power is the first step. <P>Another way to identify your boundaries is by completing these three sentences with at least 10 examples. Do it right here on our Lifestyle Makeover Weekly Challenge Message board. <BR>1. People may not ___________. <BR>Examples <BR>Go though my personal belongings <BR>Criticize me <BR>Make comments about my weight <BR>Take their anger out on me <BR>Humiliate me in front of others <BR>Tell off-color jokes in my company <BR>Invade my personal space <BR> <BR>2. I have a right to ask for ____________. <BR>Examples <BR>Privacy <BR>A new hairstyle from an old stylist <BR>Peace and quiet while getting a massage <BR>Help around the house <BR>More information before making a purchase <BR>Quiet time to myself <BR> <BR>3. To protect my time and energy, it's OK to _________________. <BR>Examples <BR>Turn the ringer off on the phone <BR>Take my time returning calls or e-mails <BR>Change my mind <BR>Bow out of a volunteer activity <BR>Cancel a commitment when I'm not feeling well <BR>Reserve a place in my home that is off-limits to others <BR> <BR>Step Two: Setting Your Boundaries<BR>Start setting simple but firm boundaries with a graceful or neutral tone. This will feel uncomfortable at first but, as you take care of yourself, the personal power you gain will make it easier. <BR>1.Be sure to have support in place before and after each conversation<P>2.Vent any strong emotions with your partner before having your boundary conversation.<P>3.Use simple, direct language. Here are some examples: To set a boundary with an angry person:<BR>"You may not yell at me. If you continue, I'll have to leave the room." <BR> To set a boundary with personal phone calls at work:<BR>"I've decided to take all personal calls in the evening in order to get my work done. I will need to call you later." <BR> To say no to extra commitments:<BR>"Although this organization is important to me, I need to decline your request for volunteer help in order to honor my family's needs." <BR> To set a boundary with someone who is critical:<BR>"It's not okay with me that you comment on my weight. I'd like to ask you to stop." <BR> To buy yourself time when making tough decisions:<BR>"I'll have to sleep on it, I have a policy of not making decisions right away."<BR>"I want you to know that I won't be making a decision today. I'd like to gather information" <BR> To set a boundary with a hair stylist:<BR>"I love what you've done with my hair, but I'm ready for a change. I'd like to talk about a new hairstyle." <BR> To back out of a commitment:<BR>"I know I agreed to head up our fundraising efforts, but after reviewing my schedule, I now realize that I won't be able to give it my best attention. I'll need to bow out. I'd like to help find a replacement by the end of next week. <BR> To set a boundary with an adult child who borrows money:<BR>"I won't be lending you money anymore. I love you and you need to take responsibility for yourself." <BR>4.When setting boundaries, there is no need to defend, debate or over-explain your feelings. Be firm, gracious and direct. When faced with resistance, repeat your statement or request.<P>5.Back up your boundary with action. Stay strong. If you give in, you invite people to ignore your needs. <P><BR>Step Three: Strengthen Your Internal boundries<BR>One of the reasons that women take things personally is because they have weak "internal boundaries." An internal boundary is like an invisible shield that prevents you from taking in a comment without checking it out first. For example, when someone accuses you of being arrogant, you stop and consider the statement *before* taking it in. <P>Norissa takes everything so personally it is taking a toll on her health. Why she needs to learn set internal boundaries. <P>When you use this internal shield (especially with difficult people like an ex-spouse or critical parent) it gives you time to ask yourself the following three questions: <P>How much of this is true about me? <BR>How much of this is about the other person? <BR>What do I need to do (if anything) to regain my personal power or stand up for myself? <BR>Cheryl says this last question is very important. Too often women neglect to stand up for themselves by avoiding confrontation and end up weakening their internal shield, making it harder to set boundaries at all. So, if someone offends you, it may be necessary to let them know in order to protect and strengthen your internal boundaries. <P>Take the Lifestyle Makeover Weekly Challenge — Thousands of women have joined in the past two weeks — you can too! Become Aware of Your Boundaries — Cheryl challenges you to complete the following three sentences... <P>Let this year be *your* year! Join thousands of other Lifestyle Makeover members and commit to making the positive changes that will allow you to live your best life. Take Lifestyle Makeover Weekly Challenge and share success with others. <P>Each week Cheryl will challenge you to make a change that will improve your life. <BR>Read through the challenge, your next step is to post the specific actions you'll take during the week. <BR>Then, once you've taken the actions, return to the message board and share your success. <BR>Our new weekly message boards will give you an opportunity to be accountable to thousands of other women. <P>This week I invite you to become aware of when and where you need to set boundaries. To do this, finish the following three sentences . . . <P>1. People may not . . . <BR>2. I have a right to ask for . . . <BR>3. To protect my time and energy, it's okay to . . . <P>List at least 10 items for each example (more if you can!). <P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Irene

1. People may not . . . <BR>2. I have a right to ask for . . . <BR>3. To protect my time and energy, it's okay to . . . <P>List at least 10 items for each example (more if you can!). <P>1.People may not: <BR>1. interrupt me. <BR>2.treat me like dirt.<BR>3. make me feel guilty in order to manipulate me.<BR>4. disrespect me.<BR>5. hurt my feelings in order to build themselves up.<BR>6. step all over me.<BR>7. make me feel as though I am worthless. <BR>8. insult me or my friends without a very firm response.<BR>9. make me feel alone. <BR>10.have more controle over my life and emotions then I do.<P>I have a right to ask for: <BR>1.love. <BR>2.support. <BR>3.friends that care.<BR>4.someone that I can share my life with. <BR>5.respect.<BR>6.help.<BR>7.honesty.<BR>8.a good friend.<BR>9.a hug. <BR>10.peace in my heart. <P>To protect my time and energy it's okay to:<BR>1.take a quiet time every day to be with God and get things straight.<BR>2.depend on God more then anyone else in my life.<BR>3.Pray<BR>4.SAY NO <BR>5.think about what i do and say before I do it.<BR>6.learn to take care of myself more.<BR>7.Not feel guilty for taking care of myself.<BR>8.Let my needs be known<BR>9.slow down.<BR>10.not personalize everything.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Scared and lonely (edited February 05, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Scared and lonely:<BR><B>1. People may not . . . <P><BR>1. interrupt me. <BR>2.treat me like dirt.<BR>3. make me feel guilty in order to manipulate me.<BR>4. disrespect me.<BR>5. hurt my feelings in order to build themselves up.<BR>6. step all over me.<BR>7. make me feel as though I am worthless. <BR>8. insult me or my friends without a very firm response.<BR>9. make me feel alone. <BR>10.have more controle over my life and emotions then I do.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Irene, this is a good start, <I>but</I> I think you are going to have some problems and it may not work well for you. These items are too vague for one thing, and your goals put the responsibility on the wrong person for another thing.<P>For example, <P>#2 is too vague. What does being treated like dirt look and sound like? We all know what it feels like, but what describable actions evoke that feeling within YOU?<P>#3, #4, & #6 are similarly too vague. Describe exactly what behavior that is in your opinion.<P>#1 is excellent. <BR>#8 is great. "Insult" is specific, and "firm response" is too, and is a great goal. Now line up some "firm responses" to call upon when the time comes. <P>#5, #7, and #9 indicate another symptom of not having your personal boundaries in place. No body else can ever MAKE you feel anything. How you feel is a result of your very own thought processes. Your attitude and cognitive habits determine what feeling you are likely to create in response to an offense. When you take responsibility for how you feel, the job will be 97% done!<P>#10 deserves special comment. If you feel that others have more control over how you feel, or what you do in your life than you do, it is because you have handed that power over to them. Yes. Take back that power. This process is an excellent start! No one can MAKE you feel anything. <P>And you can't make someone else feel anything either! If someone chooses to feel "hurt" or rejected or whatever in response to an honest fact expressed in a respectful manner, or a disagreement over something that has two legitimate points of view, then that is their choice and you are not responsible for their feeling.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B><BR>I have a right to ask for: <BR>1.love. <BR>2.support. <BR>3.friends that care.<BR>4.someone that I can share my life with. <BR>5.respect.<BR>6.help.<BR>7.honesty.<BR>8.a good friend.<BR>9.a hug. <BR>10.peace in my heart. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You can certainly <B>ask</B> for anything, but that doesn't mean you have the right to have it. What you do have the RIGHT to have is treatment with respect and dignity (#5 & #7). The rest of your list are gifts that must be freely given from the heart to have any meaning at all. You have the right to BE a good friend, to GIVE a hug if it is wanted, to support yourself, to search after peace in your heart.<P>Try listing things you deserve from the common decency standard rather than from a sense of entitlement beyond mortal reason. You may presume upon God for these things, but not your family and friends. Not that you won't get them if you ask nicely, just try to separate what you have a RIGHT to, from what you desire. We "<I>win</I>" friends, remember? They are not free or unearned perqs.<P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>To protect my time and energy it's okay to:<BR>1.take a quiet time every day to be with God and get things straight.<BR>2.depend on God more then anyone else in my life.<BR>3.Pray<BR>4.SAY NO <BR>5.think about what i do and say before I do it.<BR>6.learn to take care of myself more.<BR>7.Not feel guilty for taking care of myself.<BR>8.Let my needs be known<BR>9.slow down.<BR>10.not personalize everything.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This list is perfect! IMHO <P><p>[This message has been edited by Karenna (edited February 06, 2001).]