I'm writing this seeking someone to help me try to understand why it happened. Because of my wifes career I have to keep this completely anonymous (US Air Force). This is real long, but because of military issues I have'nt been able to tell anyone about it, so I'm also venting a little here.<BR>We have been married for eight wonderful years (at least that's what I thought), and because of what she does she has to take a lot of trips. Usually these trips only last two weeks at the most, which is okay because she always calls and we talk for hours. Last Oct.(1999) she had to go on a longer trip to a location that I am not at liberty to say. She left in the middle of the month and did not return until the beginning of Dec... She called me right when she got there just like she always does when she goes.<BR>Then she called again in a few days. Then she called once the next week. I then didn't hear from her for about two weeks. Naturally i started to wonder if she was okay. She finally called, I was SO worried about her. I told her that I was glad that she called and asked her if she was okay. She said she was fine and that everything there was going okay, but her tone of voice was different. I then tried talking like usual, asking about her days... She has always told me that when she calls she wants me to tell her about my days and what I do while she's gone, (talk about my job, how I spend my time at home etc...) But she did'nt want to hear about it. She was very short and snappy and would change the subject everytime I started talking. I have to admit that since she started flying missions that I've alwalys had a concern in the back of my mind about the possibility of the unthinkable happening. We all know what most military guys look like (muscular and in good shape) and I have always known that's what she likes, after all that's what she married. I had mentioned my fears to her years ago, and she has always told me that not only WOULD she not do it, but that she COULD not do it(moraly)! Getting back to the story... She called the next week and once again her tone of voice was different, and she was real snappy about everything I had to say. So I asked her jokingly about whether or not she was with anyone else. She got REAL deffensive, told me that her time was up(she got 15 min. morale calls every couple of days), said i love you and I miss you then goodbye...It had only been about ten minutes though. She called again a few days later, and apologized for getting off the phone so quick and told me it was because she was so tired(14 hour time difference). I told her that I understood etc... But once again her tone of voice and behavior was the same. So I asked her straight-out, are you being faithful. She said yes and reiterated her would not could not she has always told me. I told her that I was sorry for asking and that I believed her and trusted her. And up until this trip I have always trusted her. She promised me that she would call again in a few days, we said our goodbyes and hung up. A couple of weeks passed and I had not heard from her. And of course i was going out of my mind waiting and wondering. She called about four days before thanksgiving, once again her tone of voice etc.. But I did not question her this time. She said she would call on thanksgiving(this was the first time in seven years that we had been apart on any holliday). The day after thanksgiving she called, and once again same behavior...We talked a little while and I told her that tomorrow (27th) was exactly one month til our eight year anniversery, she said she knew and she could not wait, that it was going to be so nice. She then told me that she would be home in three days, you cannot even begin to understand how relieved and happy I was! On the 28th one of her supervisors called me and asked me if I was okay and if I needed anything(should have been a clue). Are you kidding?? I was great!! My wife who I had missed so much was going to be home in another day. Then he told me that she wouldn't be home for another week, that her flight plan had been delayed. Okay, no big deal. That kind of thing happens... BUT, she hadn't called to tell me that. She called on the 29th and told me that they had engine problems and would not be home until 4 Dec. i understood and thought oh well, I can wait... The 4th came and she called to say she was home and for me to come pick her up at the base. Usually when she gets back we spend some time talking with the other pilots about the trip before we head home. Not this time. It was quick lets get the gear bags and suitcases and go! Thought that after 45 days she just wanted to be together(you know what I mean :-)) and she did right after we got home. I thought everything was obviously okay and normal. Although when we were "together" that afternoon, she didn't really get into it as much as she usually does but I attributed that to a 21 hour flight. For the next three days she was real cranky with me. And not really that interested if you know what I mean. The fourth day that she had been back was my birthday, and unfortunatly that had been forgotten by her. So that evening I took our Rottweiler for a walk so that I could cool off, there was no way that I was going to remind her what day it was since everything i said to her since she had been home pissed her off. On our walk that evening I ran into a friend of ours that lived down the street he was out walking his dog so the two of us started walking and talking. He asked me how I was doing and if everything was okay. So I asked him why everyone kept asking me if I was okay. Thats when he made the comment, " I know it's got to be tough". BINGO!!!!! He saw the "deer in the headlights" look on my face and said "you don't know do you?" He told me that he didn't feel right telling me... but my convincing size of 200 lbs of muscle and my dogs size of 200lbs of muscle and teeth and certain key words of causing great bodily harm to him made him talk. he told me that on 27 Nov. she had been caught by military police and arrested for adultry, that's why there was a flight plan delay. I once again had to "convince" him to give me a name, which he did. Conversation was over i was going home to talk to my wife. I walked in the door told her we needed to talk and asked her who "name goes here" is. She told me he was a friend of hers. I asked what happened in her tent with him, she told me that they were sitting on the couch talking. Then the lies started. I asked a lot of questions never raising my voice, trying to with hold what i felt inside. After a about ten minutes of her telling me that they were friends who were caught talking to each other i stopped her and told her that I knew what happened. And to tell me the truth. so she did, which isn't what I realy wanted to hear. I felt so much rage and betrayal and pain. But I remained calm, cool, and collected about everything. I took it like an adult, which was a lot different than I thought i would. I laid it on the line for her and asked her if she wanted our marriage, and if it was worth trying to work things out (god knows I wasn't ready to give up what we had). She said she made a mistake and has regretted it ever since, and didn't want to lose me. Over the last two months now she has still lied to me about some little things about him, she had one of his dog tags, and a letter that he wrote to her after they got back to the states. But she did finally told me about them and gave them to me. I asked her what she wanted to do with them, she told me that she wanted to throw away the letter and give the tag back to him(the real kicker is that he's from her squadron). Of course I told her i didn't want her to see him, and especially didn't want her to approach him to give him back the tag. (I still don't understand why she took the tag from him in the first place) And besides she had been given an order after the arrest that they are not allowed to have contact with each other.(in the military adultry is a felony) She made me feel a lot better when she told me that she would take the letter and the dog tag to her supervisor and have him give back the tag.(which she did) Which was a really good idea because it was used as evidence against him when they got court martialled. Needless to say what she did really messed up her career as well as her relationship. She has lately been completely honest with me about almost everything. She has told me every last detail about the night that it happened. And although she has been telling me EVERYTHING it has started to hurt more and more. Because as it turns out, she is the one that started it that night, she led him into the tent, and eventually into the bedroom. She also has told me that she stopped the sex after about two minutes because once they started she started feeling guilt and that she thought she was a slut for what she was doing and when they they got caught they were just laying in the bed together. That has made me feel a lot better about everything, but what i don't understand and she can't explain is why she didn't stop it before they moved to the bedroom.<BR>So if any one can help me to understand why that is, I would greatly appreciate it. She also has not been able to explain why she even did it in the first place. But up until that night nothing had happened between, them except on thanksgiving she said that he tried to kiss her and she pushed him away because it was wrong.<BR>HELP!!<BR>jwarn@earthlink.net<BR><p>[This message has been edited by JW (edited January 31, 2000).]

JW,<P>I am just responding here to move this back to the top. I responded to you on the other forum. I know there are many here who can help you.<P>JL

JW,<BR>We can try to help you understand but first you need to do a whole lot of work, mainly reading. Our friend Jim will be by shortly with his official "welcome" which will explain everything alot more completely than what I'm able to do.<P>This is probably going to be the toughest thing you'll ever have to do in your life but it can also be the most rewarding also. Right now you are probably sick, confused, angry, hurt, disillusioned, and I could go on and on,,,,,,,we all know these feelings far too well. But there is hope. Hope to recover your marriage and those ol' in love feelings with your wife. <P>You'll find many, many very helpful people here,,all going through what you are (many military!!) or have "been there" and survived. Post often with all your questions and confusion. Even if you don't always get alot of responses,,post again,,we all get busy with everyday life and can't always be here. <P>But your first assignment is to read. Read everything on this site. Read all the suggested books from cover to cover. Not only will you get many ideas and suggestions for rebuilding but you'll acquire some understand of what happened and how to prevent it from happening again. Also, reading the books and posting here validate these feelings you are having, make you know you're not alone and you are not going nuts. <P>JW, it's a long, hard ride ahead. We refer to it as a roller coaster ride because of all the ups and downs. And you will go through them. But just stick with us,,post and apply what you can. Hang in there,,it's a H*** of a ride but you can do this!!!!

{{{{{{{{{{<B>JW</B>}}}}}}}}}}<P>Welcome <B>JW</B>...<P>I did read your post... and I feel so bad for you...<BR>...<B>you are not alone my friend!</B><P>I understand the why's are important to you...<BR>...you have a right to feel anyway you like...<BR>...when you can, catch your breath... and read on...<P>I have a post of general welcome post I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a short time ago the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR>Staying in the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum will give you the most responses! <P>At some point in time... you might check out...<A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com/forumlinks4.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness is a Gift You Give Yourself</A>...<P>When it's time for action... DO... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... For the most part... you sound like you've been doing it already.<P>Read and post...<P>Just a suggestion... make the posts a little shorter... and break up your thoguhts in to smaller paragraphs...<BR>You'll get many more repsonses that way.<P>Prayers... <P>Jim