SueB, <BR>How is your son doing with his treatments? <BR>How is his attitude? <BR>Think he's ready for Faith soon? <P>How have the boundaries affected the demands from your H?<P>hw, When is your graduation? How is your younger kid dealing with all this? And yourself?<P>Anybody else care to update us on how POPW or Boundaries has affected their marriage or life in the last few months?<P>We are doing pretty well these days. I couldn't have predicted that it would be this stable a year ago! My kids are pretty happy, I have more openness and feel I can be honest with H without fear of physical retribution. I no longer fear any physical violence, and don't try to avoid setting off his temper either. I do need to keep up the prayer campaign.

We are still doing better and better each day, with some emotional problems (nightmares and insomnia still) for me, but<P>God has really been working in my h's heart as I<BR>SHUT UP AND PRAY<P>H is still just talking about going to the men's accountability lunch, as opposed to showing up for it and our dear old pastor friend has nudged him a bit more. <P>We have been in recovery since labor day of 1999. No formal church discipline has taken place, just loving counsel from guys who knew him from choir etc. <P>H seems bothered by the knowledge that if I asked the pastor he could be removed from the rolls and asked that he not take communion, which he stopped voluntarily with his confession...(had no compunction about taking it during A). I haven't threatened or even mentioned this, but he brings it up occasionally...his conscience has returned in full.<P>(For background: Christian husband, ex-deacon who was a believer for 17 years, who after affair no longer thinks God can heal or forgive his 14 month affair with coworker which ended in April of 99.)<P>Perhaps he will finally attend this meeting on Friday, he really likes and respects the guys in it.<P>thanks in advance for praying,<BR>lizzie

They are good questions Karenna. My son finished his radiation last Friday. His hair did fall out near where he had the radiation but the rest of his hair remained and so covers the loss. My son goes back in June for the next series of tests to assess progresss. he says he still thinks that perhaps not all is well in the neck area, but the docs at this point thinks that the things he is feeling is scar tissue rather than new lumps/CA.<P>As far as his spiritual life goes, I am not sure that he is any closer to making that step of faith. He continues to remain friends with the young man who has such a heart for God and sometimes I think he is watching me and what I do with this marriage to see if I keeep the covenant.<P>My marriage seems much the same though I am quieter and more firm in my resolution and boundaries. It is funny. I watch my married friends and I had forgotten how fun it was to laugh and joke and be silly in a marriage, to tease and to flirt, etc with the man you love. It amazes me of how rigid I have become in response to the unkindness experienn hasced here. I think I lost a part of me somewhere and when I am away with friends, those characteristics slowly show back up before I leave to go back home only to go back into hiding once the plane lands. <P>The stopping action of removing smoking from my many behaviors has increased my awareness of how I have avoided feelings in the past and how the action of smoking was used to facilitate stuffing feelings. Out of that then, I have discovered a pocket of anger that needs to be removed from my life and I have begun to dig through that. God has seen me through 9 weeks of not smoking and I am so much more aware of addiction issues and how the 12 steps are necessary in my life. I have done lots of griefwork these past months and I think god timed my menopausal crazies at the same time so that I could not stuff all these feelings inside. sometimes they just pour out all over the place. Sigh. <P>So I guess in some ways, I feel the progress on my marriage is pretty much nil, but the progress God is making in me is phenomenal. We pray out of our need and He fills the needs we didn't even know we had. I still do not know what God is going to do about my marriage or how long I will be here, but I do feel him leading me in different directions of things, like one of my H complaints is that I am a controlling person, so God has me making no decisions or actions and allowing the natural consequences to occur. I dread what I will be going home to this time, but I do know that God is in control. I know that God wants me to stop enabling and covering up for my H and is showing a different perspective about how Love covers. Kind of like the shut up and pray thing Liz was talking about.<P>The conference I went to continues to impact me in regards to grace being something that we don't deserve and yet deparately need. I really am only seeing the multi-colored threads from the bottom of a stitchery right now with all the colors and knots and threads askew. I can't wait for God to show me the picture from the top, so that I can see how all thingss fit together. I can only trust him until then.<BR>

Karenna,<P>I wish I had a more cheery update.<P>First the good news: I graduate on May 7th. I can't believe the two years has already gone by! Both daughters will attend my graduation.I also take the CSW exam (certified social worker) on June 4th at 8:00 am.<P>h wants to meet with a divorce mediator as soon as possible.<P>I am trying to delay until after June 4th, which is the day of my examination for certification.<P>I am a little down but in a day or two I will be myself again. But this is the pits. Both daughters are very upset. h doesn't think either of them will be bothered. Both cried in school all day.<P>So thanks for asking. I hope to do Tuesday prayer again if not this week by next week. <BR>hw

Things are pretty much the same in the AW household.... husband still drinks WAY too much, I pray. The Lord has given me a couple of glimpses of His hand in my dh's life. Recently my h said the prayer at dinner, and he wasn't making a joke of it! There's been a few other times that he has said things that reinforced my belief that the Lord is speaking to his heart.<P>POPW has always been the book I go back to when I feel like things are getting out of hand. I take so much comfort in those prayers and praying them again for us. Of all the faith-based books I have read, POPW has definitely influenced me the most. I love this book!!!<P>SueB, I'm so glad you've quit smoking! Praise God for the great things He is doing for you and in you. He is so very real to me these days.<P>Karenna, I'm praising God with you for the great improvements in your marriage. What a blessing to hear of the positive things that are happening. Thank you for posting your update.<P>Lizzie, I am so glad you all are doing well!! I haven't heard our motto in a while "Shut Up And Pray"! That may well be the best motto I have ever learned. That is great that his conscience has returned in full. That is one of the things I pray for in my husband, for the Lord to instill in him a profound conscience. <P>hw - dear sister, congrats!!! that you will graduate next week! Wow, that is really an accomplishment. Especially since you have been in such a trial during your schooling. <BR>Your h is dead wrong if he thinks his trying to move towards a divorce won't affect your daughters. It is a deeply traumatic experience, and I'm sure will hurt them terribly. I am praying that the Lord intervenes and causes his heart to be turned away from the "d" word. God bless you hw, I wish your h could see what a precious jewel he is losing. <P>Praying for all you you ladies. God bless,<P>AW

I am back from the latest trip West. My son has finished his radiation treatments for now and will be retested in June to determine progress in stopping the disease. It seems like my son has a desire to sow his oats quickly right now, but that is only a guess. Continue to pray for his healing and for his relationship with the Lord.<P>On the home front, I think God is working too. I am not sure if I can explain this correctly or not, but will try. Those of you who have been praying with me know the areas of conflict within our marriage. HNHN talks much about the wonders of conflict, negotiation, etc., but what has previously occured is that the conflict is identified and then all communication stops, silence and withdrawal occurs and nothing is ever resolved. <P>At any rate, I guess the situation has progressed that I realize living on a rooftop doesn't sound so hard for me and I have set some mighty strong boundaries right now. The usual dance occurred last night regarding conflict and I guess somehow the idea got across that conflict is important piece to fighting FOR the marriage. It was a very long evening but at least I felt like maybe if we could keep the battle/dialog going, there might be some hope. So continue to pray for this as well please.<P>HW, please send me your address again. I lost all addresses in the last puter crash and need you all to patiently resend to me. Happy graduation my sister. Know I am praying for you. Are you feeling like he was only being civil and supportive until you finished school and could get your own job? How are the girls doing? How can we support you during this painful time? I do sometimes it seems like too much effort to even write a sentence on the forum. Hugs to you!

Sue,<P>Glad to hear from you and know you are home safe. I couldn't quite tell from your note if things at home were the same or better?<P>As for me, I don't really know what to think. We had a discussion last night and I think we are misinterpreting each other's words. It seems like anything I say is taken as negative, It seems like anything he ever said positive about us or me during our entire marriage was a lie. It is so hard to understand that whenever he talks to me, it makes him suicudal. In other words his reaction to having a conversation with me is that he becomes defensive and suicidal. I am totally baffled. I try hard not to say negative things to him unless he is mistreating me, but then I stick to the specific item. "Happy graduation" Yes, I guess he didn't want to bring up the topic until I was doen, but wamoo immediately. I can't enjopy it for a week even.<P>I'll write you an email. I am praying for your son, Sue.<P>I think prayers are the best way to give me support. Prayer that I would really turn and depend on the Lord, I have been discouraged. And pray for my h. It hurts me so much to know that he is so tormented that he is suicidal.<P>I have to wonder though, if he is so through with me and us, why do I have such an effect on him. You would think he would be indifferent.<P>Thanks, everyone. hw

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I have to wonder though, if he is so through with me and us, why do I have such an effect on him. You would think he would be indifferent.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is called "emotional fusion," hw. I see it all the time in folks who have been divorced even for eight years or more. Divorce is not the answer. Differentiation is.

Karenna,<P>I agree, now if only my h would. I also know that my h has to convince himself that he hates me in order to go through with it. In the past 2 years when he has been hard toward me and then softened he would say "you're too hard to hate." He knows there is nothing to hate, but he is using anything he can to solidfy his position.<BR>Thanks Karenna.