I am making plans to separate from my H. After one year of trying to learn the lesson of boundaries, I think I have the right reasons at last. The pain of my marriage is extreme, and I learned last Friday that living with a man who has untreated ptsd can in turn cause ptsd in me. I may have it already. All I know is I need some solitude, real soon, to have time to heal and nurture my soul back to health. <P>It will be devastating for my H. I don't want to hurt him, but staying with him is hurting me. My H's capacity for handling stress is practically nonexistent. He could have visited friends in Houston this weekend, but refuses to drive in Houston traffic by himself. Said he'd get a panic attack. I worry that he'll go off the deep end if I tell him too many things at once. I really don't expect him to change much, and my desire for reconciliation really isn't there. <P>I want the separation to happen this month. Two friends today told me to file for divorce immediately. I haven't broken any speed records to date, and I don't see any reason to start now. I'm thinking I'll tell my H I want a 6-month separation and that I want him to move out. I'm willing to be the one who goes, but my financial support of the household goes with me. If he moves to a smaller town with a lower cost of living, he could probably make ends meet with what he earns now. I really don't see any reason to discuss divorce at this point. What do y'all think?

Hi LH,<P>Gosh, I don't know - I know the pain you have been in has really dampered your spirit. I will just send you hugs, pray for wisdom to be given to you, and let you know that I support whatever decision you make.<P>(((lonesomeheart)))<P>God Bless You<BR>TnT

Hi LH,<P>I hear you. I left my ex-H, I believed for my sanity more than anything else. <P>It sounds like you have a good handle on this -- don't let the opinions of your friends change what you know to be your truth. <P>In my case, when things settled down, I could look back and see where I'd moved too quickly, and too slowly... and yes, there were regrets. Regrets suck. Just make sure you don't have any...<P>I'll be praying...

Hi lil sis,<P>Lots to think about I know. It really sounds like he needs that inpatient treatment doesn't it? Poor guy is allowing his feelings to control his very life, just like my H. They are missing so very much that life has to offer. You can't help but hurt for them.<P>We, however, cannot live our lives dancing around their mental health issues. We can go places that are fun and life-giving even if others do not want to go. We can develop friendships with others who care about us as individuals. I guess the question about separation is what purpose does it serve? <P>Obviously if we do not have to look at our problems every day, it does feel more peaceful. I am only guessing LH, but since you have been together for so many years, the beginning years, there still a shred of hope that something will strike your H like a bolt of lightening and what once was will be again. You care enough about him to want good things for him, to not want him to suffer from the PTSD, to break the bondage that his emotional crazies keep him in.<BR> <BR>We have gone through learning about how to pray for our husbands in POPW, to learning about boundaries from BIM and discovering that more than anything else we have been encouraged to take the log out of our own eyes,....by this I mean, did we pray for our husbands because we wanted God to fix them (probably in the beginning [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] but did we not learn that God was teaching us to love our husbands to pray for good things for them, to be compassionate about all aspects of their lives, work, spiritual, etc. Praying for our Husbands taught us to love as Jesus loved, as he prayed for us, to the point of sweating blood, in order to be in the Father's will. Jesus didn't have it made in his life, so why do we expect our lives to be different. Just as He didn't have to go through it alone, neither do we. <P>Did we not learn in BIM, that it is our own selves that we set boundaries on. That more than anything we wish we had some magic wand that would make them see how they are hurting us and themselves and the relationship, but in the end, the only thing we can control is our own selves and our behavior. This has been a hard task for me to learn because I do wish my H would not have to experience such pain or that I wouldn't for that matter. <P>So, again, is the 6 month period in hopes....???? I am not saying it is a bad idea. We all agree that God hates divorce. I guess my question is what would be different without him in the house. Are you now limited to go out and use the gifts God gave you for His purpose and be blessed in the process? I am becoming more aware that the only limitations have been the ones I put on myself. If I am doing what I believe God would have me do to serve in His name and my H complains etc., then perhaps this is God's way of working on him, so that he can see grace in action around him.<P>I don't know girlfriend. I just wanted you to know I think of you and I pray for you.<P>Hugs!

Thank you tnt, nyneve and sueb for responding. SueB, you asked what purpose does the separation serve. In my mind, I feel uneasy about revealing all of the truth at once to him. First and foremost right now, I need some solitude, some time to heal. My H's ptsd severely impairs his ability to handle stress. If he can't handle Houston traffic, I have no comprehension of how he'll handle a divorce. I have no comprehension of how he'll handle a separation. <P>I guess I want to ask for separation first because going our separate ways is a process, not something that happens in one day. It was through my own choice that I took on the parent role in this relationship. He abdicated his responsibilities, and I unwisely shouldered them for him. I am the one who's changed. I believe his mental state is fragile. I feel obligated to handle him with care. This entire year I have done fewer and fewer things for him. He seems to be adjusting, ever so slowly, and my spirit is waning in the process. I have a choice between immediate action of divorce or a gradual transition via separation. So far, I've leaned toward gradual transition. I have a feeling that asking for divorce will mean the men in white suits to come get my H. A separation might have the same effect, but my gut tells me he could handle it better.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>...was through my own choice that I took on the parent role in this relationship.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>Do you think that could or would change if you separated? If you stayed together?<P>It still seems, that even through the separation plan you are still shielding him.... Maybe it is better to stop shielding him now, while you are still together - and try that out for a while? See if it helps you in coping? <P>Just a thought...<P>Love ya<BR>TnT

Hi LH,<P>How are you doing? So seperation...is that what you really want? <P>I will pray that you get guidance and a peace of heart. Seperation might give him the wake up call or not. But at least a plan b (modified I know) might give you time to heal you. <P>Let me know how you are doing. I have been praying for everyone here.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>It still seems, that even through the separation plan you are still shielding him.... Maybe it is better to stop shielding him now, while you are still together - and try that out for a while? See if it helps you in coping? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thank you tnt. Yes, I would be shielding him temporarily. When I separated from him last time, here is the email he sent me a few days later:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Dear estranged wife,<BR>Gee i wished you weren't so sneaky about things. I'm sorry that I forced you to move, for whatever reason. So I'll be leaving this weekend, I don't know to where as my life is empty and my mind has died. will live out of the car i guess as i have no plan. Will try and cash my check at some check-cashing place I don't know how that works. Also I will tell my boss tomorrow that I won't be back. Right now i'm in a fog with only a dark and dead-ended future.....Take care and again i'm sorry maybe your future will be brighter. I would like you to remove my website from the web and please don't post any of my pictures I would like you to deleat them from my computer as well as everything else about me I don't exsist anymore. also cancel my ISP, that should save you money as this is the last time I well be on line.....I'm truely sorry things did not work out, I do hope for the best for you and I still love you....Good bye<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Having a rational discussion about our marriage or our finances is impossible. He shouts me down, shuts me out, and then pretends everything is ok. It is emotional abuse. As you can see from his email last December, when I take action to remove myself from the situation, he talks about an empty life, a dark future, a mind that has died. He's also threatened on a regular basis to destroy his artwork when things aren't going his way. I can't think of a single threat that he's ever carried out. So on one hand, I think he manipulates me with his threats. On the other hand, I worry about being wrong. It's like living with a sleeping dragon. The dragon's asleep right now. I don't want to wake the dragon, and I want the dragon to be somewhere else. I want very much to be rescued. That hasn't panned out these last 11 months. I've been patient and quiet before the Lord. Now I'm thinking it might be more appropriate to put my sights on "the Lord helps those who help themselves."

Hi LH,<P>I know when Tony would treaten suicide while we argued. I would just tell him that if he thought I would feel guilty if he killed himself to think again. I would go on about how each of us had choices. Tony would then shut up.<P>I think your H is manipulating you. The best thing I did for me was tough love. Tony still trys to manipulate me and emotionally abuse me. It is hard to remain strong in these situations. <P>It is hard I know. No matter what I always felt like the bad person...but I know I am not.

My heart is heavy. There is only so much a person can do when one has a mental illness and refuses treatment. God could heal him if he came to God and asked. Perhaps psychiatry could help him as well. <P>You can only do what you can. Don't take his illness on yourself. Protect your core from his attacks. <P>Walk with God and see where the Spirit leads!<P>I am praying for you. ((((((((LH))))))))

Karenna,<BR>You bring tears to my eyes. I am honored to receive a cyberhug from such a trial-tested prayer warrior as yourself. Thank you for your prayers. <P>I am paving a path a mile wide to the veteran center for him. I am seeking an exit that will cause as few waves as possible. I am praying that he might find peace within his own soul within this lifetime. I made an appointment with the vet center for October 30th. Please pray that my H is the one who keeps that appointment. Depending on how things go, I will get some counselling for myself if H doesn't. <P>I visited with the vet counsellor once so far and the C recommended I remove the firearm from our home. She freaked me out with that advice. Once I decided it was probably the best thing, the next step is.... what do I do with it????? And where is it? Since that time I found his gun and removed it from the house. I purchased a locking chest and put the gun inside. I photographed it and prepared a written statement to go with it. I made three copies and had each one notarized. One copy is with the chest, one is with me, and the third one I handed into the vet center today, with the key. <P>The statement clearly indicates that I am taking advice received from the center in removing the gun. The location of the chest is not revealed. If H ever (notices) wants his gun back, he'll need to consult with the center to get the key. If, and only if, I receive assurance that H poses no probable risk of injury to himself or others while posessing his gun, the center may contact me to retrieve the locked chest. All this is probably a non-issue. Two years could go by without H ever noticing the gun's not buried in the bottom of his file drawer anymore. Boy howdy, I can tell you I've gone through the wringer on this. <P>Meanwhile, our financial status is still down the tubes. I need to seek legal advice on bankruptcy, separation and divorce. I called the attorney referral service today to get a name. Please pray that I connect with the attorney who can help me best. And pray for me to keep my composure. I wonder if I do have ptsd myself. When I spoke with the vet center, I crumbled into a breakwater of tears. I want to be in better control of my emotions when I speak with an attorney. <P>Thank you ladies for your support. I'm really struggling with all this.

Hi lonesome heart,<P>I look here for your updates and am praying for you. It is a very hard time, even if you believe you are doing the right thing. So, you can expect to burst into tears. You are under a very heavy burden.<P>Keep your eyes on God, He is your refuge and strength - a very present help in trouble. He will carry you. (When I am going through times that seem to be crushing me, I imagine God holding me in His arms, safely and securely).<P>My thoughts and prayers are with you. Keep us updated.

Thank you everyone for keeping tabs on me. Today H noticed that the gun was missing. He asked if I took it and I said yes. He said he wanted it back. I gave him the notarized statement I had prepared, telling him that the gun was removed for safety reasons on the advice I received from the veteran center. The paper also stated he needs to visit a counsellor at the center to get his gun back. <P>He ripped it up and said I was blackmailing him. Then he said I have violated his constitutional rights. I said I have a different point of view and there's nothing he can say that will make my point of view match his. Then he said he was going to be dead by his birthday (coming up soon on November 1). I said comments like that are precisely the reason the gun is no longer in this house. He said I've killed his spirit, and he'll never forgive me for what I've done. <P>The sleeping dragon has been awakened and angered. Pray for my H ladies. He needs that counselling from the veteran center. An appointment has been scheduled for the 30th. Pray that his heart will soften, that his eyes will open, that he will go where he can get help.<p>[ October 21, 2001: Message edited by: lonesome heart ]

Abba, You are our one and only, our protector, our strength, our source of comfort, the one who loved us so much that you allowed your son to go to the cross that he might be the bridge of reconcilliation. Draw near to us Father and place an umbrella of safety over us. Father, I especially lift up our sister LH that she might experience comfort from your presence, as well as encouragement to continue to walk and speak in love and truth before her husband. I lift up her husband that you might intervene to soften his heart and remove the blinders that he might see his need for you, that his hearing of the evil one's lies might be blocked, taken from the darkness and exposed to the light of truth. I pray that you would whisper in his ear how much you love him, that he would be strengthened to keep the VA appointment and then take the necessary steps to regain his health and confidence in himself. Break the bonds from his past Father. Thank you for loving and caring about all things, for your instructions that we place all burdens on you so that we can carry your easier to bear yoke. Bring encouragers to LH this week Father, provide her with your wisdom regarding finances and all business matters. Touch their marriage and health the hurts of both. IJN, Amen.

Lonesome,<P>Only because you asked me to post a reply am I going to.<P>I read all the posts on this Thread, I have concerns for your saftey.<P>I think that your leaving is the only acceptable course in your situation. You must at all costs protect yourself from a mentally ill spouse.<P>I realize that he can't control his mental illness, but then neither can you.<P>Good luck to you<P>Gods Speed.<P>-Kat-

LH,<p>I have not written because I couldn't log in. But finally it is solved.<p>Oh, LH, what a tough spot! My heart goes out for you, for all you have endured and are still. Sounds like giving the gun to the vet's center was a good idea with the condition of counseling.
There is not much I can say, others have said it so well.<p>Father, I ask that you be with LH directing her every step. Lord, be her perfect love, comfort, peace, rest, shelter from the storm, grace and mercy. Lord let her pray for her husband. Lord, I pray that her h is able to keep his appointment and get the help he so desperately needs! Oh, Father only you have an answer. Lord, just be with LH in a powerful way so she can feel your arms sourround her during this difficult time. Lord be her strength and peace. In Jesus name.<p>I will pray for you both.<p>hw

Update. Monday H was acting as if nothing unusual happened on Sunday. That night I asked him if he was still mad at me. He said he was upset. I said there's benefits at the veteran center if he would only go in there. He said it's not worth it. I said, even if it means living on your own with the income you currently earn? He said, well, I wouldn't be able to stay here. I said, no, you wouldn't. I said, staying here is a possibility if you would file for some benefits. <p>He said, those benefits are for guys who had their arms and legs blown off. You weren't there. You'd feel the same way if you had been there. I said, no, I wasn't there, but I don't know that I'd feel the same way you do even if I had been there. What I do know is I can't stay with you unless you get some help. He said, I'll end up homeless. I said, that would be your choice. It doesn't have to be that way, but it's really up to you. He said, give me a couple of weeks. Now that I'm typing this, I realize that what he said is ambiguous. At the time, I took it to mean that he wants a couple of weeks to find a place to go. <p>Next week I will keep the Oct 30th appointment at the veteran center. I meet with my marriage(turned divorce) counsellor on Wednesday. On Friday, I have an appointment with an attorney. <p>I lift up my H that he might find peace in this lifetime. I pray that he has food and adequate shelter at all times. I pray that he can be healed from all the pain and hurt he has experienced in his life. I pray for all good things to happen to him.

hw,
It's so good to hear from you. We must've been posting at the same time. Thank you for your prayers. In the last week, I feel more "guided" than before. Once I finally got up my gumption to start speaking the truth, I can feel a path in front of me. Keep those prayers comin' my way.<p>hw, wasn't it you who recently completed your studies for becoming a social worker? Do you know what LMSW is?

LH,<p>The L stands for licensed so Licensed Master's of Social work. Where I live you graduate with an MSW (Master's of Social Work) and then have to pass a test to become a CSW (Certified Social Worker). The CSW holds a little bit more weight. Usually in states that have LMSW it means the individual has had to work so many additional supervised hours after their MSW and may also have had to take the test I did, then they are licensed. In my state we do not licensing as such, yet.<p>It is hard and we want to protect those we love especially when we know they are vulnerable. But as I have learned (the hard way) it is almost always better to speak the truth in love. I wish I had done that a very long time ago. I do it now, and although I don't see the fruits I feel better about our interactions.<p>I am praying! hw

LH, <p>How are you? Have you seen an attorney? Have you moved out? Has he gone to the vet center?<p>I pray you are safe and sound.