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Joined: Nov 1999
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Hi everyone,<p>
They always say it is the darkest before the dawn. I really hope that is true because it is very dark right now.<p>Tony has been drinking while taking his prozac. This I knew but I found out Christmas eve that he has also been smoking pot. He says that is the only drug but I am sure there have been more than just the pot. <p>I am not sure where to start. Mom flew in December 23. Tony was trying to find another friend of his who was living here a place to stay. This friend has a police record for theft. He and the friend did not come home till 3:00 am. Tony was stopped by the police and they took his car registration and from speaking to the police he was not suppose to drive without the registration. I did not find this out till December 26.<p>Chirstmas eve Tony finally got rid of Nacho; the friend who was living here after I was able to get rid of the first group of friends. Though Tony is the person who wanted to get rid of Nacho and activly tried to find him a place to stay he was so angry and nasty to me. Blaming me for the entire thing. <p>Chirstmas went OK. Not great. Tony played his games and wrote emails to his little OW. The OW even had the nerve to call here all the time. Tony says they are just friends. But I have seen it a million times. What do I have stupid across my forhead? I do not think so. <p>December 26 Tony was beyond out of control. We broke up that day but he never would leave. We actually broke up over his little affair with Nikki and hanging out with this group of friends. Mom had a really long talk with Tony. Mom thought she was calming him down but she just made it worse. I know Mom tried to help. <p>I then went with Tony to get his car fixed. There we talked and decided to break up becuase he would never give up the friends and I could not live with this in my life. He promised that he was not doing anything with Nikki and he did not have a hotmail account. He lied on both occations. <p>The day just got worse. Tony was so angry. He ended up breaking one of the windows. I called his mother to have them come get him because I just could not handle this. I asked Marie not to have Tony here at the house. She disreded my request and had him come. Tony's brother came with his girlfriend. Peter's girlfriend Nikki's father is a state troop for Mass not New Hampshire. Peter's girlfriend threatened to have me arrested barged into the house and was yelling and screaming at me. I asked her to leave my property and she refused. <p>Tony broke away from his dad and came into the house. Screamed I am going to get you B*^%# and came towards me and my Mom. He kicked my Mom a few times. <p>At this point I called the police. He was arrested for simple assault, crimanal misdameaner and resisting arrest. Tony's mother Marie was so nasty to me. She accused me of breaking all his property and stealing. She is going to sue me. They sue for everything. I just wanted them to come without Tony so we could make arrangements to move all of his stuff out of the house and this. <p>I know have all his property except his clothing and toiletries. I packed that up before they got here. The police order says that is all he can remove from the house. I do not care to have any of his property but now not sure how to get it moved out. It will take all day with a group of movers. He really has a lot of stuff. <p>Plus Tony has already broken the DVP and emailed me a couple of times. Not sure if I even want to report it to get him arrested again. I just want to be left alone right now. But then the other side of me misses him so much. I miss the good Tony but that person has not been around for such a long time.

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{{{{{{Paha}}}}}}}}
Tony's family sure shows how Tony turned out the way he did. You did the right thing by calling the police when Tony assaulted your mother. You'd be doing the right thing again by reporting the violation of the dvp (that must be a restraining order?). Read through some of the great comments I received in my feeling strong feeling shaky thread. You are not responsible for Tony's behavior! His "stuff" is the least of your worries. You have the option of leaving his family out of it. Tony has the option of being responsible for his "stuff." He also has the option of taking proper care of himself and treating you right. Sounds like you had that at one time. I know it's hard to stop wishing for the things you want but don't have. Oh Paha, there's so many bad things happening. Pardon me for being blunt, but I don't think Tony's absence is one of those bad things. It's not YOUR problem if he gets arrested again for violating the dvp. It's Tony's problem. If you want to be left alone, how does allowing a dvp violation go unchecked contribute to that wish? <p>Paha, I too am battling with "being the hardnose." I caved after 10 days of H sleeping in his car and a cold front blew in during Christmas. I let him come home for Christmas. It's not MY problem that he was sleeping in his car, but I still worried about him and felt bad for him. His return was supposed to be for a few days, and now it's almost a week. I'm in the same old place. Choosing between "keeping the peace" with silence, or confronting him with my continued wish for separation. He has housing lined up, but it hinges on current occupants leaving, which could be today or a week or a month. Who knows? <p>You deserve better treatment Paha. You can't seem to get it from Tony. So where does that leave Paha? Paha has choices too.

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OH Sweet Paha,<p>I was just about to sign off when I saw this!! I can't stay on long and I feel terrible that I can't write a big long response -- but KNOW THIS -- I am PRAYING very, VERY hard for Tony, but MOSTLY FOR YOU!!<p>LH is right -- choices -- you have choices now, dearheart. <p>I am so very sorry for this horrible turn... and pray that it is darkest before the dawn. You need peace, my dear woman....<p>Love you,
Sheryl<p>PS - I'll be back tonight to check on you, but I'll be thinking of you all day. (((((Paha)))))

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My Dear Paha,
Read LH's advice again. She is right on. Tony being gone is not a problem, it is a time for you to make choices.
This is a good thing Paha. Look at it as a blessing!
I am so sorry that your mom was physically attacked in this mess.
More later....I have to run out.
Love cl

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Thinking of you. Be strong.

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Hi Everyone,<p>Even though I have never seen any of you...I do love your presence in my life. You all give me such strength.<p>LH --- how are you doing? I pray for you all the time.<p>Sheryl --- thank you so much for your prayers. How are you holding up. I pray that you and your H can find work very soon.<p>CL -- How are you. I never see much of you anymore on the boards. Are you feeling better and stronger?<p>Sing --- thank you so much for the prayer. How are you holding up? How about your children?<p>Well Tony called yesturday. He still wants to be in my life. I wanted to talk about how we could remove his property. He has a lot of fish here and some of them are very expensive. If they die I will be sued for the price of them. Plus the tanks take a great deal of work and money to upkeep. A cost I do not wish to incure. <p>Tomorrow I am calling the Domestic violence prosecutor and informing them that Tony broke the order. I did not know the judge for the criminal case also ordered Tony not to come within 100 yard of me and the house nor contact me till today. I knew the DVP was not inforcable till they servied him. Tony is in Maine with his dad so I knew the order could not be served since his address currently is in Greenfield. I was told that he could not be in full violation till he was served. That is the reason why I did not call the police. But now I know he broke the other order so I will see what happens. <p>Tony wants to still be friends and come visit. I do not think I could deal with that. I just need to be left alone. I can not handle his crazyness and lies anymore. Since December 27 I have been sleeping. My body is so worn out. In two weeks I am getting my T3, and T4 blood work done. None of the doctors are sure what is going on. I am suppose to have hypo Thyroid but then I have night sweats and heat attacks like hyper Thyroid. Might be my hormone level is all off too from all this stress. <p>Mom was watching this facinating report on PBS about how stress affects the hormone levels that then affect the body's health. <p>My plan in case any of you were worried that I was going to take Tony back is: I am going to get a roommate. I really hate living alone. It is going to have to be someone who does not smoke, is quite and loves cats. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] I have to find a lawyer to help with this entire Tony mess. The neighbors are very helpful. Mr. Dupont said he would put bolts on the door in the basement. I have to change the locks and get the windows fixed. Mr. Dupont even told me where to go to get the window fixed. He is such a good guy to me. Do not worry he is the same age as my Grandfather and has the nicest wife. <p>I still want to be nice through this breakup. I never wanted it to get like this. I am getting ready for the cort case in Jan 23, 2002 for the continuation of the DVP (Domestic Violance Protective Order). Plus I am trying like madd to find a new job. Still the market is not that great. But I will make it. Just a deep gorge right now.

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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>LH --- how are you doing? I pray for you all the time.<hr></blockquote><p>It must be working. You gotta check out my tire story in my strong/shaky thread. I could've been in a world of hurt, but I'm safe and sound. H came back home to get out of the cold after sleeping in his car for 10 days. He's on best behavior, and I'm being patient, hoping his housing comes available TOMORROW. <p>Paha, I can already see a more optimistic outlook in your post. Sheryl gave me such wonderful support on my most recent thread. Everything she said to me can help you too. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Well Tony called yesturday. He still wants to be in my life. I wanted to talk about how we could remove his property. He has a lot of fish here and some of them are very expensive. If they die I will be sued for the price of them. Plus the tanks take a great deal of work and money to upkeep. A cost I do not wish to incur. <hr></blockquote><p>Well of course he wants you in his life! You take care of him! Who wouldn't want that? If you made a list of benefits and a list of consequences of your relationship with him, which list would be longer? And how many of the benefits have happened lately? My counselor had me do that a long time ago. I knew things were imbalanced, but it was very eye opening. As for his fish and his property, that'll be tricky with the restraining order. And again, it's HIS stuff and his problem. Hey, how about selling his fish to the pet store, rent a storage unit with the money, and recruit some help to get Tony's stuff outta your house. It would be effort above and beyond the call, but you don't want him, his friends or his family coming around. Plus, you'd have the benefit of his continued absence. Believe me, Paha, you are going to ENJOY his absence! I can see it happening already.

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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Pahakissa1:

Sheryl --- thank you so much for your prayers. How are you holding up. I pray that you and your H can find work very soon.<hr></blockquote>
<p>Oh, we're doing kinda/sorta okay. I'm not a weepy mess anymore (thank you Zoloft) but it's been a tough holiday season over here -- however, not as tough as you -- not that it's a contest. Sheesh!!<p>Immigration still at standstill (due only to lack of money to file at this point), and my H is busy putting resumes out there and going to interviews. There's one that seems promising and is a GOOD job, so we're praying, hoping... and waiting.<p>Thanks for thinking of us in the midst of your pain.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Well Tony called yesturday. He still wants to be in my life.<p>Tony wants to still be friends and come visit.<p>I still want to be nice through this breakup. I never wanted it to get like this. <p> <hr></blockquote><p>I don't know if this will help you, but I want to tell you about my ex, who I talked to tonight, who said AGAIN how we made a mistake divorcing. Always, I feel for him because you can't turn off caring after years, but bottom line is that it isn't HEALTHY to continue this course of conversation. Yes, I'm married, which makes it doubley worse, but even if I weren't, it ISN'T HEALTHY because he HURT ME ALL THE TIME. I admit, not a overtly as Tony hurts you, but ya know, Tony can be pretty covert at times too, and he also plays on your emotions and manipulates your caring nature. David does the same with me. My therapist says I have to remember how pathetic he is, and to picture him holding a big ol' violin every time I talk to him -- and he's playing the "Woe is me" song... SO IS TONY! Same thing!! The difference is that I have children with David, and MUST keep some type of relationship to co-parent. I understand that you want to remain friendly, but it simply may not be in your best interest (emotionally) to do so.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Mom was watching this facinating report on PBS about how stress affects the hormone levels that then affect the body's health. <hr></blockquote><p>BOY!! I know this is true. My poor body has been through the ringer, and I have been in and out of the hospital and taken more meds over the last three years than combined throughout my entire life!! <p>I have this book called, "Your Body Believes Every Word You Say"... I BELIEVE IT. You MUST be careful... Body, Mind and Spirit are CONNECTED and when you're inundated (sp?) with stress, all three are affected. Please, please think on these things and be VERY careful with your PRECIOUS heart and soul.<p>Love to you,
Sheryl

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HI Paha,
you are doing just great. Keep up the good work.
Does it really matter that Tony wants to be friends? And would a friend treat you as Tony has? NO to both!!!
Step back and take are of yourself.
Stress can cause your thyroid to be very laebile. You may need to change the time of day when you take your meds. Try the afternoon instead of early morning.
(((((hugs))))) cl

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Hi Everyone, <p>
LH --- I am so glad you are feeling better. I did read that your H is living with you again. I pray that this is very short in deed. <p>Thank you so much for the advice. I will try my best to follow it.<p>Sheryl --- I am still praying. Maybe God is teaching a lesson of in his time. Not sure. When ever I get impatient that is what I try and focus on. <p>I am so sorry that you have not been feeling well. I know what a toll it does take. It seems the past two years I have been nothing but really sick. Try and take care of yourself. I will pray for your health as well.<p>CL --- I will try your advice. I usually take them at night but I will try and take them earlier in the day. <p>CL How are you doing?<p>
OK I have been doing a lot of thinking. I am not even going to be Tony's friend. I just have no desire to be around him anymore. I was taking out the trash Friday morning and was thinking I have no need for him at all. <p>If he comes and visits. It might start off once a month but then after a few months it would be as if he was living here again. I never want that again. I know feel like I have a future again so I have no desire to be sucked into the past. <p>I met a guy at work. NO he is married. I think I want to become friends with him and his wife. They sound really nice and do a lot of interesting things. It would be nice to get out into society again. That and I want to fix a lot of stuff around the house the way I like it. That is my plan for the year. Oh and to get a good paying job again plus not to date at all. Not that is going to be a challenge. No man is betting down my door.


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